Until

You maybe thought
that when you left,
I would be waiting for you.
Oh, how right you were.
I did, but only until you had showed me
you were never coming back.

♠♠♠

Chapter Thirty-five

Days passed by very quickly. Parang kailan lang noong sinundo ko si Bien sa airport, parang kailan lang noong naganap iyong unang pagkikita ni Bien at ng pamilya ko. Kuya Haynes was obviously very giddy about Bien being here, they always talked as if they were good friends while my parents were very welcoming to Bien.

Of course, hindi nawala ang pang-iinterrogate ni Papang sa kaniya noong unang beses na magkasalo kami sa hapag isang gabi ng dinner. My father had seriously asked Bien about all the things he thought he had needed to know about the former idol’s background. I remembered one embarrassing question he had asked Bien.

“My daughter’s earning millions a day while just idling here at home, what do you do? How much is your income a day?”

Hindi lang ako ang napa-facepalm nang tinanong niya iyon kung hindi maging si Mamang habang tila komportable naman si Bien na kausap ang pamilya ko. I remembered Mamang scolding Papang in Tagalog so Bien wouldn’t understand. Pero kahit na ganoon, sinagot pa rin ng tapat ni Bien ang tanong na iyon ni Papang kahit na inilingan ko na siya.

“I don’t usually monitor my account’s cash flow, Sir, but I work in an agency in Korea.” Bien didn’t sound like bragging or degrading, he just simply answered, not even rattled about the fact that my father’s question was very inappropriate.

“What kind of work? You see, Hanselle has a daughter. You can’t expect me to hand them to you without getting assured that you can give them, if not more than, at least half of what I can give to them.”

Halos magka-awa ako kay Mamang na nasa harap ko lang para patigilin na niya si Papang. I understood where he was getting at, for sure, any normal and sane father would do that but not at first meeting! Sa tono niya parang sinisigurado na niyang hindi na makaka-atras si Bien sa amin ni Eve kung talagang balak nga nitong bumuo ng pamilya kasama namin ni Eve.

Sighing, Mamang held my father’s arm as she gave him a warning look but Papang didn’t bulge. He just stared confusedly at her before he once again turned to Bien, and waited for his answer. Sina Kuya Haynes at Chelsea ay nanonood lang at mukhang alam nilang hindi mapipigilan si Papang.

Just don’t let them get into business because it wouldn’t seriously end.

“I’m one of the board of directors and a mentor, Sir.”

Nakontento si Papang sa sagot na iyon ni Bien kaya nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang hindi na muli siya nagtanong ng mga nakakahiyang tanong kay Bien, iyong mga tanong na lang na natural na itanong ng isang tao sa mga bagong kakilala.

My father had asked Bien so many things that my mother didn’t throw her part of the inquiry anymore because my father had already done that for them.

Ilang araw na simula nang dumating si Bien sa Manila, at ilang araw na ring occupied si Eve kay Bien kaya hindi na niya masyadong binabanggit si Jimin. Her father had been trying to call her but every time my daughter’s phone would ring for his call, she was with Bien. Ako na lang ang sumasagot at sinasabing abala ang bata. Of course, I once had mentioned to him about Bien being here and I didn’t bother myself to mind how he reacted about it.

Why would I keep it from him? I was long done being involved with his feelings, not because my feelings for him had come back, I would again be a slave for my heart.

Hindi na ulit, my heart could keep being stupid for him but I wouldn’t let it get to me.

Sa akin na rin ipinaliwanag ni Jimin kung bakit hindi na siya nakabalik dito noong nakaraan since hindi sila makapag-usap ni Eve. Not that it would be good with Bien being here. Hindi rin naman kasi nagtatanong iyong bata kung bakit.

I also didn't ask, he just explained it to me himself!

“Sally’s flight was delayed so we had to wait for it. Also, I had to fix some matters…” I remembered how his voice had quivered from the other line but I didn’t let it affect me.

“It’s fine, just next time, don’t promise anything to my daughter,” sagot ko.

I didn’t like to get mad at Sally anymore. The female idol didn’t deserve it. Isa pa, if she had just personally gone here just to tell me what she had told me, then I should be thankful to her. Naabala ko pa iyong tao.

In Bien’s side, since no one in the house had really mentioned about Jimin and the BTS, he was still unaware that Jimin was already seeing my daughter. I had actually been trying to tell him, I had been trying to find the perfect timing to speak and talk to him about Jimin but every time I tried, I always saw him smiling and having fun with Eve.

It was killing me, my heart couldn’t afford to break his heart and hurt him by telling him the truth. Ni hindi ko kayang makitang mabura iyong ngiti sa mga labi niya dahil lang sa pagkakamaling nagawa ko.

I was also done following my heart for it never brought me anything good but pain. Tama si Kuya, not all the time you have to choose your heart, sometimes you have to go to what’s easy, to where there will be less damage and less pain. Sometimes, you also have to be selfless to give way for another.

“Tito Bien, you think my Mommy’s other families will like me? Will they play with me?”

Looking over my daughter who comfortably had her back lean on Bien, her small frame wrapped around Bien’s arms as they both played her console game, both eyes on the screen as they were both focused, my lips tightly pursed when Bien slowly turned his head to my direction. Para bang alam niyang nakikinig ako sa kanila. Mula sa pagkaka-upo sa single couch katabi ng long couch kung nasaan sila ay tumayo ako nang tanguan ako ni Bien.

He fixed my daughter in his arms as he let me sit beside him. Hinayaan niyang si Eve ang manalo sa race na nilalaro nila dahil binitawan na niya ang controller para akbayan ako.

“She has been asking me that. She must be very excited,” he whispered me, lightly caressing my arm.

“I’m excited, Tito Bien, I want to meet them so I can have more playmates. I’ll let them play with my console,” wala sa sariling sagot ni Eve dahil abala pa rin siya sa nilalaro. Hindi na nga niya napansing hindi na gumagalaw ang sasakyan ng kalaban niya.

“Of course, they’ll like you, Eve.” Ako ang sumagot kay Eve saka ako sumandal kay Bien, pinapanood ang nilalaro ng bata.

I didn’t agree with the idea of having my other relatives meet Eve just for her to get judge by them. She was a sweet kid, she might be aloof and not so approachable for people she didn’t personally know, I was sure, if spared a chance, they would like her.

Who wouldn’t like my baby?

Isa pa, hindi ko rin ipipilit sa kanila ang anak ko kung makikitaan man nila si Eve ng flaws. Hindi ko ipipilit ang anak ko sa kanila kung hindi nila matatanggap ang mga flaws na iyon ng anak ko. My daughter wasn’t born to please anyone, she was born to be loved and cared for.

Everything was set already, also the date. Noong nakaraang linggo natapos ang preparasyon para sa baptismal ng kambal, the priest and the ceremony were what mattered so my brother focused on that one while Chelsea focused on monitoring her family’s schedule so when they flew to Manila, there wouldn’t be any inconvenience along the way. Sina Mamang at Papang naman ang bahala sa mga kamag-anak naming gustong pumunta.

Of course, ininvite nila lahat pero mayroong mga hindi makakapunta dahil nasa labas sila ng bansa, kasama na roon ang pamilya ni Tita Zia. She was my favourite auntie so I kind of had felt disappointed but she said over the phone the last time we had talked, she could still maybe change her mind. Kung hindi lang daw siya nasa labas ng bansa, siguradong makakapunta siya.

Montercarlos were also coming, those were my mother’s cousins since she didn’t have siblings. Kumpara sa mga Montecarlos, mas malapit ang pamilya namin sa mga Ursulas dahil sila ang madalas naming makasama sa mga pagtitipon noon. Pamilya lang yata ni Tito Brian ang siguradong makakapunta sa mga Ursulas, samantalang karamihan ay mga Montecarlos na. Majority of my mother’s relatives were here in the Philippines and were helping my mother handle the conglomerate.

Ang pinaka-parent company ng Montecarlos ay nandito sa Valenzuela na siyang pinamamahalaan ni Mamang, it had subsidiaries and industries around the country. Si Mamang talaga ang chairwoman, pero dahil maraming kumpanya ang nakapaloob sa Montecarlos ay nahati na rin ang pamamahala sa iba.

Years ago, the management was all in my mother’s hands but as time passed by, she might have realized that she couldn’t handle it alone so she gave her cousins a fair share from the conglomerate.

My mother was still very considerate not to pressure us by giving us a part of the management. She could actually just pull Holly from her work in Manila and hand her one of the companies, but she didn’t because she thought so highly of what we wanted to do.

I was also willing to take part of the management someday but not now. Kasi sino pa ba naman ang puwedeng mamahala sa Montecarlos kapag na-isipan na ni Mamang na mag-retire? Kaming magkakapatid lang naman. We also couldn't expect Kuya Haynes to solely take over the Montecarlos since he was expected to take over the Ursula Firm, but for sure, we would need a hand from him.

“Bien, stop feeding her chocolates. You’re spoiling her again,” mahinang sabi ko kay Bien isang hapon nang abutan ko sila ni Eve sa kusina at parehong kumakain ng chocolate balls na paniguradong binili na naman ni Bien.

Nakatungong si Eve as countertop, sitting indian seat with a Jake plush toy on top of her lap. Nakasandal naman ang mga braso ni Bien as countertop at ibinubuka ang bibig as tuwing susubuan siya ng bata ng isang chocolate ball.

Ngumisi lang si Bien at hindi man lang sinunod ang gusto ko. Palibhasa sa amin ni Eve, iyong bata ang palagi niyang sinusunod. He always gave in to all her whims for as long as it wasn’t bad for the kid. He let Eve eat chocolates because he knew too well how to stop her. Hindi talaga nagtatagal sa refrigerator ang mga chocolates dahil nauubos iyong lahat ni Eve. Might as well not include sweet treats when shopping groceries but then, Bien was always up to giving Eve her caprices.

Noong isang araw nga ay lumabas sila pareho kasama si Esen para mamasyal. They didn’t go out of Ursula land, they just strolled around the land, visited some of the establishments inside and played at the Parkcircle.

Only small shops had access inside the Ursula land, mostly were cafés and boutiques. Hindi rin naman sila puwedeng lumabas talaga dahil hindi pa rin safe para sa identity nila pareho. Bien was still a part of Korean showbiz industry.

Kung minsan ay isinasama nila ako dahil sa pamimilit ni Eve. We would just stay at the Parkcircle with the other people who also came for a visit. Malaki ang Ursula Land, ni wala pa sa kalahati ang sakop ng Ursula Residences kaya may ibang residences ang nakatira sa loob. Those people were Montecarlos’ land tenants.

“She really takes after you,” ani Bien habang naka-upo kami pareho sa bench at pinapanood si Eve na mag-isang naglalaro sa ilalim ng monkey bars.

The kid was too small for it. Mukhang pangsampung taong bata yata ang monkey bars na iyon tapos natural na maliit na bata si Eve. She wasn’t playing with the bars, she was messily digging on the grassy mud with a twig I didn’t know where she got from as she sat squatting.

Sinubukan ko siyang sawayin kanina pero pinigilan ako ni Bien. He said I should let the kid because it was what we came here for, to let her play.

“She was deprived before, now let her…” That was what he had said that had seriously shut me up and just remained sitting beside him.

Kaya kahit na dungis na dungis ako sa ginagawa ng bata, kahit na nababahala ako sa lupang nasa mga kamay niya ay hinayaan ko siya kasi kahit na mag-isa siya, nakikita kong nag-eenjoy siya. Isa pa, Eve was smart enough not to bring her dirty hands to her mouth.

“I used to play alone in my room too.” Ngumuso ako dahil hindi naman ako madalas lumabas noong bata pa ako.

Si Holly iyong talagang nakaranas na maglaro rito sa park noon. Her nanny was always bringing her here so she could play. Si Manang Aurora na siyang nanny ko ay mas istrikto pa kaysa kay Mamang noon kaya kahit na gustuhin ko mang lumabas, hindi siya pumapayag. I was also that kind of kid that when told not to do, I would follow, I would just keep quiet and do other things I was allowed to do.

“Yah, you don’t know how your pretty intimidating face makes people stay away from you,” he said, amused.

Mabilis ko siyang nilingon saka sinamaan ng tingin. Tapos na kami rito. Noon ay madalas niya akong asarin dahil hindi naman daw talaga madaling lapitan ako noon. Bukod daw kasi sa talagang mukha akong maldita, hindi raw ako pala-imik. I suddenly remembered the time I had seen him smoking at a convenient store back in Korea. Noong muli kaming magkita noon after five years, naninigarilyo pa rin sya pero tinigil niya iyon simula nang unti-unti na siyang naging malapit sa amin ni Eve.

Who would have thought back then that he would have a special place in my heart and my life now?

“And what I mean, look at your daughter. Other kids have been throwing looks to her, they all clearly want to play with her but with that face? She needs a social life, Seol-ah.”

Napagtanto kong habang lumalaki si Eve, hindi ko gustong pagdaanan niya iyong mga pinagdaanan ko. I wanted her to be a happy kid, I wanted her to have friends, I wanted her to easily get along with other kids. Kasi kapag lumaki siyang mailap sa mga tao, wala siyang magiging kaibigan sa school.

“What? She’s cute, she has soft features. Those kids maybe can’t just take in her beauty. Why won’t they play with her?” Ngumuso ako saka pinanood siya sa ginagawa niya. She had already dig a hole and only she knew what she was doing.

“She is, though other kids may be shy at her.”

Sa tuwing isinasama nila ako sa Parkcircle, palaging mag-isang naglalaro si Eve. Sometimes, she would drag Bien with her as they both messed with the mud. Hindi naman nagrereklamo si Bien at natutuwa pa.

See? With Bien, everything was perfect. He loved my daughter, my daughter loved him too. Walang magiging problema.

“You need to tell him, Hanselle. Dalawang araw na lang, binyag na ng kambal. I don’t know if you’ve invited Eve's father but it won’t seriously be good if Bien will meet him on Saturday. Sa nakikita ko, masasaktan mo nga siya pero hindi ganoon kababaw ang pagmamahal niya sa’yo para hindi maintindihan na may karapatan din naman ang Daddy ni Eve sa bata. I just also don’t want you to get tangled up in very complicated situation just because you fear the uncertainty. Hurt him now, it won’t be different for you’re also going to hurt him in the future.”

Pinag-isipan kong mabuti ang sinabing iyon ni Kuya Hayes. Nahihirapan na ako sa bawat araw na lumilipas, nahihirapan ako sa tuwing nakikita kong masaya sina Eve at Bien, ayaw kong ma-guilty pero iyong karapatan ni Jimin sa bata… naipagkakait ko na.

I didn’t know anymore. I just wanted what was good for one person, I didn’t like to include people I didn’t want to have to do anything with anymore but it was hard for me. Parang araw-araw na lang nila akong parehong nasasaktan. I was hurting for Bien’s unawareness and I was even more hurting for depriving Jimin to see or even talk to his daughter.

Paglabas ko ng banyo at makita kong nakahiga na si Bien sa tabi ng natutulog na bata, marahan niyang hinahaplos ang buhok ni Eve habang nakatitig dito na para bang si Eve ang pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay niya, nagdesisyon akong tapusin na ang pagpapahirap sa sarili ko.

Bien needed to know. He must know to finally ease up the guilt and pain within my heart. He needed to know because he deserved it, he deserved the truth. He didn't deserve to be left alone in the dark.

Narinig niya ang paglabas ko kaya nilingon niya ako, ang mga mata ay kumikislap dahil sa malamlam na liwanag ng kuwarto. Dito siya natutulog kasama namin ni Eve. The bed was big for the three of us. Si Eve ang nasa pagitan namin pareho.

“She’s asleep already?” mahina kong tanong habang sinusuklay ang basa kong buhok.

“Yes, it didn’t take me talking long and she’s already slumbering soundly. Come, let’s sleep…” Tinapik niya ang kabilang bahagi ni Eve pero umiling ako. Nilingon ko muna ang pinto saka siya binalingan, naninikip ang lalamunan ko para sa gagawin ko pero kailangan ko itong gawin.

Para sa kaniya, para akin, para kay Jimin. Para sa lahat.

I needed to be strong, also and be ready to accept both of our fates after this. Na kay Bien ang desisyon.

“Let’s leave her first for a while. I… I need to speak with you about something,” I said as I pointed him the closed door. Nakita ko kung paanong bahagyang bumuka ang mga labi niya saka kumurap ang mga mata. In the end, lamely getting up from the bed, he nodded curtly.

“After you…” He softly told so me so I went out the room with him silently following after me. Dumiretso ako sa kabilang kuwato, sa kuwarto ni Holly dahil wala namang tao roon. Siya ang nagsara ng pinto ng makalapit kami.

Hindi ko pa man nauumipisahan ay ang nanghihina na ang mga tuhod ko at naninikip na ang dibdib ko kaya nagtungo ako sa living space ng kuwarto ni Holly at naupo sa couch. I signaled him the couch in front of me and he slowly followed, his eyes couldn’t seem to stare at me.

Iyon pa lang, mga matang iyon pa lang ay sobra-sobra na akong pinapahirapan. I knew Bien, I knew that he already knew what I would say. Sa ikinikilos pa lang niya ay alam kong alam na niyang hindi maganda ang pag-uusapan namin.

Letting my hands fiddle with each other on top of my lap, I threw a sad smile his way though he had his head down. Kung bibigyan lang talaga ako ng isa pang pagkakataon, kung ibabalik ako ng tadhana kung saan hindi pa bumabalik sa buhay ko si Jimin, bibigyan ko na talaga ng halaga si Bien, iyong halagang nararapat sa kaniya.

I wouldn’t take him for granted, I would make him feel lucky because I was loved by him… I would even drag him to a marriage ceremony so it wouldn’t take us into this already.

I wouldn’t ever hurt him, only if I could go back and change everything.

Hindi ko pinagsisisihang minahal ko ulit si Jimin… no, my love for him was never gone, it was just set aside because I was hurt, ang pinagsisisihan ko ng lubos ay kung bakit noong mga panahong hindi pa bumabalik si Jimin, bakit nagsayang ako ng panahon kay Bien?

“Bien…” I called him to have his beautiful pair of deep eyes meet my guilty ones.

Dahan-dahan siyang nag-angat ng tingin sa akin saka ko nakita ang panunubig ng mga mata niya. Right there and then I knew, I was so stupid for thinking that he was unaware about everything. I was so stupid for thinking that he was stupid not to know things.

I pressed my lips together before opening my mouth to speak, voice quivering, I let my mouth spill what I had been trying to hide from him. “You know that Jimin’s here, Bien…” I started.

Nanatili akong nakatitig sa mukha niya kahit nang malaya niyang pinakawalan ang mga luhang pumupuno sa mga mata niya. They were precious tears he shouldn’t be shedding just because I was a shameless and disgusting woman. I was too shameless for making such two precious and beautiful men miserable.

“He has been h-here. Eve had been finally hanging together with her father but…” I trailed off when I choked in my own saliva, my sobs were threatening to come out but I didn’t let them for in the two of us, it was only him who had the rights to cry.

Yumuko siyang muli, ang mga braso ay ipinatong na sa mga hita niya habang ipinagsasalikop ang mga kamay. Unable to see him hurt and ball, I also ducked my head down, having my eyes meet the ground.

“But I thought it wouldn’t be fair to you so when you came, I didn’t let Jimin talk with her again. D-Don’t start with me about being unfair to Jimin because I was unfair to you first—“

“S-Seol-ah, you’re seriously, very seriously being unfair to him…” His broken voice just tore my heart even more. “I w-was actually just waiting for you t-to tell this to me. He wasn’t in Korea, so I a-already assumed that he was h-here with Eve plus SMT had b-been talking about Sally’s visit here, they thought it h-had something to do with Jimin.”

Tumango ako. “It had…”

“I understand if it took you long to say this to me, but Seol, he’s Hyechan’s father. Whether you like it or n-not, he has the rights—“

“I wasn’t thinking about what I feel and what he feels! I… I was thinking about how you would feel, Bien!” Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya at sa nanlalabong mga mata, nakita ko ang sakit na idinudulot ko sa kaniya mula sa mga mata niya.

Smiling sadly, he slowly shook his head. “What I feel doesn’t matter, Seol. I don’t have a say when it comes to Chan’s relationship with her father. You know how precious she is to me, that even though I’m very willing to give her the world, being her father isn’t included in that. It isn't me who she needs. So don’t deprive them both of being together… they deserve each other.”

I seriously hated why everyone seemed to think the same thing. And I hated why Bien had to be this kind and thoughtful. Nakaka-inis dahil pakiramdam ko, ang samang-sama ko dahil katulad niya mag-isip ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Ako lang yata ang baliko ang pag-iisip!

“I hate you! Why don’t you think about how can you have your gain first? Why do you always have to think of other people first?!” inis kong sigaw sa kaniya na nginitian niya sa kabila ng pamamasa ng mga pisngi niya.

“That doesn’t apply to other people, Soel. I’m only like that to you and Chan.”

Sa inis kong, mabilis akong tumayo para sunggaban siya ng yakap. Hindi niya iyon inaasahan kaya nahulog kami pareho sa couch. His arms instantly wrapping around me as I immediately dipped my face on his neck, letting myself cry.

“And that'll hurt you! I’d like you to be selfish at least once and think about yourself! Nakakatakot na baka dahil sa sobrang selfless mo, ibigay mo na lang kami ni Eve kay Jimin!” I was crying hard so I didn’t have a control over what I was rambling anymore. I just so hated the fact that he loved me and Eve so much that he didn’t have anything left in him anymore.

“I love you, I think getting hurt is inevitable,” he softly whispered me as he softly cradled me in his arms, finally letting my guilt break loose from the tight grip of my conscience.

“Then promise me you’ll never let us go,” I said in a muffled voice against his neck. Bilang sagot, niyakap na lang niya ako ng mahigpit at hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matakot at masaktan sa ginawa niyang iyon.

I wanted him to be selfish but he was Bien, he was a selfless man when it came to me and my daughter.

♠♠♠

Bien, take my heart instead 😭♥

- Hannan♥