Chapter Six

Five years ago, I had to forcefully take him away from both my heart and my mind, it wasn't easy because I had loved him, I had given him half—no, my whole heart and had poured my whole life, my whole universe into loving him. I thought we were perfect.

It was very beautiful, to have fallen in love with him though too doubtful to see as a reality. At noong pinili niyang iwan at saktan ako, napatunayan ko sa sarili kong hindi ako puwedeng manatili na lang sa pantasyang binuo ko kasama siya… nakakalunod iyon.

It wasn't easy to un-love and forget him, but I had my daughter to open my eyes and stop living in a dream of him, in a dream of all that we were before, my daughter had brought me to live in the beautiful reality where sadly… there was no him.

Tinanggap ko iyon kasi wala naman akong choice, inubos ko na iyong mga choices ko noon noong ginawa ko ang lahat para bumalik siya sa akin. Kaya hindi ko lubos-maisip ngayon kung bakit nagkikita na naman kami. I thought what had happened at the hospital's elevator was the first and the last, I had hoped so, but why did we have to see each other again for the second time? Wala akong balak na magbukas ng panibagong pinto para sa mga taong bumabalik sa buhay ko, at sana, hindi siya bumabalik.

I hoped this was just a normal 'coincidence' and nothing more.

Umupo ako sa harap ni Eve habang hinihintay ko siyang matapos sa dapat niyang gawin, hawak ko ang mga tuhod niya at nakatingala sa kaniya. She looked too small on top of the toilet, her pair of small hands held tightly on my wrists so that she wouldn't fall, not that I would let it.

"Mommy, you know the pretty Unnie earlier?" tanong niya sa akin sa natural niyang malambot at maliit na boses.

"What about her?" balik-tanong ko sa kaniya. She was referring to Sally and it was funny how she described her. Well, totoo namang maganda si Sally but she couldn't really call 'Unnie' the girl who was probably the reason why she didn't have a father now.

Hindi ko lang gustong bigyan niya ng kahit na anong tawag si Sally dahil hindi maganda sa pakiramdam, kaharap niya ito kanina kasama ang Daddy niya.

Para sa unang pagkikita nina Jimin at Eve, napaka-casual lang noon at napaka-ikli. Hindi naman sa may inaasahan akong mangyari sa una nilang paghaharap, ni hindi ko kailanman inisip na magkikita sila pero nakaka-disappoint lang na magkadugo sila, mag-ama pero sa ganoong paraan lang pala sila magkikita.

Why did they even have to meet if they would be a stranger to each other forever? Why did Jimin even have to know the existence of Eve if there would be no way I would ever let him near her? Why did it have to be like this seriously? Ah, coincidence, coincidence! They could cross paths all for the sake of a very ridiculous coincidence! I got it!

"She's been into our school. She's my classmate's auntie," sagot ni Eve, masyadong inosente ang tono. "Most of my boy classmates have a crush on her," dagdag pa niya na tipong alam na alam na ang tungkol sa mga ganoong bagay. And she was just four years old, still a baby for me to be knowing such thing.

"Eve, they're still kids," natatawang sabi ko, naaaliw sa mga pinagsasabi niya. Halos isang taon lang akong nawala pero may mga ganito na siyang nalalaman, maybe, I should find a better day-care school for her.

"Yes, Mommy but they're happy whenever she's at school," aniya.

Napatitig lang ako sa inosente niyang mukha. Na-gi-guilty ako dahil mas napagtuunan niya ng pansin si Sally kanina gayong ang lalaking kasama nito ay may malaking parte sa buhay niya. He was still her father. At naiiyak akong alalahanin na hanggang tinginan lang sila pareho. They could have been smiling to each other if only Jimin didn't ruin what we had before… kasi katulad ng ibang ina, gusto kong lumaki ang anak kong kasama ang tatay niya. And that was something Jimin had both deprived all of us.

Huli na rin para roon, hindi ko na siya gugustuhing pumasok pa sa buhay ni Eve. Manatili na lang siya sa kung nasaan siya ngayon, mukha naman siyang masaya. Kaya kong palakihin si Eve, I could give all my life for her. We didn't need him to be honest.

Nang matapos si Eve ay inayos ko na ang suot niyang damit. Lumabas kami ng cubicle at nagpunta sa sink para makapaghugas siya. Since hindi niya abot ang sink dahil hanggang mga hita ko lang siya ay kinailangan ko pa siyang buhatin para makapaghugas ng kamay, pagkatapos ay bumalik na kami sa loob ng sinehan.

Well, the after-party went all fine and good.

Hinalikan ko si Eve bago ko siya hinayaang bumaba ng sasakyan ni Bien kasama si Jessie para pumasok na sa loob ng school. Pina-ulanan ko siya ng napakaraming 'I love you's at ilang paalala, samantalang pinaki-usapan ko naman si Jessie na huwag na huwag pababayaan si Eve.

Nang maisara na ni Jessie ang pinto ay hindi ko na napigilan at napahikbi na ako. Noon, iisa lang ang dahilan kung bakit madalas kong iwan dito si Eve sa Korea, for a reason that I needed to hide her from my parents but every time we needed to part ways like this and every time I needed to leave her again, my heart wasn't taking the pain.

Hinding-hindi ako masasanay, pero mas masakit pala talagang wala man lang siyang paki-alam sa pag-alis ko. I was afraid that one day, she would stop calling me 'Mommy' because of the distance between us.

Most kids would cry and tantrum over their parents leaving but she was just so cool about it as if she was very used to all this.

Oo, kasi sinanay ko siya.

"I'm sure, in time, she'll understand." Ang banayad na tinig ni Bien ay hindi nagawang pakalmahin ang sumasakit kong puso. He even pulled me for a tight hug but I only felt even more hurt and sad.

Sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko. Ganito na lang ba palagi? I didn't sign up for this pain, because just like any mother out there, I didn't want to leave my daughter. It was just that when I made the decision, there was no choice lent to me other than this. At natatakot ako, natatakot akong baka sa mga susunod na taon sa paglaki ni Eve, isa na lang akong tao sa buhay niya na walang significance. At ayaw kong mangyari iyon.

Sa airport na kami dumiretso pagkagaling ng iskuwelahan ni Eve. Ngayon ang flight ko pabalik ng Pilipinas na dapat talaga ay noong Sabado pa pero dahil nga um-attend kami ng premiere night ng pelikula ni Em ay ngayon pa lang ako lilipad.

"I can take Chan to the Philippines, to you on their vacation." Bien offered generously while he was gently holding my hand.

Umiling ako dahil hindi puwede iyon. Kaya ko. Kayang-kaya kong isama sa akin ang anak ko sa kahit na anong panahon dahil hindi naman ang pag-aaral ni Eve ang problema rito. I couldn't take her to the Philippines because of the possibilities that my parents would meet her. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ng mga magulang ko sa kaniya. I knew my parents, though I was just so afraid to take the risk. Not when my daughter was involved. I just wanted what was certain for her.

"She can't go to the Philippines," sagot ko. Alam niya iyon dahil hindi naman lingid sa kaniya ang mga bagay-bagay sa buhay namin ni Eve.

"You don't have to tell people that she's your daughter—"

"That's why I can't take her to the Philippines, Bien! I can't deny my daughter! It'll hurt me more!" Hindi ko napigilang sigawan siya dahil sa ideyang naisip niya.

Akala ba niya hindi pumasok sa isipan ko ang bagay na iyon?! I had looked for ways just to bring her with me to the Philippines but I always came up with that idea and I couldn't take it. I couldn't deny my daughter. I would rather leave her here than walk in my country and deny her.

Napanganga siya dahil marahil sa biglaan kong pagsigaw. He had his mouth gaped open as his eyes stared at me, surprised.

Bumuntong-hininga ako at agad nakaramdam ng guilt. "I'm sorry," mahina kong sabi. I then felt him tightly hold my hand. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil mas ma-gi-guilty lang ako dahil sa mga malalambot na mata niyang iyon.

"It's fine, it's fine, Seol. You're just furious. It's fine with me…"

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko dahil sa sobrang rahan ng boses niya. He could get pissed off of me but he just didn't want to. He was just too patient when it came to me. At hindi ko alam kung bakit kumikirot ang puso ko dahil doon.

Just, he was too good and people who loved him would probably throw thrash to me for taking for granted such a precious man like him.

Nakarating kami ng Incheon International Airport na sobrang tahimik ng sasakyan. Wala ng nagsalita sa amin pagkatapos noon. Hindi siya, hindi ako dahil masyado pa ring mabigat ang loob ko at hindi si Bok na siyang nagmamaneho.

Isang halik sa noo ang iginawad sa akin ni Bien bago niya ako tahimik na hinayaan nang makapasok sa loob ng boarding area ngunit bago ako tuluyang pumasok ay binigyan ko muna siya ng sobrang higpit na yakap. I could only do was to assure him that he might wait for long but I wouldn't get away from him. Dahil hindi man ngayon, handa naman akong maghintay kasama siya kung kailan ako magiging handa.

And I hoped, till the end, he would stay.

"Call me when you get there, Seol. I love you," he whispered softly on my ear while smoothly caressing my hair. Now that was soothing and comforting.

"Thank you," was all I said before finally going forward, giving him one last glance and a smile.

Hapon na nang mag-landing ang sinasakyan kong eroplano sa NAIA. Nag-taxi na lang ako patungo sa bahay sa Manila. Hindi na ako tumawag kay Kuya Haynes at Chelsea para sabihing ngayon ang balik ko dahil ayaw kong maabala pa sila.

Panigurado busy si Chelsea sa kambal niya pati na rin si Kuya Haynes.

Matapos ang mga nangyari five years ago ay nagawa akong pilitin ni Kuya Haynes na sa Manila manirahan matapos kong manganak noon para malapit lang sa kanila. Siya ang nag-iisang taong nilapitan ko noon nang malaman kong pinutol na ng BTS ang connection nila sa amin.

He had helped me even if I didn't listen to him before.

Nagpasya akong lumipad pa-Korea noon dahil sa pag-asang maayos ko pa ang gusot sa pagitan namin ni Jimin at hindi pa ako handang humarap sa mga magulang ko, bukod pa roon ay ginusto ko ring kasama sa pagpaplano nina Evah sa pagtatayo ng Eve's.

It was just that, my stupid heart was still hoping for the impossible events… hoping for something that would never happen anymore.

Kasama ko rin sina Evah, Aly at Em noon habang umaasa ako, habang pinapaniwala ko ang sarili kong maayos pa at maisasalba ko pa ang lahat, they were there with me together with my brother.

"I got Hanselle," ani Em sabay abot sa akin ng box na maayos na nakabalot sa isang pulang wrapper at naka-ribbon pa.

Na-excite ako sa kung anumang nasa loob, I could feel my insides doing summersault and my heart doing battle of the bands. I was pregnant so it was natural to have overflowing emotions for even smaller things. Nasasanay na rin ako sa pagbabago ng mood swings ko, maging ng naramdaman ko. I was easily getting sensitive and emotional.

"Thanks, Em," nakangiti kong sabi sabay tanggap ng regalo dahil ako pala ang nabunot niya sa bunutang ginawa namin kahapon para sa Monita namin ngayong Christmas Eve.

"Ikaw naman, Hanselle! Sino ang Monita mo?" excited na sabi ni Aly habang pumapalakpak.

Inilapag ko ang regalo ni Em para sa akin sa kandungan ko bago ko damputin ang isang regalo na nasa paper bag sa mesa kung nasaan ang natitira pang regalo. Ngumisi ako habang inisa-isa sila ng tingin…

"I hope you like this… Aly," sabi ko at pumikit ng mariin para sa paghahanda sa tili niya at hindi nga ako nagkamali, halos magtatalon siya habang tumitili dahil panigurado, alam na niya kung ano ang regalo ko sa kaniya.

Kaninang umaga pa siya nagpaparinig na para bang binibigyan niya ng hint ang kung sinumang nakabunot sa kaniya kung anong gusto niyang makuha.

Kasunod na nagbigay si Aly, at si Evah pala ang Monita niya kaya't si Em naman ang Monita ni Evah.

Matapos kaming magbigayan ng mga regalo ay kinain na namin ang hinanda nilang pagkain para sa okasyon ngayong gabi, sayang at kinailangan na namang bumalik ni Kuya Haynes sa Pilipinas.

This was my first Christmas Eve that I was away from my family but this wasn't the worst, kasi kahit na hindi pa rin ayos ang lagay ng puso ko ay masaya ako dahil napatunayan kong may mga kagaya nilang tao na mananatiling nasa tabi ko kahit na anong mangyari.

Siyempre, nagulat sila nang malamang buntis ako, I had got scoldings from them though I had got a lot more scoldings from my brother, they still comforted me and accepted me, because somehow… we were all the same here.

We were all broken and got left out by our special someone we didn't expect would leave us.

"Why don't we name it Eve's? Tutal Christmas Eve naman ngayon," Evah said in the middle of the meal while we were talking about the business we were going to build after the happy exchange gift.

"Ma'am, nandito na po tayo."

Bumalik ako sa reyalidad nang marinig ko ang boses na iyon. Napagtanto kong nakahinto na sa harap ng Grandwell Residence ang taxi-ng sinasakyan ko at nakatingin sa akin ang driver mula sa rearview mirror.

"Sige lang po Manong, pasok po tayo," sagot ko sa driver saka sinenyasan siyang dumiretso.

He then maneuvered the car inside the village, after having a talk with the guard in duty who immediately recognized me. Itinuturo ko sa driver ang daan patungo sa loteng kinatatayuan ng bahay ko, at nang makarating kami sa mismong harap ng malaking bahay na may kulay berdeng matayog na gate ay tinapik ko na ang driver para pahintuhin.

Sinulyapan ko ang bill sa metro bago maglabas ng isang libo. Inabot ko ito sa driver bago bumaba ngunit bumaba din siya para malamang tulungan akong ilabas ang travel bag kong nasa tank ng sasakyan.

"Ah, Ma'am sandali lang po, iyong sukli niyo." Mabilis siyang pumasok sa sasakyan para suklian ako kaso agad kong kinatok ang bintana ng passenger's seat. It slid down and the driver's confused stares were directed to me.

"Keep the change po, Manong," nakangiti kong sabi. Matagal muna niya akong tinitigan, bahagyang naka-awang ang mga labi bago dahan-dahang tumango at nagpasalamat.

Simple lang ang hitsura ng bahay ko dahil hindi naman metikuloso ang pamilyang nagbenta sa akin nito noon. Kulay gatas ang bahay na nakatayo ngayon sa harap ko at nagtatago sa mataas na green na gate, kita ang kalahati ng bahay mula rito sa labas. Paliko ang one-way driveway nito dahil nasa likod ng bahay ang garahe. This wasn't grand like the house I had grown up into but this fitted my taste that was why I had bought this house when Kuya Haynes had told me that the house was for sale.

Nang makita ako ng guard na siyang toka sa guardhouse ngayon ay agad akong pinagbuksan, kahit nang pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay ay halos mataranta ang mga maids para batiin at pagsilbihan ako maliban lang sa nag-iisang tao.

"Umakyat ka na muna, hija. Padadalhan na lang kita ng meryenda, paniguradong pagod ka sa biyahe…" Manang Bing told me with full understanding as she strode towards me from the kitchen.

"Salamat po," tangi kong sagot matapos pasadahan ng tingin ang tatlong kasambahay sa likod niya na pare-parehong nakayuko at nag-iiwas ng tingin sa akin. Nilagpasan ko na sila at nagtungo sa hagdan dala ang travel bag ko.

"Grabe, kinabahan ako!"

"Ako rin 'no! Bakit kasi mukhang masungit si Ma'am Hanselle?!"

Bumuntong-hininga ako at nagpatuloy na sa pag-akyat. I didn't know why people were always straying from me as if I was some kind of a scary person? I didn't bite. Like, hindi na talaga nagbago ang pakikitungo sa akin ng ibang tao o baka wala pa rin talagang nagbabago sa akin.

Seriously, I didn't know.

Mariin akong pumikit nang makapasok ako sa kuwarto ko. I pushed the door closed and leaned on it. Iginala ko ang paningin ko sa kabuuan ng kuwarto ko. I now believed that people change.

See? I had changed after all.

Nakakatuwang noon ay purong mint ang makikita sa kuwarto ko, ganoon parati kahit nang humiwalay na ako sa mga magulang ko at tumira sa bahay na binili sa akin ni Mamang, I had still got my room colored in mint. Pero ngayon, simpleng plain white na lang ang pangunahing kulay na makikita sa kuwarto ko.

Dull, plain and boring white. Not so me.

It's not that people change, Hanselle. That doesn't apply to you. You just want to change some things about you to forget… 'cause everything reminded you of him. My inner Goddess never failed to strike pain into my heart and how it was always right. Kasi alam na alam nito kung gaano kapasaway ang puso ko na kailangan muna nitong masaktan ng paulit-ulit bago matuto. But I could guarantee myself that I had learned.

I wouldn't do anything that would hurt me again, even if I was being driven by my heart's desire. I wouldn't be a slave for my heart anymore. I had learned to overpower it. At least, what had happened before had better effect on me.

Imbis na magpahinga muna ay napagdesisyunan kong tawagan muna si Bien para ma-assure siyang safe akong nakabalik ng Pinas at para na rin kamustahin si Eve. Katulad ng madalas na nangyayari sa tuwing tumatawag ako kay Bien, he answered the call within just one to two rings, as if he was really waiting for my call, and I couldn't help but smile.

He was so thoughtful, seriously and I was so lucky.

["Yoeboseyo? Seol-ah~ How's your trip?"] bungad niya sa akin sa malambing na boses.

"I'm safe, Bien. I'm calling to assure you and stop you from worrying," natatawang sagot ko. Narinig ko siyang bahagyang tumawa rin sa kabilang linya ngunit may ibang tinig pa akong naririnig.

["You really know me too much and that's your advantage, Seol. Shouldn't you be resting now?"] Dumiin ang tono niya sa huling pangungusap. Minsan talaga hindi ko maiwasang isipin kung anong klase ng boyfriend siya pero sa pagkakakilala ko sa kaniya, sa tingin ko, nasa gitna siya ng strict at konsintedor.

Minsan ay kinokonsinte niya ako at minsan naman ay napaka-strict niya. Didn't really blend well. Two opposite attitudes e, though I could assure that he would be a very nice and good boyfriend.

"I have to call you first, Bien. Where are you?" untag ko sa kaniya dahil mas lumakas na ang mga naririnig kong boses mula sa linya niya.

["I'm at the building, Seol. I just met the new boy group I'll be producing,"] aniya, ramdam ko ngayon sa tono ng boses niya na masaya siya. He was always happy but I could really tell if he wasn't just happy, he was very happy with how the way he talked.

Yes, I knew him that much.

"So how are they? Talented like you, or more than you?" I teased him, thinking how bright his face might be now plus how cute might he be with those boys he would be producing.

Hindi man ako fan ng LUX noon pero kilala ko sila. Kagaya ng BTS ay may ibubuga rin sila. They were even veteran than the BTS actually during their prime. At alam ko kung gaano ka-talented si Bien, lalo na sa pagkanta.

["Are you teasing me? Of course, I'll make them surpass what we had reached, I'm going to make a new boy group sensation that everyone will be talking about,"] mayabang niyang sagot at na-i-imagine ko na talaga ang malapad niyang ngiti.

I smiled widely. And I wanted to support him with that. "I'm sure you'd make a good job, I'll support you with that," proud kong sabi. Naupo ako sa kama habang naghihintay ng sagot niya dahil matagal siyang nanahimik ngunit hindi rin naman nagtagal ay narinig ko ang mabibigat niyang hininga sa kabilang linya.

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Are you alright, Bien?" I asked him.

["That's why I can't stop falling for you,"] mabini niyang sabi na hindi ko mahulaan kung bulong lang ba o sadyang mahina lang ang boses niya, pero rinig na rinig ng mga tainga ko, maging ng nag-iingay kong puso.

Hindi na talaga ako magugulat kung isang araw magising na lang ako na mahal ko na pala siya… mahal ko siya ngayon pero hindi pa umaabot sa puntong kaya kong sumubok ulit. And I didn't know what to do if he decided one day to stop.

Would I take it? Could I let him go?

Hindi ko magawang isagot sa kaniya ang mga salitang tumatakbo sa isip ko dahil wala akong lakas ng loob. Tumingala ako habang hawak ang phone ko at mariing idinidikit sa tainga ko. I couldn't stop the overflowing emotions right inside my heart and I was afraid, it would burst out.

Kung posible man iyon.

"You still there, Bien?" Umakto akong hindi ko siya narinig. That was to save us both from the uncertainty of the future. Kasi hindi pa talaga ako ready…

["Ah yes, yes. Did you call your friends already? After I fetched Chan, I went directly to the building,"] pag-iiba niya ng topic na tahimik kong ipinagpasalamat.

"I will after this," sagot ko.

["Actually, a talent scout saw Chan earlier and asked me if I'm interested to let her join showbiz industry,"] mabagal niyang sabi na tila hindi pa sure kung sasabihin ba niya sa akin iyon.

"Showbiz? And why Eve?" takang-tanong ko.

["Obviously, your daughter is very pretty. That wasn't actually the first time… there's a lot,"] aniya sa mabagal pa ring tono.

Napanganga ako dahil hindi ako makapaniwalang may mga talent scouts pa lang nakakapansin sa anak ko at hindi ako makapaniwalang ngayon lang niya ito sinasabi sa akin. Though, I was not mad. Baka hindi interesado si Bien kaya hindi niya binanggit sa akin ang mga nauna. Isa pa, napakabata pa ni Eve. I knew how Korean artists management worked, ayaw kong bata pa lang si Eve ay dumanas na kaagad siya ng hirap ng pag-ti-train para lang makapasok sa showbiz industry sa Korea.

I wanted a great and carefree childhood for her.

"And what management?"

["Are you interested?"] Ramdam ko ang gulat sa tono niya. I rolled my eyes. Hindi ako interesado, gusto ko lang malaman kung anong mga kumpanya ang mga ito.

"No, Bien. The last thing I wanna happen now is to expose my daughter in public and get those talent scouts to ruin my child's life," pinal kong sagot.

["Okay, okay, I understand. I have every calling cards of those scouts, I'll send the image to you,"] natatawang aniya, halatang amused sa sinabi ko.

"Okay. You'll hang up now?"

["Yes, I still need to brief these boys,"] sagot niya.

Napagtanto kong kasama niya malamang ang bagong grupo ng SMT na siyang i-po-produce niya kaya malamang maingay kanina sa background niya.

"Oh, sorry! Take care of yourself and Eve please,"

["I will, Seol so take care of yourself too. Bye, I love you,"] sagot niya kasabay ng sigawan sa background niya. Bago pa ako makasagot ay narinig ko na ang mga tunog na hudyat na tinapos na niya ang tawag dahil alam na niya ang sasabihin ko.

Pagkatapos ng pag-uusap namin ni Bien ay si Jessie naman ang tinawagan ko. Kinamusta ko ang anak ko. Sinabi naman niyang okay lang daw ito, inusisa ko rin sa kaniya ang tungkol sa mga offer kay Eve ng ilang mga entertainment companies.

["Sorry, sorry po Ma'am Hanselle! Hindi ko po sinabi dahil sabi ni Sir Bien, hindi naman daw po iyon m-mahalaga!"] Lubusan ang paghingi niya ng tawad sa akin.

"Hayaan mo na iyon, Jessie. Hindi naman talaga mahalaga. Curious lang ako," natatawang sagot ko sa kaniya.

Tinanong niya kung gusto kong maka-usap si Eve pero nang mabanggit niyang naglalaro ito kasama si Esen ay tumanggi ako. I was fine just hearing that my daughter was doing fine. Baka maistorbo ko lang si Eve lalo na at hindi naman siya iyong tipo ng batang ma-e-excite dahil tumawag ako.

Well, I hoped she did though.