"Pull the trigger on the gun I gave you when we met
I wanna be close to you
Break my heart and start a fire, you got me overnight.”
....

“Are you sure?”

He nods excitedly. “I already asked the principal if we could do it and she said yes.”

“You already asked?!”

“Yeah,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “But we don't have to if you don't want to.”

“No no it's fine…I want to. I'd love to.”

He grins at me gratefully. “I think this is going to be even more special than the competition would've been.”

“Yeah…I take it as many things,” I agree.

“What do you mean?” he asks as he fiddles with the strings of his guitar.

“I take it as…something special between us, as a way of showing what we have…mostly as a sign of forgiveness. Yeah…mostly that.”

He nods slowly. “That's true. By the way, we ain't gonna talk about you ditching me to perform on your own?”

“Hey you know that I had every right to do that.”

“You didn't even want to,” he says with a smile. “You just wanted to get back at me.”

“Well,” I start, glancing to the side. “Whatever. Are we doing this thing or not?!”

He laughs at my not-so-subtle attempt to change the subject but he goes along with it.

“Right after the principal is done with her speech, we're up.”

I nod and run my fingers over my trousers.
Kyle suggested we perform our song in front of the school and I believed it was a great idea. Although, he told me after he made an arrangement with the principal. I didn't even have at least an hour to prepare myself. He's lucky I like him.

He'll be playing the piano while I take the verses but we’ll both sing the chorus. I think it'll be beautiful.

***

Did you know?
I hate that you're here now
Hate that you don't know how
You can just bring me down

Feeling cold
Is something that I'm so used to
It's something that I'll always choose
Over guessing if I'll win or lose

But then I felt the heat today
And it burns when I touch the flame
But I don't want to pull away
Cause the warmth is worth the pain

Chorus
And I told myself, that I wouldn't get carried away
That I wouldn't get burned in the flame
And I often have something to say
But now I can't even say your name

As we sing, I think of all the things that have changed in the past few weeks. All the feelings I've experienced, all the drama, all the moments. Most of it because of the boy singing by my side.

Loving someone isn't so bad, I'm now realising. I used to think it was scary and you were just going to get yourself hurt…which is definitely a possibility. Love is scary and you could very possibly get yourself hurt but I think it's worth the risk. It's great to have someone. It great to know someone cares.

Sometimes I think of how happy I am that Kyle cares about me and then I try to imagine if he doesn't and it's so difficult. Of course a few months ago, if you told me no one would really care about me like that I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't even care. But now that I know how nice it feels, it scares the shit out of me if I think of losing that feeling. Because it feels nice.

Got so scared
That I questioned my whole life
All the choices, all my thoughts
When I lay awake at night

Yet desire
Was so strong it numbed the fear
Made me realise that I want you near
More than anything so please don't leave me my dear

Bridge

Oh I know that I sound crazy
But have you felt the heat inside me?
Have you felt this fire burning
After years of being cold and hazy?

Once we're done, the audience gives us a huge round of applause. I smile at the crowd. This moment feels nice. It feels right. I was meant to do this with Kyle.

Before we leave, the principal commends us and talks about how talented we both are, especially as a pair. We get another round of applause before she says something that causes me to look over at Kyle with an expression he definitely understands.

She says that it's very likely we'd do great things in the future if we pursued music. She can just see it in us. The passion. The love for it. Kyle smiles back at me and rolls his eyes as a way of saying yeah yeah I get it.

I really hope he does.

As for me, I know I haven't done this much. I've done it all my life, of course. But I've never really done it much with the thought of showing the public my talent. But now after this performance, after what the principal said…I think I'm going to.

I mean…what the fuck was I going to do instead? Dance? Yeah…I'm just realising it now. Music is my life. Music has been with me throughout. I'll always be grateful for it. It's beautiful, it's diverse, it helps so much. It's one of the most amazing things ever created. And I'm glad it's a part of me. It's definitely going to be part of me forever.

Now I'm just letting go of everything that has ever happened to me. All the things that people have done that I see as unfair. I don't care anymore. All the bad things that have happened to me, the mistakes I've made, the ones people have made that affected me. All of them…I'm letting go of it. I don't care anymore. I don't need anyone to do anything for me anymore.

I forgive myself for all the things I've done. All the stupid choices, all my thoughts, for thinking I'm not worth love. For thinking I can't be apart of something. I want to start over.

I forgive my parents. For making feel like I wasn't worth anything. Like I was something irrelevant and supposed to be at the side for the part of my life where I was just starting to grow. They probably had their shit to figure out and even though that's not an excuse, I forgive them. I hope they're happy now.

I forgive others. For things they've done to me, deliberately or not. They're all still humans anyway. And no matter how old they are…they still have emotions and they can still do stupid things. But it's fine.

Everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't be myself if things happened differently. But as for now…I'm happy with the way things turned out. I'm grateful that I have my best friends. They're the most important people in the world to me and I hope we never grow apart. I'm grateful for Kyle and although in the beginning things were rocky, I'm glad in the end things worked out and I discovered the sweet, charming person that was under the original cocky, irritating guy I knew at first. I still don't know him that well but I hope we get to stay this way.

I wonder what the future holds for me. I don't want to spoil it for myself but for now, I'm happy. I forgive everyone. I forgive the world. I forgive myself.

♬♬♬
Close to you - Gracie Abrams