Chapter Twenty-four

Intently looking at his back as he silently strode into the house still carrying our daughter, my heart painfully beat as my mind was a real sadist to dig the memories I had long ago buried so it wouldn’t hurt me anymore. Masyadong sadista ang utak ko dahil sinasaktan na naman nito iyong puso kong wala namang laban pagdating sa ganito.

Matagal na akong naka-move on, natanggap ko na noon pa sa sarili kong tapos na kami pero hindi kasama roon ang paglimot. I didn’t throw away our memories, I didn’t know how so I just had them buried deep within my mind, untouched not until he came back and showed himself to me again. Iyong paglitaw niyang muli sa buhay ko, unti-unti noong hinuhukay iyong mga ala-alang noon ko pa ibinaon.

He had an access to it because he was there.

Nanatili akong nakatayo sa labas ng unit nila, bukas ang pinto at kita ko ang kabuuan ng living room na siyang unang mapapansin pagkagaling sa pinto. He still had his back on me, unaware of the chaos and turmoil he was making my insides go through. Kakahupa ko lang sa palihim na pag-iyak kanina pero pakiramdam ko, maiiyak na naman ako.

Hindi ko ito napaghandaan. I was so confident earlier that being with him wouldn’t bother me, and that it wouldn’t affect me anymore to be with him in their house because I had moved on. Hindi ko naman inaasahang may makaka-trigger pala ng mga ala-ala namin.

The house was different, way different compared to their house in Taguig back then but the feels it suddenly brought me, it made me feel like I was unwillingly coming back to the old times, to those times where I was so happy with them in their old house. Iyong mga panahong hindi ko pa alam na may plano pala siyang iwan at saktan ako.

Also, though they had hurt me and my friends, I would honestly admit that those were happy times. Iyong mga panahong iyon, isa iyon sa mga pinakamasayang pangyayari sa buhay ko. And no, there was a reason why it had to end, why we had ended so I wouldn’t dare flip back the pages of the past only to reminisce and hurt myself again, also I didn’t plan to replay what had happened before.

Natapos iyon kasi hanggang doon na lang talaga.

We needed new people in our lives. He had needed me out of his life just so he could welcome new people, it wasn’t my choice but I had warmly welcomed new people in my life also.

Bago pa man niya ako mahuling naluluha na naman ay nagpakawala na ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga saka buong lakas na hinakbang ang mga paa ko papasok. Itinatak ko sa isipan kong maaaring hinayaan man niya akong muling makapasok sa buhay niya, kailangan kong isipin na hindi ako puwedeng mag-stay ng matagal.

I didn’t want to stay, I didn’t want to delve myself again into his life same as him into my life. We had our connecting doors in my daughter’s life, and it was enough for us not to think of crossing the boundary.

Saktong pagpihit niya paharap ay ang pagsara ng pinto sa likuran ko. His eyes immediately found my eyes. Kung may nagbago man sa kaniya, iyon ay mas lumalim ang mga titig niya. Noon ay mag-iiwas pa siya ng tingin sa tuwing makakasalubong ng mga mata niya ang mga mata ko pero ngayon ay tila hinuhukay ng mga maliliit niyang mga mata ang kailaliman ng mga mata ko.

It was like he was looking for something my eyes would show him that I wasn’t showing.

“She’s asleep,” mahinang sabi ko kahit na hindi naman siya nagtatanong.

The kid fell asleep earlier after she told me she loved me. Kung hindi lang ako natatakot na makita ni Jimin na umiiyak ay baka inagaw ko na siya sa Daddy niya at pinaliguan ng halik habang niyayakap ng mahigpit. She just didn’t know how she made me very happy earlier. It was the very first time, and it was very sudden I was sure I wouldn’t ever get over it.

He gently swayed the kid in his arms as if pampering her in her sleep as I let my eyes roam around the house.

Hindi gaanong kalakihan ang living room dahil hindi rin naman masyadong malaki ang unit. The hotel wasn’t one of the famous and exclusive hotels in Valenzuela. Mukha itong ordinary lang kumpara sa Cyanth Towers sa Taguig. Maganda naman ang interior at base sa iilang pintong nakapalibot sa living room, mukhang may iilang kuwarto rin. Sa isang gilid ay isang pathway na panigurado namang papasok ng kusina.

My heart once again wanted to get noticed as it fluttered unbelievably inside my chest with questions brewing in my mind.

I hardly bit my lower as I willed my throat to speak one question. “Where’s Namjoon?”

Gusto kong isagot niyang nasa loob lang si Namjoon ng isa sa mga pinto pero naalala kong maagang umalis si Evah kanina. Madalas na niya iyong gawin simula nang malaman kong boyfriend niya si Namjoon.

“He’s with… with you friend,” sagot ni Jimin na nagpalakas pang lalo ng nag-iingay kong puso. We were not even a meter near from each other but I was still afraid the loud beats of my heart would reach his ears.

Bakit ba kasi hindi ko man lang naalalang umalis si Evah? Malamang kasama niya si Namjoon. At ngayon kaming tatlo lang ang nandito ngayon sa bahay nila.

Crap, that didn’t sound so good!

“Would you mind if… if you hold her first while I prepare my room for her or you go while I hold her?” banayad niyang tanong nang muling tumingin ako sa kaniya saka inayos ang pagkakabuhat kay Eve.

Pinag-isipan kong mabuti ang sinabi niya. Not the part where he wanted me to choose of what to do. Naisip kong kung matutulog si Eve, ibig sabihin kailangan kong pakisamahan siya habang hinihintay naming magising ang anak namin. Wala iyon sa plano! Hindi ko naman puwedeng gisingin iyong bata. Pero hindi ko rin naman gugustuhing makasama siya!

It took me a lot of courage not to raise my hands and face my palms because of the frustration that was trying to get into me. Hindi ko alam kung pinaparusahan ba ako ng tadhana o pinapaboran na naman nito iyong paborito nitong tao. I didn’t know anymore. At sinong may sabing gusto kong pumasok ng kuwarto niya?! Fine, mas logical nga naman na hawak niya si Eve habang ina-ayos ko ang kuwarto niya dahil baka magising ang bata kapag kinuha ko siya kay Jimin. Madali pa man din maalimpungatan si Eve.

Sighing in defeat, I just turned my head to look for the doors of the possible bedrooms. “Wh-Where’s your… your room?” I hated how my low voice sounded so defeated.

Maaga pa naman. Baka puwede ko munang samahan si Eve sa kuwarto ng Daddy niya habang natutulog siya. Kahit na mabigat sa loob ko ang ideyang mananatili ako sa loob ng kuwarto ni Jimin, mas maganda naman iyon kaysa ang manatili kasama niya sa living room. Hindi iyon magandang ideya lalo na at bumabalik sa isipan ko ang lahat ng mga nangyari noon.

Matagal muna niya akong tinitigan kaya pinangunutan ko siya ng noo, ang mga kilay ko ay agad na nagsalubong na nagpatalon sa kaniya. Ginaya niya ang pagbubuntong-hininga ko kanina saka siya humarap sa isang direksiyon. Using his plump lips, he pointed the door. Itim iyon katulad ng sa iba pa.

Hindi ko na hinintay pang makasagot siya dahil pumihit na ako palapit sa pintong itinuro niya. I immediately held the doorknob and squeezed it. Naka-lock iyon kaya muli akong humarap sa kaniya.

“It’s in my pocket…” he said as if he already knew.

Suminghap ako. Pinaparusahan nga malamang ako! Mas nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko dahil sa inis at kung hindi lang ako natatakot na magising si Eve ay baka kanina ko pa siya nasigawan. Lahat na lang ng mga nangyayari ay hindi pumapabor sa akin. Hindi ko rin naman sinasabing pumapabor sa kaniya ang lahat pero sana naman maisip din niyang hindi maganda ang magkasama kaming tatlo rito sa bahay nila.

We might not do something unacceptable but it still wasn’t good to hear for both Bien and Sally that we were together. Lalo na at wala kaming kasamang iba! Guilty pa rin ako dahil wala pa ring alam si Bien hanggang ngayon na nandito si Jimin at kasama ng anak ko, kasama naming ng anak ko.

“Look, if it bothers you, you can just hold our daugh—“

“Shut up and stay still.” I didn’t mean to sound so hard and harsh but I couldn’t help it, I didn’t like any of what was happening. Closing my fists, I dragged my feet towards him and before bringing my hand to dip into his pocket that had the obvious lump, I first raised my gaze to look at him.

It was hard, to be honest, when he was looking so softly at me as if he was afraid he would trigger my bad side, every time he would look softly at me like that… I would admit, my heart felt like leaping out of my chest and my stomach twirling insects. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ko, hindi ko na hahayaang magkaroon siya ng epekto sa akin. Kaya kung ano man itong pakiramdam na muli niyang binubuhay sa akin, hindi ko iyon mapapayagan.

I needed it dead before it got out of control.

Maayos ko namang nakuha mula sa bulsa niya ang susi ng kuwarto niya kahit na hindi lang ang puso ko ang nagpapahirap sa akin, kung hindi maging ang pamilyar niyang bango na hindi na nagbago sa kaniya. Pagkatapos ay walang lingon-lingong binuksan ko na ang pinto ng kuwarto niya.

The room was monochromatic, too far from the ocean blue room with a hint of white he had in my memories. Instead of a bed with blue covers, placed in the middle of the wide room was a bed with gray covers and gray pillows. Same with the other furniture and stuff, from the lamp on the bedside table to the curtains in the balcony and down the carpeted floor. Sa labas ay combination ng itim at puti ang pangunahing kulay kaya hindi naman out of place ang disenyo ng kuwarto niya.

Nakakapanibago lang dahil hindi ganito iyong nakasanayan ko noon. Well, people really change. Mayroon nga sigurong mga hindi nagbago sa kaniya pero imposibleng walang nagbago. Hindi man sa ugali niya o kilos niya, puwedeng sa interest o sa paraan ng pag-iisip niya mayroon na.

I held the door open for him. Nang makapasok siya ay agad siyang dumiretso sa kama na maayos naman. Mabilis akong sumunod sa kaniya pagkasara ko ng pinto para i-angat ang bedsheet at nang ma-ihiga niya ng maayos si Eve. We both held our breath when the kid shortly stirred but didn’t wake up. Sabay rin kaming bumuntong-hininga.

Katulad ng ibang bata, umiiyak din si Eve kapag nasisira ang tulog niya.

Natigilan ako sa paghakbang palapit sa gilid ng kama nang yumuko siya para halikan sa noo ang bata. Inayos niya pagkatapos ang ilang hibla ng bangs ni Eve saka siya muling tumuwid ng tayo. Ayaw ko nang pansinin pang muli ang nag-iingay kong puso. Masyado itong responsive sa mga maliliit na kilos lang ni Jimin, at hindi maganda iyon.

“I’ll stay here with her…” agad kong sabi nang mahulaan kong balak niyang humarap sa akin. Itinuloy ko ang paglapit sa kama, nilagpasan ko siya at prenteng na-upo sa gilid.

Malaki ang espasyo sa parehong gilid ni Eve dahil masyadong malaki ang kama para sa kaniya, kung gugustuhin ko nga ay puwede akong mahiga sa tabi niya pero hindi ko iyon gagawin hanggang nandito si Jimin. Ayaw kong isipin niya na komportable na ako sa mga nangyayari.

“Actually…” He trailed off. He first gulped before continuing. “I want to talk to you.” He deeply stared back at me, as if letting me see the nakedness of his eyes. They were still very beautiful. Hindi ko rin naman ikaka-ilang hanggang ngayon ay gandang-ganda pa rin ako sa mga mata niya pero isa sa mga iniiwasan ko ay ang muling lusungin ang kailaliman noon.

The last time I had done, I had got drowned.

Nilingon ko na lang si Eve para iwasan ang mga mata niya. I let the back of my fingers softly brush her smooth cheek. “I don’t think I have something I want…” Lumunok ako. “I want to talk about with you.”

Closing my eyes firmly, I was brought back to the painful times where I had to attend their broadcasts and fan meetings with my big belly just to talk to him, but was I given the chance? Sobrang delikado noon para sa kalagayan ko pero tiniis ko kasi umaasa akong makaka-usap ko siya pero anong napala ko?

That day, that dreadful day, that if only it wasn’t also the same day Eve was born, that day he was so happy showing the world the girl he loved. Hindi ako iyon, si Kang Sally iyon. He had officially ended us that day. So he couldn’t just tell me that he wanted to talk to me, for whatever that might be, still I wanted to be fair to myself since he deprived me that when I was still so in love with him.

“Hanselle—“

Marahas ko siyang binalingan dahil ayaw ko nang may marinig pa mula sa kaniya. Namimihasa na siya ng sobra! Akala ba niya gustong-gusto ko ang mga nangyayari? Akala ba niya masaya akong nandito na ulit siya kasama namin  ni Eve? He didn’t have any idea that only if my daughter didn’t like him so much, there was no way he would ever get near us.

“Then I’ll talk here,” he said in an unbreakable tone as he brushed his hair up with his fingers. He looked frustrated that made me raise a brow at him.

Siya pa frustrated?

“Your daughter’s sleeping. Why don’t you just do your business outside while I stay here with her? We’ll go out when she wakes up…” Hininaan ko lang ang may diin kong boses. Saglit kong nilingon si Eve na mahimbing pa ring natutulog, walang kamuwang-muwang sa nangyayari sa amin ng Daddy niya.

I could bare the chaos and all, just so she would stay unaware of everything. Ni hindi ko rin alam kung paano niya tatanggapin na si Jimin ang Daddy niya. Sure, she liked the idol, but would that turn out fine? She never asked for a father, so I really didn’t know.

“Sally is not my girlfriend.”

Why I wasn’t shocked, I didn’t know. Kung may nararamdaman man ako sa sinabi niya, mas nainis lang ako dahil pakiramdam ko, bumabalik kami sa nakaraan. Pakiramdam ko, binabalikan naming iyong mga issue sa pagitan namin, kasama si Sally.

I didn’t want to hate the female idol but why did she always have to be the person in between Jimin and I?

“Shut up, Jimin. I don’t care about you and Sally or any—“

“BTS will disband, that also means I don’t have to come meet our president’s terms. That means I will be free from their manipulation and I will be free to do whatever I want. I want a family…” Dire-diretso siyang nagsalita na halos habulin ko ang bawat mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. Ni wala akong naintindihan bukod sa katotohanag may balak na nga silang mag-disband.

“What are you saying?” Tumayo ako saka tinitigan ang nakasarang pinto.

“Would you let me explain if I tell you why I l-left you before?” Lumambot ang boses niya na tila nag-iingat.

That question was like a portal.

Alam kong kapag pumayag ako, magiging daan iyon para bumalik kami pareho sa nakaraan. Hindi ko iyon gusto. There were so many things that had happened in there that had hurt me, that had pained me and had wrecked me, and looking back was almost killing me, what more going back?

I might not be able to save myself anymore.

Yumuko ako saka pinilit na lunukin ang barang nasa lalamunan ko kasabay ng pamumuo ng mga luha sa mga mata ako. I had Eve, I already had Eve. Kuntento na ako sa kaniya, hindi ko na gusto pang balikan ang mga nangyari noon. Dahan-dahan akong umiling. “It’s… i-it’s done. Explaining won’t change anything. Whatever your reason may be, acceptable or not, it w-won’t change the fact that you’ve hurt me and that we both have separate lives n-now.” Umatras ako nang sinubukan niyang abutin ang mga kamay ko, ang mga nanunubig kong mga mata ay sinalubong ang malulungkot niyang mga mata.

I wasn’t there. What might have happened before was way too different from what I thought had happened, I knew deep within me, it wouldn’t change anything. Kasi nangyari na. Naapektuhan na ako, nasaktan at nahirapan na ako.

Iyong mga nangyari noon? Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit nandito kami ngayon, iyon ang dahilan kung bakit may mga tao sa buhay namin ngayon na hindi ko gustong masaktan kung pipiliin man naming balikan ang mga nangyari noon.

If we both chose to look back to the past, we would have to drag those people too. And no, the last thing I wanted was to hurt Bien.

“But I am ready to tell you everything, Hanselle…” Pumiyok siya saka siya tumingala, ang mga kamay ay agad na tumakip sa mga mata niya.

Nakita ko kung paanong nagtaas-baba ang Adam’s apple niya na kung hindi lang kami pareho emosyonal ay baka nagkaroon pa ako ng oras na kiligin doon. Hindi pa nakatulong na iba ang naging dating sa akin nang binigkas niya ang pangalan ko. It had been… what? Five years? It had been five years since he had last addressed me as 'Miss' so hearing him call my name felt so new.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. That shouldn't affect me, that shouldn't. “Save your explanation for Eve. I won’t deprive you the chance to be with her. Slowly, you can tell her you’re her father but I couldn’t give you more than that. You have Sally, Jimin. Stop hurting people, you should learn from what you did to me.” Tinalikuran ko siya saka ko pinakawalan ang mga hikbing kanina nagpapasakit sa lalamunan ko pero mas napa-iyak lang ako nang maramdaman ko ang katawan niya sa likod ko.

His firm arms slowly went snaking around my waist just as his face leveled with mine. Naramdaman ko ang mariing halik niya sa pisngi ko kasabay ng pagdidiin niya sa akin sa sarili niya. My hands were quick to cover my mouth when my sobs became louder. Nalaman kong umiiyak din siya dahil sa panginginig ng mga labi niyang nasa pisngi ko pa rin at ang pagdaloy ng mga luha niya sa pisngi ko… humahalo sa mga luha ko.

Being back inside his arms was something I had long longed. At hindi ako makapaniwalang nasasaktan ako sa mga desisyon ko dahil lang yakap niya ako. I felt very vulnerable yet very safe in his embrace, it felt like I could afford another heartbreak from him.

Saglit kaming nanatili sa ganoong ayos. Damang-dama ko ang mabilis na tibok ng puso niya sa likod ko at sigurado akong rinig na rinig niya ang malakas na tibok ng puso ko.

“I understand why it is so easy for you to decide such decisions but I… I d-did not go here just to let you go again. You are the mother of my child… I will do everything just to get you back.” Jimin was not the type to threaten anyone but he was most likely to do as he promised, though he had broken his biggest promise to me, I knew he was serious.

“You still stay… s-stay the same. Why can’t you just be contented with just our daughter?” Naramdaman ko ang marahang paghaplos ng mga daliri niya sa magkabilang gilid ng baywang ko, idinidiin pa ako sa katawan niya at ang mga labi niyang patuloy sa pagbibigay ng muntik halik sa basa kong pisngi.

“I told you, I want a family…” banayad niyang sagot.

“Then build a family with your girlfriend.” I hardly bit my lower lip, guilty for I couldn’t seem to push him off me.

Saglit lang. It was too long ago since I had felt him, since I had felt his hug. Hindi ko pa kayang itulak siya palayo sa akin dahil nagugustuhan ng katawan ko ang lapit naming sa isa’t isa.

I knew it was wrong, but it felt so good.

“You still stay the same. Let me just end my contract with Bighit and then I will tell the world about my relationship with Sally. The truth should have been out long time ago but president has been manipulating everything. Also, I am the father of your child, it’s not nice seeing men around my daughter.”

Look at his English speaking, it improved so much. At maging ang pag-iisip niya, nakakatakot na baka mawalan ng saysay ang mga desisyon ko dahil mukhang hindi siya patitibag.

Just what did those years do to Jimin?

“Don’t forget that it was Bien who was there with me when you left me."