Chapter Thirty

♪ Soundtrack: Yours Tonight by Shadowkey ♪

Nanghina ang mga tuhod ko na naging dahilan ng pagtumba ko mismo sa kaniya. My hands that were on his shoulders fell lifeless and my eyes that were wide open shut closed as I felt his pair of strong arms instantly wrapping around my waist to keep me from falling.

He let his hard and strong body support my weight, his lips were unstoppable as they were desperate to make my lips kiss back. Hindi pa siya nakuntento dahil itinulak niya ako pa-upo sa kama, madali lang niya iyong nagawa dahil sa panghihina ng mga tuhod ko. He just seriously ignored my tears, too blinded by his assault to my fragility.

It was him who had left me, it was him who had chosen the life without me so I couldn’t understand why he was back, wanting me in his life again. Ni hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagagawa niya pang gawin ang mga ganito sa akin gayong sobra niya akong sinaktan noon. I couldn’t bring myself to understand how he pampered his heart so much that he chose not to see my heart, how it was wounded and scarred because of him.

Humikbi ako sa gitna ng mga halik niya nang mas naging mapangahas siya. From making me sit on the edge of his bed, I felt him slowly push me to lie down, his lips not letting me even breathe. Bumagal ang paggalaw ng mga labi niya dahil sa ginawa ko pero hindi siya tumigil, sumampa siya sa kama nang tuluyan na niya akong ma-ihiga.

I was sure he wouldn’t force me to do something I didn’t want to do, I was sure he wouldn’t let his unstable emotion drive him into committing something I surely would hate him for.

I was sure, but not guaranteed enough to trust him.

Buong lakas ko siyang tinulak sa dibdib saka tinagilid ang ulo ko para hindi na niya ako mahalikan. Nagtagumpay ako pero nasa ibabaw ko pa rin siya. I didn’t even want to face him and look at his face because I was afraid to see how his emotions were dripping through his eyes, I was afraid to see how I was hurting him because I knew, my heart wouldn’t take that.

It could take the pain, it could take the wounds but not Jimin’s pain. Not his pain…

Nakadilat ako pero dahil madilim ang paligid ay wala akong makita, bahagyang nakaka-aninag ang mga mata ko pero siya lang yata ang naaaninag ko dahil sobrang lapit niya sa akin.

“Don’t d-do this, p-please…” My soft and low voice came out hoarse and pained. Damang-dama ko ang katawan niya sa ibabaw ko dahil sa bigat niyang nakadagan sa akin.

I couldn’t also deny the romantic and beautiful nostalgia brought by our closeness now to my heart. Nagsasaya ang puso ko, sobrang tagal na simula nang maging ganito kami kalapit muli sa isa’t isa. Noong iniwan niya ako, walang araw na hindi ko inisip kung magkakaroon pa ba ako ng pagkakataong muling maramdaman ang mga yakap at halik niya.

His hugs and his kisses, those were like luxuries I had come to get used to and then suddenly, they got taken away from me so it was hard, it was hard to get myself used to without those.

“Then stop making this hard f-for me, p-please.” Pinantayan ng boses niya iyong sakit at lungkot sa boses ko.

I still refused to look up at him. The greatest mistake I did back then was I still had looked up at him after he had left me. I had trusted him so much that I had hoped he would come back to me, he had continuously failed me and that I learned my lesson.

“No, stop m-making this hard for the two o-of us, Jimin,” mariin kong sabi habang kagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko dahil sa mga hikbing gusto na naman kumawala. “You don’t have any i-idea how you’ve broken me before, you don’t have a-any idea how hard it was for me before, you just don’t have any idea how hard it was to attend your broadcasts, even f-fan meetings with my big tummy only to be t-tossed away by big men because the-they wouldn’t allow me to s-see you. Jimin, you d-don’t have any idea…”

Breaking down, finally letting myself be fully vulnerable in front of him, I told him half of what I had gone through before in hopes of getting him back for my daughter as I raised my arms to cover my tearing eyes. Hinayaan ko na rin ang mga hikbing kanina lang ay nagbabanta sa lalamunan ko habang unti-unting bumabalik sa akin ang lahat ng mga nangyari noon.

“You suddenly became too high f-for me. I had your d-daughter within me but I w-was treated so badly, they thought I w-was some kind of a c-crazy fan. I b-bet, your staffs will recognize me if they see me a-again…” Umiyak ako nang umiyak sa ilalim niya.

He wanted this. Ayaw ko na sanang balikan pa ang mga iyon dahil sobrang sakit ng mga ala-alang iyon para sa akin pero kung iyon lang ang paraan para tigilan na niya ako, sige, ilalahad ko sa kaniya ang bawat detalye kung paanong dumanas ako ng hirap noon sa paghahabol sa kaniya.

”You didn’t have a cho-choice, I know that now, but Jimin, that doesn’t m-make up for all the hardships I had gone through through. You c-can’t also tell me that you didn’t like everything be-because it summed up your d-dreams. At least it m-made you happy…”

Hindi ko alam kung anong iniisip niya o kung anong reaksiyon niya sa mga sinasabi ko dahil nanatiling nasa mukha ko ang mga braso ko, patuloy pa rin ang daloy ng mga luha ko at ang mga hikbi ko. I never knew I would ever have a chance to tell him what he had done to me after he had left me. I thought I would have to bury it within my heart, untouched so it wouldn’t hurt me anymore.

“Also, not be-because we have a daughter, you can j-just go back to my life like nothing hap-happened. I… I d-don’t want you in my l-life again, so please, stop p-pushing what you want—“

“I didn’t leave you for my dreams, I left you because that was the only way to… to s-save you.”

Pareho kaming natigilan sa sinabi niyang iyon. Unti-unti kong ibinaba ang mga braso ko para makita ko siya sa kabila ng dilim. Mas sumakit lang ang puso ko nang makita ko ang sakit sa mga nanunubig niyang mga mata, naka-awang ang mga labi niya at tila pagod na pagod na.

His eyebrows furrowed before I felt his hot palm softly yet hesitantly caress my face, it made me flinch. Gusto kong ibaling sa ibang direksiyon ang mukha ko para hindi niya ako mahawakan pero hindi ako pinayagan ng puso ko.

Masyado itong tanga para sa lalaking nasa ibabaw ko.

“I would have destroyed y-your life back then, even our d-daughter’s life if I didn’t choose what they wanted me t-to do. I had to leave you, I had to choose leaving you because if I didn’t, they wouldn’t l-let you be alone. They had pictures of u-us, lots of it, that if revealed in p-public, you would be ruined.” My heart ached even more when a lone tear flowed out of his eyes and pathetically streamed down his cheeks, it painfully landed on my lower lip. “If only I was just lent of so many choices, I would seriously choose not to hurt you, I loved you so much that it killed me knowing I couldn’t see you anymore. I didn’t choose my d-dreams, H-Hanselle, I just chose the easy w-way for you even if it m-meant I had to endure a pretend relationship with someone I don’t like. Because I loved you so much…”

His tears then represented the most beautiful waterfall as it poured on me, my face being the river because my tears on my face represented streams.

We were seriously played by fate, pretty good.

Hindi ko alam kung anong i-ri-react ko, ni hindi ko pa nga lubusang napoproseso sa utak ko ang bigat ng mga sinabi ni Sally sa akin kanina, kailangan ko pa ng oras para roon tapos malalaman ko pa na may mas mabigat pa lang katotohanan mula kay Jimin.

It was just as if I had turned a climax part of a book with unending and unexpected twists, it was twirling my mind.

I just stared at his tear-stained face, prettily reminding me of our daughter’s face when she was crying. He looked so hurt and devastated, I could see myself in him back then. We were both hurt before, we both had gone through miseries and had been devastated so why choose to be together if we were just hurting each other?

Wala sa amin ang umiimik kahit nang humupa na ang iyak niya. We had been crying, baka ma-dehydrate na kami nito pareho. Nanatili siya sa ibabaw ko habang pinagmamasdan namin ang isa’t isa.

Kung ibinigay sa amin ang gabing ito para sa closure namin pareho, siguro naman puwede naming hiramin ang gabing ito para muling iparamdam sa isa’t isa ang pagmamahal namin.

For the last time…

I bit my lower lip, gulping so hard as I watched him slowly blink his eyes that followed the movement of my lips. Still, God is good for making this one fine man to be the father of my daughter. Kung hindi man kami sa huli, at least masuwerte na akong may anak siya sa akin.

Who wouldn’t want to have a child with Park Jimin? It was every girl’s dream.

Holding my breath, I patiently waited until he dipped his head down to my face, once again claiming my lips for a soft kiss. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko saka marahang ibinuka ang mga labi ko para iparamdam sa kaniya ang pagpayag ko, ang mga kamay ko ay kusang umangat para hawakan ang mga pisngi niya habang damang-dama ko—namin pareho ang malakas na pagtibok sa pagitan ng mga dibdib namin.

It might be our hearts, once again doing the synchronization of beating loudly and constantly screaming each other's name.

He kissed me like he was making me feel how he still loved me even after everything as I kissed him back, making him feel how I still felt the same for him too. Sa mga oras na iyon, wala munang nakaraan, walang ibang mga taong involved, kaming dalawa lang. Panandalian kong kinalimutan ang lahat dahil mas nangingibabaw ang kagustuhan ng puso ko.

I still loved him so much, though it hurt.

We were both fast and very eager as clothes layer by layer were thrown somewhere the room, probably scattered messily on the floor. We were too in love and too desperate as we both watched our bodies slowly move as one, moulded together, him, after five long years, once again inside me, and made me feel very full… like the woman I had ever been.

I was his woman, I had always been his woman.

“Jimin…” I pressed my lips together to suppress moans from coming out of my mouth, my every being was feeling how every bit of his being was filling me, as he moved so slowly yet so sensual above me.

“I love you, I love you…” he said in between ragged breathing, too caught up with his slow pace, I knew it wasn’t easy for him.

Matagal kaming nagkahiwalay, naiintindihan ko kung gusto niyang magtagal kami pareho dahil hindi ko rin maipapangakong makakaya kong pigilan ang pagdating ko sa sukdulan kung bibilisan niya.

Hindi madali para sa amin pareho.

I was even aching when he was already inside of me, driving our tangled organs to our release. It was hard not to let my throat moan, I screamed his name for his every push and shouted my heart out to him for his every pull.

My lips parted when I gasped upon feeling the delicious pool start tightening on my stomach. Nang makita niya ang reaksiyon ko ay agad niyang inilapit sa akin ang mukha niya para halikan ako habang unti-unti nang bumibilis ang galaw niya sa ibabaw ko, sunod-sunod na rin ang mga halinghing na pinapakawalan namin sa gitna ng halik habang mas napapakapit pa ako sa balikat niya.

“Jimin… please…” My voice sounded so sweet and deep, I swore it pushed him to just move even quicker, finally sending me to my release.

Bumagsak siya sa ibabaw ko matapos kong maramdaman ang pagdating niya, nauna ako sa kaniya ng ilang segundo kaya hindi na maganda ang pakiramdam ko sa mga hita ko.

Yes, we did it. I blindly turned on everything just to feel again the love he could give me. I was a fool again for him just for the love I long lost. I cheated on myself, and let my heart reign because I wanted it, I wanted him.

My heart and myself all wanted him.

“I will do everything just to have you back, Hanselle…” The last thing I heard from him before I let my eyes fall for a sleep.

Halos hikain ako sa sobrang daming alikabok ang lumipad patungo sa akin nang tangkain kong alisin ang puting telang nakatakip sa bedside table ko sa kuwarto ko. Tumayo pa ako mula sa pagkakaluhod habang walang tigil sa pag-ubo.

I didn’t want to remind myself of the stupidity I committed last night so when I woke up in his arms earlier this morning, naked but feeling so comfortable against his heat, I immediately dressed up and left. Nagpapasalamat akong hindi siya nagising dahil ayaw kong makaharap siya pagkatapos ng mga nangyari sa amin kagabi.

It was just my emotions working, not me, not my sanity. Hindi niya rin panigurado maiintindihan kung sasabihin ko iyon sa kaniya kaya pinili kong umalis. I didn’t know what would happen to us now, I knew what we did was wrong.

May boyfriend ako, at sa mata ng mga tao, sila pa rin ni Sally kaya maling-mali talaga.

I couldn’t afford to drive back home with my sticky self so I just decided to raid my house again and have a shower. May mga natira pa akong damit dito kaya pinagtiisan ko muna ang ilan sa mga iyon kahit na pakiramdam ko, galing ako sa hukay dahil sa amoy. Pagkatapos kong maligo ay nagpa-deliver ako ng makakain ko para sa almusal. Hindi ko rin napigilang isipin habang kumakain kung gising na ba si Jimin at nag-aalmusal na rin.

Thinking about him seriously burned me, heat creeping within my system as memories of what happened last night showered my mentality, I didn’t know what he thought after what we did. Lalo na at mukhang wala talaga siyang balak tigilan ako, patunay na ang mga sinabi niya kagabi. Isa pa, nasasaktan ako para sa kaniya dahil katulad ko, kinailangan din niyang maghirap.

Inisip kong kung ako ang nasa kalagayan niya, siguro nga gagawin ko rin ang mga ginawa niya. Siguro nga pipiliin ko rin iyong choice kung saan mapo-protektahan ko siya. Hindi niya kasi sinabi sa akin, hindi ko siguro maiintindihan pero sana sinabi niya… para may nagawa ako.

Sally was right, SMT was very dirty. May mga pictures silang hawak na sisira sa akin? What could those be? Kung pinili nga naman ni Jimin na huwag akong iwan noon, at kung totoo mang ikasisira ko ang mga litratong hawak ng SMT, malamang hindi lang ako ang maaapektuhan, pati si Eve.

Muli akong lumuhod saka binuksan ang pinaka-ilalim na drawer na kadikit sa bedside table. Inilabas ko roon ang isang box na puno ng alikabok at mga agiw, halos nag-iba na ang kulay noon dahil sa dumi. Kulay itim iyon pero naging kulay gray na. Sitting down on the floor, I gently put the box down as I deeply sighed, taking so much courage to open the box that held stuff from the past.

Hindi ko rin kailanman naisip na muli kong babalikan ang box na ito. Kung gusto ko talaga ng closure, kailangan kong ibalik kay Jimin ang mga bagay na iniwan niya sa akin noon. I needed to come out clean.

Hinipan ko ang itaas na bahagi ng box para mawala ang mga alikabok na nagpa-ubo ulit sa akin. Bakit naman kasi ganito kakapal ang alikabok at agiw nito? Tinakpan ko na lang ang ilong ko habang binubuksan iyon pero hindi ko pa tuluyang nai-aalis ang takip ay narinig ko na ang pagtunog ng phone ko.

I found my bag on the floor just in front of the door of the walk-in closet. Doon ko yata naiwan iyon kanina dahil nagmamadali na akong maligo dahil lagkit na lagkit na ako sa katawan ko. Binitawan ko ang box saka tumayo para kunin ang bag ko. Hindi ako nagpaalam sa mga taong nasa bahay na hindi ako uuwi kaya hindi na ako nagulat nang makita kong si Kuya Haynes ang tumatawag. Agad kong sinagot iyon.

“Kuya—“

[“Where the hell are you, Hanselle?!”] Sinalubong ako ng galit na boses ni Kuya kaya agad akong kinabahan.

I knew I was old enough to get scolded over staying out of home the whole night but Kuya Haynes wouldn't get mad at me over that reason. Naisip ko kaagad si Eve.

“N-Nasa Manila ako, K-Kuya. Why? May nangyari b-ba?” Nag-panic na ako lalo na nang matagal bago makasagot si Kuya pero naririnig ko ang ilang boses mula sa linya niya, mukhang si Chelsea iyon na nakikipagsumabatan pa sa kaniya.

[“Get here quick, Hanselle. Your daughter’s in the emergency room. I’ll text you the hospital.”] Hindi na ako inusisa ni Kuya kung anong ginagawa ko rito kaya napagtanto ko kaagad na may hindi talaga magandang nangyari.

At nasa ospital ang anak ko!

“W-What? Kuya, bakit siya nasa—“

[“Because she takes after your stubbornness! Now get here quick!”] galit niyang putol ulit sa sinasabi ko. Narinig ko pa ang pagsaway ni Chelsea sa kaniya. [“You’re scaring her!”]

Nang matapos ang tawag ay mabilis akong lumabas ng kuwarto ko, hindi ko na rin pinasadahan ng tingin ang living room dahil dire-diretso na ako palabas ng bahay, malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko dahil sa pag-aalala para sa anak ko. Natigilan lang ako nang makita ko si Jimin na nakatayo sa labas, nakasandal sa dingding na tila ba hinihintay lang ang paglabas ko.

He sported a good disguise with his black hoodie, black mas and black cap. His head instantly turned to me. “Let’s go to our daughter,” he softly said as he raised his phone.

I assumed it was Evah who told him what Kuya Haynes had told me. Hindi na ako nagmatigas pa dahil mas mahalaga ang kalagayan ng anak ko ngayon. Tumango na lang ako at nauna nang maglakad.

Kahit na sa loob ko, pinapatay na ako ng kahihiyan at awkwardness dahil sa mga ala-ala ng mga nangyari kagabi.