Seen

I had seen my future lie with yours,
vivid and picturesque.
I had seen both of our smiles,
happy and beautiful.
I had seen a lot from ahead of us,
but I failed to see the time
you chose to leave
and break me.

♠♠♠

Chapter Thirty-one

What happened between Jimin and I last night wasn’t something I could easily just set aside to somewhere my mind and not let every fragment of it affect me because as I sat on the passenger’s seat of the usual white car they had used before, the unsettling butterflies in my stomach and stubborn cheers of my heart were all adding up to the fear and worry I was feeling for my daughter.

Wala sa timing ang pagsasaya ng puso ko dahil nasa emergency room na naman ang anak ko, ni hindi ko alam kung okay lang ba siya o kung anong dahilan kung bakit siya naroon. I could only pray to God that she was fine and that nothing worst had happened to her. Hindi ko rin mapigilang sisihin ang sarili ko dahil wala ako sa tabi niya, kung sana nandoon ako ay nabanatayan ko sana siya.

Please, let my daughter be safe…

From nervously fidgeting with each other, my hands on top of my lap froze when I felt a soft and warm touch embrace them. Mariin akong pumikit at nang idilat ko ang mga mata ko ay nahulog ang mga ito sa mga kamay ko, ang isa ay hawak na ni Jimin.

From the way his hand groped my hand tightly, it was like he was making me feel that nothing bad was going to happen and that I just had to believe that our daughter would be fine. I would honestly admit that his hold somehow managed to ease up my worried self but my mind was again solid, reminding me of my principle.

I had committed a mistake again, with him, and I didn’t plan to keep on doing it again, and again. I didn’t want to pamper my heart because getting hurt and loving the wrong man were where its best at.

Dahan-dahan kong binawi mula sa hawak niya ang kamay ko saka marahang hinawi paalis sa kandungan ko ang kamay niya. Sighing deeply, I willed my eyes to look at his small ones. It wasn’t easy, when all I could see was my daughter’s pair of small and beautiful chunky eyes… filled with pain and disappointment.

“P-Please, don’t touch me again…” I pleaded with my low and soft voice, sobs were threatening from the back of my throat. Kung hindi lang ako nilukob ng sobrang pag-aalala kanina, hinding-hindi niya ako mapapapayag na sumakay rito sa kotse niya, hinding-hindi ako sasama sa kaniya pero kasi iyong presensiya niya kanina? It cradled my frightened and nervous heart that when I saw him, it seriously felt like my daughter was indeed going to be fine.

“Hanselle, w-what happened last—“

“And please. Just please, our daughter’s who’s more important now. I don’t want to think or talk about anything now other than my daughter… my daughter a-alone, Jimin.” I hardly bit my lower lip when his eyes once again showed pain but I quickly turned my eyes away from him, refusing to acknowledge his pain because it would only hurt me more. It would only add up to all the worries my heart had been carrying, I seriously wanted a break from him.

I wasn’t still very situated about the fact that I was vulnerable for him last night, I wasn’t fine about it! I felt guilty! I felt so… so guilty.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa pakikiharapan si Bien, hindi ko alam kung may mukha pa ba akong ma-ihaharap sa kaniya matapos ng mga ginawa ko, matapos kong pikit-matang kalimutan ang lahat kagabi para lang sa kagustuhan ng puso ko.

I didn’t want to hurt him but I knew, I knew that after last night, it would be inevitable. Masasaktan ko siya…

Tahimik akong nagpasalamat nang mamayani ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin ni Jimin buong biyahe pabalik ng Valenzuela, dumagdag pang maluwag ang daan dahil maaga pa at wala pa masyadong mga sasakyang bumabiyahe. It was still seven in the morning, and I had been thinking why Eve would wake up this early? Eight am ang usual niyang gising.

Hindi na rin muli pang tumawag si Kuya Haynes pero ang ilang mga mensahe ni Chelsea ang nagpanatag sa akin kahit papaano.

From Chelsea:
dont get really fussed up about Eve, Hanselle

she's fine, your brother’s just worried for the both of u

U didnt get home last night

so he thought smthng might have happened to u

Tho you need to get here quick

bcoz no one of us here can calm your daughter down

she’s been crying she makes all of us worried here

Sumakit ang dibdib ko dahil sa huling text ni Chelsea, hindi ko mapigilang isipin ang umiiyak na mukha ng anak ko. She might be hurt somewhere that was why she was crying, normally, with Kuya Haynes around there, she was easy to handle. Si Kuya Haynes at Bien lang naman kasi talaga ang nakakapagpatahan sa kaniya kaya naisip kung baka may iba siyang nararamdaman kaya hindi siya mapatahan ni Kuya.

Evah had also been leaving me messages. She knew I was with Jimin. Siguro ay nabanggit ni Jimin sa mga kaibigan niya tapos sinabi naman ni Namjoon kay Evah.

From Evah:
she’s fine, Hanselle

you’re with Jimin, I know but I just want to tell you that your brother’s very furious

I dont think it'd be nice to bring Jimin along with u here

Bahagya kong nilingon si Jimin na seryosong nagmamaneho matapos kong ibaba ang phone ko at hinayaang nasa ibabaw ng kandungan ko.

Magiging unfair ba ako sa kaniya kung hihingiin kong huwag na siyang sumama? Sure, my brother was serious with his disgust and hatred towards the father of my child, even dragged with it the whole BTS but was it really a valid reason not to let Jimin see his daughter? Si Eve na nga lang ang kaya kong ibigay sa kaniya, ipagkakait ko pa ba?

With that, I fell into a very difficult decision, Kuya might be mad but Jimin had all the rights to see Eve.

Kahit ito na lang…

Kaya nang huminto ang sasakyan ni Jimin sa parking lot ng hospital na sinabi ni Chelsea sa text kung nasaan si Eve ay hinayaan ko si Jimin nang lumabas din siya ng sasakyan. Holding my shoulder bag tightly with both of my hands in front of my stomach, I gave him a sad look while sighing deeply.

The setup, our setup was killing me that I wanted to suddenly flip back the pages of our story and make a different turns or write another sequel so we could have another chance to fix everything. Sana nalaman ko na noon ang totoong dahilan kung bakit niya ako iniwan, sana noon pa lang naliwanagan na ako sa lahat para hindi na ganito kasakit ngayon.

If we only had our closure back then, everything would have been easy and fine now.

He was already wearing a mask and a cap, like usual. His sad eyes that matched mine were very dragging so I quickly looked away after giving him a slight nod, giving him a signal to follow me. Sa lobby ng ospital ay may ilang mga kanto pero dahil may mga signage naman ay madali naming nahanap ang patungo sa emergency room.

People, both patients and experts were around the lobby, all too caught up with their own tracks as I was caught up with the fast beating of my heart. Nakakatakot na makita si Kuya na magalit kaya hinahanda ko na ang sarili ko para sa pagkikita nila ni Jimin. Hindi ko makakalimutan kung paanong paulit-ulit na sinabi ni Kuya sa akin na kailanman, hindi niya gugustuhing makita ang Daddy ni Eve, o kahit na sino sa mga kagrupo ni Jimin.

Kay Kuya pa lang, kung pipiliin kong bigyan ng pagkakataon ang sa amin ni Jimin, kay Kuya pa lang talong-talo na kami. He would probably never liked Jimin.

Aside from I could feel Jimin's presence behind me, following me silently, his calm footsteps were corresponding to my heartbeats. Jimin would have to be in my daughter’s life now, so in time, if not now, magkikita at magkikita pa rin naman silang dalawa.

It was just a matter of when or how…

Hindi na kami dumaan ng nurse’s station dahil sa labas pa lang ng double glass doors ng emergency room ay namataan ko na ang kamang kinaroroonan ng anak ko. My feet were fast when I jog-ran to cut my distance from her, my heart immediately ached when I saw her tear-stained face and my mind seriously forgot that I was with someone, who was not welcomed for one person.

Ni hindi ko na napansin kung sino-sino ang mga taong nakapalibot kay Eve sa kamang iyon dahil sa kaniya lang naka-sentro ang mga mata ko. Sa kung paanong napakaliit niya sa ibabaw ng kama.

“Eve!” Nang marating ko ang kama kung nasaan ang maliit niyang pigura ay mabilis akong naupo sa gilid at dinaluhan siya. My hands instantly cradled her small face as tears immediately wet my cheeks. “W-What happened, mahal ko? Huh? Where are you hurt? Tell Mommy…”

Nang mahanap ng mga mata niya ang mga mata ko ay mas sumakit lang ang dibdib ko dahil sa pagdaloy ng mga panibagong luha mula sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko alam kung na-trigger lang ba ng presensiya ko ang pag-iyak niya dahil nanginginig ang mga labi niya saka malakas na umiyak.

She used her arms to wipe her face, and that was when I saw a gauze wrap around her small white arm. Imitating how her lips quivered, my lips shook hard. Dahan-dahan kong hinawakan ang braso niyang may gasa, iyon din iyong braso niyang konektado sa IV fluid tube na nakasaksak sa pulupulsuhan niya.

“It hurts, Mommy! I don’t want this!” Umiiyak niyang itinuro gamit ang isang kamay niya ang pulupulsuhan niya saka muling ginamit para punasan ang pisngi niya.

Tumango-tango ako para ipakita sa kaniyang naiintindihan ko saka ako lumingon sa mga taong nasa likod ko. The first figure that my eyes caught was my brother’s tall and very intimidating height in his perfect three-piece suit, the coldness through his eyes told me that he was mad and that I was not having any of his ears for my explanation.

I knew him so much, I knew when he was done. Alam ko rin na hindi niya ako kakausapin kaya ang katabi na lang niyang si Chelsea ang binalingan ko. Nahuli ko muna siyang nakatitig kay Jimin na nasa tabi na ni Evah bago niya mahanap ang mga mata ko. Bumuntong-hininga siya saka naglakad palapit sa amin ni Eve.

From behind him, I saw how Kuya Haynes threw an angry glare towards Jimin’s way, his jaw even clenched I was afraid he would do something physical but he just remained standing at his ground. Lihim akong nagpasalamat doon. Nagpapasalamat din akong marunong lumugar si Jimin, at nanatili siyang tahimik sa tabi ni Evah.

Si Jessie ay nasa kabilang gilid ng kama, pula ang mga mata at pinid ang mga labi. Panigurado, sinisisi na naman niya ang sarili niya sa nangyari kay Eve.

The atmosphere was too heavy itself, and Eve’s cries were just adding to it. Hindi pa nakatulong na hindi rin ako mapalagay para sa safety ng identity ni Jimin dahil sa dami ng taong nasa loob ng emergency room ngayon. He was just disguised with a pair of simple cap and mask, he was so handsome that he could easily pull attention even just standing there.

I just hoped no one would recognize him here. Nandito si Eve, okay lang kung ako lang ang ma-iisyu kasama ni Jimin, pero hindi ang anak ko. I wanted her out of and away from showbiz for as much as possible.

“Chels, what happened?” I asked Chelsea, still carefully holding my daughter’s arm. Marahan ko iyong hinahaplos para mapatahan siya kahit papaano.

“The doctor said it was just a first-degree bu—“

“Mommy…” Natigilan si Chelsea sa pagsasalita at sabay naming nilingon si Eve nang mahina siyang nagsalita sa gitna ng pag-iyak. She took her small white arm down from her face as her eyes settled on a particular direction.

Hindi ko na kailangan pang lingunin kung saan iyon, o marinig ang susunod niyang sasabihin dahil alam ko na. Sa paraan pa lang ng pagkislap na naman ng mga mata niya dahil sa panibagong mga luha ay alam ko na.

She was really too soft and fragile for the men in her lives… and Jimin was now one of them.

“Jimin o-oppa. Mommy, I w-want Jimin op-oppa…” Sinabi niya iyon na para bang nanghihingi lang siya sa akin ng bagay na gustong-gusto niya.

Chelsea stepped back a bit, as if she knew that she should give way for someone. Hindi ko na siya tinutulan pa dahil hindi ko rin naman kayang ipagkait kay Eve ang mga gusto niya pero hindi si Kuya. Napatunayan ko ang galit ni Kuya nang dumagundong ang galit niyang boses.

“Eve, stop being stubborn! Uuwi na tayo so stop crying—“

“You’re bad, Tito! You let the doctors stab me with needle! I d-don’t love you a-anymore!”

Pare-pareho kaming nagulat sa sinabi ni Eve. Nahanap ng mga mata ko si Kuya na laglag ang pangang nakatitig sa batang mas lumakas pa ang iyak. Nakita ko kung paanong dumaan ang sakit sa mga mata niya bago siya bumuntong-hininga. Si Chelsea ay bumalik sa tabi niya at may kung anong ibinulong sa kaniya para malamang pakalmahin siya.

Hindi ko nagustuhan ang sinabi ni Eve kay Kuya. It wasn’t so good, I knew it was painful because I had gone through it already. Noong mga panahong wala pang paki-alam si Eve sa akin.

“Eve, you don’t say that to your Tito—“

“I… I don’t m-mean it…” Pinutol naman niya ang sinasabi ko saka siya yumuko. “I’m sorry Tito Haynes and I love you.”

Tama nga si Kuya Haynes, nakukuha palagi ni Eve ang gusto niya kaya tingin niya, ganoon kadali lang ang mga bagay-bagay at nakikita kong hindi maganda ang nagagawa sa kaniya ng pagiging spoiled. She thought so easy of everything that she thought, just because she wanted things, she would get it. Ayaw kong lumaking pasaway si Eve, ayaw kong lumaki siyang may sungay sa ulo pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya mapapalaki ng ganoong gayong hindi ko rin naman magawang tanggihan ang mga gusto niya.

Marahan kong hinaplos ang basang pisngi niya, hinawi ko rin ang ilang hibla ng kulot niyang buhok na tumatabing sa mukha niya. She was growing so fast, I was afraid I would have to go through an ordeal of letting her have decisions for herself… I couldn’t even be ready not to cradle her in my arms anymore.

“Your Tito Haynes just thought that the doctors knew what was best for you so he let them, mahal ko. This needle, you need it for your energy. Come, show me your arm again and tell me what happened,” malambing kong sabi saka ko inilahad sa kaniya ang parehong braso ko. Natuwa naman ako nang hindi na siya nagdalawang-isip pa, agad na siyang lumapit sa akin at nang mahawakan ko ang maliit niyang katawan ay binuhat ko siya papunta sa ibabaw ng kandungan ko.

She smelled so good, and felt so soft.

Hinaplos-haplos ko ang likod niya saka ko muling binalingan si Kuya. Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin nang magtama ang mga mata namin. My heart ached because of that. He had always been my ally, he always supported me with everything and I didn’t want to ruin the close relationship I had with him just because I let the man who had hurt me before into my life again.

Alam ko namang ayaw niya lang akong masaktan ulit, ayaw niya lang din masaktan si Eve pero alam ko rin namang hindi niya kayang tanggihan ang bata. I knew it was taking him more courage to refuse Eve, all for what he thought was right.

And Jimin wouldn’t ever be right for him.

“Tsk, mag-ina nga…” His voice wasn’t very loud as he whispered that but it was still audible to my ears. Hindi na siya nagpaalam nang tumalikod siya at umalis. Sumunod din naman kaagad si Chelsea sa kaniya na nagawa pa akong sinyesan na siya na ang bahala kay Kuya.

Saka ko na lang siya kakausapin kapag hindi na mainit ang ulo niya. Alam kong hindi niya rin ako matitiis.

I carefully held my daughter on top of my lap as I felt her slowly scoot her little body to mine, her small hands gently reached for my face so I silently gave in, letting her pull my head down. Nang ma-ilapit ko na sa kaniya ang mukha ko ay inilapit naman niya sa kanang tainga ko ang bibig niya.

“Mommy, I’m shy to yaya Jessie. She told me not to touch things in the kitchen while she cooked me nuggets but I got c-curious with the color of her milk. It was color brown so I thought I’d try it and then it was h-hot so I spilled her milk on my arm… Mommy, it h-hurt but yaya Jessie was mad and then Tito… Tito H-Haynes got mad at her too, I wanna say sorry but I’m shy…” She tried to whisper me that in between sobs but her high-pitched voice failed her though she sounded so innocent.

Everyone must have heard her, seeing how Evah suppressed a smile from her lips. Jimin remained staring so softly at her, I could see how he wanted to get near the kid.

Sobrang lambot ng pagkakahawak ng mga kamay ni Eve sa mga pisngi ko at wala siyang ideya kung paanong sobrang gaan ng loob ko dahil nagiging malapit na siya sa akin. She was already telling me things from within her mind that she didn’t naturally tell me.

From behind us, I heard sniffles and I couldn’t help but smile a bit thinking that Jessie might be feeling worried as much as me. Masuwerte nga ako sa kaniya kasi sobra pa sa pagiging babysitter lang ni Eve ang tingin niya sa bata, alam ko namang napamahal na siya kay Eve at hindi ko rin naman puwedeng isisi sa kaniya ang kakulitan ni Eve.

The kid was curious, she got hurt because she wanted to know things and ease up her thirst for knowledge. It was natural and normal. About Kuya, panigurado nag-alala lang siya kay Eve. He was really strict so maybe, he just didn’t like how Eve got hurt under Jessie’s watch.

“Can you tell yaya Jessie that I’m sorry for being a bad girl, Mommy?” Nang ilayo niya sa akin ang mukha niya ay sinilip muna niya si Jessie na nasa likod ko pa rin saka niya nilingon naman ang kinaroroonan nila Evah at Jimin.

The idol had been watching us. Alam talaga niya kung kailan siya mananahimik at kung kailan siya magsasalita. Baka kapag nagsalita siya kaninang nandito pa si Kuya, baka hindi na nakapagtimpi ang huli at may magawang hindi maganda.

I knew my brother, he wouldn’t think twice to get physical if he was mad.

“Jimin oppa, did you come h-here for me? Did you know that I’m h-hurt?” she asked her father, her hands were clutching on my clothes. Kung hindi lang siguro dahil sa IV fluid tube na nakakabit sa pulupulsuhan niya ay baka bumaba na siya mula sa kandungan ko maging sa kama para lang lapitan ang Daddy niya.

Sometimes I couldn’t help but think why she easily got so attached with people who could stand a father figure in her life. She didn’t tell me that she wanted a father, that she needed a father but I thought, maybe the reason why she liked Kuya Haynes, Bien and Jimin so much because they were like a father to her.

Si Jimin na hindi pa naman talaga niya lubusang kilala ay mabilis niyang nakagaanan ng loob dahil ibinibigay ni Jimin iyong mga bagay na hindi nito naibigay noon sa bata, love and attention. Both Bien and Kuya Haynes had always been beside her, giving her the love of a father she was deprived from that was why she liked them too so much.

Hindi man niya sabihin, alam kong kailangan niya ng Daddy.

Nang magsalubong ang mga mata namin ni Jimin ay nakita ko ang pagtatanong sa mga mata niya. He wanted to see if it was fine for me so I slowly nodded my head and quickly looked away. From the corners of my eyes, I saw him quickly walk towards our direction. Na-upo siya sa tabi ko sa gilid ng kama at nang maramdaman ko ang paggalaw ni Eve ay nahulaan ko nang gusto niyang pumunta sa Daddy niya kaya hinayaan ko siya.

I just moved a little to give them space and time. Looking over at Evah, her small yet happy smile somehow told me that I was doing the right thing.

“Show me your arm, love…” Narinig ko ang malambing na boses ni Jimin habang kinakausap si Eve. His voice was so pampering, I couldn’t help but remind myself how he pampered me before when I had got my hand burnt.

He said kisses could help heal the wound.

“I don’t wanna be a bad girl anymore, Jimin oppa. It hurts so much when I spilled the hot milk on my skin, I cried so much and then this hurts too…” Itinuro ni Eve kay Jimin ang pulupuluhan niyang may IV fluid tube kaya umangat ang tingin ko sa boteng hindi pa nangangalahati ang laman.

I didn’t know if she was advised to take all the contents in. Naaawa na ako sa kaniya, ang liit-liit lang ng wrist niya. Hindi rin panigurado magiging maganda para sa kaniya oras na alisin na iyon. I hated needles, I knew how painful they were when pricked on the skin so I understood her.

Marahang hinaplos ni Jimin ang likod ni Eve habang nagsasalita ang bata. The way she was carefully placed on top of Jimin’s lap, it seemed like she was the only perfect measurement of her father’s embrace. It was me before, but I wouldn’t mind giving her the throne because she deserved it more.

She was her father’s queen. She would be. She should be.

“You’re not a bad girl, Chan-ah. And no one’s mad at you, okay?” sagot ni Jimin.

“Yaya Jessie is not mad at me?” inosenteng tanong ni Eve kaya sabay-sabay ring dumako kay Jessie na tahimik pa rin ang mga tingin namin.

The young babysitter instantly shook her head, looking so softly at Jimin and Eve. “Hindi ako galit, Chan. Nag-alala lang kasi ako sa’yo,” she answered softly.

Malapad na napangiti si Eve dahil doon saka naggagalaw sa kandungan ni Jimin pero natigilan din siya dahil bahagyang nahila niya ang IV fluid tube niya. Her face immediately crinkled before her eyes watered again and her lips quivered. Bago pa siya tuluyan umiyak ay niyakap na siya ni Jimin habang dahan-dahang isini-sway.

“We’ll get that take off, okay?” The idol softly told the kid. “But I’ll kiss it first so it will heal fast.”

Ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko ay mas dumoble pa nang makita kong dahan-dahang dinala ni Jimin ang braso ni Eve sa mga labi niya at tig-isang binigyan ng halik ang pulupulsuhan niya at ang gasa sa braso niya.

The kid hyped up again, kissing Jimin on the lips.

Pareho silang natawa pagkatapos. That… that shortly opened a door to the beautiful reality I had somewhere my mind but I was afraid to step in, because… because I didn’t want to hurt someone.

Si Evah na ang tumawag ng nurse para ma-ipatanggal na ang IV fluid needle ni Eve. Tulad ng inaasahan, halos madurog ang puso ko dahil sa lakas ng iyak ni Eve habang tinatanggal ang needle mula sa pulupulsuhan niya. Jimin was holding her safely in his arms while the kid was trying to push the nurse away from her. Paulit-ulit din siyang binubulungan ng Daddy niya na siyang nagpapakalma sa kaniya kahit papaano.

Nang matanggal ay mabilis na yumakap si Eve kay Jimin, basa ang mga pisngi niya habang tuloy pa rin ang mahihinang iyak niya. Her father pampered her again, kissing her head nonstop and still whispering her something.

Habang kausap ko ang doctor na siya ring naka-usap nina Evah at Kuya Haynes kanina ay nakatanggap ako ng message mula kay Chelsea. She said they already went home since Kuya Haynes wasn’t still in a good mood, mainit pa rin daw ang ulo nito at hindi maganda kung babalik pa sila. The doctor had explained to us the condition of Eve’s burnt.

It was a first-degree burn. Anang doctor ay hindi naman daw iyon gaanong malala pero dahil bata si Eve at may mas sensitive na balat ay kailangan niyang inumin iyong mga gamot na pinrescribe para sa kaniya, those were drops, may mga ointments din para hindi magkapeklat ang balat niya. Nabayaran na rin ni Kuya ang bill kaya hindi na ako nagbayad, though sinubukan ni Jimin na bayaran iyon.

Sa sasakyan ay kami ni Eve ang nasa passenger’s seat, nakayakap pareho sa amin ang seatbelt habang nakasandal siya sa akin samantalang sina Evah at Jessie ang nasa backseat. Siguro sa sobrang inis ni Kuya Haynes kanina ay hindi na niya naisip na kakailanganin naming sumabay kay Jimin pauwi. Anila Evah ay ang van daw ang sinakyan nila patungo sa ospital kanina.

Sa daan ay tila si Jimin at Eve lang ang magkasama dahil sila lang ang nag-uusap. Mabuti na iyon kaysa magturo na naman siya ng kung anu-anong nadadaanan namin. Paharap ang pagkakasandal ni Eve sa akin kaya sa tuwing nililingon siya ni Jimin ay hindi rin maiwasang magkasalubong ang mga mata namin ng Daddy niya pero mabilis din akong nag-iiwas ng tingin. Kalagitnaan ng biyahe ay nakatulog din naman siya dahil siguro sa pagod.

Smiling widely at her cuteness, I couldn't help but drop a soft tender kiss on her cute gaped lips as hot breaths from her small mouth tickled my lips.

She was the only beautiful reality that mattered for me.