Chapter Forty-four

Matapos kong magtimpla ng gatas ay naglakad ako patungo sa balcony ng living room dala ang mint BMO printed mug ko para magpahangin. May maliit akong round table doon at black bean couch. Pinasadya ko iyon dahil isa ang bahay kong ito sa may pinakamagandang view ng city lights sa building na ito.

My mother had an eye for choosing this house for me.

I even filled my balcony with my favourite flowers, Forget-me-not. I had this crazy obsession with collecting them. You would see a lot of bluish flowers everywhere. Isa pa, hindi nasisinagan ng araw ang parteng ito ng bahay kaya't safe sila.

Oh, my Forget-me-not cuties.

Ilang buwan ko silang hindi naalagan at nagpapasalamat ako kay Mamang dahil sa pag-aalaga niya sa mga ito. Well, we were the same. We had this undying love for flowers, though she loved so many variants.

Agad na dumampi ang sariwang hangin sa balat ko pagtapak ko pa lang sa marbled floor ng balcony. The only warm comfort I had was my hot milk. Inilapag ko ang baso ng gatas sa pabilog na mesa at saka lumapit sa railings. Mula rito sa taas ay kita ko ang mga pula't dilaw na mga ilaw ng mga sasakyan sa ibaba. Traffic ngayon kaya stuck ang mga sasakyan. They fell in line and almost occupied the long way. Mula sa malayong naabot ng mga mata ko ay nakikita ko pa rin ang mga pulang ilaw.

It looked beautiful actually, just nevermind those cursing people inside those cars for being stuck in a traffic. They actually gave me a beautiful sight to see. I just so loved lights from every unknown sources. Lights from the city lights, lights from the cars, lights from the stars and many more.

They shone in my eyes, that was why.

Nililipad ang medyo may kahabaan ko nang buhok. Siguro ay magpapa-trim na lang ako kapag dumating ang weekend. I was not really of a long-haired girl. Nasanay kasi akong shoulder-length lang palagi ang gupit ng buhok ko. My mother had always wanted it that way too.

Ngumuso ako nang may maisip ako. Bakit hindi ko kaya subukang pahabain ito? I would just see if it suited me. Kung hindi naman, papaputulan ko.

I shrugged nonchalantly with that thought. Might as well I see for it. Bumalik ako sa mesa at dinampot ang mug ko bago muling humarap sa view. Halos ma-ibuga ko ang kakasimsim ko pa lang na gatas nang makita ko ang pinakamalaking billboard na kita mula rito. Nasa tabi ito ng isang mataas na gusali at kitang-kita ito dahil sa laki nito.

It was actually a billboard of PUMA Brand.

"Kailan pa nagbago ang picture ng billboard na iyan?!" I asked, shockingly. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa hawakan ng mug. Noong huli ko itong makita ay ibang PUMA endorser ang naroon!

Was fate playing games again with me?! Hanggang dito ba naman sa Manila ay hahabulin ako ng sakit na ito?

I left Seoul because I was so fed up of the pain, of all the heartaches. At bakit naman sa dinami-dami ng picture… bakit iyan pa? Bakit sila pa?!

I didn't know that Jimin and Sally were now both an endorsers of PUMA. Yes, BTS had been a PUMA endorsers but Sally? Since when? And crap, they looked good together as in!

Sa picture ay nakasuot si Jimin ng itim na Puma jacket, inside his hug was Sally wearing a simple white sporty tank top and a black shorts, all PUMA products. Nakatingin ng seryoso si Sally sa camera habang si Jimin ay nakatitig sa kaniya. Any normal human being would really think how good they were together. Para silang mga fictional characters, who crossed the line between fantasy and reality. The compatibility was overflowing and undeniable.

It almost made me puke.

Hindi nga siguro totoong may relasyon sila, pero malapit na rin akong ma-convince na napakabagay nila para sa isa't isa. Hindi nga siguro totoong may relasyon sila, pero sayang naman kung hindi sila magkakatuluyan. Sigaw iyan ng matalino kong isip pero iba ang isinisigaw ng nasasaktan kong puso.

Maybe my mind was such a sadist to hurt my heart, hardcore, even more.

Isa rin ito sa dahilan kung bakit ko isinuko si Jimin, dahil hindi kami bagay. If people's eyes were feasting for Sally and Jimin, they would probably shout their eyesore to me or even cuss at me if ever I tried to get their Jimin. Hindi naman kasi talaga ang isip ko ang kalaban ko rito. It was the whole world, the critique of the people. At ayaw ko ring dumating sa puntong malalaman kong wala pala siyang balak na ipaglaban ako.

Para niya na akong pinatay ng sampung beses noon. So I should save myself beforehand. My heart could handle that at least.

Huminga ako nang malalim para ibalik ang normal na takbo ng puso ko at paghinga ko. I had succeeded blocking a sob from escaping my throat. Dahan-dahan kong inilapit sa bibig ko ang baso at sumimsim. Inisang tingin ko pang muli ang billboard bago tumalikod na para bumalik sa loob. So much for ruining my peaceful sight seeing. Manonood na lang ako ng K-Drama, on the second thought, on air pa nga lang pala ang inaabangan kong K-Drama.

Uh, my life was so boring, crap.

Nagtungo na lang ako sa kitchen at naghanap ng makakain ko. Hindi pa ako nag-di-dinner at wala talaga akong balak dahil bukod sa mag-isa na naman ako, ayaw ko nang bumaba pa para kumain sa labas pero nakakagutom lang talagang makita iyong billboard kanina.

Ang sarap magpakabusog.

Nakahanap ako ng sliced watermelon sa refrigerator, thanks to my mother for installing fruits inside my fridge. Nasa gitna ako nang pagtitinidor ng isang sliced watermelon habang nakatayo sa likod ng counter nang tumunog ang doorbell. Naiwang nakatusok ang tinidor sa prutas.

I wasn't expecting a visitor tonight. Mag-aalas-nuwebe na rin. I knew my mother loved to give me a surprise visit but she never went here this late. Ang layo ng Valenzuela! Isa pa, my mother knew the passcode of my house so she would barge in immediately. At hindi naman alam ni Chelsea kung saan ako nakatira.

So who the hell is it?!

Nanatili akong nakatayo sa counter habang hawak pa rin ang tinidor. I waited for another ring and it didn't go for long because the doorbell exploded again.

"Crap, may delivery ba ako? I can't remember ordering something, well, except for a MacBook pero hindi pa ngayong gabi ang dating noon!" I frustratedly let go of the fork and marched towards the door. Sinulyapan ko sa maliit na screen na nasa dingding kung sino ang nasa labas. Kumunot ang noo ko nang wala akong makita kung hindi itim. Plain black.

Sira ba itong intercom ng bahay ko?

Muling tumunog ang doorbell pero nanatiling itim lang ang nakikita ko sa screen. Humalukipkip ako at pinindot ang button para sa hands-free intercom.

"Sino iyan?" tanong ko. Gumalaw ang itim sa screen at nakakita ako ng puting braso… muscled bicep at that.

Napalunok ako dahil doon. Turned out, the black thing on the screen was the shirt of that person outside. Maybe he was too tall that was why, dibdib lang at isang braso niya lang ang nakikita ko sa intercom.

"Uh, do you need anything?" I asked again. Hindi kaya resident din ang isang ito? Wala akong kakilala rito at saka masyado akong busy sa buhay ko kaya't hindi ko na napapansin ang mga kapit-bahay ko.

I still got no response from the person outside, instead, he rang again my doorbell. Aba naman, mukhang balak pa ata nitong bingihin ako ng tunog ng doorbell!

"Uhm, actually, wala naman akong inaasahang bisita ngayon. Saka, wala akong inaasahang delivery. Baka wrong house ka," banayad kong sabi. Muling gumalaw ang pigura sa labas. Ang buong akala ko ay aalis na siya pero halos mapamura ako nang tumunog na naman ang doorbell.

I exhaled an exasperated sigh and stared gravely at the screen. "Look, I can't open the door for a stranger. Tsk, ano bang nangyayari sa security system nitong condominium?" Ibinulong ko lang ang huling pangungusap.

The doorbell rang again for the umpteenth time but instead of a black shirt and that white muscled bicep, I saw a bouquet of Forget-me-not flowers from the screen of the intercom. It had elegantly lavender bouquet wrapper and looked so beautiful.

My eyes twinkled instantly. My balcony wasn't filled with vases that had Forget-me-not flowers for nothing. Forget-me-not was my favorite flower, hindi man siya kulay green pero gustong-gusto ko talaga siya. Elegante kasi itong tingnan para sa akin. Uh, delivery kaya talaga? But who would send me flowers?

Nagdadalawang-isip man ay hinawakan ko ang door holder at pinihit pabukas bago ko hinila ang pinto. Unang bumugad sa akin ang mga bulaklak at ang natural na bango nito. Kukunin ko sana ang bouquet nang mawala ito sa harap ko. The guy from the outside quickly and firmly held my wrist before forcefully pushing me further inside the house with him as he immediately closed the door behind him.

Familiar sweet and minty scent instantly invaded my nose that flicked something deep within my heart. The bands in my heart once again battled and the butterflies in my stomach one again feasted.

I raised my gaze at him only to gap my mouth open in both astonishment and surprise. The man who often appeared in my dream and my mind now materialized in front of me, staring seriously down at me. I had to step back a bit since he looked scary with those serious looking pair of small eyes. Gone was the shy eyes that used to stare fondly at me and was exchanged with eyes in rage and exhaustion. His soft light blonde hair seemed so tempting to touch now, and his grip on my wrist was not silencing my now chaotic heart.

Bumilis ang paghinga ako habang nakatingala pa rin sa kaniya. Just… just maybe, this was again one of my crazy hallucinations.

Ano namang gagawin dito ni Jimin?! He couldn't be this man… there was no way!

I shook my head trying to clear my mind and wash Jimin's image away from my sight since this always happened, he often appeared in my hallucinations. Ngunit halos matumba ako sa panghihina ng mga tuhod ko nang ang guwapo pa rin ngunit seryosong mukha ni Jimin ang nakikita ng mga mata ko. Ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin ang mainit niyang kamay na hawak ng mahigpit ang pulupulsuhan ko at nakatitig pa rin siya sa akin ng seryoso.

Gusto kong tumawa. Gusto kong humalakhak kasi mukhang maging ang sarili ko, nakikipagkuntsaba na rin sa tadhana sa paglalaro sa buhay ko. Pati sarili ko, pinaglalaruan na rin ako.

Umatras ako, but due to my weakening knees, I almost stumbled down if not of his fast reflexes. Mabilis niyang nahuli ang baywang ko at mahigpit na hinawakan para hindi ako bumagsak. I even flinched at the mere contact, the touch of his hot palm on my skin, his hot palms burning my bare skin beneath the thin cloth of the shirt.

Agad kong hinawi ang braso niya mula sa baywang ko at muling nag-attempt na umatras. "What… what are you doing… are you even r-real?" putol-putol kong tanong dahil sa kabang hatid sa akin ng presensiya niya.

The battle of the bands inside my heart just grew even more loudly, I was afraid he would hear it. The feast of the insects inside my stomach made me want to give into him, I was afraid he would feel it.

He didn't answer. Nanatili siyang seryoso lang na nakatingin sa akin. Not even blinking. He held the bouquet of flowers in his other hand while towering over my height since he was inches taller than me.

Itinuro ko ang pinto sa nanginginig na hintuturo. "You… y-you out." I gritted my teeth at him.

Hindi pa rin siya gumagalaw at nakaka-inis lang dahil wala siyang ginawa kung hindi ang tumitig lang sa akin. It didn't much of a help since my knees were weakening. Dinadagdagan pa niya! Could he stop staring at me with those scary and cold eyes?!

Muli akong umatras, natatakot na muling madikit sa kaniya dahil sa epektong dulot niya sa buong sistema ko. "You shouldn't be here! Get out! Get out or else I'll call a security!" banta ko sa kaniyang nakatitig pa rin sa akin.

Tatawag talaga ako ng security. I was not safe here with him! He was illegal! Ikababaliw ko kung mananatili siya sa harap ko at mas lalong ikamamatay ko kapag nanatili siyang nakatitig sa akin ng ganyan!

My heart was in a chaos and any minute now, I knew it would come to a stop! Because he… he was still my illegal man, the weakness of my heart.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang magtangka siyang humakbang ng isang beses, mukhang walang balak na sumunod sa mga sinasabi ko. "No! Don't dare!" sigaw ko sa kaniya. Nilingon ko ang sala at wala sa sariling napamura nang makita ko kung gaano kalayo ang direksyon ng telepono.

At saka, bakit ba siya nandito?! Nasa Seoul dapat siya! He had so many things to do with his on-cam girlfriend! He must be very busy to even manage to cross the sea and fly over here in Manila!

Dahan-dahang inangat niya ang kamay niya para i-abot sa akin ang magandang bouquet ng bulaklak. Ang mga mata ay bahagyang lumamlam ngunit kababakasan pa rin ng galit… at sakit. No, I couldn't get swayed!

Anong ginagawa niya? Akala ba niya nakikipaglokohan ako sa kaniya? Akala ba niya laro lang ang lahat ng ito sa akin? At paano niya nalaman ang tungkol sa pagkahilig ko sa Forget-me-nots?

Wala siya rito noong mga panahong hirap na hirap akong patahanin ang puso ko dahil sa pagpipilit ng isipan ko na kalimutan siya. Wala siyang alam sa mga paghihirap ko para lang tuluyan na siyang alisin sa sistema ko. I was still in the middle of processing all that! Hindi siya puwedeng lumitaw na lang bigla sa harapan ko at sisirain ang mga paghihirap ko! Just so he knew, I just put a period on the chapter of my life where they belonged.

Binuksan ko na ang panibagong chapter ng buhay ko kung saan wala sila. Kung saan hindi ko na gugustuhin pang maka-engkuwentro sila, lalo na siya.

"What's that?! I don't need that! I want to know why you are here?!" sigaw ko sa kaniya. Kahit na magaganda ang bulaklak na dala niya, kahit na nakikita ko na ang mga itong kasama sa Hannan's collection ko at kahit na akit na akit na ako sa pagkakakumpol ng mga ito sa eleganteng bouquet wrapper na iyon ay nagawa ko pa ring ignorahin ito.

Once again, my eyes met those beautiful eyes he possessed. Halos maluha ako nang makita ko kung gaano kalungkot ang mga matang iyon. Gone was the scary eyes. Gone was the rage. Gone was the stranger in it.

My Jimin was back, my shy Jimin.

Those eyes used to be so lively and gleam. Pero bakit parang babagsak na ang mga talukap niya sa paraan ng pagtitig niya sa akin?

You can't look at me like that, Jimin. Dapat masaya ka ngayon kasi ako na mismo ang lumalayo para sa ikatatahimik ng buhay mo. You should be happy now since you don't have to do things against the will of your career. You should be happy right now.

I gritted my teeth as I fought back the tears from falling because of the realities that once again shoved to my face. Hindi siya para sa akin, hindi kailanman. He would always be just a dream, a beautiful one, and it hurt because for how many times I tried, my reality was too far from the dream where both of our worlds collided. It hurt because I couldn't let myself live in that dream when my reality was always at my trail, I couldn't leave my reality just for that dream.

I love you, Jimin but this isn't the love story I desire.

I strongly willed my feet to step towards the door, silently walking past him. Binuksan ko ang pinto para sa kaniya kahit na sa loob-loob ko, sobrang hirap na harap-harapan siyang ipagtabuyan.

"Get out, Jimin and p-please, stop appearing right in front of my eyes. I… I d-don't wanna see you anymore…"

And maybe, this love we had required prevarication, our love required betrayal and lies. That was where we started so maybe, that was where we should end too.

Yumuko ako para itago ang mga luhang muli na namang namumuo sa mga mata ko. He would never understand me, he would never get how everything was freaking killing me and he would never know how I was so torn right now because of both wanting to keep him and push him away.

"You promised m-me…" Finally, he found his voice to speak. It shattered, it was just so low and I couldn't believe my heart was also shattering because of it. Ang bigat sa boses niya ay nagpapadagdag ng sakit na nararamdaman ko sa puso ko.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya na sana ay hindi ko na lang ginawa. The last thing I wanted to see right now was to see him crying. At ano nga ba ang puwedeng makapagpaiyak sa isang idol? Awards? Appreciations? But what could hurt an idol? What could bring them painful tears?

Here was one, shedding his precious tears for me.

Paniguradong pagmumurahin ako ng mga ARMYs kapag nalaman nilang sinasaktan at pinapa-iyak ko ang Jimin nila. They would cuss at me, they would throw death threats and they would mess my life even without knowing that I… too, was hurting so much. Because really, seeing him tearing up was the most painful and devastating for me.

"Obviously, I already broke that p-promise, Jimin! Can't you see?! We're not an item! I'm doing this because I'm hurting! Akala mo ba madaling m-mahalin ka?! Walang ibang na-idulot sa akin iyang pagmamahal ko sa'yo kung hindi puro sakit! And I'm sorry but I'm giving up," sigaw ko sa kaniya, hindi ko na namamalayan ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko. I just wanted this to end, I just wanted us to stop hurting. Kasi habang mas tumatagal siya sa harapan ko, mas lalo lang akong umaasang baka puwede kami. Na baka may paraan pa, na baka kaya pa naming i-ayos ang lahat.

And no, I was done following my greed. Hindi iyon makakatulong kay Jimin.

Seriously, I could really just forget everything, accept him again and fvck his career up! Pero hindi e, mahal ko siya at hindi ko makakayang makita siyang mabigo sa mga pangarap niya… so ako na lang, kahit ako na lang ang masaktan.

Kumunot ang noo niya dahil sa mga pinagsasabi ko. "What are you saying? What? You can't give up while I'm still fighting for this relationship! I'll do everything just to protect you from everything!" aniya sa parehong galit na tono. Mukhang gumaganti siya dahil sa pag-ta-Tagalog ko kaya't nag-Korean din siya.

"Let's stop this, Jimin. Just leave. L-Leave me for good just like how easy for me to leave you. Kasi kung mananatili ka pa ngayon, baka hindi na kita m-mapakawalan. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap sa akin ito! Umalis ka na, please! P-Please!" Nanginig ang mga labi ko dahil sa mga hikbing kumawala sa lalamunan ko. My eyes instinctively shut closed as lush tears streamed down my face. Katumbas ng bawat hikbi at luha ko ang bawat sakit sa puso ko.

Crap, hindi ba puwedeng magmahal nang hindi nasasaktan? Kailangan ba talagang maging selfless ako dahil mahal ko siya? Bakit iyong iba naman masaya sa mga mahal nila? Bakit ako hindi puwede?! Bakit kami hindi puwede?! Dahil ba magkaiba kami ng mundong ginagalawan? Dahil ba idol siya at fan lang ako?

Dahil may mas ibang babaeng nababagay sa kaniya kaysa sa akin. That was it.

"Misseu…" Narinig kong sabi niya sa nagsusumamo ngunit paos na tinig

Matigas akong umiling. "Leave before I hate you," I cruelly told him. I opened my eyes and looked anywhere but him. I was already hating myself and I couldn't afford to hate him too.

"Can't we really fix this?" he asked sadly, hopeful.

No Hanselle, don't look at him. You'll get distracted, and now's not that time for that. You have to be strong. I could hear from somewhere my mind how desperate my inner Goddess was, just like how desperate I was to push him away and just like how desperate Jimin was to still hold on to this love story we had… that should have never existed in the first place.

"Leave, Jimin. I don't want to fix anything. Kasi kahit nga puso ko, hindi ko magawang ayusin. Let me at least try to gather the pieces of my h-heart first. So please, l-leave," pagmamaka-awa ko sa kaniya, kulang na lang ay lumuhod ako sa kaniya para hindi na siya magmatigas pa.

"But wae? Did I hurt you? What did I do? Tell me, Misseu," he begged too, his voice shook again.

Nanatili akong nag-iiwas ng tingin sa kaniya dahil ayaw kong makita ang nasasaktan niyang mukha na paniguradong sumasalamin din sa mukha ko.

"Leave," was all I said, firmly. I ignored the tears that freely flowed down my cheeks. I ignored him. I ignored the aching of my wounded heart. I ignored the only man I would surely love this greatest in this lifetime. I ignored the little chance that this love story had.

Gumalaw siya at ilang segundo lang ay nakita ko na ang pigura niyang dumaan sa harap ko, palabas ng pinto. He even left me a sniff of his sweet smell that for sure, I would miss so much. He only stopped when he got outside my house. Nakatalikod siya at nakayuko.

I thought, we were quits. We were both hurting.

Not a bad way to end a not so good love story. All I needed to do now was to close the door and never open it again for someone like him, that was to protect both myself and my life since it was too late for me to protect my heart.

And so, following the will of my mind, giving a very last glance at his lean and straight back, at the back of the only man I had loved this greatest, I slowly closed the door, finally putting an end on our love story.

I would move on but I wouldn't forget. Jimin wasn't someone I could just easily forget. Every memory with him was worth remembering and worth keeping. Makaka-usad ako dala ang mga ala-ala naming dalawa. Moving on wasn't really about forgetting. It was about going on, knowing that you could live even without the presence of the person.

Bakit ko buburahin sa isip ko ang mga ala-ala namin? Were they even removable? Bakit ko aalisin sa ala-ala ko ang lahat ng mga pinagsamahan namin ni Jimin kung ang mga iyon lang ang tanging bagay na makakapagpatunay na minsan sa buhay ko… nagmahal ako. At minahal ako ni Jimin.

At least, somewhere in the future, I would remember that an idol went outside my unit and brought me flowers. That once in my life, an idol cried in front of me, an idol begged for me not to leave him and an idol loved me.

Bakit ko kalilimutan ang lahat ng iyon?

I would endure the pain because that was how it was since I just got out of the wrong love. Maybe, this could be my painful and deepest downfall but I would get up, I would rise up.

I knew, someday, Jimin would understand why I let him go. He would realize that I only did him a favor. He would surely thank me for this. At kapag dumating iyong araw na iyon, paniguradong pinapanood ko na lang siya sa screen habang kinikilala na siya ng buong mundo.

Nasulyapan ko ang bouquet na dala ni Jimin na nasa lapag. Maayos ang pagkakalagay na mukhang dinahan-dahan. I couldn't help but again tear up at the sight of those flowers.

I love you so much, Jimin. I love you to the point that I can let you go for the sake of your career. For your dreams, even if it means, I'll have to go through the ordeal of not having you with me, 'cause I love you.

And only you.