"This could be a disaster, there's so many factors
Like, what if you freak out and then we're losin' it all
At the critical chapter where I say, "I love you"
And you don't say it after".
....

I've seen Kyle actually nervous. I've seen him playing an instrument, singing, laughing, cocky, charming. But I've never seen him like this ever.

I know I don't know him that well but still I believe that at least a week after you've known someone, someone who's that confident about himself, you should have at least seen most of them. Not much should surprise you.

“Alright, you guys can take a short break and we'll be back here to go through it again. And concentrate guys. One mistake from one person could ruin every other person's effort. You don't want to be that person.”

The members of the music club murmur both excitedly and tiredly before they disperse for the short break.

I already know I'm heading straight to the instruments room so I get up from behind the piano I'm playing and go on my way. I feel a bit stressed as I saunter to the door.

“I don't know, Miles, I'm fucking sca–”

Kyle pauses once he sees me and his friend Miles, the guy I overheard talking about me with the other two girls, turns around to look at me.

I raise a hand and wave awkwardly, tiredly.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” he says carefully. “You must be Star.”

I nod slowly. “I must. And you are…Miles?”

“Yeah, I'm Kyle's best friend. Nice to finally meet you.”

I raise a brow at him. “Nice to meet you too.”

Awkward pause. Miles looks back and forth between us and then he leaves, shooting Kyle a look that I don't understand before he shuts the door behind him.

“What was that about?” I ask once we're alone.

Kyle doesn't meet my eyes. He's picking at his trousers nonchalantly. I mean, if I didn't know it was a thing he does when nervous I'd say it was nonchalant from how chill he looked doing it.

“Miles is just an idiot.”

“You're best friends with an idiot,” I comment and he chuckles.

I walk over to him, taking off my backpack as I do and he still doesn't look up at me. What the hell is up with him?

“Um, hey. So I had some ideas for the song.”

That gets him to look up. Still, he only gives me eye contact for about two seconds before his eyes drop to the book in my hands.

The way he looks at the book intently makes me suddenly realise. The competition.

Oh, so that's why he's acting so strange.

“Hey…I know that this thing is really important to you. But it'll be fine. You're great at music and even if you don't win it doesn't change that.”
I don't do this peptalk thing very often but I really don't like seeing him like this. It’s making me really uncomfortable.

He smiles and finally looks up at me. His gentle stare warms my heart.
“I didn't know you could be this nice.”

I swat him on the arm indignantly. He laughs and takes the open book from my hand.

“I look in the mirror…hoping to see my face…searching my thoughts…trying to find my fate,” he reads, his forehead creasing as he does. I'm a bit scared he won't like it cause I really do. “Thinking of giving it away…don't trust my own heart…locked with the chains..waiting to play my own part.”

A grin spreads out on his face and he nods. My heart races in hope.

“Wow…it's…”

I nod for him to go on even though he's still not looking at me.
“It's what?”

He looks up at me, finally. Why are his eyes piercing into my soul?

“It's brilliant,” he says and then looks away. I'm getting frustrated. And worried.

I take the book back from him and suddenly blurt, “are you sure?”

I mean, his reaction seemed genuine. But now his weirdness is making me so confused. If he wants to rewrite it or use something completely different that's fine by me at this point. Anything to make him stop this.

He looks startled a bit. “Uh yeah, of course!”

“So…?”

“So what?”

I run my hands through my hair and sigh.
“So…what's next? Don't you want me to sing so you'll get the melody? Do you have anything you had in mind for it? I mean…you're the one who wanted to join the competition in the first place. Why–”

“I'm sorry. I know. It's just…” he takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair. “I'm not in the right headspace.”

“Why? What's wrong?”

So I guess it's not the song then.

“It's…complicated,” is all he says. Right. I barely know him. I'm not qualified to know about his life problems.

He's just not alright, I tell myself, just like everyone else. We all have bad days. Still, it doesn't change the fact that it's still strange. The Kyle sitting in front of me and the Kyle of a few days ago is definitely not the same person. Not just because of the different moods. Something has definitely changed.

“Alright,” I say finally after a long silence. “I hope whatever you're going through, it'll be fine in the end. But…Mr Simon is going to be calling us back out there soon and I don't think we'd have time once practice is over so…maybe we should do something about the song?”

He's getting even more tense by the second and I'll be lying if I didn't say I'm scared at the way he’s looking at me. In his eyes, I see a lot of emotions that I can't place swirling in there.

“Kyle what is it?!” I cry, my heart pounding in my chest.

He wrings his hands together, runs the both of them through his already messed up hair and places then on his thighs.

“Star…”

The tone that he uses to say my name make my stomach twist.

“Yeah?”

“There's…something that–I’ve–I–” he takes a deep breath and I watch, holding my own breath. “There's something I've always wanted to tell you.”

“Yeah? About?” I ask, stepping an inch closer.

He looking down at his jeans now. “I–uh…” He's picking at a thread at the edge. Yeah, I get it Kyle, you're nervous. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

“I think I like you.”

I'm stunned. Even more stunned than when I was told I'd stop homeschooling after a whole decade. Even more stunned than when I heard my parents were getting a divorce when I was a kid. Well…I guess I hadn't had much to be really stunned about but still.

I don't know what to do or say with this information, honestly. All I know is that my heart is beating so hard in my chest and there's this feeling in my stomach that is so overwhelming yet pleasant. He likes me back.

“I know you don't like me back.” I'm taken out of my trance. “But I…can't deny that I do like you. A lot. And I've…” his face scrunches up in confusion. “I've never liked someone like that before so this is scary.”

I don't still say anything. Honestly I wish I would but I couldn't even if I tried.

“I just wanted you to know.” He looks at me and the sadness in his eyes makes my heart twist.

I really want to tell him I like him back but I know I shouldn't. But he looks so sad, so vulnerable. Why would he just say that? I have to think about all this. He might really just be trying to deceive me. I mean, how else do they get you to go out with them? They have to make you believe they like you.

And what about the girl I saw him flirting with the other day? They seemed cosy. They were definitely more than friends.

I didn't want to fall into a trap. I knew I liked him. The guy I like, Kyle of all people, likes me back. Yet I couldn't. I had to think.

As if on cue, Mr Simon's voice booms from the music room, calling us all back together for the final practice of the day before we go home.

I grab my backpack and my song book and give one last glance at Kyle, who's looking so devastated that it makes tears well up in my eyes but I blink them away.

He follows behind me anyway. I sit behind the piano and try to clear my head of everything that just happened in the last few minutes. It's not easy at all but I try.

“Ready?” Mr Simon calls. “And…go!”

We all start to play. For the beginning I'm doing fine. The music distracts me and I'm getting into it. Then I make the mistake of looking up at Kyle who's standing casually in the corner watching us as we play.

My hand slips on the keys and the piano makes an odd sound. My eyes widen. The entire group stops and stares at me, annoyed.

“Sorry,” I mumble.

“Concentrate Star,” Mr Simon tells me and I nod before we begin again.

I look up again, although it's a stupid idea, and I see Kyle staring at me. Before, I'd expect him to smirk knowingly at me but this time he just smiles sadly and mouths, “focus.”

I look back down at the piano. I usually would be able to play without looking at the keys once I've learnt a song but I know this time I have to concentrate.

The sound of the door opening makes me look up again and I see him leave the room. I look back down at the piano. I hear the door shut quietly.

We're done and we finish the song successfully without errors. Mr Simon commends us and reminds us to practice whenever we can before we leave.

I stall for a few minutes in the hallway at my locker before I go home because I don't want to meet Kyle on my way home.

♬♬♬
Disaster - Conan Gray