“Each time I step outside, it's social suicide.”
....

I'm an extremely judgmental person. It's no secret. Everyone has their opinions and there are things that I can understand but there are things that I really can't.

I shake my head slowly with pursed lips as I walk through the halls of Madison high. It's been a long time since I've been in a learning environment with people my age and there was just something…irritating about it.

I couldn't explain it. I believed being around people your age when you're ten or when you're like thirty would be so much better, normal even. There was just something about adolescents that annoyed me for some reason.

Maybe it was how shameless most of them were, trying to get validation from people. How they force themselves into people's lives, how they just need to be among because of some reason I would never understand. They'll dress in a certain way or speak in a certain way or like and dislike certain things just because they think they have to. Some of those people are truly like that but I don't believe most of them are truly that way.

We all really need to learn to be ourselves. Try out scary things that take us out of our comfort zones, yeah, but we should learn to truly be ourselves. Even if you get that thing, that popularity that satisfies your ego, in the end it'll backfire because you'll always be in constant fear of showing people who you really are. And maybe you'll never be able to freely be yourself even when you're out of that situation.

I mean…maybe I was just created with less hormones than the average adolescent so maybe I don't really understand and I'm just saying shit. I do say shit all the time. But at least…I'm being myself, so it's fine.

I see Emily and Sam emerge from a corner and my eyes light up.

We haven't spoken since the whole drama with my song book and my feelings. I don't know if they're mad at me or if they're even going to talk to me anymore. I guess I'm going to find out.

They lock eyes with me and before I open my mouth to call them Sam is already yelling my name from the middle of the crowd.

“Star!”

I weave through the multitude of students and try not to choke from the mixture of sweat and dense perfumes.

I finally emerge at the other side and meet Sam and Emily waiting for me at her locker.

“Hey,” I say as I readjust my backpack on my back.

“How was your first day?” Emily chirps, her glossy pink lips stretching in a smile.

“It was okay,” I reply with a shrug. “It's exactly how I expected it to be. Annoying students and teachers, lockers with ugly colours, popular kids, nerds, et cetera."

Sam chuckles and shakes his head as he leans on another locker. “You're not wrong.”

“So…guys, about yesterday,” I begin carefully, looking down at my multi coloured Air Jordans. “I'm sorry for my outburst I was–”

“Hey it's okay. We weren't…being fair,” Emily says as she closes her locker door. “It's you, it's happening inside of you, not us, so we can't say if it's true or not. We just want to help you. That's all.”

I nod, a smile pulling at my lips. “Thanks.”

“So, star are you ready to join an extra curricular?” Sam asks, his eyes lighting up.

I look around at the mostly empty hallway.

“Everyone is either in their clubs, on their way home or auditioning to join an extra curricular. I'm supposed to be in sports but this week is for auditions and Emily still doesn't know what to join yet for some reason.”

“There is no club meant for me here!” she cries indignantly.

“I don't think there's a modelling or fashion design club in any normal highschool babe.”

“Well, then what do you want me to join, drama club?”

“It's fine, you don't have to join any of them. Come on, let's take Star to the music club,” he says, grabbing her hand and gesturing for me to follow them.

“Oooh, music club! I forgot about that. Why didn't you guys tell me sooner?” I squeal as I tag along behind them.

“Doesn’t matter now. Come on, auditions have probably started and there's not many spots left!”

We sprint for some seconds until we stop at a door labelled music room.

Sam pushes it open and we walk in. I can't contain my excitement. My face hurts from smiling. My eyes move immediately to the stage where someone is playing a guitar while singing. The audience isn't that much. We walk over to the rows of chairs and take our seats.

I notice there's a door at the end of the room labelled instruments. I hold myself from running towards the door and focus my attention on the stage.

But as my eyes move in that direction I notice a familiar face. There's a table beside the stage that I'm sure is for the judges and the heads of the club and to my surprise, I see Kyle sitting amongst them, his arms folded on the table and his eyes focused on the stage.

My heart freezes in my chest for a split second as he turns his head slowly as if feeling my hard gaze and his eyes lock with mine.

His eyes light up immediately and a smirk materializes on his lips. A second later his eyes return to the stage. I take silent deep breaths.

The guy I thought I'd evaded goes to my school…but I already knew that and now he's in the music club, and even worse, is part of the heads?

I'm lost in my thoughts until I realise someone is shaking me.

“Star, no one else is coming up. You should go,” Sam whispers to me as he looks up at the stage.

“Yeah, Star, go on up.”

“Wait,” I say, running my hands through my hair. “There’s a lot of people watching. I'm not good with crowds.”

“Oh come on Star, there's barely anyone here. Go on, before they end the auditions!” Sam urges me.

“Um…” I'm stalling. I can't sing in front of a crowd. I only sing and play instruments alone or with a singing coach.

“Ooh is Star anxious?” Emily asks with an annoying smile. I shoot her a glare.

“Okay, too soon. Star come on go on up! Time's running out.”

“Anyone else for the auditions?” A man says with a microphone.

“Okay, I'll uh…go up with you!” Emily says and drags me with her to the stage before I can protest.

I'm a bit dizzy as I stand on the stage and look at the crowd.
They aren't really much. They're about fifty people at most but still. I don't think I can do this.

After we introduce ourselves, we’re asked what we're doing and Emily says we're singing. A few seconds later I'm looking down at the microphone in my hand.

“I love you, I'm sorry, Gracie,” she whispers to me and I nod. “I take the first verse.”

She starts and the room goes quiet immediately.
“Two Augusts ago…”

I shut my eyes and try to pretend like no one but us in the room. We usually scream this song together in my room. I can just imagine it's only the both of us here and we're there. So I do. And I'm in the zone just right before the second verse begins.

“...I love you, I'm sorry.”

“Two summers from now…”

My eyes are shut at first as I imagine we're in my room but then I get the hang of it and open my eyes. I don't mind the crowd anymore. I'm too absorbed in the beautiful song I'm singing. I used to forget that whenever I'm singing, I'm transported into a new world. Sometimes it's like I'm in the song or the person who wrote the song…sometimes I'm just floating in some space.

When I open my eyes, I'm right at the bridge. Perfect timing. And as I sing, there's so much emotion in my voice like I'm the one who wrote the song. But I'm not feeling those things. I'm only good at it.

“...send someone to kill me, I love you, I'm sorry. You were the best but you were worst/as sick as it's sounds I loved you first…”

A round of applause reminds me that the song is over and I'm blinking back into reality. I see Sam's smiling face from the crowd as he claps. The applause isn't much but it makes me feel like I didn't mess up at least.

We hurry down the stage and meet Sam at our seats.

“You guys were great!” he tells us and I beam at him. “And I guess Emily found a club she wants to get into.”

“Not really. I did it for Star,” she says with a shrug.

“Thanks, it was weird though,” I admit. “I had to take my mind to someplace different.”

“It happens to all of us,” Emily assures me, squeezing my hand. I smile at her.

“So what're we waiting for?”

“They're gonna announce the name of the people that got in.”

I nod and take out my phone as I wait. I won't mind if I didn't get into the club but it would be awesome if I did. Still, there was the matter with Mr Curly and Cute being in the same club. If I got in, would I spend most of the time trying to avoid him? It would just ruin my experience in the club.

I look up from my phone suddenly as I feel eyes on me. And sure enough it was the same guy I was thinking about. I still don't believe the theory that says if you're thinking about someone then they're thinking about you too. But still this felt weird.

He flashes me a smile and waves at me from the table. The people sitting around him are in a discussion, probably deliberating on the lucky people who would get in.

I stare at him with an unblinking stare for a few seconds before he gets uncomfortable and focuses on the discussion. I chuckle to myself.

***

“I kinda saw it coming,” Peter says as we walk out of the music room.

“Star is definitely a better singer than I am."

“Oh come on,” I say with a chuckle. “I’m flattered but you're a great singer Emils. Fuck the stupid club.”

“Thanks, but it's not stupid if you're in,” she says and I smile with a shrug. “Besides, I didn't want to get in. I just really wanted you to get in. I mean…you deserve it, music girl.”

Sam chuckles. “I like that name. So classic. Music girl.”

“Oh fuck no, that sounds so corny!” I say and they laugh.

“Guys, I'll meet you outside. I have to grab some things from my locker.”

When they leave I rush to my locker and begin to take out some text books I'll need for my homework. Being homeschooled for more than a decade, I've gotten so used to completing my homework and everything orderly and on time that it's now drilled into my head. It made me sort of like a perfect student.

As I shut the locker and am about to head outside to my waiting friends, someone materialises in front of me and I stumble backwards.

“Hey,” Kyle says casually.

“What is it?” I ask. I'm not even trying to act cold or intimidating. I'm just tired and want to go home.

“Jesus, I just want to talk to you.” He ruffles his curls and sighs.

I wonder why he doesn't want to just give up. He can clearly get the message. I'm not a subtle person.

“Okay, fine I'm here. Talk.”

“Thank you,” he says, a smile appearing on his face. “I wanted to tell you that you sounded great there.”

“Um…thanks. My best friend Emily helped me. Without her I wouldn't have even gone up.”

“Oh wow, she's a good friend. You're lucky.” Then the smile on his face shifts into that smirk I hate so much.
“You'll be luckier now that you get to spend almost every day after school in the same room with me.”

I roll my eyes at him and scoff.
“Keep telling yourself that.”

I push past him and head for the door. Emily and Sam are probably wondering why I'm taking so long.

“Sure, feisty. But know what else I'll keep telling myself? That I'm the reason you got into the music club.”

♬♬♬
Ballad of a homeschooled girl - Olivia Rodrigo