XXI
Chapter Twenty-one
I was going to forgive Evah for what she did. I was trying to understand that just like me, she also wanted what was only she thought was best for my daughter.
Eve's happy eyes and sweet smiles had really made up for it. Para kay Evah, ang pagtagpuin sina Eve at Jimin ang pinakamagandang gawin, at alam niyang hindi iyon pabor sa akin kaya niya nagawang ilihim ang ginawa niya. Had she told me about it, would I ever confide? Of course not. I was trying so hard to keep my daughter away from Park Jimin so I would have never agreed to it in the first place.
Biting my lower lip so hard, I turned my head away from Jimin who carried the sleeping baby in his arms, his arms wrapped protectively and tightly around Eve’s small body as my daughter’s head safely rested on the crook of his nape and both of her arms dangled by her side. Ang mga binti ni Eve ay nakayakap sa baywang ni Jimin at mukha siyang komportable sa posisyon na iyon.
Itinoon ko kay Evah ang tingin ko na ngayon ay hindi na makatitig sa akin, nasa tabi siya ng boyfriend niya. Namjoon had his arm around her waist, constantly leaving kisses on her head. Good for them, I hoped BTS’s leader wouldn’t hurt her again.
“What do you mean you have plans today? Look, Evah, I understand that you want to be with him but you can’t leave me and my daughter with this man. At least, umuwi muna tayo—“
“You have the driver with you, Hanselle.” Ngumuso si Evah bago mag-angat ng tingin kay Namjoon na tila nanghihingi ng tulong. She was tall, so Namjoon’s tall height complemented hers very well. Bagay na bagay sila sa isa’t isa. Hindi ko iyon na-realize noon dahil ngayon ko pa lang naman sila nakitang magkasama.
Evah suited the leader-rapper very well, I couldn’t imagine any other girl that would suit him same as I couldn’t see any other guy that would suit my best friend. Hindi ko sila gustong hadlangan, masyado na silang maraming pinagdaanan kaya kahit na hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nagawa pa ring patawarin ni Evah si Namjoon, hindi na ako mangingi-alam at hahayaan na lang sila.
Surely, I couldn’t defy their love for each other, no one could.
Namjoon sighed deeply as he stared at me… he stared at me the way he had used to before. “Hanselle, Jimin will make sure to bring you home safe. I’m sorry if we’re causing you an inconvin—“
“Why don’t you just take the man and leave us with my driver? We'll be home safe, we don’t need him.” Ayaw ko ring isipin na baka pinlano ito nina Evah at Aly. Pakiramdam ko kaya biglaang may lakad si Aly at naunang umalis, isinama pa si Jessie ay dahil dito. Ngayon ay sina Namjoon at Evah naman ang aalis kaya maiiwan kami ng anak ko kasama si Jimin.
Just how perfect their timing was?! Sinasadya nila ito!
Eve’s would work without us, and we weren’t also expecting calls from our staffs there since they were capable. I was so stupid to realize just now that Aly’s reason was very petty and obvious! Nataranta na rin kasi ako kanina nang sinabi niyang tumawag si Bret at kailangan daw ang isa sa amin doon. I didn’t even think that if ever Bret would call, it would be me!
Alyssa!
“C’mon, Hanselle. Give them more time to be together…” Humina ang boses ni Evah nang muli ko siyang batuhin ng masamang tingin dahil sa gusto niyang gawin ko.
From the corners of my eyes, I could see Jimin staring at me. He was smart for choosing to stay silent because I wouldn’t want to hear anything from him. Pabor na pabor sa kaniya ang gusto nina Evah at Namjoon, that made me alone in my own side.
“Evah, please, I'll let you date your boyfriend for the rest of the day, just don’t leave me with Jimin.” Halos hindi ko na marinig ang boses ko nang pantayan nito ang hina ng boses ni Evah pero sa mas deperadong tono. I couldn’t stay longer with Jimin. I couldn’t let him stay longer with my daughter!
Namimihasa na siya, dahil lang saglit ko siyang pinagbigyan. Sana lang hindi niya nakakalimutang may malaki siyang kasalanan sa amin ng anak ko at ayaw ko nang magkaroon ng kahit na anong koneksiyon sa kaniya.
Sighing in defeat, Evah hesitantly moved away from Namjoon who disappointedly stared at me before giving Jimin a sad look. Tipid siyang ngumiti sa akin saka dahan-dahang tumango na nagpagaan ng loob ko. Nilingon ni Evah ang boyfriend niya na tumango rin sa kaniya, tila sinasabing naiintindihan ang desisyon ni Evah. Tumingkayad si Evah para halikan si Namjoon sa mga labi bago siya lumapit kay Jimin.
Hindi niya alam kung paanong uminit ang pisngi ko na makita silang dalawa ni Namjoon na ganoon. It was my first time!
“I’m sorry, Joon…” I apologetically told Namjoon.
In response, he sadly smiled at me. “We’re thinking of low-key disbanding. We’ll still produce songs but not appear on broadcasts until Jimin fixes what he needs to be fixed with you. I hope, you don’t make it hard for him,” aniya na tipong napakadali ng gusto niyang gawin ko. And disbanding? Were they seriously thinking of leaving their careers and their fans?
Napahinto si Evah at nilingon ako. “Yes, Hanselle. Dapat mo pa lang malaman iyon. We already have plans together, stuff about wedding so baka nga tuluyan na silang ma-disband. Just letting you know…” And she smiled wickedly at me.
What the hell?! Sinasabi ba nilang hindi pansamantala lang ang pananatili rito ng BTS dahil may plano na pala silang mag-disband?! That would only give Jimin time to chase after my daughter and mess my life! What the hell?!
“Alam mong hindi ako makakapayag na makalapit siya ulit sa amin, Evah!” I angrily screamed as my feet were fast to march towards Jimin. Siya naman ang binato ko ng masamang tingin na nagpaatras sa kaniya. Hindi ako sadista, ayaw kong nakakasakit ng ibang tao, mapapisikal man o emosyonal pero sa puntong ito, gustong-gusto ko nang saktan si Jimin.
I hated how he was thinking so easy of all these, I hated how he saw everything so light as if he could just show up and I would have to thank him.
“Hanselle, calm do—“
“Give me my daughter!” Hindi ko pinansin si Evah nang lagpasan ko siya. I harshly took my daughter from him, he didn’t expect it so his grip on Eve loosened making me easily take my daughter.
Nakaramdam ako ng kaunting awa kay Eve nang maramdaman ko ang pagkakagulat niya. The sleeping baby stirred up immediately before she whined, her eyes instantly looking for someone. Nang mahanap ako ng mga maliliit at tila inaantok pang mga mata niya ay ngumuso siya saka lumingon kay Jimin. My heart ached even more when she whined again and started squirming in my arms. Nanginig ang mga balikat niya bago siya tuluyang umiyak. Stretching her pair of small white arms, she tried to reach for Jimin who stood stunned in front of us.
Palaging ginagawa sa akin ni Eve ang ganito. She would rather have someone hold her instead of me, it always hurt me but it hurt me more when she chose Jimin over me.
“Jimin oppa!” She cried in my arms, so desperate for Jimin’s hold.
Maybe God knew so much how I loved my daughter, how a single tear and sound of cry from her could destroy my whole world and break my heart, God knew so much how to strike me because every time Eve would be like this, I couldn’t help but think of how incapable I was as her mother.
Gusto niya ang ibang tao kaysa sa akin dahil nabigo akong magpaka-ina sa kaniya. At ayaw ko nang isipin pa kung anong mangyayari oras na malaman niyang si Jimin ang tatay niya… she might probably throw me out for good.
“Mommy, don’t let Jimin oppa go!” Humarap sa akin si Eve na puno ng mga luha ang pisngi, basa na ng pawis ang buong mukha niya pero napakaganda niya pa rin. “M-Mommy…" She cutely let her small hands cover her tear-stained face as she loudly sobbed, breaking the hearts of all of us.
Ang hirap lang ma-ipit sa sarili kong kagustuhan at kagustuhan ni Eve. Alam ko naman hindi ko kailangan mamili dahil iyong kaniya pa rin ang masusunod. I loved her so much I could set aside my own happiness but did Jimin have to be with her happiness?
My watered at the sight of her. Siyempre, kahit na masakit sa akin, kahit na hindi pabor sa akin at kahit na pakiramdam ko nababaliwala ang lahat ng mga sakit na pinagdaanan ko noon ay pagbibigyan ko pa rin siya kasi mas mahalaga siya sa akin, mas mahalaga siya kaysa sa mga pinagdaanan ko noon.
She was my life, she was all of me.
Hinaplos-haplos ko ang likod niya saka siya isiniksik sa leeg ko, paulit-ulit akong tumango habang marahang inaalog siya. “Okay, okay, mahal ko. We won’t let him go. You like him so much?” malambing kong tanong sa kaniya.
She lightly nodded, her arms finding their way around me. “Y-Yes…” Her voiced was muffled on my shoulder.
That triggered my tears.
I didn’t like Jimin to have to do anything with us anymore, sa akin man o sa anak ko pero kung ilalayo ko si Eve sa mga taong gusto niyang manatili sa buhay niya, mas magiging masamang ina ako para sa kaniya. Kaya sa ngayon, sa ngayon hahayaan ko muna.
Jimin would only be in my daughter’s life, not mine’s so I thought, that could somehow work.
With blurry eyes, I found Evah walking slowly towards us. I painfully smiled at her, showing her how of a loser I was, because I really was. Ayaw ko ring ituring na ka-kompitensiya si Jimin kay Eve pero hindi ko maiwasang isipin na napakadali lang niyang nanalo.
Just what did he ever do for my daughter to easily like and favour him when I had been trying ever since?
“Hanselle, I know how hard this is for you. You’re a good mother…” banayad niyang sabi, ang mga kamay ay nagtungo sa mukha ko para punasan ang mga luha ko.
I heaved a deep sigh. “Natatakot ako, Evah. Natatakot akong kapag tuluyan nang napalapit si Eve sa kaniya ay umalis na naman siya. I don’t want him to have the power of hurting my daughter…”
“I… I will never do anything that w-will hurt our daughter,” Jimin suddenly said, his soft low voice was filled with sincerity.
When I stared past Evah’s shoulder, Jimin’s sad yet determined eyes bravely met mine. They were beautiful like ever, those small eyes that I had used to love before, just I never knew that I would be able to see them again this near… with emotions I didn’t even expect to. And just as he let me have his way through his eyes, questions about the past, confusions and missing pieces started bombarding my mind.
Why did he leave me before, first of all?
“Really? I don’t want to trust your promises, Jimin. If you wish to stay, then stick with it but if you plan to leave too, then I suggest, you leave now before my daughter gets even more attached to you.” Inayos ko ang pagkakakarga ko kay Eve na mukhang nakatulog na dahil hindi na siya umiiyak at banayad na ang paghinga. “Enjoy your day with Joon, Evah.”
Hindi ko na hinintay pang makasagot ang kahit sino sa kanila dahil nagtungo na ako sa sasakyan at maingat na ipinasok si Eve. I gently laid her down the front seat before I softly pecked her lips, she stirred a bit but didn’t wake up. Pumasok na rin ako pagkatapos at isinara ang pinto.
There was no way I would let Jimin sit with us here at the front seat. Sa passenger’s seat siya umupo o kung saan niya gusto, huwag lang sa tabi namin ni Eve.
Hindi na nagulat ang driver at umayos na lang ng upo.
Nakita kong saglit na kina-usap muna nina Evah at Namjoon si Jimin. Sa huli, isang tapik sa balikat ang ibinigay ng leader ng BTS kay Jimin bago nila hayaang magtungo si Jimin sa sasakyan. He shortly stood first outside of the car, as if thinking of what he should do. Lumingon siya sa kinaroroonan nina Evah at nakita kong may isinigaw si Evah bago siya tumango at pumasok sa passenger’s seat.
His scent that didn’t change through the years mixed up with the melon flavored air freshener scent of the car.
I might just sleep since the way going back home would take time, there would probably a heavy traffic ahead of us.
Nakatulog nga ako. Nagising lang ako nang makaramdam ako ng pangangalay sa batok ko, napansin kong diretso ang upo ko habang nakasandal sa headrest ang batok ko kaya siguro nangalay. Kumunot ang noo ko dahil nakahinto ang sasakyan sa gilid ng isang establisimiyento, sa kabilang gilid ng sasakyan ay ang kalsada. Hindi na gaanong masikip ang daan dahil nakalampas na kami sa Roxas Boulevard kung saan naroon ang pinakamabigat na traffic.
“Manong, bakit po tayo huminto?” tanong ko sa driver na tahimik lang at tila may hinihintay. Wala si Jimin sa passenger’s seat na mas nagpakunot ng noo ko.
Nasaan ang lalaking iyon?
“Lumabas po si Sir, Miss Hanselle. May bibilhin daw po sa drugstore,” sagot ng driver na bahagya lang akong sinulyapan sa rearview mirror.
Magtatanong pa sana akong muli nang makarinig ako ng mga mahihinang katok sa bintana ng kotse. Outside, already in his dark brown furry oversized hoodie, the hood was on his head and black leather mask covering almost half of his face, Jimin stood outside the door and patiently waited for me to open it.
What the hell did he think he was doing? Lumabas siya ng ganyan ang hitsura? Dito sa lugar na mas maraming tao, at mas marami ang puwedeng makakilala sa kaniya?!
Mabilis pero padabog kong binuksan ang pinto saka umurong para bigyan siya ng espasyo sa loob. Delikadong hayaan siyang magtagal sa labas. Suot niya pa lang ay puwede na siyang makakuha ng atensiyon. It was almost lunch, the sun was at its high so it was very hot outside. His clothes that didn’t fit right with the weather would seriously pulled every attention thrown to him.
“What are you doing?!” mahinang singhal ko sa kaniya, sinigurado kong malaki ang espasyong inilaan ko sa pagitan namin. Si Eve na malapit sa kabilang pinto ay tulog pa rin kaya hininaan ko lang ang boses ko.
Agad na nanuot sa ilong ko ang pamilyar niyang bango habang ibinababa niya ang mask niya at iyong hood ng suot niya. Drops of sweat formed on his forehead and his cheeks were crimson due to the heat.
“I just bought you medicines,” sagot niyang itinaas ang kamay para ipakita ang paper bag na may tatak ng isang drugstore.
“Medicine? I’m not sick, Jimin—“
“You lower lip has bruised.” He simply cut me off before looking inside the paper bag. Inilabas niya roon ang isang ointment at isang pack ng cotton buds.
I pressed my lips together only to flinch a bit as I was reminded about my wound. Hindi ko na iyon naalala pa kanina kaya ngayong pina-alala niya, ramdam ko na naman ang bahagyang hapdi nito. Wala sa sariling napahaplos ako sa sugat na nasa pang-ibabang labi ko.
I didn’t know what it looked like but I was sure, it looked ugly. It probably had a dried blood and cut skin.
“Gyeong, you can drive while I treat her wound…” He softly told the driver, addressing the driver formally.
Sumunod ang driver sa kaniya habang sinisimulan na niyang maglagay ng kaunting ointment sa isang stick ng cotton bud samantalang hindi na ako mapalagay. Iniisip niyang puwede niyang gawin ang gusto niya, iniisip niyang puwede niya akong hawakan.
What a shameless man!
“Stop, Jimin. Give me the ointment and I’ll attend to my wound.” Akmang aagawin ko sa kaniya ang paper bag na nilapag niya sa kandungan niya nang mabilis niya iyong inilayo. Napasinghap ako saka masama ang tinging binalingan niya.
He just seriously stared at me, his pair of small eyes slowly going down my lips. Ilang saglit siyang tumitig doon bago siya bumuntong-hininga at nag-attempt na nahawakan ang mukha ko.
I disbelievingly scoffed as I swatted his hand away. “Don’t you dare!” Lumakas na ang boses ko dahil sa unti-unting pag-usbong ng galit sa sistema ko.
Hindi dahil binigyan ko na siya ng pagkakataong makasama si Eve ay puwede na niyang gawin ang kahit na anong gusto niya. Para sabihin ko sa kaniya, sa buhay lang ni Eve ko siya pinayagan makapasok, hindi sa buhay ko.
“Look, I am trying to fix everything—“
“Don’t even mention us, Jimin. I’m telling you, there’s nothing that should be fixed. Just focus on your daughter. Give me the ointment.” Maayos kong inilahad sa kaniya ang palad ko dahil ayaw ko nang buksan pa ang mga nangyari noon.
He uttered a deep sigh. Akala ko ay ibibigay na niya pero umayos lang siya ng upo para humarap sa akin. Using his other hand, he dared to hold my chin and softly lift it up as his other hand was quick to gently attend on my lower lip. Marahang humaplos sa pang-ibabang labi ko ang cotton bud, paulit-ulit iyon iyon pero maingat.
Huli na nang makabawi ako dahil binitiwan na niya ang baba ko saka ipinasok sa loob ng paper bag ang ginamit niyang cotton bud. Sunod niyang inilabas ang isang maliit na skin tone band-aid. Hindi na ako pumalag nang yumuko siya sa akin para maingat na tapalan ng band-aid ang sugat ko dahil nilunod na ako ng mga ala-alang hindi ko kailanman naisip na maaalala ko pa.
I was done with it, I didn’t want any of what had happened before. Matagal na iyon, Eve’s arrival and existence in my life had already made up for it.
Dahan-dahan akong lumayo sa kaniya nang matapos siya. “Don’t do that again. I want to be civil with you, Jimin. I'll try to be, for my daughter so please, learn not to cross any boundary. Don’t forget that we’re not the same people before, it was you who changed first.” Para maka-iwas na lingunin siya ay itinoon ko na lang ang tingin ko kay Eve.
She was sound asleep, sa liit niya ay talagang nagkasya siya sa liit ng espasyo sa gilid ng upuan. Ulo niya iyong malapit sa pinto samantalang nasa malapit ko naman ang mga paa niya. Her chest was slowly going up and down indicating her peaceful breathing. Normally, I wouldn’t let her sleep in the car when there was a long ride ahead but she was up early so I was letting her sleep. Siguro ay gigisingin ko na lang siya kapag nakalabas na kami ng Manila.
Hindi ko alam kung balak ba ni Jimin na ihatid kami hanggang sa Ursula Mansion, hindi ko rin naman gugustuhing makita siya ni Kuya Haynes, o ng kahit na sino sa pamilya ko. There was no point, he wouldn’t be permanent in our life. Magkakaroon siya ng sarili niyang pamilya, at kapag dumating ang araw na iyon, I would make sure to detach Eve from him so it wouldn’t devastate her.
“Can w-we switch seats?” Pinutol ng mahinang boses ni Jimin ang katahimikan.
“What for?” tanong ko sa kaniya, medyo iritado.
“I want to sit beside her…”
Limang taon na ang lumipas. Surely, his English speaking had improved so much. Isa na ang grupo nila ngayon sa may pinakamagaling magsalita ng Ingles. They were veterans, they had been attending awards in the western part of the world and they had literally dominated the world with their music. Natural lang na bihasa na siya sa pag-i-Ingles. They had had collaborations with famous artists in America and had made friends with those.
Kung noon ay si Namjoon lang ang madalas na sumasagot sa mga interviews, ngayon ay silang lahat na.
Just a lot had happened for five years, it had changed everything in between us. Kahit ngayong katabi ko siya ay pakiramdam ko, hindi totoo. Kung hindi lang sa galit na matagal kong inalagaan sa puso ko, wala nang ibang makakapagpatunay na totoong kasama ko siya ngayon.
Park Jimin was my daughter’s father. It sounded surreal and unbelievable, but the pain and anger made it real.
“Manong, hinto po muna tayo—Jimin!” Napasigaw ako nang maramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa baywang ko bago niya ako buong lakas na binuhat.
He swiftly moved under me but failed to switch our places when the car pulled to a sudden halt. Nabitawan niya ang baywang ko kaya na-uwi akong naka-upo sa kandungan niya saka kami sabay na muntik nang sumubsob sa harap. Napahawak ako sa ibabaw ng upuang nasa harap.
Both of our gasps raced through the air as I felt his head bump on my back but it didn't hurt.
“Jimin! Our daughter!” Agad kong naalala ang anak ko kaya hindi ko na inalintanang naka-upo ako sa lap niya, mabilis kong nilingon si Eve at kumalma rin naman ako kaagad nang makitang nakaharang ang isang braso ni Jimin sa dulo ng upuan para hindi malaglag si Eve.
Luckily, the kid didn’t wake up.
“I got her…” he lowly answered, his forehead dangerously close to my nape as I felt his hot breath on my skin.
Hindi ko magawang dumiretso ng upo dahil paniguradong tatama ang likod ko sa kaniya. It wasn’t very nice to be sitting on his lap itself, what more being close to his body? Napaka-weird na ng mga nangyayari buong araw, baka kapag hindi pa kami nakarating sa Ursula Mansion ay kung saan pa kami mapunta.
I quickly moved away from sitting on his lap and sat on the space he left. “Manong, p-pasensiya na po. Tuloy… t-tuloy na po tayo…”
Nang maka-alis ako sa ibabaw niya ay nakita ko mula sa gild ng mga mata ko kung paanong hinabol niya ako ng tingin. I glared at him so he would stop staring at me. Yumuko siya, nilingon na lang si Eve saka inayos ang pagkakahiga ng bata.
He carefully lifted the sleeping baby to safely cradle her in his arms where she fitted very well.
I suddenly wished for the car to move fast so we would be home, away from him. I wasn’t liking how a part of me was slowly getting soft for him.
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