Chapter Twenty-two

I had never imagined myself agreeing to any arrangements that might involve Jimin in it, what more having to agree to a crazy and absurd arrangement with him?

Nababaliw na talaga ako.

It felt like opening the scars Jimin had left my heart for him to scratch them and make them bleed again. Pero anong magagawa ko? My daughter’s smile was making it up for all the pain, miseries and sadness her father had given me.

She was making it all up for Jimin.

Kaya kahit na hindi ko gusto ang mga nangyayari, kung paanong gaanong kabilis lang na nakapasok si Jimin sa buhay ng anak ko, kung paanong tila walang nangyaring bumalik siya sa buhay ko at kung paanong pumapabor sa kaniya ang lahat ay wala akong magawa. I couldn’t do anything but to let him because it cost my daughter’s happiness though it felt to me like all of what I had gone through before was carelessly thrown out of the window, I blindly accepted that Eve was very happy to have Jimin in her life.

I blindly and painfully let Jimin have his way towards my daughter.

Natatawang pinanood ko si Eve na masayang naglalaro sa properly matted na mga numeric rubber carpet sa living room. We had to move the center table out so she could play in the middle. Naroon nagkalat ang mga stuffed toys niya na mas dumami pa dahil sa mga ipinapadala ni Jimin nitong mga nakaraang araw. Binilhan din siya ng Daddy niya ng console game na gustong-gusto niya.

The famous idol had seriously and properly performed his role as Eve’s father for a short period of time. Kahit ako ay damang-dama ko kung paanong handa siyang gawin ang lahat para kay Eve. Ilang araw na ang lumipas simula nang magkita sila, halos isang buwan na rin silang narito sa Pinas.

Online news and social media outlets had been speculating stuff about the sudden disappearance and inactivity of the BTS. A lot said they were in some part of America and enjoying their vacation while some said, mostly Filipinos, that they had been seeing members of BTS here in the Philippines. It was only Namjoon, Taehyung, Jungkook, and Jimin who were here so I assumed they had been very careless around. Hindi maganda kung malalaman ng media na nandito sila sa Pinas. People would investigate and they would find out why they were here.

I didn’t want any issues come my daughter’s life, she was still very young to be hated and judged by some of BTS’s immature fans.

My precious baby wouldn’t deserve it.

Eve had finally stopped complaining about the heat because she was always occupied with her toys and video games. Kahit na madalas ay halos matuyuan na siya ng pawis ay hindi pa rin siya nagrereklamo, pinagsusuot ko na lang siya parati ng maninipis na damit at palaging pinupunasan.

She didn’t often hold her iPad anymore to play Solitaire. Kung noon ay halos oras-oras siya kung mag-charge ngayon ay hindi man lang nababawasan ang percentage ng battery energy ng iPad niya. And she… she didn’t often mention Bien anymore because she always mentioned Jimin more often. Hindi ko sinasabing kinakalimutan na niya si Bien, may mga pagkakataon pa ring inu-ungot niya sa akin maka-usap si Bien pero hindi na tulad ng dati na kapag hindi siya pinagbigyan ay todo tantrums siya.

She didn’t need to look for Jimin because the idol would always have stored time for her. Araw-araw tuwing matatapos ang dinner ay naka-set up na ang laptop para sa video call nilang dalawa.

It was Bien before, now it was Jimin.

At hindi ko kayang magpaka-selfish at ipagkait sa kaniya iyong sayang na-ibibigay ni Jimin. She was still very clueless that he was her father so imagine her reaction if she would know? Hindi siya naghahanap ng tatay pero bilang isang bata, alam kong hinihiling niya rin na magkaroon ng tatay.

That was every child’s happiness, their father or to have a father.

There right there was her father, all willing to commit… thought too late, I thought for as long as it made my daughter happy, I would confide. I would cave in. I would let him be with her.

“Jessie, hand me her face towel,” sabi ko kay Jessie na nagsilbing audience ni Eve habang nakatayo sa harap ng TV ang bata na naglalaro.

Eve’s reflection was on the screen itself, she was playing a one-on-one volleyball with herself as an avatar and the console’s game provided avatar as her component. Sinusundan ng avatar niya ang lahat ng mga ikinikilos niya.

I could see how she would grow up as a sporty lady. Kahit na hindi naman actual na volleyball ang nilalaro niya ay nakakabilib pa ring nagagawa niyang makapuntos ng marami. I remembered when I was a child, I couldn’t even properly hit the shuttlecock when playing Badminton, so in the end, my teammates only let me sit on the bench useless. They had said I would rather be useless that put the team on lose.

I agreed though.

Sumunod sa akin si Jessie pero agad din bumalik sa pagkaka-upo sa puwesto niya sa rubber carpet, katabi niya roon ang nananahimik na si Esen. Nagpatuloy siya sa panonood sa batang nag-e-enjoy.

I smiled wider. I remembered when the young babysitter had bombarded me with a lot of questions when I had got home that day. She was very panicky and amazed about the fact that Park Jimin was Eve’s father. Crush na crush nga niya talaga si Jimin, ni hindi rin siya makapaniwala na boyfriend ni Evah si Namjoon

I had actually wished Evah was there to do the explaining to Jessie.

Sa huli, wala rin akong nagawa kung hindi ang ibahagi sa kaniya ang kaunting parte ng mga nangyari noon. Kahit na medyo personal iyon ay pinagbigyan ko siya dahil hindi na rin naman siya iba sa amin ni Eve. She was a trusted person and I knew, she had an affection to Eve that wasn’t just a simple babysitter to child affection.

“Pero sila po ni Kang Sally!” She was really nosy about it.

“Yes. At kami ni Bien kaya tumigil ka na.”

Hinintay kong matapos ang round ng match na nilalaro ni Eve saka ko siya tinawag para palapitin sa akin.

She was somehow being easy to me as days passed by. Hindi na niya madalas ipilit na si Jessie ang umasikaso sa kaniya, kapag naliligo ay kusa siyang lalapit sa akin kapag naiinitan o nalalagkitan na siya sa sarili niya. She was also a very disciplined and well-mannered kid, sa hapag man, sa galaw o sa pananalita.

Thanks to Bien, siya ang nagtuturo kay Eve ng mga tamang gawain noon. They even had rules for each other that included rewards and punishments. Mas na-mo-motivate ang mga batang sumunod sa mga sinasabi sa kanila kapag may reward.

In my daughter’s case, it wasn’t about the reward, she was just very spoiled and pampered.

Both Jessie and Eve clapped triumphantly when the screen showed who won the match, Esen who was silent flinched at her ground before standing up and going away from the living room. Si Eve ang nanalo, habang nagtatalon siya sa saya ay nagtatalon din iyong avatar niya sa screen.

The game asked for another round so I let when Jessie took the game controller.

“Okay, mahal ko. Pause muna, come and I’ll put this towel on your back…” I softly told her, myself sat at the couch while fixing the face towel in my hands. Hindi ko na masyadong pinagka-abalahan ng pansin si Esen dahil hindi naman siya makakalabas ng mansiyon.

“I want to play volleyball, Mommy,” she said as she stood in front of me, her short height giving me access to level my face on hers and leave a loud smooch on her crimson plump lips—something she took after her father.

Minsan kapag nakanguso siya, hindi ko mapigilang maalala si Jimin.

“You’re already playing, Eve…” natatawang sabi ko nang nalukot ang mukha niya.

“No, I want to play with a ball. I want both Tito Bien and Jimin oppa to play with me, you can join if you want to. Also Tita Em, Tita Evah and Tita Aly. Yaya Jessie will surely join.” Ang dami niyang sinabi, sa sobrang dami ay hindi ko na halos maintindihan kung paanong sa murang edad ay na-iisip niya iyon.

Normally, a child would only think about playing, only playing and would give no care about who would she play with.

Hindi niya rin alam kung gaano kahirap ang gusto niyang mangyari. Bukod sa hindi ko naman mapapagsama sa iisang lugar sina Bien at Jimin dahil hindi magandang ideya iyon ay nasa Korea si Bien, abala sa trabaho at ayaw kong abalahin.

Bien and I had a constant communication. We would talk to each other through phone and would tell each other about how we both did all day. It would always be before sleep, when we were both in bed so Eve was already sleeping. Sa tuwing magkausap kami ay gustong-gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya ang tungkol kay Eve at Jimin pero hindi ko magawa dahil natatakot ako sa mararamdaman niya.

I didn’t want to hurt him, I would never do but I knew, it would be inevitable so I chose the easiest and safest way, he should be clueless to be spared from the pain. We would just wait till he successfully produced his boy group and I would let him be with us.

That would be perfect by then.

Marahan kong ipinunas ang puting bimpo sa pawisang pisngi ni Eve pataas sa noo niyang natatabunan ng itim na itim na hibla ng mga bangs niya, humahaba na ang mga iyon dahil umabot na sa mga kilay niya gayong nasa kalahati ng noo niya ang tabas ng mga iyon noon. Her paper white skin was glittering in sweat, strands of her curly hair sticking on her face and her breathing was a little bit ragged.

Magtatanghali pa lang pero mukhang isang buong araw na siyang naglalaro. Mayamaya lang ay gugustuhin na niyang maligo. She would again stay a whole hour at the pool, for sure. It was fine, kasama naman niya akong nagbababad at saka mainit naman ang panahon.

“I can buy you a ball and ask your Tito Haynes to set a net at the garden, Eve so we can play together. We can ask your Tita Evah to join and your Tita Chelsea. Jessie will be joining too…” I knew it wasn’t a very best bargain but I still tried my luck.

The twins were still very young to play with her. Hindi naman natatapos ang isang buong araw na hindi niya nakakalaro ang mga ito. Sometimes, before sleep, she would drag me towards the twins’ nursery room and would play with them. Kahit tulog ang mga ito ay napipilitang gumising dahil lang napaka-ingay niya.

It was fine with Chelsea since she said, the twins had been sleeping all day but not with Kuya Haynes.

“The twins are resting, Hanselle. There’s a time for playing. Eve, go to your room!” Nagalit si Kuya Haynes kasi kararating niya lang mula sa office na Manila. He had lost a case so he was kind of set in a bad mood.

“Haynes, she's just playing! Ikaw ang may kailangan ng pahinga, hindi ang kambal!” Chelsea was fast to defend my daughter.

Sa huli, lumabas na lang kami ni Eve at iniwan sila roon na mukhang mag-aaway pa. Truth be told, kinabukasan, kapansin-pansin ang tensiyon sa pagitan nila habang nasa hapag kami at nag-bi-breakfast. Kahit sina Mamang at Papang ay agad na napansin iyon. They just told the married couple to immediately talk it out so it wouldn’t turn big.

Well, ganoon pa rin, my daughter would still play with the twins but with a time limit. Kapag oras na ng tulog ng kambal ay kailangan na ring umalis ni Eve para makapagpahinga na rin. Hindi lang naman sa mga anak niya concern si Kuya Haynes, pati rin kay Eve.

Also, I was really trying to get on his good side because he was still not very situated with the idea that Jimin was here in the Philippines and having the privilege to see Eve.

“It’ll be fine for me for as long as he doesn’t show up here, and in front of my face. Ipapakulong ko ang lalaking iyon kapag nakita ko siya. No one from his group will be stepping in this house!” He was low-key mad about it since my parents were still very clueless.

They couldn’t know. Paniguradong gugustuhin nilang makilala si Jimin. They were following the right conduct of parenting. Ang malala, baka ma-isipan pa nilang ipakasal ako sa Daddy ni Eve. That would be the most absurd thing that could happen. Bukod sa hindi iyong magandang ideya, ayaw ko rin namang mapilitang magpakasal sa akin si Jimin dahil lang may anak kami. We already had people in our lives that we wouldn't want to hurt.

I had Byun Bien and he had Kang Sally.

Matapos kong punasan ang mga pawis ni Eve ay tinupi ko iyon saka dinampot ang isang mas mahabang bimpo sa tabi ko at tinupi rin. “Turn around, mahal ko,” I softly said and when she did, I gently put the towel on her sweating back.

Hinawi ko ang buhok niya pagilid pagkatapos saka ako yumuko para patakan ng mabilis na halik ang nunal sa batok niya. “Done!”

“What about Jimin oppa? Tito Bien?” She blinked her small eyes at me, still not done with it.

Bumuntong hininga ako bago siya marahang inikot paharap muli sa akin. “They can still play with you, pero tayo muna, don’t you want that?”

Of course, I would be just her second choice. I already accepted that in my daughter’s life, I wouldn’t ever be her first priority. She would really look for anyone and not me.

“Okay, but if Jimin oppa calls later, I’ll tell him about it…” Nagkibit-balikat siya na nakapagpa-angat ng mga kilay ko dahil para siyang matanda na kung makakilos.

Laughing at her, I wrapped my arms around her and placed her on my lap. “Who taught you that?” hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko sa kaniya saka siya pinaliguan ng halik na nagpahagikhik sa kaniya.

“Jimin oppa often up-ups his shoulders when talking to Tito Joonie or Tito Kookie or Tito Taetae!” she answered in between giggles. Nang sumiksik siya sa dibdib ko ay niyakap ko siya, amoy baby powder at melon pa rin siya kahit na natuyuan na siya ng pawis.

It was funny how she was just a small bean before, how her whole body fitted inside my arms and how she just weighed so lightly but now… she still fitted my arms, as if I held in my arms my world but she was growing so fast. Years from now, she would have decisions for herself, and I was afraid nothing would change through the years. I was afraid I would remain just someone who held no significance in her life.

“I love you, mahal ko…” At kailanman, hinding-hindi ako magsasawang sabihin sa kaniya kung gaano ko siya kamahal, ipinaparamdam ko iyon pero gusto kong malaman niya iyon.

I deprived her a father figure, a father’s affection and attention so I would give her all the love she deserved.

Nagpatuloy si Eve sa paglalaro samantalang nagtungo na lang ako sa kusina para makita kung ano ang mga hinahanda nila para sa lunch. The maids were already informed about Eve’s choice of foods. Parating may separate meal para sa kaniya pero sinisigurado ko pa ring monitored ko iyon.

Wala rito si Manang Bing dahil iniwan ko siya sa Manila kasama ang ilang kasambahay roon. Kasama na rin nila si Aly roon dahil hindi pa siya bumabalik dito simula nang makatanggap siya ng tawag kay Bret. She just had to call us to inform us that she would be staying there to manage Eve. Naisip namin ni Evah na kung iyon talaga ang gusto niya ay hahayaan namin siya.

It was only Evah who remained here, but I knew, it was only a matter of time before she told me that she also needed to go. Sa nakikita kong relasyon nila ni Namjoon, hindi nga malabong ma-uwi sila sa kasalan lalo na at mukhang seryoso ang leader ng BTS sa disbandment.

Napalagay ako nang makitang dinosaur nuggets ang ulam na pin-repare ng mga kasambahay para kay Eve. Evah had thought of a witty way how to make Eve eat healthy foods without the kid knowing. She experimented a food that would still be fine with my daughter though it had vegetables. She cooked a fried rice with malunggay leaves and potatoes.

At first I thought my daughter would get skeptical about it and would refuse to eat but she didn’t, she innocently ate them. Kaya itinuro ni Evah ang procedure ng pagluluto noon sa mga kasambahay.

I smiled when l saw a maid attending to Esen's food. Kaya siguro umalis sa living room ang pusang iyon ay para kumain. Kapag nga nag-usap kaming muli ni Bien ay ipagpapaalam ko na rito na ipapa-breed ko na si Esen. The cat must be feeling lonely already. She might already be looking for a mate or just wanting to have kittens to shelter.

During lunch, kaunti lang kaming mga nasa mesa. Sometimes, without Evah for she had plans with her boyfriend. My parents were at work, same with Kuya Haynes and Holly who were both in Manila. Kami-kami lang nina Chelsea, Jessie at iyong mga nannies ng kambal ang palaging naiiwan sa bahay kasama iyong mga bata.

“Mommy! Yaya Jessie’s done with my hair, can I talk to Jimin oppa now?”

Nilingon ko ang pinto kung nasaan nagmamadaling pumasok si Eve, hawak niya sa isang kamay ang phone niya kung saan niya madalas maka-usap si Jimin bago sila mag-video call sa laptop.

Truth be told, her black curly hair was neatly braided into two, at the end of her braided pigtails were her Jake ponytails. She was already wearing her one of her animal onesie pajama. Dinosaur ang design noon at kulay green dahil iyon ang pinakapaborito niya sa lahat. Her father had also bought her different design onesies and night clothes. Mukhang pati sa Daddy niya ay magiging spoiled din siya. Well, my daughter didn’t ask, he was giving Eve everything without anyone telling him.

“Careful, mahal ko…” Ibinaba ko ang laptop na hawak ko nang makita kong nahihirapan siyang umakyat ng kama. Lumapit ako sa kaniya saka siya binuhat at inupo sa tabi ko. “Hand me your phone.”

Inabot niya sa akin ang phone at tahimik na hinintay na i-dial ko ang number ng Daddy niya. It was actually in the speed dial, isa pa, iyon lang naman ang number na nandito. I needed to buy her a new phone so I didn’t need to give Jimin my number. Si Eve lang naman ang kailangan niyang maka-usap.

Nang mag-ring ang kabilang linya ay inabot ko na kay Eve ang phone matapos kong i-set sa hands-free mode para marinig ko ang pag-uusap nila tulad ng madalas mangyari.

“Jimin op—“

[“Who’s this?”]

My daughter was cut off when a soothing soft voice of a woman came instead of Jimin’s natural soft yet raspy voice. Natigilan ako habang iniisip kung bakit pamilyar ang boses ng babaeng nasa kabilang linya. Eve slowly turned her head towards me as she threw me a confused look. Nanatiling nasa malapit sa bibig niya ang screen ng phone.

I sweet smiled at her as I lent my hand. “Let me talk to her, mahal ko…”

Agad kong in-off ang hands-free mode nang maibalik sa akin ni Eve saka idinikit sa tainga ko ang phone. Clearing my throat, I tried so hard not to blurt out words that started to mess my mind. Bumuntong-hininga ako. Hindi naman malabong magpunta siya rito dahil nandito si Jimin. Isa pa, her group already had their final stage performance so they wouldn’t be out for broadcast or productions anymore. They were disbanded.

“Uh, is this Jimin’s phone, right? Where is he?” Ayaw kong magtunog iritado o iparamdam sa nasa kabilang linya na kailangan niyang sagutin ang tanong ko dahil kahit na hindi pa siya magpakilala, may hinala na ako kung sino siya.

May mas karapatan siya kay Jimin. May posisiyon siya sa buhay ni Jimin.

[“Y-Yes, who’s this? I can hand Jimin oppa the phone, he’s inside the bathroom…”] She was quick to switch to English upon hearing what I said.

Hindi ko kailanman naisip na magkakaroon kami ng pagkakataong magpalitan ng salita ni Sally. I had always known how beautiful she was. Aaminin ko ring may nabuong galit sa puso ko para sa kaniya pero ngayong naririnig ko ang boses niyang sobrang lambot ay unti-unti kong napapagtanto kung gaano ako ka-selfish at ka-immature.

Kang Sally was innocent. Hindi siya ang may kasalanan sa akin, nadamay lang siya kasi siya iyong ipinagpalit sa akin ni Jimin noon. She sounded so soft and very beautiful—if it was possible. Nakaka-guilty na nagawa ko siyang kamuhian.

“Uhm…” Saglit kong binalingan si Eve na nakatingala sa akin at matiyagang hinihintay akong i-abot muli ang phone sa kaniya para maka-usap na niya si Jimin.

Yes, I was guilty for being mad at Sally and I would say sorry to her because I would have to stay selfish for my daughter. Alam kong boyfriend niya si Jimin, at magiging unfair nga kami ni Jimin sa kaniya kung wala siyang alam sa eksistensiya ni Eve at ng koneksiyon ng anak ko kay Jimin pero si Eve ang pinag-uusapan dito.

Jimin was Kang Sally’s boyfriend, but he was also my daughter’s father.

My daughter needed him in her life.

“Could you, p-please?” I hated how my voice sounded so desperate and selfish. “You can tell him it’s Chan in the phone…” I hardly bit my lower lip as my heart pounded so fast it hurt when I heard a faint gasp from her line before she went silent for an agonizing minute. I knew right there and then that the name of my daughter rang a bell to her. I knew, though unsure, she might have an idea about Eve.

[“F-For… for a while…”]

I didn’t want to hurt her, I didn’t want to involve her but with the privilege Jimin had given her in his life, it would be inevitable not to hurt her because she was already involved. Noon pa lang, noon pa lang involved na siya. She might have been just very clueless about it, I felt sorry for her.

Nakarinig ako nang ilang mga yapak sa kabilang linya kasabay ng ilang mga kaluskos bago ko muling marinig ang malambot at banayad na boses ni Sally. She just told Jimin what I told her. Mayamaya lang ay narinig ko na ang boses ni Jimin.

[“Hello…”]

Taking the phone away from my ear, I turned to Eve and handed her the phone after setting it on hands-free mode again as I smiled sweetly at her… though pain and guilt masked from it.

Masayang kinuha ni Eve ang phone. “Jimin oppa! You’re with a girl! She sounded nice! Let me meet her so you can also bring her when you visit me!”

Maybe, my daughter was my karma. She was both my luck, my precious and my karma. She was all of me same as she was also the end of me.

Dahan-dahan akong tumayo saka nagtungo sa banyo. It hurt, I didn’t know what hurt to be honest. Was it because of Eve happily wanting to meet Sally or was it because Jimin and Sally were together?

Both were not an idea considerable so I really didn’t know.