Mistake

Falling in love with you
was the biggest mistake
I had ever committed.
And I don't want to commit again.

♠♠♠

Chapter Thirty-seven

I decided to ease myself off from all the conflict for a day and just focus myself at the event taking place at the Ursula Mansion. It was also a day for my daughter, aside from I would be seeing again relatives that I hadn't seen in ages.

Hindi ako malapit sa mga Ursulas at walang pagkakaiba sa mga Montecarlos. It was fine for me if they continued making me feel isolated, it wasn't their fault anyway, I had always been so aloof but I wanted them to acknowledge my daughter. I wanted them to make her feel belonged to the family and that she was every bit of their blood.

I didn't mind that I never felt their presence while growing up, they also didn't need to be present while Eve was growing up. I just wanted them to give my daughter the love she deserved.

Habang abala ang lahat sa living room, both Montecarlos and Tito Brian's family were having fun, mayroon ding mga tao sa pool area dahil binuksan ni Kuya ang parteng iyon ng mansiyon para sa mga bata, nasa kusina naman ako. I knew very well how useless I was when it came to a lot of things, to the kitchen most importantly but it was the only place I knew I would feel comfortable at with a lot of people present now.

Hindi ito ang unang pagkakataong nagkita-kita ang mga Ursula at Montecarlos kaya natural na nagkakasundo na agad ang dalawang pamilya. Bukod sa hindi naman parehong mahirap pakisamahan ang dalawang pamilya ay negosyo ang isa sa talaga namang palaging laman ng usapan nila, it was their common point of interest. Just like how Tito Brian had immediately dragged Papang with the other male Montecarlos spouses to talk about business.

Kung hindi lang abala si Kuya sa mismong event since siya ang pinaka-host ngayon ay baka nakisali na rin siya roon. He had been talking with people in his phone, it wasn't business because Chelsea had been scolding him not to get so deeply into the event. Bago dumating ang araw na ito ay ayos na lahat kaya wala nang dapat problemahin. My brother was losing his cool and calm demeanor just to make this day more than perfect.

It should be, three precious little angles were added up to the family.

Bumuntong-hininga ako habang pinagmamasdan ang mga abalang kasambahay sa kabuuan ng kusina. All of them had their own tasks while I just stood in front of the counter, being useless as ever and watching them all do something useful. Si Eve ay kasama si Bien at hindi ko pa sila pareho nakikita simula nang magising ako.

I woke up earlier with a lot of people already littered all around the Ursula Mansion. Wala na sa tabi ko si Eve at Bien kaya naisip kong baka bumaba na sila at nakisalo na sa mga bisita. I just quickly fixed myself and then went downstairs only to realize how awkward it would be to see Bien after what happened last night, I wasn't also very sure about getting along with our relatives.

Kusina talaga ang pinaka-unang lugar na naisip kong puntahan dahil abala din naman si Chelsea sa pag-e-entertain ng mga bisita niya at ng pamilya niya. Lotivios were also outside, probably getting along with the other two families, they were nice people so it wouldn't be hard for them.

Si Evah ay hindi na naman umuwi kagabi kaya wala rin akong kasama, though nakatanggap ako ng message mula sa kaniya na parating na sila rito. Same as Aly na galing pa sa Manila.

"Could you please hand me something to do? Like puwede bang ako na lang ang maghugas ng mga... mga pinggan." Humina ang boses ko nang madako ang mga mata ko sa sink at makita kong malinis iyon. From the corners of my eyes, I saw how the maids stopped on their tracks and threw me weird looks.

Wala ni-isa sa kanila ang nagtangkang sumagot sa akin, sa halip sa sabay-sabay silang yumuko at parang walang nangyaring bumalik sa mga trabaho nila. The young maid near the sink who was wiping on every clean plate to put on a tray instantly avoided my gaze when our eyes met.

Fine, I was sorry for making their lives even harder but it was harder for me to go outside and face those people! And Bien!

"Mommyyy!"

Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang pumuno sa buong kusina ang matinis na boses ni Eve. Mabilis kong nilingon ang doorway para lang makitang buhat siya ni Bien habang papasok sila ng kusina.

The little girl was already smiling but when she saw me, her lips just pulled up even higher, reaching the ends of her eyes and missing them. Bringing my eyes to look at the man who held her, my heart fluttered when I saw him lovingly smiling at my daughter.

Nang lumingon siya sa akin at magtama ang mga mata namin ay tipid siyang ngumiti saka mas lumapit pa. He only stopped in front of me, as if giving my daughter the chance to see me nearer, both of their mixed scent soothing my nose. Naputol lang ang pakikipagtitigan ko sa kaniya nang maramdaman ko ang pares ng maliliit at malalambot na mga palad na sumalo sa mukha ko.

Letting Eve softly pull my face, I willingly puckered my lips to meet her small and loving ones. May tunog ang halik niyang iyon na nagpangiti sa akin.

"Mommy, Tito Bien and I have been playing outside! There are so many people, Mommy!" masayang pagku-kuwento ni Eve na paulit-ulit kong tinatanguan. She wasn't very exposed to a lot of people, so I understood if she was feeling so hyped up now.

I also wanted her to get along with the other kids present at the event today.

"They're Mommy's families, mahal ko. You'll get to know them later and I want you to play with the other kids, hm? They're also your family," malambing kong sagot sa kaniya saka banayad na hinaplos ang mukha niya. Once again raising a stare at Bien, it was hard not to smile back when his small pleasing smile felt so welcoming.

Sa inaakto niya, parang wala kaming mabigat na pinag-usapan nito lang mga nakaraang araw. Nakakatakot siya sa totoo lang...

"They love me then?" Eve curiously asked, her small beautiful eyes blinking cutely.

Sabay kaming tumango ni Bien sa kaniya pero ako ang nagsalita para sumagot. "Of course, mahal ko. They do..."

Giggling cutely, unable to hide her happiness and being shy, she instantly wrapped her small arms around Bien's neck and quickly dipped her face down. Mahigpit siyang niyakap ni Bien habang natatawa dahil sa inasal ng bata samantalang hindi ko na napigilang ngumiti ng malapad habang pinapanood sila.

I would seriously be delighted to have Bien as my daughter's father for real but just like he said, he couldn't because there was someone who most likely to own that position. Gustuhin ko mang si Bien na lang ang gawing Daddy ni Bien, hindi puwede dahil hindi ko naman kontrolado iyon. Lalo na at willing si Jimin na punan na iyong mga pagkukulang niya noon kay Eve.

Sa inyo ni Eve, Hanselle.

Hindi ko pinansin ang maliit na bahaging iyon ng utak ko.

"You should go out and start entertaining your families, Seol," mahinang sabi ni Bien kaya muli akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya. "Also, Jimin and his friends arrived already, you should keep them a company just so they won't feel out of place."

Nakaka-inis dahil masyado siyang mabait. Bakit ganoon siya?

Alam ko namang kahit na ano pang tago ko rito ay darating at darating pa rin iyong pinaka-iniiwasang kong mangyari at kailangan kong harapin iyon. Kung puwede nga lang na lagpasan ko na lang iyong point na iyon at matapos na lang ang araw na ito ay hiniling ko na.

Nodding softly at him, I failed to restrict a deep sigh from escaping my throat. Just when I thought I was alone facing this part of the day, just when I thought there wasn't an escape from it anymore, I suddenly felt his hand gently hold mine, squeezing softly as he intertwined our fingers.

"I'll go with you. We'll both tell Eve. I'm still holding your hands so you're still mine."

He made me feel not alone.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya nang bahagya niya akong hinila at idikit sa katawan niya. Niyakap niya ako sa gilid niya gamit ang isang kamay niya saka ko naramdamang hinalikan niya ang tuktok ng ulo ko. We were both caught up and trapped in our own created trance that we didn't really mind that we were at the kitchen and there were maids watching us.

Basta ang alam ko, kailangan ng puso ko iyong comfort na palagi niyang ibinibigay, kahit ngayon lang... kahit ngayon na lang.

Evah might be right, that it was so selfish of me to keep Bien when I knew all along that we would be hurt in the end, it was unfair of me to keep holding onto him just because I was afraid to have my heart broken again but what could I do?

I was afraid.

Magkahawak-kamay kaming lumabas ng kusina, buhat pa rin niya si Eve sa kabilang braso niya. It was fine if we were once again surrounded by silence, his presence was more than enough for me. Familiar faces instantly met us when we appeared from the long hallway to the living room. We first stopped by to greet those people.

Naroon ang ilang mga matatandang Montecarlos at ang pamilya ni Tito Brian kasama si Papang. For sure, Mamang was out there with the Lotivios.

"Hanselle? You've changed a lot! Sigurado ka bang Mommy ka na?" Si Tita Florence ang unang tumayo para lapitan kami. She instantly spread her arms wide open for a hug but when her eyes went down to how I was tightly holding Bien's hand, she stopped and awkwardly smiled, stepping back a little.

I didn't mean to offend her but being comfortable with them wasn't a thing for me. Kaya kong magbigay ng mga tipid na ngiti pero hindi ang umaktong tila close na close kami kasi iyong totoo, hindi naman. I could only count within the fingers of my right hand how many times we saw each other.

Tita Florence and Mamang were second-degree cousins, just like most of the Montecarlos here now.

Only child at only grandchild si Mamang kaya wala siyang first-degree cousins, these Montecarlos were my mother's relatives from my great grandfather's first-degree cousins. So technically, malayong kamag-anak na namin sila. My grandparents from my mother side weren't here because they were out of the country too, but they also promised to stop by.

Matapos kasi nilang ibigay kay Mamang ang Montecarlos noon ay ginugol na nila pareho iyong panahon nila sa pag-ta-travel.

"You're still v-very aloof though," Tita Florence embarrassingly said, finally going back to her seat but she still managed to give me a small smile that I willingly answered back with just as much.

They were all staring up at us and it was making me feel uncomfortable. Hindi ko rin nagugustuhan ang paraan nila ng pagtitig kay Bien na buhat si Eve at tila walang kaalam-alam sa mga nangyayari.

"Noriel, kinasal na ba siya? Hindi yata kami na-imbitahan?" Sumunod ang malalim na boses ni Tito Brian na takang nakatitig kay Bien. The former idol was too busy child-talking with Eve so he didn't know how the people in front of us had been throwing him confused and curious looks.

I was about to answer and enlighten them about that part of my life when Papang instantly turned to me, my mouth left hanging open as I watched him throw a soft smile my way. Itinikom ko ang bibig ko saka mas lumapit pa kay Bien.

"Hanselle, anak, I heard you still have other visitors who just came. Why don't you go and entertain them first? And let Eve play with the other kids..." Papang softly told me but I quickly understood what he wanted to tell me. He wanted me to just give this to him and let him handle those people.

I knew how people nowadays easily judged someone just because of being pregnant out of wedlock. Para sa kanila, hindi iyon maganda at hindi iyon tama. I agreed once, when I was still young and a lot more immature, I had agreed that being pregnant out of marriage was a wrong thing but when Eve came, I realized that it wasn't... it was amazing, it was very right and that people could judge and I wouldn't care because they didn't matter.

My parents followed good conduct and right etiquette but I was sure, they wouldn't also tolerate judging when it came to me and Eve.

"It didn't go well?" Bien confusedly asked when we were already walking towards the direction of the pool area. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ang mga sinasabi nilang bisita namin ni Eve pero dahil sa direksiyon ng pool patungo si Bien, naisip kong nandoon malamang sila.

Nagkita na malamang sina Bien at ang mga bisitang iyon.

"I don't know..." mahina kong sagot saka bumuntong-hininga. "You know this is the very first time they'll be meeting Eve. I'm not sure if it'll turn out well."

"Hey, it will, okay? We both know how irresistible this baby is." Nilingon niya si Eve na inosenteng nakatitig lang sa amin pareho. Nang magkatinginan sila ay pareho silang malapad na ngumiti na tila may pagkaka-intidihan talaga sa pagitan nila.

Mayroon naman talaga. Madalas nga akong ma-out of place sa kanilang dalawa e.

Nang sabay nila akong nilingon ay napangiti na rin ako. Right, magugustuhan nila si Eve, at kung hindi man, it would be their loss. Tulad nga ng sabi ko, my daughter wasn't born just to please them, she didn't need approval from those people, though it would be very sad.

The walk towards the pool area seemed so quick just because I wasn't very situated about the fact that Jimin might be there, that I would be seeing him again after all that had happened. I was still very guilty that I had selfishly deprived him of talking with Eve, I was still stuck in that one night I had stupidly dared to give myself to him again and I was still not up for this because I didn't want Bien and Jimin to meet.

The inevitability of everything was frustrating. I hated how I didn't have a control over what would happen anymore when it involved my life. I hated how I couldn't do anything but to just go with the flow and let everything go as I didn't favor.

Nakakapagod nang palagi na lang akong nawawalan ng choice sa huli, palagi na lang na kailangan kong harapin ang mga pangyayaring hindi ko gusto dahil wala akong choice.

"Don't you dare go away from my side, Bien. I'm telling you. I'll be fair to Jimin just like what y'all have been telling me, but I want you to stay with me all throughout. Promise me." Bago pa man kami tuluyang makalabas sa pool area ay huminto ako at hinarap siya. Sinalubong ko ang mga mata niya at hindi ko hinayaang mag-iwas na naman siya ng tingin tulad ng parati niyang ginagawa nitong nakaraang araw.

I wanted his spoken assurance now. I wanted him to make me feel once again that I wasn't alone through all this, that he had my back and that I could get through.

Blinking softly yet sadly at me, he slowly nodded his head as he tightly gripped on my hand that he was holding. "I promise..."

Pakiramdam ko, tuluyan nang nalaglag ang puso ko sa sikmura ko na siya na ngayong pinagpipiyestahan ng mga insekto sa loob nang makalabas kami sa pool area at kusang mahanap ng mga mata ko ang kinaroroonan ng mga taong ayaw ko sanang makita.

Gripping tightly on Bien's hand, my feet almost halted, wanting to just step back and run back towards the living room. Hindi ko ginawa iyon kahit na iyon lang ang pinaka-logical na kayang i-adopt ng isipan ko dahil sa mahigpit ding paghawak ni Bien sa kamay ko. It felt so painful and so devastating continuously walking towards that one table where my fate lay flat for me to step on when the man whose fate was on mine was here beside me.

Ni hindi ko na napagtuunan ng pansin ang ibang mga taong nakakalat sa kabuuan ng pool area dahil ang mga mata ko ay naka-focus lang sa mesang iyon.

"Bien..." I uttered almost in tears in a soft and shaking voice.

"Ssh, it's just Jimin, Seol," he softly answered, squeezing my hand even tighter.

There were lots of people in their table, some of them were my third-degree cousins. Naroon din si Evah siyempre at masyadong tutok kay Namjoon kaya hindi niya pa kami napapansin. Parang ayaw ko na ring lumapit lalo na't kasama nila ang ibang kamag-anak ko. Kung paanong naroon sila sa table nila Evah, hindi ko alam.

"Mommy! It's Jimin oppa! There's Tito Joon and Tito Taetae too!"

Quickly stepping back to hide half of my form behind Bien when their heads instantly turned to us, my eyes instantly met that one particular pair of small eyes that I planned to avoid. Mabilis akong yumuko hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming makarating sa mismong harap nila.

Ang mga pinsan kong nasa table nila ay agad na nanlaki ang mga mata nang makilala ako bago mas nanlalaki pa ang mga mata nang mapadpad naman ang tingin nila sa lalaking kasama ko. All of them were girls and were of my age. I knew them by faces but not by names to be honest. Napapalibutan nila ang bawat miyembro ng BTS maliban kay Namjoon na katabi ni Evah.

Jimin had two of my girl cousins by his sides, same as Taehyung. May ilan ding mga nakatayo dahil wala nang mauupuan sa pabilog na mesa. Foods were also placed on the table, some were finger-foods and juices.

"Tito! Tito Bien, I want to go to Jimin oppa!" The kid excitedly said as she started squirming in Bien's arms. My heart once again fell when he just chuckled and gently put the little girl down to let her go to Jimin.

Hindi ko siya nakikitaan ng bitterness, para bang okay lang sa kaniyang masaya si Eve sa Daddy nito. I wasn't saying that he shouldn't be happy about Eve and Jimin but I just couldn't see from him the natural reaction I was expecting. Siya ang kasama namin ni Eve habang lumalaki ang bata, kahit papaano naman ay mayroon siyang karapatan. Pero wala... he was just too kind for his sake.

Agad na tumakbo si Eve patungo kay Jimin na malapad nang nakangiti at nakabuka na ang mga braso para sa bata. When her small body bumped to him, he took it as a chance to lift his daughter to his lap and shower her kisses all around her face. The kid giggled happily, muttering coherently how she missed him.

I hardly bit my lower lip when I caught sight of how his eyes glistened with unshed tears so I quickly turned around, sparing my guilt because it was tiring. Alam ko namang wala na akong ginawang tama simula noong bumalik siya sa buhay namin ni Eve pero kasi iyon lang iyon paraan ko para iwasang muling mahulog sa kaniya.

Iniwasan ko naman e, pinilit ko, pero kasi iyong puso ko... hindi ko ito naging pag-aari kailanman. Noon pa lang naman, siya na ang sinusunod nito.

"Seol, I'm h-here..." Mas nabasag lang ang puso ko nang marinig ko ang basag na boses ni Bien kasabay nang unti-unting pagluwag ng hawak niya sa kamay ko pero hindi ko hinayaang pakawalan niya ito.

I was surely hurting him, but it would hurt him more to see me hurting so I again composed myself, I tried so hard not to let my emotions overwhelm me as I continuously nodded at him, re-assuring him that I was fine, that I would be fine.

Bien was too mature to handle things. Alam niyang si Jimin ang Daddy ni Eve, kaya kahit na siya ang tumayong Daddy kay Eve ever since, kaya niyang maging fair at ibigay kay Jimin iyong pagkakataong makasama si Eve.

Nanatili kaming nakatayo lang ni Bien sa harap nila dahil alam niyang hindi ko gugustuhing maupo at magtagal kasama si Jimin sa iisang mesa. He also started talking formally with them, having comfortable conversation with the BTS and praises from my cousins.

Kilala sila ng mga pinsan kong nandito ngayon. They couldn't even believe that they would have the special privilege to see K-Pop idols when they had tried going to concerts before just to personally see these people.

"Noon iyon pero nakakagulat pa rin talaga!" One of them said while looking amusedly at me.

"Paano mo naman sila nakilala?" And one had the guts to ask me in a mocking tone. Wala naman akong pinapansin at sinasagot sa kanila kaya nanatili na lang akong tahimik habang paminsan-minsang sinusulyapan sina Jimin at Eve.

They were both talking something only they knew. Madalas nilang gawin iyan, parang ang lalim-lalim at seryoso palagi ng pinag-uusapan nila tapos sabay silang hahagikhik. That was something Jimin and Bien had in common, they both knew their way to Eve. Si Bien kasi nakasanayan niya, sa kaniya lumaki si Eve, pero kay Jimin, masasabi kong fatherly instinct, it was natural because he was the father.

Both Evah and Namjoon were too engulfed with their own world and that left Taehyung forcefully entertaining my cousins while eating the foods on the table. Somehow, I found him as an escape. I could save him from my cousins and he would be my escape from being in this instance.

"Taehyung, you'd like to go with us inside?" I softly asked the obviously bothered idol, refusing to spare my cousins a glance though I could already feel them throwing me glares.

They should actually be thankful enough that they had given the privilege of seeing the BTS and one member of LUX, I wouldn't mention how they were all acting so comfortable when clearly, the idols weren't looking comfortable.

Napansin kong lumiwanag ang mukha ni Taehyung bago siya malapad na ngumiti sa akin pero agad din naman iyong nabura at napalitan ng simangot nang mapatitig siya sa mesa. Sa harap niya ay naroon ang isang bowl ng nachos at isang baso ng juice. Napangiti ako dahil sa ginawa niya. It was maybe the reason why he was keeping up with the unwanted presence beside him. May pagkain kasi sa mesa. From the corners of my eyes, I saw Jimin raise a gaze at me as he shortly stopped playing with the kid on his lap.

"There's a lot of foods inside. You can eat with Bien at the dining table while I check on Aly." Nilingon ko saglit si Bien na nakangiting nakatitig sa akin kaya napanguso ako. Nang muli kong nilingon ang mesa ay mabilis pa sa kidlat na tumayo si Taehyung habang tumatango-tango. Hindi ko napigilan ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko nang tumayo rin si Jimin, buhat na si Eve.

Naagaw tuloy nila ang atensiyon nina Evah at Namjoon, kahit ang dalawang pinsan kong katabi ni Jimin ay nag-angat din ng tingin sa kanila ni Taehyung. Dumako sa direksiyon namin ang tingin ni Namjoon at nagtatakang tumitig.

"You okay here? We'll go inside." I informed the leader of BTS. Sabay silang tumango ni Evah saka tumayo rin.

Hindi ko na pinansin pa ang pag-ismid at pag-irap ng mga pinsan ko dahil tumalikod na ako at marahang hinila si Bien para maglakad na pabalik sa loob ng mansiyon. He again whispered me that everything was going to be fine and I low-key nodded my head at him, receiving the assurance he was making me feel.

Sa likod ay nakasunod sila sa amin. We could hear Jimin and Eve's trivial conversation and I couldn't help but smile every time I would hear her giggling over what Jimin said.

I didn't know if telling Eve that Jimin was her father would turn out fine but I was hoping, I was hoping that it wouldn't hurt her, it was her feelings that mattered for me that if it would seriously hurt her, I would rather not tell her.

Sa dining area kami pare-pareho nagtungo dahil kay Taehyung na gustong-gusto na ulit kumain, hindi pa rin pala silang kumakain lahat, maging si Bien kaya naman tuwang-tuwa sila nang makitang puno ng pagkain ang dining table. The other visitors were still around the mansion while my mother probably had dragged the Lotivios to her teahouse.

Pagdaan sa living room ay tipid na ngiti lang ang ibinigay ko kay Papang na bahagyang tumango sa akin, sumaglit pa ang mga mata niya kay Jimin at Eve pero wala namang sinabi at hinayaan na kaming tumuloy sa dining area.

I let Jimin handle his daughter as they both seated on a chair just beside the edge of the table. Si Bien ay pina-upo ko na rin katabi lang ni Namjoon at Evah dahil si Taehyung ay piniling katabi si Jimin, okupado na sa mga pagkaing nasa hapag.

Siguro ay mamaya ko na sila ipapakilala sa mga magulang ko, hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawin iyon pero iyon ang pinakatamang gawin.

It wasn't the most important event that might happen today but the moment I would finally tell Eve about her father. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko gagawin iyon. I was both afraid and hesitant but I knew, I needed to do it.

Eve needed to know Jimin's stand in her life.

"Seol, you should sit and eat too, come," mabining sabi sa akin ni Bien nang nilingon niya ako at bahagyang hinaplos ang kamay kong nasa tuktok ng upuan niya.

Kusang dumako ang mga mata ko sa kabisera ng mesa para lang makasalubong ang pares ng seryosong mga mata ni Jimin. He held safely in his lap our daughter who was already busy pigletting the foods on the table and giggling with Taehyung.

My heart fell. I didn't want to acknowledge that behind his stern stares, there was something more, something my heart couldn't ever take. His pain, my pain, our pain.

Mabilis kong ibinaling muli kay Bien ang tingin ko at pakiramdam ko, dumoble lang ang sakit na naramdaman ko. His eyes also told the same thing. I was hurting all of us here and I hated that about myself.

Sighing deeply, I clenched my teeth as I slowly shook my head. "I'll eat later, I still need to go and check if Aly arrived already. You'll be fine here, alone?"

Marahang tumango si Bien. "Of course, go. I'll be fine." And he smiled softly at me that made my heart ache even more.

To be honest, only if I could just take all of his pain away, only if there was a way for him to be out of this, if there was only a way to drag him out of this so it wouldn't be so hard and painful for him anymore, then I would take it, I would bare the pain for him because I deserved it.

Kaya kong harapin muli ang nararamdaman ko kay Jimin, tatanggapin kong paulit-ulit na masaktan dahil sa kaniya pero please, please, huwag si Bien.

I wanted him out of this. I wanted his heart to be shielded from all this.