Chapter Four

Ibinaba ko ang phone ko matapos kong mabasa nang hindi sinasadya ang isa sa mga news trend ngayon saka tumitig sa kawalan. Ang isipan ko ay hinahalukay ang kung anong posible kong maramdaman sa mga nabasa ko, o kung mayroon ba dapat akong maramdaman.

'Park Jimin was spotted rushing into Dae Min University Hospital because of his girlfriend, Sally.'

Below was an image of Sally laying down on a stretcher and being rushed to the emergency room.

Kaya malamang nasa hospital kanina si Jimin, para sa girlfriend niya, para kay Kang Sally. He was still very thoughtful… I couldn't help but remember how BTS all got rattled over my simple dysmenorrhoea. They were all so thoughtful to be honest.

'Sally of Bubbles fainted due to over fatigue practicing for the Bubbles final stage performance.'

And an image again of Sally, being captured while dancing, nasa stage siya at kitang-kita ang pagod sa napakaganda niyang mukha. Sweats were all over her face too, showing her hard work but despite that, she still looked so beautiful.

Sinabi rin sa article na marami ang mga taong ipinapanalanging maging maayos na siya, some Softies were even demanding SMT to give Bubbles a break while Bighit Entertainment sent their concerns, also prayers for Sally.

It was just a mere exhaustion but they were all acting like she had some deadly disease… but then I also thought, Sally was a special person. Bukod sa isa siyang K-Pop idol na may maraming nagmamahal na fans ay girlfriend din siya ni Park Jimin, natural lang na mag-alala ang Bighit sa kaniya.

"Why am I even reading this?" natatawang sabi ko sa sarili ko at bago ko pa man maisantabi ang phone ko ay bumukas na ang pinto ng kuwarto namin ni Eve at iniluwa si Bien.

"Seol…"

"Seol-ah!"

Nilingon ko si Key nang marinig kong tinawag niya ako habang inaalis sa isipan ko ang mga ala-ala ng nangyari kanina bago kami magtungo nina Bien at Eve dito. Yes, even after all those years, hindi ko pa rin talaga maiwasang makakita ng mga balita tungkol kay Jimin at Sally, o kahit na sa buong BTS. They were always just all over my feeds every time they would be on showbiz news.

I didn't know. I didn't know why fate was still doing this to me, I had long ago let go of all that had happened in the past, I had long ago stopped playing with fate. It was exhausting and destructing.

Nagtataka ang mga matang tinitigan ko si Key na ngayon ay naka-akbay na kay Jillian habang hawak sa isang kamay ang lata ng beer. Si Jillian naman ay nakikipag-usap sa babaeng kasama ni Sean since magkatabi rin sila at napapagitnaan ng dalawang lalaki. Mukhang nagkakasundo ang dalawang babae, pareho silang maganda. Hindi na nakakapagtaka iyon dahil matataas naman talaga ang standard ng mga lalaki ito.

Jillian and Key were so close to each other, while only sitting at that matter. Mahihiya ang salitang 'space' sa kanila, sa totoo lang.

"Your phone's been ringing…" Key told me. Saka ko pa lang narinig ang pamilyar na ringtone ng phone ko na pumupuno sa tahimik na sala dahil halos lahat sila ay nakatitig na sa akin.

Hinanap ko ang phone ko sa loob ng bag kong nasa tabi ko lang at nang makitang si Chelsea ang tumatawag ay sinulyapan kong muli silang lahat. "I'm sorry but I'm getting a call from the Philippines." I apologetically told them.

"Go ahead, Seol. It must be important," banayad na sabi sa akin ni Bien at bahagya rin akong tinanguan. Lumayo muna ako sa kanila para sagutin ang tawag ni Chelsea.

Something must have happened at Eve's Manila. Buntis siya kaya baka nahihirapan siyang i-handle ang restaurant, though there were trustworthy staffs there that she could seek help from, hindi pa rin ako puwedeng mapalagay.

"Chels—"

["HANSELLE?! OH MY G-GOSH, good thing you answered, shit! Papatayin ko talaga iyang K-Kuya mo… aaah, huuu, gosh, little guys, be easy on M-Mommy! H-Hanselle!"] Ang nagpa-panic na boses ni Chelsea ang unang bumungad sa akin. And I thought I already knew what it was. I thought I already knew what was happening to her. Dahil bukod sa halatang-halata naman sa pinagsisigaw niya, nangyari na sa akin ang ganoon.

Crap, it wasn't easy but this wasn't the right time for her to be just screaming and wasting her strength!

Napasapo ako sa batok ko saka bumuntong-hininga para hindi ko masabayan ang pag-pa-panic niya dahil hindi iyon makakatulong sa kalagayan niya ngayon.

"C-Chels, you need to calm down. Stop moving, stop screaming for God's sake!" sabi ko sa kaniya nang marinig ko na naman ang pagsigaw niya. "Nasaan si Kuya Haynes?" dagdag kong tanong.

["I won't be c-calling you if I know where the hell is your brother, Hanselle! Ah, shit, manganganak na ako, Hanselle! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!"] Hindi pa rin siya humuhupa sa kakasigaw at mukhang mas lalo pang natataranta. Ah, this wouldn't do. She needed to calm down now or else she would put both herself and the babies in danger. Isa pa, kung magpapatuloy siya sa pagsigaw niya, mawawalan siya ng lakas mamaya kapag mag-li-labor na siya!

Hindi ko napigilang marahang i-untog ang noo ko sa dingding na nasa gilid ko habang humihigpit ang hawak ko sa phone ko. I knew this. I knew how hard it was, I knew how scary it was and how painful it was, because I had been there. At mas lalong mahirap dahil mag-isa lang siya!

"Chels, where's Mister Ramos?" tanong ko sa kaniyang tinutukoy ay ang manager ng Eve's Manila. I thought, maybe she was at the office because she was one stubborn pregnant woman. Sinubukan kong pakalmahin ang tono ng boses ko para malaman niyang kailangan niyang maging kalmado.

I could even hear her harsh and hard intake of breaths. Nasaan ba kasi si Kuya Haynes? His wife was near to labor and he was no where to be found! Dapat ay parati siyang reachable para sa mga ganitong pagkakataon! Masyadong maselan ang pagbubuntis ng best friend ko dahil parehong mahina ang kapit ng mga bata sa sinapupunan niya. What if her water bag broke? Crap, she needed to be in the hospital!

["H-Hanselle, hindi ko na magagawa pang hanapin ang mga taong tinutukoy mo, please, ma-masakit na talaga…"] Unti-unting humina ang boses ni Chelsea pero sobrang layo noon sa pagiging kalmado. Her voice was shivering and almost fading away.

This wasn't good anymore. Mas pinangungunahan siya ng takot at kaba, at hindi ko alam kung tama bang mawalan siya ng malay sa mga oras na ito, I thought she needed to be conscious for her babies.

"You need to ask people to bring you to the hospital, Chelsea! Nasa opisina ka ba…" I cursed mentally when I remembered that we had our office soundproofed! "Chelsea, ibababa ko muna ang tawag para tawagan si Mister Ramos. Calm down and breathe properly. Follow the practices your OB taught you, okay? Okay?!"

Mabilis akong tumuwid ng tayo at sinuklay ang buhok ko gamit ang isa kong kamay. I just hoped Eve's manager was reachable. Malapit lang sa pinto ng office ang counter kung nasaan madalas si Bret kaya mas mabuting siya ang tawagan ko.

["No, Hanselle! You can't disconnect with me! Shit!"]

Marahas akong umiling bago ko pinatay ang tawag, ipinapanalanging sana ay maging maayos siya kahit hanggang sa maka-usap ko lang si Bret. Mabilis kong di-nial ko ang numero ng manager ng Eve's. Luckily and very fortunately, he answered immediately.

"Yes, Miss Hanselle?" bungad niya, halatang wala pa ngang alam sa mga nangyayari kay Chelsea sa loob ng office.

"Listen carefully to me, Bret. Chelsea's inside our office. Call an ambulance after this call and rush to Chelsea. She might deliver her babies in the office! Please, please, Bret! Tatawagan ko si Kuya Haynes pagkatapos nito. Please, Bret, don't let anything bad happen to them." That was it and I immediately ended the call so I could call my brother.

I trusted that the trustworthy and smart manager of Eve's would help my best friend. Hindi na rin naman siya iba sa amin. He had been with us ever since Eve's had been established. He was just a crew back then but when Chelsea got pregnant, she stepped down her position and found Bret to replace her instead.

Isa pa, may tiwala ako sa kaniya hindi lang bilang isang empleyado kung hindi isang kaibigan, he was trustworthy.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang ang mga numero naman ni Kuya Haynes ang di-nial ko. I didn't know anymore, nag-pa-panic na rin ako. Chelsea had Mister Ramos' number but maybe because of panic, it was me who had first come to her mind. Siguro ay sinubukan na rin niyang tawagan si Kuya Haynes at nang hindi niya ito makontak ay sa akin na siya lumapit.

Halos mapamura ako nang tanging boses ng babaeng nag-bo-voicemail lang ang narinig ko sa kabilang linya. I tried it again but the same voicemail answered kung kaya't tinawagan ko si Mamang. I informed her about Chelsea's situation.

Sinabi naman niyang ba-biyahe sila agad ni Papang pa-Manila.

I hoped Chelsea would be fine. I hoped she would deliver her babies fine. I hoped she and her babies would come out fine. I actually kind of pity Kuya Haynes for missing this very important event in his wife and newborn babies' lives.

Noon ay pinangarap kong kasama ko ang lalaking mahal ko para silipin ang pregnancy test kit para sa test na gagawin ko, hindi iyon nangyari pero nangarap akong muli. Pinangarap kong kasama ang lalaking mahal ko sa tuwing checkup at ultrasound session na dadaluhan ko. That again didn't happen that was why I had tried… I had tried so hard to make my last dream happen. Pinangarap kong nasa tabi ko ang lalaking mahal ko sa oras ng paninikip ng puson ko, sa oras ng pagputok ng panubigan ko at sa oras ng pag-li-labor ko.

Ginawa ko ang lahat noon para kahit na iyon man lang ang mangyari sa lahat ng mga pinangarap ko pero siguro nga, nakatakdang ibang mga tao ang makasama ko sa mga pangyayaring iyon at hindi ang lalaking mahal ko.

Kaya… kaya naiinis ako kay Kuya Haynes. Nandoon dapat siya at kasama ni Chelsea. His wife and his babies were more important than his job!

"Han Seol-ah."

Napasinghap ako dahil sa mainit na hiningang bumundol sa batok ko at sa mga palad na banayad na humaplos sa mga braso ko pero mas nagulat ako nang may kasabay na sinok ang singhap na ginawa ko saka ko pa lang din napansin ang pamamasa ng mga pisngi ko. I confusedly brought my hand to my cheeks only to find them wet… did I cry?

"Are you crying?" Bien's soft and sweet voice soothed my ear as he smoothly held my arms and gently spun me around so that I could face him. Kumunot ang noo niya nang titigan niya ang mga mata ko. Concern immediately reflected through those small eyes he possessed.

Pinunasan ko ang pisngi ko at bahagyang humalakhak para ipakitang hindi ko planong umiyak. "Chelsea called. I think she's near to labor but no one's around her, even my brother and I'm worried," sagot ko sa mahinang tinig at tunog nagsusumbong.

Hinawakan niya ang mga braso ko para pahintuin ako sa pagpunas sa mga pisngi ko at siya na mismo ang tumuyo ng mga luha ko gamit ang hinlalaking daliri ng mga kamay niya, marahan rin niyang hinaplos ang mga mata ko at hinipan.

"So how's she?" he asked thoughtfully, his voice soothing my upset insides.

"I trust that Bret brought her to the hospital. We can't contact my brother," sagot ko.

"She must be fine now. Don't worry," malambing niyang sabi.

I noticed his tone as the same tone he was using when he was sweet talking to my daughter. Tumango ako at hinayaan siya nang dumulas ang mga kamay niya sa likod ako. He lightly pulled me closer to his body and softly wrapped his arms around me, once again giving me the protection from all the pain and stigmas I was throwing myself into.

I was a wrecked girl, a woman who was a trash of another man but with him, he could always make me feel like I was the most loved and precious woman existing. Just how lucky I was?

Pumikit ako para lang bigyang-daan ang mga luhang namumuo sa mga mata ko dahil sa comfort na ipinaparamdam niya sa akin, amoy na amoy ko ang mabango niyang amoy saka kusang kumapit ng mahigpit ang mga kamay ko sa gilid ng damit niya. I didn't mind wetting his shirt with my shameful tears because I needed this. I needed his comfort to cry all of my pains away.

"Ssh, Seol-ah, stop hurting, please." He softly begged at me while smoothly caressing my back, making me cry even more. His whispers of beg touched the deepest of my heart, it felt like it would devastate me to see him disappointed and it felt like I couldn't afford to fail him.

For him, I would stop hurting.

Sabay kaming nagpakawala ni Aly ng malalim na buntong-hininga matapos naming maka-usap si Kuya Haynes through Skype at sinabi niyang maayos namang na-isilang ni Chelsea ang kambal nila.

Chelsea delivered two healthy baby boys as expected. At siyempre, tuwang-tuwa si Papang. He even called the babies his first grand children. Masakit iyon para sa akin gayong si Eve ang una nilang apo ni Mamang pero kasalanan ko naman. It was for hiding Eve from them. This was just one of the things I was depriving Eve.

I knew my parents, they were not the types to send me away or cut connections with me if they had found out that I was pregnant before, but it was my shame that drove me to the decision of keeping my pregnancy and my daughter from my parents.

How could I really give my parents one big disappointment when they had done nothing but to trust me?

Sinabon din ni Papang ng sobrang daming sermon si Kuya Haynes dahil sa pagiging cannot be reached nito kagabi. Nasa isang meeting with a client pala si Kuya kagabi kaya nakapatay ang phone niya at alam iyon ni Chelsea. Mabuti na lang talaga at mabilis ang naging aksiyon ni Bret sa mga nangyari. He didn't call for an ambulance just to wait, he had brought my best friend to the hospital himself. Inaamin kong hindi ko naisip ang bagay na iyon dahil sa panic kagabi pero nagpapasalamat talaga ako kay Bret sa pagiging logical niya.

"Grabe, mabuti na lang talaga safe na nanganak si Chelsea. I'm sleepy," ani Aly habang sumasandal sa swivel chair niya rito sa office niya at nagi-stretch. Dahil sa mga nangyari ay halos puyat kaming lahat sa bahay kagabi dahil sa kahihintay na manganak si Chelsea. Kaninang umaga lang siya nanganak. She needed to wait for hours inside the delivery room for the expected dilation.

"You should take a nap. Marami ka pa bang gagawin?" I asked her, sitting comfortably at her red long couch.

She yawned as she threw a sleepy stare to me. "Sort of, pero siguro iidlip muna ako," sagot niya.

Tinanguan ko na lang siya at hinayaan nang maka-idlip dahil mukhang kailangang-kailangan niya iyon. Since kaniya ang branch na ito ay kaniya rin itong office. She had this designed for her own personal taste.

Red and white ang main motif ng buong silid, puti para sa lahat ng dingding, kisame, blind windows at mga pinto. Pulang plain carpet naman ang tinatapakan namin, pula ang mesa niya, pula ang sets ng couch, pula ang ilan pang personal equipments na makikita sa buong silid. Total contrast of Eve's main motif, dahil bland at dull ang kulay ng Eve's. Combination of white, brown and black. Si Evah ang mismong nagdesisyon ng magiging hitsura ng Eve's noon. Fixed na ito maliban sa pangalan noong i-propose sa amin ni Evah ang business.

"Nga pala, kailan ang balik mo sa Pinas? Pinapatanong ni Em kung maaabutan mo pa raw ba iyong premiere night ng movie niya. She wants us to attend," aniya na akala ko ay umiidlip na. Nakasandal pa rin siya sa swivel chair niya at nakatingala.

"When is it?" kunot-noong tanong ko.

Isang linggo lang talaga ang balak kong pagi-stay rito gaya ng madalas kong ginagawa sa tuwing nagpupunta ako rito, but I could extend whenever I wanted it.

"Sa Linggo. People are already talking about the movie actually. Si Em ba naman ang bibida. I'm sure, this will really be a hit again like her last movie," proud na sabi ni Aly habang nangingiti.

Hindi ko rin mapigilang ngumiti. I then remembered the very first time I had been into Em's live performance before, six years ago. Hindi pa siya sikat noon at umaarte pa lang siya sa isang maliit na teatro. And look where she was now, she was now one of the in-demand actresses. Hindi lang iyon, naihanay na rin siya sa linya ng mga artistang nagma-manage ng negosyo.

A Bachelorette Actress.

Masasabi kong sa aming lahat, siya ang pinaka-successful, though they still had a lot of issues in their personal lives. Their families. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin yata nila nakakasundo ang mga pamilya nila. They didn't take effort to reach out, maybe because they thought, they were capable of living without their family.

I hoped they realized the true essence of family though.

"Puwede naman akong magpa-book ng flight sa Lunes," sabi ko.

"Why don't you just stay here for good? Nandito si Chan, she'd want you to stay here and be with her. You can manage Eve's in the Philippines while you're here. Hindi ka ba napapagod magpabalik-balik?" Umayos siya ng upo, tila nawala na ang antok at nasa akin na ang buong atensyon.

"Hindi naman. You know I can't leave Chelsea there…" Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at itinoon na lang ang tingin ko sa magazine stand na katabi lang ng long couch na kina-uupuan ko. It was very tempting, and at this time of my life, I couldn't get my greed once again take over the logical part of my mind. I was don't being greedy.

I took a random magazine from the magazine stand and settled it on my lap, looking at the front cover just to avoid any eye contact with her. I lightly gaped my mouth open when I saw the front cover of the magazine. What a coincidence!

"We both know that's not the real reason, Hanselle," aniya sa nanunuyang tono ngunit hindi ko siya malingon dahil okupado ang atensyon ko ng magazine na nakuha ko. Kunot-noong hinaplos ko ang mga numerong nasa ibabang parte ng pahina.

'0823'

I remembered that date. August twenty-third… I remembered very vividly how Jimin had ruined my life that day, how he had made me realize that I could no longer save the love story we had back then. I remembered it all vividly. I remembered how I had accepted all of it while delivering Eve. I remembered how I had just watched my long time dream fade away right in front my eyes, I remembered feeling as if being awaken from a long time dream, I had called it beautiful dream back then.

He was my beautiful dream.

"Sasamahan ka namin, Hanselle," pasya ni Aly nang lumabas ako ng silid matapos mag-ayos at maabutan ko silang nakabihis na rin. Aly stared at my stomach that was now at its peak, before turning to Evah and Em who were all looking worriedly at me.

I wanted to do this. I needed to do this for the last time for my baby.

Puwedeng umuwi na naman akong bigo gaya ng madalas na mangyari pero kung hindi ko ito gagawin, baka isilang ko ang anak kong walang kinikilalang ama. Baka kapag nagkataon, tuluyan na akong walang mukhang maihaharap sa mga magulang ko.

I didn't need Jimin to love me again, I just wanted him to accept our baby.

"Thanks," pigil-iyak na sabi ko sa kanila dahil nahihirapan na talaga akong magpigil ng emosyon at madalas akong takutin ni Evah na ikakapangit ng baby ko ang pag-iyak ko.

Maaga nilang isinara ang Eve's ngayong araw dahil may plano pala silang samahan ako. May pre-recording ngayon ang BTS sa MBC Show, doon ang punta ko dahil nagbabakasali akong makita ko si Jimin at maka-usap.

Gagawin ko ang lahat para lang makausap siya. I wouldn't let this day pass like how I had let those times that I tried talk to talk to him but I hadn't met him.

Naging sobrang layo na niya sa akin. Ni hindi ko na siya puwedeng basta maka-usap na lang kaya madalas ay nagpupunta ako sa mga pre-recording nila, sa mga events at mga award shows para lang magbaka-sakaling maka-usap siya.

Thanks to Evah, we had got tickets. Kahit na nag-resign na siya sa pagtatrabaho sa MBC ay may contact pa rin naman siya sa mga taong nasa loob.

"Hey, stay here first! Narinig mo naman iyong sinabi ni Em, 'di ba? Wala silang susunod na schedule after nito. Let's just wait for him, okay?" saway sa akin ni Aly sa kalagitnaan ng napaka-ingay na paligid dahil kanina pa ako hindi mapakali at gusto ko na talagang makita at maka-usap si Jimin.

I just didn't know how Em knew about BTS schedule but I thought, that naturally came when you were starting to work in the same field with them.

Hindi pa lumalabas ang BTS dahil may ibang grupo pa ang nasa stage. Narito rin ngayon ang Bubbles ngunit wala ang LUX at Hunters marahil ay may ibang schedule ang mga ito.

"Aly, hindi ko alam pero kinakabahan ako," mahinang sabi ko, malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko at para akong maiiyak.

"You have to calm down, Hanselle. Kabuwanan mo na kaya hindi ka dapat nag-iisip ng kung ano. Don't stress yourself too much. Kumalma ka riyan at dadalhin namin sa'yo iyong tatay ng anak mo," kalmadong sabi ni Evah pero nasa tinig ang pag-aalala.

"She's right. You shouldn't even be here in this crowded and noisy place, baka makasama kay baby," sabat ni Em at binigyan ako ng nanenermong tining.

Bumuntong-hininga ako at kinalma ang sarili ko.

Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas at nang sa wakas ay tinawag na ang BTS, halos hindi ako mapakali sa kinauupuan ko. May kalayuan ang puwesto namin mula sa stage pero kitang-kita ko siya dahil siya lang ang natatanging itim ang buhok gayong blonde ang kulay ng buhok ng mga kasama niya.

They performed, they performed their new songs. Ilang buwan na ang lumipas simula noong comeback nila, they had been into tours and guestings, even interviews, at sa lahat ng iyon ay nakasubaybay ako sa kanila.

The host interviewed them after they performed… that was with Bubbles. At habang ngumingiti siya sa pagsagot sa bawat katanungan kasabay ng mga sigawan ay unti-unti ring humihilab ang tiyan ko.

The smile he was giving the audience was not helping my aching heart and my tightening stomach. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mas pagtutuunan ko ng pansin, ang pagsakit ng dibdib ko o ang paghilab ng tiyan ko.

Maging nang maglakad si Jimin patungo kay Sally at hawakan ang kamay nito ay naging napakalabo na lang sa paningin ko dahil sa mga luhang namumuo sa mga mata ko dahil sa pinagsamang sakit ng dibdib ko at tiyan ko. At nang hindi ko na kinakaya ang sakit ay napakapit ako sa katabi kong si Evah.

I tightly gripped her arm as I frowned because of the pain while letting my tears stream down my cheeks, still looking at the father of my baby holding someone else's hand while smiling sweetly.

"What's happening, Hanselle?" Evah asked me, worriedly.

"Sumasakit a-ang tiyan ko," naiiyak kong sagot.

And that night, that night was both my most painful downfall and happiest moment in life.

Ironic, really.

Ang larawan nina Jimin at Sally ang front cover ng magazine na nasa kandungan ko. May caption ito sa linggwaheng Korean. Noong hindi pa ako natututo ng Hangul ay hindi ko binibigyang pansin ang mga ganito.

'Official.
Real This Time.
0823'

Ang cover ng magazine na ito ay kuha noong araw ring iyon, noong araw na huli kong nakita si Jimin kasama si Sally na sobrang saya. The exact day when I had delivered my daughter.

A smiling Park Jimin while holding Sally's hand who was also smiling so widely and sweetly at the stage, they had looked so perfect that time, and painful. Kasabay ng pag-amin nila sa lahat ng taong sila na, officially, ay ang pagsilang ko kay Eve.

The exact day when I had acknowledged the fact that even if I had tried many times to get him back, when he was already in love with someone else, it would only be useless. So I had decided to stop and just focus my life to my daughter. I had decided to raise my daughter alone.

Without Jimin in her life, in our lives.