End

If I had only known
how our love would end,
I shouldn’t have loved you back then.

♠♠♠

Chapter Thirty-four

Una sa lahat, sobrang hirap na sa tuwing nag-uusap sina Eve at Bien ay sinusubukan ko talagang iwan sila at bigyan sila pareho ng oras sa isa’t isa. At least, that was how Bien saw it. Deep within me, hindi iyon ang dahilan. I was just too guilty to shamelessly show my face to him after what I had done. Hindi ko kayang humarap sa kaniya at umaktong parang walang nangyari, na parang wala akong kasalanan sa kaniya dahil hindi iyon mapapayagan ng konsensiya ko.

Every time his call time with my daughter would come, I would always go out of the room and let them talk. Babalik lang ako matapos ang ilang oras at kapag oras na ng tulog ni Eve. Bien knew how to limit his time when talking to Eve. Kapag pumatak na ng alas-nuwebe ng gabi ay kailangan na nilang magpaalam sa isa’t isa dahil oras na ng tulog ng bata.

The time after dinner till sleep time was their time together, while the time before dinner and prior to that was Eve’s time with her father. Kahit papaano ay nakakasanayan na rin naman ng bata ang ganoong setup, I didn’t bother thinking about how it was affecting me because what I felt wasn’t what mattered.

Kung saan masaya si Eve, doon ako kahit na mahirap para sa akin.

It was like I was cheating on both Bien and Jimin. It was like I was both using them for my daughter’s gain. I knew that sounded so wrong in so many levels but it was true. Sa tuwing hinahayaan kong mag-usap sina Bien at Eve, parati akong nasasaktan para kay Jimin at sa tuwing si Jimin at Eve naman ang magka-usap, nalulungkot ako para kay Bien.

I was really torn again, though this time not between two decisions but between two people who both had significance in my heart and my daughter’s heart.

Marahan kong isinandal ang buong likod ko sa backrest ng couch dito sa living room, ang leeg ay ipinatong na rin sa tuktok ng sandalan saka ko mariing ipinikit ang mga mata ko. Everyone was in their room already and probably preparing for sleep and here I was, waiting for the shortest hand of the clock to strike the number nine so I could go back to the room and sleep with Eve.

Magkausap pa rin sila panigurado ni Bien hanggang ngayon, kung hindi lang naman talaga sa curfew ni Eve ay baka abutin sila ng umaga sa pag-uusap lang ng kung anu-ano. Eve was a naturally rambling and noisy kid when talking to someone so close to her, but I was still confused why she hadn’t mentioned Jimin to Bien yet. Hindi ko rin naman alam ang pinag-uusapan nila ng Daddy niya.

Sure, Jimin wouldn’t tell the kid not to tell about him to Bien, why would he? Wala siyang paki-alam kung malalaman man ni Bien o hindi. It shouldn’t bother him.

“Mommy?”

Brows furrowing, my heart instantly got rattled when I heard my daughter’s soft and innocent voice. Mabilis akong umayos ng upo saka nag-angat ng tingin sa hagdan kung saan ko narinig ang boses niya. From upstairs, that was where I found her small figure in her usual animal onesie—it was a rainbow unicorn for tonight, in her hands was her tablet where she always spoke to Bien and her pair of small eyes was already blinking for sleep.

Napanguso ako dahil ang cute-cute niya. Nakalimutan ko sandali kung bakit ako narito sa living room. Kung hindi lang siya nagtangkang humakbang pababa ng isang baitang ay hindi pa ako tatayo para lapitan siya.

“Eve, stay there! Mommy will go to you, okay?” medyo malakas kong sigaw dahil natakot ako sa gagawin niya. Masyadong mataas ang hagdan at natatakot na maling tapak niya lang ay puwede siyang mahulog.

She stopped abruptly, going back to that one corner of the staircase and just stared down at me, waiting for me. I smiled sweetly at her, seeing how submissive she was when being told not to do this and that. Mabait naman talaga siyang bata. Sumusunod siya sa mga sinasabi sa kaniya, huwag lang talagang tatanggihan sa mga gusto niya.

[“Chan, what are you doing? Your Mommy coming already?”]

Hindi pa man ako tuluyang nakakarating sa dulo ng hagdan ay natigilan na ako dahil sa malambot ngunit tila pagod na boses na iyon. It came from the speaker of the tablet she was holding. Napahawak ako sa railing saka bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga maliliit na kamay ni Eve kung nasaan ang tablet.

I thought they already finished talking…

“Yes, Tito Bien. I’ll give her my tablet because I’m already sleepy,” the kid innocently answered the former idol on the other line of the gadget, her eyes still blinking slowly at me as her small lips parted for a cute yawn.

[“Okay, you look sleepy, baby.”] Boses muli ni Bien na may kakabit nang mahinang pagtawa sa dulo.

Bumuntong-hininga ako. Wala talaga akong takas, kakailanganin ko pa rin talaga siyang harapin. I couldn’t keep hiding from him, and running away from him just to live the guilt I was feeling. Kailangan kong harapin iyon, at ibig sabihin noon, kailangan namin ng masinsinang pag-uusap ni Bien.

We both needed an enlightenment from each other for this relationship to work and grow.

Kung si Bien na ang lalaking gusto kong makasamang bubuo ng pamilya, hindi ko siya puwedeng takbuhan na lang palagi. It had been what? Almost a week? Hindi ko na tuloy nasundan kung ano nang update doon sa grupong tini-train niya, kung na-ilabas na ba ang mga ito o ano.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-akyat at nang makalapit na ako ng tuluyan kay Eve ay inilahad ko sa kaniya ang kamay ko para i-abot niya sa akin ang tablet.

“Tito Bien said he wants to talk to you. I’m sleepy, Mommy.” She pouted, her small fists squeezing her eyes. Tumango ako sa kaniya saka inabot din ang kamay niya at bumalik kami sa kuwarto.

I first placed the tablet on the bedside table, Bien’s handsome face facing the ceiling as I saw firsthand his bright smile. I just raised my hand to him to acknowledge his presence before I went back to Eve to safely and gently tuck her in bed. Itinaas ko hanggang sa dibdib niya ang kumot nang makahiga siya saka ako yumuko para halikan siya sa noo.

“Good night, mahal ko. Say good night to your Tito Bien now,” malambing ko sabi sa kaniya.

“Good night, Mommy. Good night, Tito Bien. I love you both…” Unti-unting humina ang boses niya.

[“Good night, baby. I love you too.”]

“I love you.”

Sabay kaming sumagot sa kaniya. Nang makita kong banayad nang nagtataas-baba ang dibdib ng bata ay binalingan ko nang muli ang tablet. Aching in both guilt and sadness, my heart still managed to choke me when I again saw his bright smile, though his eyes screamed tiredness. Dinampot ko ang tablet at dinala iyon patungo sa sala set ng kuwarto ko.

May alam na kaya siya? How could he stay unaware about Jimin being here with Eve? Wala bang balita sa Korea na wala roon ang ibang mga miyembro ng BTS? Impossible. He knew that Jimin was here, and if there were already news in Korea about the BTS disappearance, it wouldn't take two cents for Bien to realize why Jimin was here.

“You look tired…” I started when finally I let him have a peek of my face. Mas sumakit lang ang dibdib ko nang mas lumiwanag pa ang mukha niya dahil sa pagkakangiti niya nang makita niya ako.

How could I be so lucky to have him, and his heart?

[“The broadcast that the boys attended finished later than expected. I needed to come along with them since the management hasn’t yet still decided about their team staffs. Seol, I made their debut possible…”] mahabang sabi niya na halata sa boses ang pagod pero kapansin-pansin din ang saya. From the way his tired eyes lit up, I knew he was so proud of himself.

I smiled at him. “Of course, you did. No one could do it but you, Bien. That’s a dream came true in your part, congratulations, I’m so proud of you…” Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko para mapigilan ang panginginig ng mga ito.

My throat was hurting but I endured, my eyes were sweating but I wanted to think that it was because I was overjoyed for his achievement. I didn’t want to acknowledge any sick feeling for now, at least give me a break. I didn’t want to think about how I felt now, it should be how he felt for now.

[“Ne, I still have a dream I haven’t yet achieved but I’m hoping… soon.”]

Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin bago ko pa man makita mula sa mga mata niya ang pag-asang pumupuno sa boses niya. It was hard seeing his face with the thought of the pain I would possibly inflict him if he would know what I did, and it was harder talking with him about the two of us when the pain of guilt was dripping in my heart… it was devastating and killing.

I didn’t want to hurt him! Pero ayaw ko rin naman magpaka-ipokrita at sabihing sana hindi ko na lang hinayaang mangyari iyon sa amin ni Jimin dahil kahit pagbali-baliktarin ko pa ang mundo, klarong-klaro pa rin sa isipan ko kung paanong kinalimutan ko ang lahat, maging si Bien at ang nararamdaman niya, noong gabing iyon dahil ginusto ko iyon.

I wanted it to happen. I wanted that night. I wanted Jimin that night. I wanted everything… and that was what made it even more painful.

[“Seol, I want to talk to you about my flight to Manila… I’ve been planning to book a ticket,”] aniya sa maingat na boses na para bang natatakot siyang hindi ko magugustuhan ang sasabihin niya.

And why should he have to be so soft for me? Why couldn’t he just take himself first, think about himself first and not me, not Eve? Just why?

Napag-usapan namin noon na kapag matagumpay niyang nai-launch ang debut ng bagong grupong ng SMT ay susunod na siya rito para makasama kami ni Eve. It was very tempting and very pulling before, it was what we both wanted before. At iyon ang dapat na mangyari.

Hell might break loose if he would meet Jimin here but it was what should happen. Ayaw ko na rin maglihim pa sa kaniya. Sobrang hirap…

Nai-labas na ang bagong grupo ng SMT. Ngayon ko lang nalaman dahil ngayon ko lang muling pinayagan ang sarili ko na makita at naka-isip siya. The former idol was so kind, and here I was, filled with disgusting lies and secrets. Wala na dapat talaga akong mukhang mai-haharap sa kaniya.

Sino ba naman ako? I was just Hanselle Ursula, he was Byun Bien, he was a star, a lot of people loved him.

Staring intently at his eyes, I spoke the words I thought he would want to hear. “Can… c-can you be here as soon as… as p-possible?” Dahil kung magtatagal ka pa riyan, baka hindi ko na kayanin at bumigay na lang ako sa Daddy ni Eve!

Nakita ko kung paanong suminghap siya sa sinabi ko habang hindi kumukurap ang mga matang nakatitig sa akin na para bang isang malaking joke ang nakikita niya. I must have made him feel that he should always need my permission first before doing anything that regarded my daughter and our relationship.

I had badly taken him for granted, and I hated myself for it.

“Bien, I’m s-serious!” I whimpered in front of him, not wanting how it was taking him long to respond. Sumasakit na nga ang dibdib ko tapos pinaparamdam pa niya sa aking hindi ako kailanman nagbigay para sa kaniya, siya parati, siya parati ang nagbibigay.

Chuckling, he first lowered his head and when he again raised his head to let our eyes meet, waters were already filling his beautiful deep eyes. It made my heart felt like a joke. Nasasaktan ako dahil masasaktan ko siya, pero kailanman hindi ko naisip na mas masasaktan siya kapag nakita niyang nasasaktan ako.

That was how Bien since then. His tears were me, as I was also its trigger.

[“As soon as possible, I’m guessing I should be there before this day ends.”] Banayad niyang pinunasan ang mga mata niya gamit ang isang braso niya saka muling tumawa.

I nodded slowly. “See you at the airport…”

Truth be told, it was eleven in the evening when Bien messaged me that he had already checked in and managed to catch the last flight for the day, and he was just waiting for his departure.

Apat na oras ang biyahe niya sa eroplano kaya madaling araw na siyang makakarating sa Manila. I just prepared everything I would need for when I woke up in the middle of the sun threatening to rise with my phone ringing to the alarm I set up, I was ready. Alas-cinco ang tantiya kong mismong oras ng lapag ng eroplanong sinasakyan ni Bien sa NAIA pero alas-tres pa lang ay handa na ako. It was still very dark outside and probably, people inside the Ursula Mansion were still sleeping deeply.

“I’m very sorry for waking you up this early, Jessie. Puwede bang sa kuwarto ka na matulog para masamahan mo si Eve? Tell everyone in the morning that I went out to fetch Bien from the airport.”

Na-guilty akong kailangan kong sirain ang tulog ni Jessie sa gitna ng gabi pero hindi ko naman kasi kailangang iwang mag-isa sa kuwarto si Eve. Iiyak iyon nang iiyak kapag nagising siya bigla tapos nakita niyang wala siyang kasama.

Hindi ko na inabala pa ang mga drivers sa bahay para ipag-drive ako dahil balak kong umalis nang mag-isa. Nakaparada sa labas ng mansiyon ang kotse ni Kuya kaya iyon na ang ginamit ko. Kuya Haynes could use other cars because I also didn’t want to wake up people just to ask them to bring a car out from the garage for me. Naiwan ko sa bahay ko sa Manila ang Jeep ko kaya hindi ko iyon magagamit.

The ride to Manila was smooth and quick because there weren’t still so many cars in the road. Mabilis lang akong nakarating sa Manila at may isang oras pa bago lumapag ang eroplano nang makarating naman ako sa NAIA.

Hindi na ako nag-abalang mag-text kay Bien dahil paniguradong naka-airplane mode ang phone niya. Pinili ko na lang na manatili sa sasakyan dahil malamig sa labas tapos wala pang ma-uupuan sa departure area na para sa mga sumusundo.

Habang lumilipas ang oras ay kapansin-pansin ang pagdami ng mga taong nasa departure area ng airport. I hoped Bien wore a disguise because it wouldn’t be nice for him to get mobbed by people here. Hindi ko pa talaga nakikita ang mga articles na sinabi ni Sally tungkol sa amin ni Bien at ayaw kong dagdagan pa iyon.

Eksaktong alas-cinco ako nagpasyang bumaba ng kotse, nagsuot ako ng simpleng itim na bonnet sa ulo. Simpleng white long sleeves shirt lang suot ko at faded denim jeans, pinaresan ko ng itim na flats. I stood somewhere the departure area slightly far from the crowd of people also waiting, but I made sure Bien would easily catch a sight of me when he went out of the gates.

When people started coming out of the gates, it was hard not to spot Bien in those sea of people because he was very eye-catching in his pair of denim shirt under a black leather coat and a black ripped jeans, he had a mask, a shade and a cap for his disguise. Itim na duffel bag lang ang dala niya na hindi naman ganoon kalakihan.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko para magpigil ng ngiti nang makita kong agad niyang pinasadahan ng tingin ang karamihan ng mga taong nasa departure area habang tila modelo sa runway na naglalakad. Kahit naka-disguise siya, agaw-pansin pa rin siya lalo na at sobrang guwapo niya. I refused to raise my hand to catch his attention because I was still having fun watching him…

Hindi na ako magtataka kung may lalapit sa kaniya at itatanong kung nawawala ba siya.

Nang mabigo siyang mahanap ako dahil hindi na umabot sa kinaroroonan ko ang mga mata niya ay tumigil siya sa paglalakad at dumukot sa bulsa niya. It was his phone. Bago pa man niya ako tawagan ay naglakad na ako palapit sa karamihan ng mga tao saka ko ikinaway ang isang kamay ko para kunin ang atensiyon niya.

Hindi ko siya puwedeng tawagin dahil baka may makakilala sa kaniya rito.

Raising his head as his phone was on his ear, finally he saw me. Hindi ko nakikita ang mga mata niya pero dahil sa obvious na pagkakabinat ng mga pisngi niya ay alam kong nakita na niya ako. He was smiling behind his mask. He put his phone back in his pocket and walked towards me, still unaware how he just made the airport as his personal runway.

“Hi,” nakangiti niyang bati sa akin, tuwid na nakatayo sa harap ko.

It suddenly felt like he was not real, like he was going to disappear when I would try to touch him. Nanatili akong nakatayo sa kabilang bahagi ng bakal na naghaharang sa aming dalawa habang mataman akong nakatitig sa mukha niyang ilang buwan ko ring hindi nakita ng ganito kalapit.

Before, it was taking several months before we saw each other again but I didn’t feel like this. It didn’t feel surreal like this… maybe because things had changed already.

“Hi,” bati ko pabalik, sinusuklian ang ngiting nakapaskil sa mga labi niya. I had to raise a gaze at him because he was tall. Nakakatakot din siyang hawakan… kasi pakiramdam ko, napakarumi ko kumpara sa kaniya. It felt like I would stain him if my skin would graze against him, if I would hold him or touch him.

He was so pure and lovable I didn't know why I had done such thing to him.

“I missed you…” His voice was muffled against his mask but what he said was sent to me very clearly.

Tumango-tango ako sa kaniya para ipakitang naiintindihan ko saka ko siya sinenyasan na lumabas na sa harang na siyang boundary ng mga sundo. “We should get you in the car so you can sleep, Bien. We’ll talk later, hm…”

Walking to the car, I tried to create a decent distance from him but his hand was quick to hold my hand and lightly pull me by his side. Hindi niya alam kung paanong mas pinasakit niya ang dibdib ko nang yumuko siya sa akin para patakan ng marahang halik ang noo ko kasabay nang mas paghigpit ng kamay niyang hawak ang kamay ko.

“I said I missed you.”  Ngumuso siya.

Nevertheless, he still had the power to somehow lighten up what I was feeling.

“I missed you too.” Hinayaan ko nang isiksik niya ako sa katawan niya at umangat na sa balikat ko ang braso niya habang nagpapatuloy kami sa paglalakad papuntang sasakyan.

He was obviously tired so I understood when he just slept during the ride while I drove. Nag-volunteer pa nga siya na mag-drive pero hindi ko pinayagan. Gusto ko sana munang kumain kami pero ayaw ko siyang magising kaya nagpatuloy lang ako sa pag-da-drive hanggang sa makarating kami sa Ursula Mansion. Hindi ko na muna siya ginising.

Watching him soundly asleep, my heart once again ached for him. It tore for him…

Masasaktan ko siya, pero ipinapangako kong iyon na ang huling pagkakataong masasaktan ko siya. He didn’t deserve it, but the inevitability was already there so I would just promise him that it would be the last. I would try to love him the way he loved me. Magiging masaya naman kami dahil alam ko, hindi niya ako sasaktan, hindi niya kami sasaktan ni Eve.

“Bien…” I softly called him as I gently tapped his cheek. “Bien, we’re here.”

Agad din naman siyang nagising. I pitied him when I saw his eyes red from the lack of sleep. Matapos naming mag-usap kagabi ay agad na siyang naghanda para makapag-book agad ng flight. Hindi na siya nakapagpahinga talaga. Hindi naman ganoon kahabaan ang biyahe sa eroplano kaya panigurado, kailangan niya pa ng mahaba-habang tulog.

“It’s still early. Eve may be awake already but you can tuck yourself in our bed. You still need more sleep, Bien.” Hinaplos ko pataas ang buhok niyang nakawala na sa cap niya saka siya tipid na nginitian. Ako na rin ang nag-alis ng seatbelt niya

“This is your house?” tanong niya sa garalgal na boses, nakatingin sa labas ng bintana kung nasaan ang mansiyon.

“Yes. Everyone may also be awake already since it’s near the breakfast time. They may also want to meet you but I want that postponed for you to get some rest.” Backing away from him, I opened the door by my side and went out. Hindi pa man ako nakakalapit sa pinto ng passenger’s seat kung nasaan siya ay bumukas na iyon saka siya lumabas.

Maaga pa kaya iyong dalawang guards na nasa main door pa lang ang nakikita ko. Pumasok kami sa bahay at nagpasalamat naman akong walang tao sa living room, hindi ko alam kung nasa dining area na ba sila dahil nasa loob na bahagi pa iyon ng mansiyon.

“Also later, I’ll have you tour around the house, or maybe Eve may even take the privilege to do that. She misses you,” sabi ko nang mapansin kong pinapasadahan niya ng tingin ang kabuuan ng bahay.

Nang binalingan niya ako ay nawawala na ang mga mata niya sa pagkakngiti. “Ah, where is that kid? I miss her too.”

Pagdating sa kuwaro ay naabutan naming mag-isa sa kama si Eve na mahimbing pa ring natutulog, iba na ang posisyon niya sa kama dahil pa-slant na ang higa niya, nagkalat ang mga unan sa paligid niya at nalalaglag ang dulong parte ng bedsheet sa gilid ng kama. Sa banyo ay ang lagaslas ng tubig kaya naisip kong baka nasa loob si Jessie at naliligo.

Pinanood ko nang mabilis na nilapitan ni Bien ang kama saka nakapameywang na tumayo sa gilid. A smile was plastered on his lips, as if very amused of what he was seeing. Kapag nagising ang batang iyan, hindi na makakatulog si Bien.

“Get in the bed silently, Bien. Don’t wake her up if you still want your rest,” natatawang sabi ko bago ako lumapit sa pinto ng banyo at kumatok. Sumagot naman kaagad si Jessie, tinanong niya lang kung si Eve ba ang kumakatok. “Jessie, dumating na kami ni Bien. Sa loob ng banyo ka na magbihis,” sagot ko sa kaniya.

Nang muli kong binalingan sina Bien at Eve ay napangiti ako nang makita kong pareho na silang nakapikit habang magkayakap.

Sure, Bien knew too well how to handle a sleeping Eve because he was there when she was growing up, he knew how to handle her at her worst, he knew how to pamper her when she was upset and he knew how to handle her whole because he had been there with Eve ever since.

Longer than I had ever been.