"And I can't say I'm a perfect ten
But I am the girl I've always been.”
....

A full year. We had such good times. I really wanted it to last forever but unfortunately life had other plans.
I thought we'd be together senior year but Kyle woke me up one morning in the middle of June to tell me that his family was moving to Canada.

“So you're leaving?” I ask, dumfounded.

“Star, I promise I wanted to stay. I even begged my parents to let me live alone here. I could do it but they didn't agree. If I stay back they'll just disown me. I have no choice.”

My heart had already begun to ache and my stomach to churn from the moment he began talking.

“We can still make it work…” I say as my voice cracks.

“No,” he answers with a tired sigh. “I really want to keep being with you but I don't think we can do long distance. It never works out well. I'm sorry…” his own voice cracks and I hear him choke back a sob.

“Are you sure?” I’m crying for real now. “It could definitely work–”

“No, Star. Please…stop. Don't make this harder for me. For both of us. Please…I don't think it can work. And we're moving next week.”

I try to stop crying for a while but I can't and he just waits in silence for me. Finally, my crying is reduced to small sobs and he speaks.

“I love you, Star. I think it's best if we stop talking. I know it'll be hard for both of us. I'm…sorry.”

“Okay,” I say as audibly as I possibly can because I can barely talk now. The twisting pain in my gut is getting worse and I'm just there…helpless.

“Alright. Goodbye Star.” His voice sounds strained, like he's holding himself back from crying.

“I love you too, Kyle,” I say before hanging up and when I do I lay down on my bed and curl up into the fetal position. The way I did the first time Kyle broke my heart. I stay there, sobbing for a long time. I don't call anyone. I don't think I really need anyone right now. There's a pounding in my head and I'm feeling disoriented for a while. The pain in my heart is intense. I can almost not breathe.

God, can I survive this?

***

I spend the rest of the summer focusing on music. It really helped me take my mind of things. Emily and Sam figured out eventually and they tried their best to make me feel better. I appreciated it and they kinda did make me feel better. Still…I was in a daze most of the time. It was like I was either focused on the song I was writing or the instrument I was playing or I was just lost…far away.

I didn't think I could survive, live normally again after Kyle left but I tried. I tried my best.

A few weeks before the new school year began, my best friends, my aunt and my uncle talked me into looking to get signed into a record deal. It was something I never considered before. But now…I actually realised that I wanted it. Music was my life and if I was going to be serious about it, it was better that I started now.

The thought of being a singer sounded crazy but it also felt right so I agreed to do it. But not at the moment. I was going to work on my music skills for some time first.

I wake up one Saturday morning by seven to a call from Emily.

“What the fuck is it Emily? It's literally 7–”

“Omg Star I saw this really cute guy!’

“Ughh,” I cry with an eyeroll. “Are you serious Emily? When aren't you seeing cute guys? Please if there's nothing serious that you–”

“He's at our school Star!”

I sigh. There's no stopping her now. I guess I just have to listen.

“I think he's going to be in our grade!”

“How do you know that?”

“Well I went back to school yesterday to collect something from a teacher, not important, and on my way I saw him in the principals office. I overhead their discussion, I know eavesdropping is wrong but whatever and I heard them talking about how he's in the 12th grade. He came to our school because of some sports stuff I didn't really care about but Star!!!”

I drag the phone out of my ear and wait for her to stop screaming my name.

“He's so cute and I'm definitely going to get him. He has to be mine!”

I shake my head with a chuckle. Emily has always been boy crazy. It's actually concerning.

“Wow, you've really moved on from Sam, haven't you?” I joke.

“Oh come on Star, you know one way or another we were still going to break up. And besides I'm tired of him.”

“Wow…ouch Sam.”

She only laughs. “Anyway, speaking of Sam, we decided to meet at the park this evening. You coming?”

“Of course…like I have anything to do today.”

“Alright, see you at twelve, love ya!”

“Love you too Emils and good luck with that guy,” I say with a chuckle.

“Thanks, and omg Star, his hair! And those eyes–”

I hang up with a sigh. I can only handle so much crazy boy obsession.

After I get showered and put on black shorts, a white t-shirt and a black sweater vest, weave my hair into twin french braids and put on a few rings, I grab my phone and my headphones and walk out.

We agreed to meet at the park but for some reason I decided to stop at a café to grab coffee for three of us. I hate coffee but Sam and Emily love it. I guess I just want to try it out again today.

I really want to have a great senior year. And there's this hole of course, that I'll like to fill up because now I don't remember how it felt those days I was happy with Kyle. I'm still healing from the whole thing. I want to be okay and I want to be true to myself. Kyle once sang in a song he wrote about me, “you wanna know why I want her near?/she always tries to keep her conscience clear.”

I asked him how he knew that. He said you can always see when someone tries to be honest and be their authentic self. And that was one thing that made me a Star.

♬♬♬
Girl I've always been - Olivia Rodrigo

+_+_+
For those of y'all expecting a happy ending where they get married and have kids with five cats and three dogs and live happily ever after...I'm sorry. Those endings make me sick ☺️

This ending was needed for the sequel that's coming soon!!! It's called his conscience and I'm so excited for it!!

~Ash.