"All or nothing
Let's just trust the night,
All or nothing
You're my ride or die."
....

Growing up, I used to think I know so much about life. I really don't know much about it. But I do know a lot. The ultimate goal in life should be to be happy. That's what everyone wants for themselves. Who doesn't?
We all want to be happy. We want to have everything we want. We want to be positive all the time. We want everything to go perfectly. But that's the problem. Imperfection is a major part of the world. The world was made to be beautiful but definitely not perfect. There are ways things work but it wouldn't always work perfectly.

Things would always change. The world today isn't how it was a year ago. Living and non living things have changed and will keep changing. Change. It's such a major part of life too. Deep down everyone wants life to be perfect. Everyone wants to be perfect, in their own way. What we don't realise is that life was designed to be imperfect so we can actually…live.

Because, of course, if things were perfect there wouldn't actually be a point of life. What are we working towards then?

And change, it's so hard to accept it. It just comes, no matter how small, and shakes our world. And we're expected to adapt or we don't survive. And we do try. We try our best. It won't stop being that way. Things would keep changing. The world will keep changing, we would keep changing.

We think we know ourselves. We do. But only temporarily. We would lose people, but we will meet people. We'll love things, then hate them, then love things again. We'd discover things about ourselves and those things would change and we'd discover something new again…and it would keep going like that. It's kinda scary to think about. The girl I know today won’t be the same girl a year from now, she might not be with the same people, she might not be doing the same things she's doing now. It's a part of life. Well…at least there's one part of life I can be sure won't ever change. That's the fact that things would keep changing. It's ironic. Change is constant.

I never asked my parents why they gave me the middle name Star. My first name is Ashley. I like the name, it's really cool but for some reason I preferred Star. It was way cooler obviously but I don't know exactly why I really liked it so much. I'm not crazy about stars. I barely know anything about them. I do love them though. They're beautiful.

“Why Star?” Kyle asks me one evening in the park. We're alone and we're lying on the grass, our heads against a tree looking up at the bare sky. It's been weeks since we've been together-for the second time- and it's been an amazing time with him since. We were currently on Christmas break and we decided to spend a day together just getting to know each other better.

“I don't know,” I say with a laugh. “But I love the name though. It's super cool.”

“Well…I want to give you a reason.”

I look over at him with a raised brow.

“You are…not always seen around everywhere. You’re not always the centre of attention yet you're strong, you're inspiring, you are one of the most unique people I've ever met. You always want to prove a point with your dressing, your words, your actions. Whenever I see you Star…I don't see just the basic glamourous girl like I see in most girls. When I look at you…I see something so special…I just can't put my finger on it. And it makes you so…intriguing. Ever since the day at the fro yo shop. There has always been something. Something so…different that I wanted to know all about.”

There's a long silence when he's done. I don't know if it's comfortable or not. But it's long. We don't move or make a sound.

“I love you,” I say, surprising myself. Once again, my mouth speaks before my brain can think of what it's about to say. But it's true. Whether I thought about I enough or not. It's true. I do love him. I've never loved a guy before. In that way. It feels so different, so new, so great. So warm and cosy.

He's definitely stunned by my words too because he doesn't say anything as well for a while.

“I love you too,” he finally says. I smile as a warm feeling courses through my body. It's kinda funny because weeks ago, if you told me that Kyle would tell a girl that he loved her, I would've laughed at you. But now as he says it…I believe him. And it makes me so happy.

“I know this sounds cliché but I'm lucky you're my first, Kyle.”

“That's such a sweet thing to say.”

“It’s true. You know it just makes it better that I saw you as the original cocky, irritating guy at first.” He chuckles. “Because now that I know what's underneath, now that I can see the amazing person that was hidden beneath all that…I feel more lucky. I don't know if that makes sense.”

“It does–”

“I am not boosting your already oversized ego by the way,” I start and he bursts out into laughter. “I'm just saying that I'm glad I found this side of you.”

“Too late.”

I laugh and turn over to punch him chest but he rolls away. I don't even have the energy to go after him and he notices that because he comes right back. We stare at the dark, starless sky. A small breeze blows and rustles the leaves above us.

“You're a star, you know that right?” he asks as he turns to face me.

I turn to face him and I smile.

Figuring out my feelings, living a big part of my life without really understanding my feelings or knowing what to do with them… it has been such an interesting time. For the longest time I really didn't believe I could feel. I also felt like it was a good thing because when I was much younger feeling was like a bad thing. But now…I realise that feelings are a good thing. They're beautiful.

It's important to find people that make you feel like have these feelings are okay. People that make you feel like it's worth it to feel. And I hope everyone finds their people. Or at least person.

♬♬♬
Overdrive - Conan Gray