Chapter Thirty-four

"She has got a very gorgeous yet so mysterious boyfriend! Tatahi-tahimik pero may love life naman pala!" Aly wasn't yet done teasing me. Pinag-uuntog niya ang tig-isang chopsticks na hawak niya habang binibigyan ako ng pang-asar na tingin.

Mas nauna siyang naka-uwi kaysa sa akin dahil kumain pa kami ni Jimin sa labas. Hindi ko naman masabi sa kanila iyon kaya sinusubukan kong kainin ang mga prutas na nakahanda sa mesa, sinabi ko na lang sa kanilang diet ako.

Umiling-iling ako habang nagpapalipat-lipat kina Em at Evah ang tingin ko. "No, no. He isn't my boyfriend yet!" I denied again. Hindi ko gustong i-deny si Jimin ngunit hindi ko rin naman puwedeng sabihin na boyfriend ko siya gayong wala pa naman talaga kaming napag-uusapan tungkol doon.

Mas lalong lumalad ang ngiti ni Aly na tipong tuwang-tuwa talagang ina-asar ako. Kanina pa siya, simula nang dumating ako at sumalo sa kanila rito sa hapag kahit na kumain na ako.

"So he's really someone that you're romantically linked with? Omo! Ipakilala mo naman kami!" Aly nudged me. Idinudutdot niya sa mukha ko ang hawak isang chopstick na mukhang hindi napapansin ang ginagawa niya sa akin.

Ngumuso ako habang inilalayo sa kaniya ang mukha ko. Ayaw ko pang mawalan ng mga mata dahil lang natusok niya ng chopsticks. She was unconsciously being so brutal, seriously.

Kung puwede nga lang Aly e. Gusto kong ipakilala siya sa inyo para hindi na ako mahirapan sa pagsisinungaling pero hindi puwede kasi may career siyang kailangang pangalagaan.

"Soon," simpleng sagot ko para matahimik na siya dahil kung patuloy ko lang idi-deny ay hindi siya titigil.

"Guwapo ba? Curious ako," biglang sabi ni Em na kanina pa rin ngumingiti dahil sa pang-aasar sa akin ni Aly. Sila ni Evah ang magkatabi sa harap namin ni Aly. Puno ng kung anu-anong gulay ang pinggan niya katulad ni Evah. They all ate vegetables but Evah and Em were the most vegetarians. Parang hindi sila mabubuhay ng walang gulay sa hapag.

Seriously, how could they eat that bitterly weird taste of those green leaves? No offense, pero nasusuka ako, iisipin ko pa lang.

Mabilis na tumango si Aly. "Kahit na naka-mask siya at cap, halatang guwapo! Iyong mukha? Ang kinis, mukhang rich daddy!" hindi mapakaling sabi ni Aly. Malapad ang pagkakangiti at sa wakas ay ibinaba na ang chopsticks at inipit sa mga labi niya.

Napangiwi ako sa tinawag niya kay Jimin. What? Rich Daddy? Why did that sound erotically absurd? Jimin wasn't something like that, he was anything but a soft and very lovable young man, rich maybe, but Daddy...?

ALYSSA!

Ramdam ko ang pag-iinit ng magkabilang pisngi ko dahil doon. Dalawang taon lang naman ang tanda sa akin ni Jimin, at hindi ko alam kung saan nakuha ni Aly ang ideyang iyon.

"Mask at cap? Artista ba iyang boyfriend mo, Hanselle? Ang weird ha!" Evah suddenly said, unaware of her own question because she was busy with her phone while her cup of tea was on her other hand.

Natahimik kaming lahat dahil doon. I just stared at my cup of white coffee while both Em and Aly just gawked at me. Ang mga mata nila ay napuno kaagad ng reyalisasyon. The both stared at me as if both agreeing to what Evah said.

Oh no... no! 'Di porket may mask at cap ay artista na agad? Paano ko ngayon idi-deny ang katotohanang iyon? Hindi ko napigilan ngumuso sa wala pa ring muwang na si Evah. Look at what she had put me into!

Kinabahan ako nang unti-unting manlaki ang mga mata nina Aly at Em dahil sa tagal kong sumagot. At dahil si Aly ang katabi ko ay madali lang niyang nahawakan ang magkabilang balikat ko, hinarap ako sa kaniya at pinagyuyugyog ako.

"DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE DATING AN ACTOR?!" gulat niyang tanong habang ina-alog ang buong pagkatao ko.

Mariin akong pumikit. Magsisinungaling na naman ako. Ito ba? Ito ba ang dulot sa akin ng pagmamahal ng isang idol? I need to always lie? Nang buksan ko ang mga mata ko ay sinalubong ko ang nagtatanong na mga mata ni Aly. "Hindi siya actor," eksasperada kong sagot.

"Then he must be an idol!" magkasabay na hula nina Em at Aly. I really admired them for being too observant! Ganoon kadali lang nilang nahulaan!

I cautiously bit my lower lip as I quickly turned my gaze away from each of their gazes. Pinansin ko na lang ang mga prutas na kinakain ko kanina habang nag-iisip kung ano pa ang mga kaya kong gawin para kay Jimin, para sa aming dalawa.

If protecting Jimin meant I needed to lie all over again, then I didn't mind lying. I couldn't afford to ruin Jimin's career just because of this relationship. I was not lying to my friends just because I wanted to but because I needed to.

Gagawin ko ito dahil kailangan. I could even go far just for him. Ngayon pa ba na inamin niya sa aking mahal niya ako? Tatanggapin ko ang pagiging istupida ng paulit-ulit kasi si Jimin iyon. Kaya kong tiisin ang kaunting oras na ma-ilalaan niya sa akin. Kaya kong tiisin sila pareho ni Sally sa screen. Kaya kong tiisin ang mga fans nilang pinagtutulakan sila sa isa't isa, kasi si Park Jimin iyon.

For him, I would endure because again, him loving me was more than enough for me to risk everything I had.

Hindi ko na lang sila sinagot at hinayaan silang manghula nang manghula ng mga K-Pop idols na kilala nila. Nakakatawa lang kasi binanggit na yata nila lahat ng K-Pop idols pero hindi pa nila binabanggit ang BTS gayong bukam-bibig nila ang mga ito noong mga nakaraang araw. At talagang malakas ang paniniwala nilang idol ang boyfriend ko.

I would let them believe what they wanted to believe. Pero hanggang doon lang. Hihintayin ko na lang ang tadhana sa plano nito.

Go with the flow...

"Hanselle, pupunta ba rito ngayon iyong boyfriend mong idol?" Aly asked me for the umpteenth time as I approached her to give her the orders.

The Bunnies wasn't very loaded today, weekday kasi at saka magtatanghali pa lang. Mamayang lunch all the way to dinner ang pinaka-peak since meryenda time na rin. Si Dae na kasama ni Aly sa counter ay busy sa pagmi-mix ng kape.

I rolled my eyes at her. Hindi ko na talaga hahayaan pang tumapak ulit dito si Jimin. Only God knew what would Aly do to him if he would go here again!

"If he's an idol, then he must be really busy now to even visit me here, and how many times should I tell you that he isn't my boyfriend?" sagot ko sa kaniya habang tinititigan si Dae dahil iyong mini-mix niya ang hinihintay kong order. Sa kaniya kasi pinasa ni Aly ang order dahil balak makipag-tsismisan sa akin ng babaeng ito.

Well, seemed like Dae didn't have a say to whatever Aly told him to do. Napapansin ko nga na masyado siyang masunurin kay Aly. Kung minsan nga ay iniiwan siyang mag-isa ni Aly rito pero okay lang sa kaniya.

He was too submissive and too nice, actually. Dalawa lang naman silang lalaki ni Jung dito. Si Jung ay napapansin kong medyo bad boy. Kung hindi ba naman sa napakaraming itim na hikaw niya sa mga tainga niya at iyong permanent tattoo niya sa mga braso. Madalas nga siyang katakutan ng mga babaeng customers, plus there were guys who would often laugh at him because of our uniform that looked too soft and very feminine for him. Mukhang wala lang naman sa kaniya iyon.

Muli kong binalingan si Aly nang tumikhim siya at naabutan kong nakangisi. No signs of giving me a break from her teases.

Hindi ko pa boyfriend si Jimin. Gaya nga ng paulit-ulit kong sinasabi ay wala pa kaming label. I believed we still needed to have words to officially declare our relationship. Sa ngayon, okay na ako sa walang label basta mahal niya ako. At saka, mas gusto kong sa kaniya mismo manggaling, at kapag nangyari iyon, I could only give a tongue out to Sally and to all their shippers.

Hmp!

Gumaganti ba ang isang ito dahil sa pang-aasar ko sa kaniya roon sa regular customer ng Bunnies that turned out to be her regular admirer? Speaking of, hindi ko pa namamataan ang lalaking iyon dito ngayong araw.

Thinking of it, hindi nga pala namin alam kung student ba iyon o working?

"Tse! Ganoon din iyon! Mauuwi rin kayo roon," pagpupumilit pa rin niya.

Umiling na lang ako dahil sumingit na sa amin si Dae at inilapag na ang tray kung nasaan ang isang mug ng kape. Kinuha ko iyon, binigyan ko na lang sila ng tango bago sila iniwan para ihatid na ang order.

Madalas tumawag sa akin si Jimin. Hindi ko nga alam kung sino ang mas busy sa amin e. Ako ba na hamak na waitress lang o siya na isang sikat na idol? He had got all the time to call me and I didn't have all the time to answer his calls. Kahit na hindi naman gaanong dagsa ang mga customers dito sa Bunnies ay hindi pa rin ako puwedeng humawak ng phone sa oras ng trabaho so I would only ignore his calls and let it ring my phone.

Kahit na minsan ay natutukso na akong dukutin ang phone ko sa bulsa ng pink kong tight jeans. Since jeans type ang bottom part ng uniform dito, for both girls and boys.

I was still not asking for his explanation. Natatakot kasi ako. I trusted his words and I was afraid he would tell me truths that would pain my heart again. There was always a time for that. Hindi naman ako nagmamadali, isa pa, ang mahalaga, maayos na kami. Our feelings could be over the truth. It was what mattered.

Manghihingi ako ng eksplenasiyon sa kanila kapag handa na ako, kapag painproof na ang puso ko at kapag sigurado na akong wala ng aagaw kay Jimin sa akin.

Sorry, but I was greedier with the things, persons rather that I thought I owned. Jimin was now my most precious possession. I would die for him.

Kinagabihan, sabay-sabay kaming kumain sa bahay dahil pare-pareho kaming maagang nakauwi, mabuti na lang at hindi namin naisipang kumain ni Aly dahil balak niyang magluto ng Tinola. That was after she remembered all the ingredients we had in the kitchen. Pagkatapos ay tumambay muna kami sa sala habang nanonood ng TV, currently, a TV show was airing. Since I was not familiar with it, nakikisabay na lang ako kapag tumatawa sila dahil sa ginagawa ng mga hosts.

Bumili ako ng ilang box ng paborito kong banana yogurt. Pinagsasaluhan namin iyong apat. Si Aly ang katabi ko sa sofa habang busy siya sa kakalikot sa phone niya. Si Evah at Em ay mas piniling sa sahig na lang ma-upo, sila ang mas tutok sa telebisyon.

"OH MY GOSH! OMO! OMO! GOSH!"

Pare-parehong naagaw ng sumisigaw na si Aly ang atensyon namin. Both Em and Evah turned their heads towards us. Habang ako ay nagtatakang nilingon si Aly habang kagat-kagat ko ang straw ng inumin ko at kunot-noong tinitigan siya.

Nanlalaki ang mga matang pinaglipat-lipat ni Aly ang tingin niya sa akin at sa phone niya. As if something really surprising was on her phone and on my face. And that something was making her look at me like that.

"That's why you looked familiar! Hanselle! Mag-side view ka nga ulit habang sumisipsip ka sa straw! Bilis!" malakas ang boses na sabi ni Aly sa akin habang nanlalaki pa rin ang medyo may kasingkitan niyang mga mata.

"Huh?" takang tanong ko sa kaniya saka ko inilapag ang inumin ko sa gilid ng inuupuan ko dahil nalilito ako sa gusto niyang gawin ko.

"Ano na naman ba iyang kalokohan mo, Aly?" Em confusedly asked her. Nagkakamot siya ng ulo. She looked so done with Aly. Si Evah ay nanatiling tahimik at nakatitig lang kay Aly.

"Sabi ko na nakita na natin si Hanselle e! Just look at the television while sipping on the yogurt, Hanselle! From here, I'm seeing your side view which is exactly the same view you had here." she put her phone down on the table while her gaze was not leaving me.

We all gawked at her phone where a familiar photo was on the screen. Matagal kong tinitigan ang larawan na mukhang kuha ng screenshot sa isang social media site. Unti-unting luminaw sa akin ang lahat nang makilala ko ang larawan.

Nag-angat rin ng tingin sa akin sina Evah at Em na tipong nagtatanong ng eksplenasiyon. Kahit sinong kakilala ko na makakakita ng larawan ay magtataka rin talaga lalo na at wala naman akong nababanggit sa kanila tungkol sa mga naka-engkwentro kong idols.

I bit my lower lip as I dragged my sight back to the phone from their confused stares.

"Don't tell me, si Jiro yung boyfriend mo?" Aly came out to a very crazy resolution. Nasa phone niya ang dating post ni Jiro noong nasa rooftop kami ng ospital. Iyong larawang bumulabog sa maraming Archers-Hunters fandom-at halos magpa-heart attack sa akin dahil sa dami ng indirect death threats na natanggap ko.

Not because I was with Jiro that day, not because he posted a photo of us together meant something between us. We were not even friends! At ayaw kong bigyan nila iyon ng maling interpretation.

Mabilis akong umiling. "Of course not!" segunda ko. There was no way!

Interesado man sa akin si Jiro, hindi iyon tulad ng love interest, panigurado na-entertain lang siya sa akin. Iyon lang iyon. Idol siya at maraming magagandang female idols na nakapaligid sa kaniya. Gaya ni Jimin na napapaligiran ng isang Sally. At hindi ako asyumera para isiping magkakagusto sa akin si Jiro. Not when we only met thrice in this lifetime, and I hoped, it wouldn't happen again.

"E bakit 'to? Jiro posted this almost a month ago. Ito yung post niyang nagpa-iyak sa marami niyang fans kasama ako! I even saved this photo 'cause I was too devastated too and ikaw pala ito?! Hanselle, what is the meaning of this? Si Jiro ba iyong nasa Bunnies noong nakaraan?" emosyonal na saad ni Aly ngunit wala naman siyang luha. She just sounded so hurt, I didn't know if she was faking it though. Ang dami naman kasi niyang gustong idol groups.

Umayos ako ng upo habang umiiling pa rin. Mabuti na lang at tahimik lang ang dalawa because I couldn't handle a triple Aly! Pero ramdam kong naghihintay rin sila ng eksplenasiyon mula sa akin. I had gotten so much secrets to them, and well lies, so I didn't plan to lie to them about this matter, dahil hindi ko naman kailangan magsinungaling para rito.

"Look, this photo was not what you think it is. Hindi si Jiro iyong nasa Bunnies, Aly at mas lalong hindi ko siya boyfriend. This happened when I got confined in the hospital and it happened that he was confined there too..." Huminga ako ng malalim para kumuha ng lakas ng loob para ipagpatuloy ang pagkukuwento.

Umayos ng upo si Evah na tipong interesado sa mga susunod ko pang sasabihin. Si Em ay nakatitig lang sa akin habang sumisipsip pa rin ng yogurt. Wala na ring pumansin ng TV. Mukhang mas gusto nila ang ang kung anumang mga lalabas sa bibig ko.

"I just went up the rooftop to get some fresh air. Nandoon din siya. At first, hindi ko alam na siya iyon. Until he approached me and well, talked to me. He just took a selca and accidentally took me as a photo bomber. That's it!" pagtatapos ko, talagang sinabi ko sa kanila kung paanong napadpad ako sa picture at totoo namang photo bomber lang ako roon. At hindi na nila kailangan pang malaman kung bakit ako na-confine at mukhang wala naman na sa isip nilang itanong ang tungkol sa bagay na iyon dahil mas interesado sila kay Jiro.

"Pero... pero look at his caption here!" Aly scrolled her phone and zoomed it to a certain caption. "Finally raw, may picture na siya kasama ka!" She hissed, feeling more affected when this happened a month ago.

Mariin akong pumikit habang nagpipigil ng inis dahil sa Jiro na iyon. That guy! At talagang hanggang dito ginugulo pa rin ako ng mga kalokohan niya! Ngayon ko lang nalaman na iyon pala ang ibig sabihin ng caption ng lalaking iyon. Hindi ko naman na kasi pinagka-abalahan pang alamin at kaya pala ganoon na lang ang pag-e-effort ng BTS na kuhanin ang atensyon ng media noon.

That brute!

"I swear, girls. That was nothing! That was just a ridiculous coincidence!" sabi ko para paniwalain silang wala naman talaga iyon.

Wala lang iyon sa akin! Well, not if it didn't affect me and the whole BTS before but thinking of it, talagang napaka-nonsense ni Jiro. I could only imagine the great chaos it brought Hunters, their Archers and their management.

"So that's why we really thought we have seen you somewhere," Evah said after a while, looking anywhere but me. Para bang may napagtanto siya.

"Hay naku, Aly! Tantanan mo na si Hanselle! She was just so lucky that she met Jiro! Wait, guwapo ba siya sa personal?" Em asked, her eyes blinking while she was nipping on her straw.

Muntikan na akong mapa-face-palmed pero para matahimik na sila ay ngumisi ako. "Sobra!" sagot ko na naging sanhi ng pagsisigawan nila.

Gigil na pinag-aalog pa ako ni Aly habang pinapaliguan ako ng... "Ang suwerte suwerte mo!"

What more kapag nalaman nilang tumira ako ng halos dalawang buwan sa bahay ng BTS? Na bukod doon ay may dalawa pang pagkakataong nakita ko si Jiro at tatlong beses na ring nag-cross ang landas namin ni Bien?

I might die with their strangles.

I first checked if I locked the door of the bathroom bago ko sinagot ang video call invitation ni Jimin. I still had to make an account so that I could give in his demands. He had asked if we could video call. I needed to have an account on Skype so that we could talk there. Since I deleted all of my social accounts before due to the rumors between Jiro and I, there were no accounts left in me. At hindi pa ako nakakagawang muli.

I didn't see the need not until now, I could only talk with Jimin through video calls when we were not together, since we were always not together because of their busy schedule.

Napangiti ako nang makita ko siya sa screen, but what touched my heart was when I saw where he was. Nasa silid siyang puro pink ang makikita. I really didn't like pink but I was starting to like it... very slightly.

"Hi!" Kumaway ako sa kaniya habang nakangiti pa rin ako ng malapad dahil nakikita ko na naman siya.

He smoothly brushed his blonde hair up using his one hand. Oh, that mannerism he got there! Sinabayan pa niya iyon ng lip-licked niyang madalas din niyang gawin. Crap that illegality. Alam kaya niyang sobrang hot ng ginagawa niyang iyon kaya madalas niyang ginagawa?

["H-hi,"] bati niya pabalik habang nagpipigil ng ngiti. Nandiyan na naman siya sa shy smile na iyan. Ever since he had built feelings for me, he started being shy. Kasi hindi naman siya ganyan noon makitungo sa akin.

He would look at my eyes and he would never look away. He would smile at me and he would never refused me a smile. He would stay near me and he would never hide from me.

Bigla ko tuloy naalala iyong sinabi noon ni RM: 'Jimin is cute in love'. So this was how an in love Jimin was. Tama nga si RM. Jimin was too cute in love! And crap, he was in love with me!

"You're in my room," sabi ko sa kaniya dahil napansin ko ang pastel pink na kapaligiran niya. Nasa likod niya ang ilang mga naglalakihang teddy bears ko na binili pa nila sa akin kasama ng buong kuwarto. There was El Handor, that big white teddy bear I loved the most.

Mas lalo siyang nagpigil ng ngiti. Yumuko pa siya para itago sa akin ang ngiting gustong kumawala sa mga labi niya. He then turned around checking the room.

["I miss you walking around here,"] aniya sa medyo paos na tinig. Kahapon pa paos ang boses niya. Though I understood that he was one of the vocals of BTS, I still didn't think he should overuse his voice. If only I could ask him not to sing for a week but I knew I couldn't. Para ko na ring sinabing itigil niya ang pangarap niya.

Ngumuso ako at ako naman ngayon ang nagpipigil ng ngiti dahil sa sinabi niya habang in-i-ignore ko ang mga tumatakbo sa isip ko. Bukod sa gumagaling siyang mag-ingles ay hindi siyang nahihiyang sabihin sa akin ang mga ganoong bagay.

For a shy guy in love like him, he sure was so vocal with his feelings.

"Who sleeps in that room now?" I asked him. Inayos ko ang pagkakahawak ko sa phone ko habang naka-upo ako sa ibabaw ng toilet lid sa loob ng banyo. Dito ko piniling kausapin si Jimin dahil paniguradong magigising ang mga kasama ko kapag sa labas.

Puwede na silang bumalik ni Taehyung sa kuwarto since sa kanila naman talaga iyon, pero bakit hindi pa rin nila pinapalitan ang disenyo ng buong silid?

Ang weird lang tingnan na may kuwarto sa bahay nilang puro pink ang kulay. Though, RM and Jin's room was a combination of pink and gray. Pink ang favorite color ni Jin, I just know since he had so many stuff that were pink in color.

Umiling siya na naging dahilan ng paggulo pa lalo ng kanina ay magulo na niyang buhok. So he had to brush it up again with his fingers while again, giving me a heart attack, licking slyly his lower lip.

["We kept this room vacant. We are still waiting for the owner."] His slow English was so cute.

Hindi ako mapapagod na hintayin ang bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. They were so worth it. Just like him. He was worth the wait. He was worth the risk. He was worth the time. And above all, he was worth the love.

Ano na lang ang iisipin ng mga ARMYs kapag ni-record ko ang video call namin na ito? Baka mabaliw sila. Baka magkaroon na ako ng hater clubs. Baka maging target na ako ng mga death threats. Uhh. Scary!

Hindi ko mapigilang suminghap at umiling-iling para itaboy ang isiping iyon.

["Yah! What are you thinking?"] kunot-noong tanong niya sa akin. Muli niyang sinuklay ang buhok niya gamit ang kamay niya. Magkausap nga pala kami. Nasa akin ang mga mata niya kaya paniguradong nakikita niya ang mga pinaggagawa ko.

Ibinalik ko ang ngiti ko sa kaniya at umiling. His light blonde hair seemed so good and soft to touch. Kapag nagkita kami, ang buhok talaga niya ang una kong hahawakan. Parang ang lambot-lambot kasi noon.

"Nothing. How's the others?" tanong ko sa kaniya nang maalala ko ang mga kaibigan niya. Medyo nagtatampo pa ako sa ibang member pero gaya ng sabi ko, handa akong makinig sa eksplenasyon nila, huwag lang muna ngayon. Isa pa, ayos na kami ni Jimin, gusto kong maging maayos rin sa kanila. Isasantabi ko muna ang tampo ko sa kanila.

He tilted his head as he stared intently at me with those soft and sparkling small smiling eyes. Hindi ako magsasawang titigan ang mga matang iyon, I could even go forever staring at his eyes.

["They are still b-breathing,"] simple niyang sagot. Not really adding up some information about his friends. Hindi ko naman na iyon inuntag pa dahil nagbukas siya ng panibagong topic. Luckily, no one of us was opening the topic about what had happened, why I left, why they lied-kept a secret from me and how we both did after everything.

Marami pa kaming napag-usapan. Tumagal ng halos dalawang oras ang pag-uusap namin. Puro kung anu-anong wala namang katuturan lang ang pinag-usapan namin. Para bang gusto lang naming tumagal pa na magkausap kami.

I didn't even want to end the call.

["Misseu."] He called me in the middle of our nonsense and trivial conversation. Mula sa pagkakangiti dahil sa nakakatawang sinabi niya ay sumeryoso ang mukha niya.

"Hm?" sabi ko, still smiling from the funny conversation.

["I want you to watch our p-performance. Or be in the dressing room like before. I-I just want you here beside me,"] seryoso niyang sabi. Na-iwang nasa tuktok ng noo niya ang isang palad niya dahil na-udlot sa pagsuklay sa buhok niya.

Tumitig ako sa mga mata niya through the thick screen of my phone. His eyes that never failed to drag me deeper my downfall. His eyes that were like a water I would love to dive into and still, the most beautiful eyes.

I really couldn't deny that he was my illegality. That even after all the realities he had shown me, he would stay as my beautiful dream. Siya iyong variable sa buhay kong ito na sobra kong kinakatakutan, because just like a dream, he could disappear from my eyes in just a blink.

I could lose him. At nakakatakot, nakakatakot kasi mahal na mahal ko na siya.

Of course, I wanted to see him. I want to be beside him. Gusto kong hindi siya nawawala sa paningin ko pero hindi kasi ngayon ang tamang panahon para roon. Our relationship had restrictions for now, and in order for us to survive, we needed to endure. At least, that was what I could only do to save this relationship, to keep this relationship working. Kasi kung paiiralin namin pareho ang mga gusto namin nang hindi nag-iingat, we might lose everything.

At ayaw ko siyang mawala. I was... I was happy with our current setup. I would always settle because it was him.

Bumuntong-hininga ako dahil nahihirapan akong makita ang pagsusumamo sa mga mata niya na para bang iisang sagot lang ang inaasahan niyang sasabihin ko ngunit kailangan ko siyang tanggihan sa ngayon. Pinigilan kong i-angat ang mga daliri ko para haplusin ang mukha niya sa screen.

The face of the only man I loved, in suffering.

"Jimin, for now, let's be contented with what we are getting from each other. I'm fine with just like this. As long as I know that you're there, as long as I know that you're mine, I'm fine," sabi ko sa kaniyang binibigyang diin ang bawat salita para maintindihan niya.

["But I want you here beside me."] Ngumuso siya saka malungkot akong tinitigan. His freaking red and wet plump lips stuck out!

Langya, Jimin! Pasalamat ka at nandiyan ka! Pasalamat ka at wala ka rito sa tabi ko. You can't go teasing me like that! You're still my weakness!

"Hm, let's see what we can do about that..." Kunyaring nag-isip ako at bahagyang humalakhak para buhayin ang malungkot na atmospera. This little cute distraction in front of me was irresistible.

["Just come back home,"] segunda niya na halatang ayaw paawat sa gusto niyang mangyari.

Natawa ako lalo. Sinabi ko na sa kaniyang hindi pa puwede e. Ang kulit! Guwapo siya, alright! Kahinaan ko siya! Crap, mahal ko siya! So he should stop begging now or else, I would be the destruction of his career. For real.

Ipagdadamot ko talaga siya sa mundo! Kaya hanggang nasa tamang katinuan pa ako at kaya ko pang magpigil ay maisip sana niyang napakadelikado ng hinihingi niya at mas delikadong bumigay ako.

"Jimin." I pursed my lips, suppressing a smile just to show him I was stern and serious, and I wouldn't change my decision.

["Okay, okay. I will just visit you at your work."] Finally, he surrendered, tailing it with a heart hammering, lost-threading panty-garter smile, his eyes were almost missing.

Akala ko, pagkatapos ng pag-uusap namin ni Jimin at paglapat ng likod ko sa kama ay tuluyan na akong makakatulog, pero hindi. I couldn't sleep. Kaya kong ipikit ang mga mata ko pero hindi ko kayang patulugin ang diwa ko. So I just stayed staring at the white plain ceiling.

Of course, Hanselle. It's already past twelve. There's no way you can sleep now. My inner Goddess hissed at me.

Na-alala ko na naman ang pag-uusap namin ni Jimin. When I asked him how come he found my workplace, the idiot said he had been stalking me since the night I appeared in the MBC Show. At noong araw na nahuli ko siya sa Bunnies, he said it was actually the first time he attempted to go inside the shop. Hindi niya raw inaasahan na makikilala ko siya.

Seriously, kung mas maaga niyang napagdesisyunang pumasok ay baka mas napa-aga ang pag-aayos namin.

I maybe couldn't predict what would happen, but I knew my heart, I could always predict my heart. Si Jimin lang naman ang kahinaan nito. It would always choose Jimin, it would always submit to Jimin.

Ang loko, nakangisi pa habang nagkukuwento na para bang gusto niyang ipakita sa aking natalo niya ako, nakuha niya ako at wala na akong kawala sa kaniya, at nakaka-inis lang dahil alam na alam ko sa sarili kong tamang-tama siya roon. Na hindi ko naman na gugustuhin pang kumawala sa kaniya.

Ooops, my bad. I just tamed that illegal man.

I'm sorry to all his fans, I'm sorry to Sally, I'm sorry 'cause he's now mine. I'm sorry for stealing everyone's idol. I just love him so much. And I'm sorry again 'cause I think, I can't let him go now. Sincerely, I'm very sorry but I'm not sorry for loving him.

Apologizing, Hanselle.

"Hanselle?"

The track of my thought stopped when I heard Em call my name. Mula sa pagtitig sa puting ceiling ay napakurap-kurap ako dahil hindi ko inaasahang gising pa si Em ng ganitong oras, lalo na at ang tagal naming nag-usap ni Jimin kanina. Sinigurado ko ring munang tulog na si Em kanina bago ako pumuslit sa banyo.

"Hanselle, I know you're still awake. I saw you sneak in." Muling nagsalita si Em dahil sa tagal kong sumagot.

I sighed as I took my sight back to the white ceiling. Inabot ko rin ang puting kumot ko para hilahin hanggang sa dibdib ko. "Bakit gising ka pa?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

Alas-dose na. She should be sleeping now. Hindi mahilig magpuyat ang mga kasama ko sa bahay.

"I should ask you that. You came out and it took you two hours to get back. You know what, I really find you so secretive and independent but I'm still trying to understand you. Sometimes I really find you weird too. You always make me wonder how your mind works. Hanselle, sino ka ba talaga? Even before we met you?" untag niya na punong-puno ng kuryosidad ang tinig.

Matagal muna akong nakipagtitigan sa kisame bago muling bumuntong-hininga. So that was how she saw me. O baka maging pati sina Aly at Evah? It was not that I was mysterious, I just didn't tell them half of my story. I didn't let them see all of me.

"You wanna hear a very misleading story, Em?" I asked her after a long moment of silence. Hinigpitan ko ang hawak ko sa kumot kong nasa dibdib ko. I fished out a courage from somewhere within me. Maybe it was time to open up and show them some fragments of my past for them to understand me.

Hindi siya sumagot so I took that a yes. Inisip ko kung saan ako mag-uumpisa pero agad din namang may lumitaw na mga pangyayari sa isipan ko.

"When finally, Snow White met the seven dwarves and lived with them, she started to face the chaos that life can ever bring-"

"Chaos? Didn't Snow White enjoy every moment with them?" Em interrupted me, sounding so confused. At kahit hindi ko siya nakikita, I bet, she had her brows crossed.

Tumango ako at nagpakawala ng mahinang halakhak, sapat lang para umabot sa pandinig niya. Sinong hindi nakaka-alam ng gasgas nang kuwento ni Snow White? Pareho kaming babae, and I was sure, pareho kaming dumaan sa pagkahilig sa fairytale and princesses. At taliwas sa sinabi ko, Snow White indeed enjoyed every second she had with the dwarves. The tale showed how those dwarves accepted Snow White despite their differences.

Parang BTS... sa akin.

"Of course, she did. Those dwarves had been her companion while leading her chaos life outside the palace, and you know what? She trusted them even though they were the reason why she had to face a life full of troubles, because she isn't just stupid, she was oblivious-"

"Sandali! Sandali, Hanselle. Kailan pa naging ganyan ang kuwento ng Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? 'Di ba si Step Mother ang sumira ng buhay ng prinsesa?" litong untag niya.

Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang paggalaw ng double-deck. Siguro ay bumangon siya. She must be really confused. Hindi niya kasi ako pinapatapos e. Yes again, si Step Mother ang sumira ng buhay ni Snow White sa fairytale na Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs pero hindi sa kuwento ko... hindi sa kuwento ko. Hindi sa kuwento namin ng BTS.

"Who said I was telling you the story of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs?" tanong ko.

"WHAT?!" she exclaimed, as if telling me how ridiculous I was. So, akala talaga niya, ang literal na kuwento ni Snow White ang kinu-kuwento ko?

Muli akong humalakhak, mas malakas at mas malutong sa pagkakataong ito. I was not a Princess. At masyadong makikisig at guwapo ang bawat miyembro ng BTS para maging literal na dwarves.

I bet my MK watch, they would all freak out if they would hear us.

"I was just using Snow White's famous story as a metaphor," I said in between my laugh. Dahil wala na akong ibang maisip na puwede kong paghalintularan ng kuwento namin ng BTS. Just think of it as Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs with a ridiculous and strange twist.

"Don't tell me you're telling your own story?" she asked rhetorically, finally getting the idea I was trying to tell her. Hindi ba't gusto niyang malaman ang tungkol sa buhay ko? Kung bakit masyado akong restrained and restricted sa kanila?

I rolled my eyes. "Hays. Let's just sleep, Em." Pinarinig ko sa kaniya ang hikab ko para malaman niyang inaantok na ako at gusto ko nang matulog.

Hindi rin naman niya ako maiintindihan dahil wala akong planong ilahad sa kaniya ang mga tunay na tauhan ng sarili kong Snow White story.

"Wait! Tell me more! What happened to Snow White?" Pagpupumilit niya habang nararamdaman kong gumagalaw ang double deck bed. She was wriggling! Ganoon ba siya ka-interesado sa buhay ko?

I smiled. She was interested, huh? I sighed as I decided to continue. "Turned out, Snow White wasn't a princess and the seven dwarves were the evil witches. How misleading right? Dahil doon, maging si Snow White hindi na kilala ang sarili niya. Ni hindi niya alam kung tama ba siya ng mga taong pinagkatiwalaan. She left those dwarves and now trying to right the path of her misleading life... at doon niya nakilala sina Sleeping Beauty, Belle at Cinderella na hindi rin naman mga prinsesa. The End."

Ngumiti ako ng sobrang lapad. I didn't know I could metaphor my life using Snow White's story. I just needed to relate some twists, and well, to turn some turns into more complicated twists. Dahil mas komplikado ang buhay ko kumpara kay Snow White.

"Hanselle?" Muli akong tinawag ni Em.

Tumagilid ako at inangat hanggang sa balikat ko ang kulay green kong comforter para mas matakluban ako dahil nanunuot na sa katawan ko ang lamig ng air-conditioner. "Hm?" I asked her, slowly closing my eyes.

"Can I be Cinderella?" she asked, hopeful.

Why was she so accurate? Sa buhay ko, kung ako si Snow White, then Em was Cinderella. She was that beautiful Princess minus the midnight scene where in the stupid princess left her perfectly fitted shoe. I was still very confused about that. If it perfectly fit her, then why did it slip off her foot then? If she was not stupid for falling to a Prince she just met that night.

"Of course. Just don't leave your shoe to find a stupid Prince who only knows how to flirt. Find a Prince that won't let you go even when the clock strikes at twelve midnight," tumatangong sabi ko sa kaniya.

And I wouldn't let it either. Same as Aly, if she was Sleeping Beauty, I wouldn't let any stranger Prince steal a kiss from her, I wouldn't let her sleep in the first place. If Evah was Belle, then she must be smart enough to choose the perfect man for her, not a Beast in heart of course, but a Beast that had a good heart.

"But Hanselle..." She again called me. Natawa na naman ako. Hindi pa ba inaantok ang isang ito? Medyo inaantok na ako pero kaya ko pa naman. Pinanatili ko na lang na nakapikit ang mga mata ko habang naghihintay ng sasabihin niya. "Where's Snow White's Prince in your story?" she again asked.

I bit my lower lip. As much as I didn't want to answer her question, I knew she wouldn't let me sleep if I didn't. Lalo na at mukhang gising na gising pa rin ang diwa niya samantalang ako ay antok na antok na.

Behind my close eyes, a sweet genuine smile formed my lips, as image of a smiling Jimin through the darkness appeared. Immediately, my heart hammered crazily.

"The Prince was one of the dwarves, Em." I yawned and finally let sleep take over me.