"'Cause now there's no one
Who ever has done better
At makin' me feel worse
Now you really are the winner."
....

I feel the chilly fall breeze brush my face as I walk through the city park alone. I wrap my hand around my jacket, not really because I'm cold but because I just feel like shutting myself off from everyone. And also maybe…because I'm sad.

It's weighing me down and I can barely keep myself upright. My heart just feels sore and I feel so empty. Emily said that a stroll through the park would make me feel better. So far, it's not really working. All it does it to make me feel like burning down all the trees around me and…any other living thing around.

But I guess this is better than sitting at home, sulking on my bed. I wanted to write a song about all this but still I can't. I don't know why. I decide not to think about it but I still can't shake this feeling that I may have lost my interest in songwriting. And if that's the case…

All the anger I have for him comes back in full force and the twist in my gut whenever I think of him gets stronger. He's just sitting casually on the bench I saw him on him the last time I was here. His back faces me but I can recognise him and his stupid curls anytime, anywhere.

I want to ignore him and just go on my way. I don't need to see his face right now. I don't think that would be good for me. Staying away from him would make things easier, Emily told me. I just have to walk way and don't turn back. Just keep walking, if possible away from the park. I mustn’t be in the park. I need to leave.

I forget that that's Emily who's speaking so reasonably. That's not Star. I know very well what Star would say. I know what Star would do. She won't be able to take it anymore and she'll march right down there to him and give him a piece of her mind. She'll want to know why the fuck he treated her like that, why he'd just do that and not bother to talk to her again. She'll want him to feel bad.

So since Emily doesn't control Star and Star controls Star, Star marches down to the stupid curly haired boy with a lot of things she has to say running through her mind.

There's a lot of things she wants to say and do to this boy but she has to focus on verbal confrontation first because she doesn't want to go to jail.

I shake my head, feeling slightly crazy for talking about my self in third person and speed walk towards him. My stomach churns as I near him but I can't back down now. I know Emily said that staying away from him was best but I think I really need to get some things off my chest.

Once I get to him I stand directly in front of him with my arms folded across my chest. He looks up at me, startled. It doesn't take long for me to see the streaks of tears on his face and once I take them in, I feel a rush of sympathy.

Why is he crying?

I know I hate him a lot now but that doesn't mean I don't care about him anymore, as much as I don't want to. I'll always have a soft spot for him, unfortunately and the sight of tears streaming from his eyes–somthing I didn't know was possible– causes my heart to squeeze.

But then the images of him and May on the couch in those photos come flooding back into my head and all the sympathy I have for him drains away. I remember the times when he acted like he cared about me, all the stupid words he ever said to me, telling me he liked me, even having the guts to kiss me, saying he couldn't help it.

All the anger comes back again and I feel my blood boiling, literally. And I stomach hurts from all the churning and twisting in there. I blink back the tears that are threatening to spill as I stare at him. I don't care if he's dying right now, he did something wrong and I'm going to let him know.

“What the fuck was that?!” I blurt out before I can even think about what I want to say. I guess even my mouth is fed up with everything. “Am I really that useless? Was I really just one of those girls you just spot and play for fun? You tell me how much you like me one day, you kiss me the other and then ask me to be your girlfriend the next. And then literally not even up to twenty four hours later, you're all cosy with your ex–”

“Star, lemme explain,” he says in a pained voice that my heart breaks a little more but I stand my ground. “Please…”

“What the fuck do you want to explain? What the fuck is there to explain?”

“Can you please just let me explain?” he begs, his saddened eyes piercing into mine.

I'm just so utterly confused with why he's crying. Isn't he supposed to be smiling at me or something and gloating about how easy it was to get me? What the fuck does he want to explain now?

“Fine, what the fuck do you want to say?”

He flinches at my words but I stand there looking at him, waiting.

“I was threatened,” he begins in his shaky voice.

My face scrunches up in confusion.
“Threatened by who? And for what?”

“May,” he says and drops his hand into his head. “My ex-girlfriend. She knows about the music competition.”

“Yeah…?’”

“She said she was going to sabotage our performance, so we'd mess up.” My eyes widen. “I know May. I know she could do it and I didn't want her to do it. I didn't want to ruin the thing we worked for all this while.”

I huff in disbelief.

“So she said that the only way she won't do anything about the competition is if I took those pictures with her and posted it so everyone would see. So you would see. She figured everyone in school would talk about it so one way or another, you'd find out...”

I let my folded arms fall to my side.
“And you didn't tell me. You just agreed to do it immediately and you did even tell me after. What did you expect me to think?”

“I didn't know how to tell you Star,” he said as fresh tears spilled down his face. I couldn’t look at him. “I just felt so embarrassed about the whole thing. I'm sorry…I didn't mean to make you feel this way. I promise I do like you. I still do. May and I were over a while ago. Please, tell me you believe me?”

“I don't know what to believe anymore Kyle. I believed you when you said you liked me and then I saw all that. I don't know what to believe again!” My eyes are still trained on the grass at my feet. “And even if you're telling the truth, that is the most stupid excuse I've ever heard. The music competition?! The fucking music competition?!  Do you think the music competition is more important than me? Than my feelings? You think you can just do that and tell me and then I'll understand. And in the end you'll have both?” I scoff. “That's even if you're not lying to me.”

“Star, I promise I'm not lying to you please,” he pleads, getting up suddenly. I take a step back and hurt flashes across his face. I won't lie, my heart twists at the sight of him like that. A part of me really wants it to be that he's telling the truth so I can run over to him and fall into his arms but the other part of me, the one taken over by anger, the one that likes to deal with things using logic and not emotions, that part wants to tell Kyle to fuck off and to storm home.

The latter wins and I shake my head at Kyle. I hope he can see the disappointment in my eyes, feel the hurt and anger and embarrassment he has caused me.

Without a word I turn around and run home, my legs pumping fatser and faster. The tears that have been threatening to spill all this while finally runs down my face, spreading across my cheeks as the wind blows furiously.

♬♬♬
Winner - Conan Gray