Chapter Forty-two

Napalingon ako sa pinto ng comfort room habang hinuhugasan ko ang mga kamay ko sa sink nang bumukas ito. Natulala ako nang lumitaw mula roon si Chelsea. Mukhang hindi niya inaasahang makita ako dahil sa gulat na nasa gumuhit sa mukha niya.

I gulped hard, feeling my stomach get cold. Now that I was seeing her face to face and this near, I couldn't help but remember everything that happened in Seoul. How my life there had really started. How my life had taken a biggest turn that both devastated me and resurrected me.

Hindi ko rin kasi talagang mai-di-deny na isa si Chelsea sa mga dahilan kung bakit nangyari ang lahat ng iyon. I wouldn't have met Jimin in person if it hadn't because of Chelsea's persistency. I wouldn't have met BTS if it hadn't because of her nagging. Hindi ko mararanasang maging masaya sa piling ni Jimin kahit na sa kaunting panahon lang na iyon kung hindi dahil kay Chelsea. So really, I could only thank her for all the favorable events that happened to me in there. At ang mga hindi ko gustong kaganapan, I could only blame fate about that.

She silently walked towards one of the cubicle as I just watched her disappear from that door.

And I missed her bubbly personality.

Pinunasan ko ng tissue ang basa kong kamay at naghintay sa kaniya. I wanted to fix the friendship we had. I hoped it was still repairable. Kasi gusto kong kasama siya sa circle of friends ko. In exchange, mangangako akong hindi na magiging unfair at magsasabi na ako ng totoo. That part of my life had thought me some things. I couldn't just focus on one person because I might lose everyone in my life… or even myself.

Minahal ko kasi si Jimin ng walang boundary. I loved him unconditionally that it ruined me, at hinding-hindi ko na gagawin iyon dahil sinusubukan ko na siyang alisin sa sistema ko. I was finally accepting that I was just so out of his league and there was really no way for us. We were still impossible.

Ilang minuto lang ang hinintay ko dahil lumabas din si Chelsea. Muli siyang nagulat nang makita ako ngunit nang makabawi siya ay naglakad siya patungo sa sink para maghugas ng kamay. Nakapanibago ang katahimikan niya sa totoo lang.

I silently gave way for her and let her use the sink. Gusto kong ayusin ang gusot sa pagitan namin pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahan.

"You wanna talk?" Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang magsalita siya bigla sa mahina ngunit malamig na tinig. She blandly stared at my reflection through the mirror.

I closed my gaped mouth and quickly nodded. "Please," I begged in a soft and low voice.

Lumabas kami ni Chelsea. We needed a serious long talk so we needed a perfect peaceful place. Sa malapit na pancake house kami pumunta. I chose the place since Chelsea was too quiet to talk. Nahihiya naman akong magtanong sa kaniya. We ordered delicacies for our tastes. Hindi siya pumayag na ako ang magbayad so I let her pay for her food and all the while that was happening, she would just either roll her eyes while pursing her lips or turn her eyes away from mine.

Nakayuko lang ako at nakatitig sa Red Iced Tea kong nasa harap. Hindi naman ako nauuhaw kaya ito lang ang in-order ko at isang strawberry syrup topped pancake. She ordered Espresso and caramel syrup topped pancake.

"I… I was very disappointed with you," she started, voice still firm and cold.

Hindi ako nag-angat ng tingin. I just continued staring at my drink because I didn't want to interrupt her now that she started talking.

"Nagtatampo ako. I considered you as my friend and that means, I'm concerned about you. Nag-alala ako sa'yo dahil hindi mo sinasagot ang mga tawag ko matapos ang mga issue noon tungkol kay Jimin at Sally. Pakiramdam ko wala kang paki-alam sa nararamdaman ko," straight forward niyang sabi sa akin.

Ngayon ko lang nakitang ganito si Chelsea. So straight forward. It kind of intimidated me since mad and angry people tend to be really scary for me. Hinawakan ko ang mataas na baso ng inumin ko, inilapit ko ang straw sa bibig ko at tensiyonadong uminom. My lips tensed from unsaid words and my eyes quivered at the heard of the sad and stern tone from her voice.

I couldn't believe I was doing this to her!

"Hanselle, did you even consider me as your friend?" she suddenly asked me, voice now shaking.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya at nakita ko ang namumula at nanunubig niyang mga mata. Unti-unting nalaglag ang panga ko dahil pakiramdam ko, sobra-sobra ko siyang nasasaktan. I hardly closed my mouth and bit my lower lip. I… I had never intended to hurt anyone. Not Chelsea, not my brother, not my family, not Jimin and not myself!

"Chelsea!" I exclaimed when a tear instantly escaped her eye. Agad akong tumayo para humila ng tissue mula sa tissue box at lumapit sa kaniya. I hastily wiped her watering eyes. "I'm sorry! I'm very sorry! 'D-Di ko sinasadya! I was too selfish to share my problems and was too selfless too!" sabi ko sa kaniya, matter-of-factly at niyakap siya.

"Yes! Too selfless! Bakit ba kasi gustong-gusto mong sinosolo ang problema mo?!" she said, slowly calming from her sobs. Kusa na rin niyang iniyakap sa akin ang mga braso niya.

Ngumuso ako. "That's me, Chels. Pero sorry na talaga!" Niyakap ko siya ng mas mahigpit at bahagyang niyugyog. I heard her chuckle. Somehow, that lit my heart.

She gently let go from the hug and hardly pinched my cheeks that made me wince. "Pasalamat ka, maganda ka!" aniya.

"Love mo na ako niyan?" I asked grinning, feeling light now because of her smile. Ngumuso ako pagkatapos ay hinaplos ko ang pisngi kong kinurot niya. "Pero masakit iyon ah!" reklamo ko.

She stuck out a tongue at me. "Parusa mo!"

Nagtawanan na lang kami pareho. Bumalik ako sa upuan ko. Himalang biglang nagbago ang atmospera sa pagitan namin. Chelsea's bubbly personality came back and I was more than happy. Kasi balik na kami sa dati. I missed being with her. Kahit na kaunting panahon pa lang kaming naging magkaibigan.

I had got friends, yes. I was not at loss of friends. Pero kasi hindi ganitong saya ang na-ibibigay sa akin ng mga iba kong kaibigan. They would only call me to shop and well, blab their new brands. Feeling ko kaibigan lang nila ako kapag may new edition ang favorite brands nila. They were actually my college friends.

Chelsea and I exchanged 'I miss you's since we really did miss each ot her.

Dinramahan niya ako kung paanong mag-isa lang siyang nag-lu-lunch sa unang buwang pagkawala ko. Dinramahan din niya ako kung paanong araw-araw siyang nagtutungo sa area ko para ayusin iyon at itabi ang mga pending papers, kaya pala wala sa ibabaw mesa ko ang mga papel kung hindi nasa ilalim. Nakanguso lang ako habang nagkukuwento siya.

"So… what happened between you and BTS?" she asked after of what seemed a story telling from her.

Ngumiwi ako sa napili niyang sunod na topic na pag-uusapan. Hindi ko na-ikuwento sa kaniya ang mga nangyari sa pagitan namin ni Jimin. Ang alam lang ni Chelsea ay noong nakatira ako kasama ang BTS sa iisang bubong dahil sa kumalat na litrato namin ni Jimin. Hanggang doon lang ang alam niya. And I didn't know what she would react if I told her the sweet yet very short romance that happened between Jimin and I. Or if it was really romance.

"And I remember Jiro! Siya iyon, 'di ba? Oh my gosh! Buti buhay ka pa?!" Exaggerated niyang dagdag.

I sighed exasperatedly to show her how I wanted to turn down the topic but it seemed like she had became oblivious because she just grinned widely at me while waiting for my answer.

"It was Jiro. I think, he heard us talking. Akala tuloy niya girlfriend ako ni Jimin," sagot ko. Dinampot ko ang bread knife at tinidor para simulang hatiin ang pancake ko. I was not really of a strawberry lover but since I was too busy trying to gather my chaotic mind a while ago, I just picked whatever I saw. But it was fine, kinakain ko naman as long as it was not veggies and spicy.

"SHOCK! Shocks! You were very lucky! Kasama mo ang BTS sa iisang bahay at nakita mo pa si Jiro! Gosh, Hanselle! Mahal na mahal ka ng diyos para paliguan ka ng ganoong blessing!" aniyang tuwang-tuwa, hawak niya sa isang kamay ang bread knife habang kumikislap ang mga matang nakatitig siya sa akin.

Blessing? Hindi ba niya alam kung anong mga paghihirap ang dinanas ko sa Seoul?! Crap, and what if I told her the second and third encounter I had with Bien? Baka makurot na naman niya ako sa panggigil lalo na at loyal LUX-L siya. LUX-L or LUX Lovers ang tawag sa mga fans ng LUX.

"I'm telling you, Chels. Ayaw ko nang maranasan pa ang lahat ng iyon," umiiling na sabi ko sa kaniya. If I had to hide anywhere or even in hell just to avoid encountering them again, then I would.

Sumimangot siya. "Anong nangyari ba kasi sa'yo roon? Sinong hindi maiinggit sa'yo? Shocks, Hanselle. Matutulog kang pitong nagkikisigang lalaki ang kasama mo at ganoon din paggising mo! God, I'd die if I were you!" gigil na sabi niya. She held the fork and just played with the caramel syrup on top of her pancake.

Bumilib din ako sa sarili ko, Chelsea.

Hindi ko akalaing makaka-survive ako. And now that I was here, alive, kicking and breathing. I must really stay away from them! Baka kasi ikamatay ko na kapag nagkaroon pa akong muli ng engkuwentro sa kanila. My heart wouldn't take it anymore.

"But you weren't me." I teasingly stuck a tongue out at her.

Ngumuso siya at sinamaan ako ng tingin. Humila siya ng tissue, she then crumpled it and irritatedly threw it at me. Hindi ko iyon inaasahan kaya't tinamaan ako sa balikat. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. Humila rin ako ng tissue at binato siya. Since she had fast reflexes than I had, she dodged away and avoided the crumpled tissue. Nagtawanan kami pagkatapos noon. Nagkuwentuhan lang kami ng kung anu-ano pang bagay.

It took us almost an hour before we went back to the office.

That day, pinlano naming mag-overtime pareho. Wala siyang pending works pero naghanap siya ng puwedeng gawin para lang samahan ako. Hindi ko rin nagawa ang mga trabaho ko dahil nag-movie marathon lang kaming dalawa buong gabi. We watched Beauty and The Beast newest movie adaptation and some Hollywood movies.

Hindi kami nanood ng mga horror movies because I knew to myself that I couldn't afford it. Lalo na at dalawa lang kaming nandito sa office. Siya rin ay takot kaya't comedy and action na lang ang mga pinili namin.

"Pst."

I was in the middle of being a hardworking mess when I heard that rude calling. Hindi ako lumingon at nagpatuloy na lang sa ginagawa ko. I needed to finish these paper works before lunch because Miss Alecia would leave after lunch and I needed her to sign these immediately.

"Pssst!" Came again the rude calling, longer than the first one.

No, Hanselle. It's not you. You're Hanselle and no one had ever tried to insult your name like that. You have a beautiful name. My inner Goddess shook her head at me.

Hinaplos ko ang noo ko. Medyo dumodoble na ang mga letra sa screen. Hindi naman malabo ang mga mata ko pero ilang oras na kasi akong nakatutok sa screen. Mag-la-lunch na rin kasi. Sa mga ganitong sobrang daming trabaho, hindi ko na namamalayan ang oras.

"H-Hanselle."

Bumuntong-hininga ako. What? Using my beautiful name now? Binitawan ko ang mouse at nilingon si James. Right! Alam kong siya itong kanina pa nangungulit sa akin. Wala ba siyang trabaho at nanggugulo siya? At kailan pa siya naging ganyan? Mahiyain siya, 'di ba?

He shyly scratched the back of his head the moment I turned to him. Nakatayo siya sa likod ko, wearing again his usual formal getup that said he was in between a nerd guy and a bad guy type. Seriously, how was that even blending nicely? He smiled shyly at me, eyes looking anywhere but me.

Crap! Why… why was the face of my handsome illegal yet shy man appearing right in front of my eyes now? I wanted to touch that light blonde hair, that soft fluffy cheeks and that cherry plump lips… my gosh, Jimin!

"Uh… h-hindi ka pa ba n-nagugutom?" James asked shyly that pulled me back to reality.

Nawala ang imahe ni Jimin sa paningin ko at napalitan ni James. I hardly bit my lower lip. Sa dami ng trabaho ko, hindi ko na rin napapansin ang pagkalam ng sikmura ko. Mas napapansin ko kasi ang tambak na sheets sa excel ko.

"Kasi ano—"

"Excuse me, James! Ako ang kasabay ni Hanselle na kumain. So tsupi ka na!" Lumitaw si Chelsea from somewhere, nakapameywang at matayog ang mga kilay na nakatitig kay James.

When James saw Chelsea, he widened his eyes, and just like a shy guy he bowed his head, eyes firmly staying on the ground. Ngumisi si Chelsea sa akin at kumindat.

"Ah, eh Hanselle, may kasabay ka na pala. S-Sige sa susunod na lang." James was about to leave when I stopped him.

"Wait James!" I called. Nakayuko siyang lumingon, hindi na makatingin sa akin. "Puwede kang sumabay sa amin. Sa cafeteria lang kami," sabi ko sa kaniya.

He then showed me his giddy yet again shy smile as Chelsea widened her eyes in protest. Kitang-kita ang pagbuka ng mga labi niya para sa soundless na 'no!'.

Palagi na lang bang mauudlot ang pagtatrabaho ko? Siguro ay iiwan ko na lang sa mesa ni Miss Alecia ang mga ito para makita niya kinabukasan. I just hoped, I just really hoped I could finish everything tonight.

Sa cafeteria kami kumain. All the way, Chelsea was frowning and whispering under her breath. Hindi niya siguro nagugustuhan ang presensiya ni James. What would you get to a bubbly person?  Hindi sila magkakasundo ni James dahil tahimik ito.

Well, Chelsea and I had this unexplainable connection that was why we were friends. That was why we happened.

Tahimik lang si James habang kami ni Chelsea ay nag-uusap. Natatawa nga ako kasi sa tuwing sinusubukan kong ipasok si James sa usapan ay agad na binabago ni Chelsea ang usapan sa topic na hindi maiintindihan ni James. Sign that she really didn't like James' presence at all.

"Kainis! Bakit ka sumasama sa dork na iyan?!" pabulong na tanong sa akin ni Chelsea nang patungo na kami sa floor namin dahil tapos na kaming mag-lunch.

And when I said, it wasn't a nice lunch at all, believe me, I had to get caught up in between two opposite mountains. One had been raging while the other had been careless.

Nasa likod namin si James at tahimik pa rin.

Mahina kong sinaway si Chelsea, "Ssh. It's fine. He's harmless. Isa pa, he kept me good company yesterday," mahinang bulong ko pabalik sa kaniya.

Umirap siya at hinawakan ang braso ko. Nagmadali siya sa paglalakad at dahil hawak niya ako ay nasama ako sa kaniya. Bahagya ko na lang na nilingon si James. Nakita kong nakatitig siya sa akin. I bit my lower lip as I mouthed him 'I'm sorry' which he exchanged with an understanding smile.

Gumaan ang loob ko dahil doon. At least, James was a nice and understanding guy.

Humikab ako matapos ang mahaba-habang pagtitig sa screen at matagal-tagal na pagtitipa sa keyboard, napansin ko ang madilim na office.  Ako lang kasi ang nag-overtime. Napansin ko naman ang phone kong nasa gilid ng keyboard. It was vibrating for a certain number… again, for the nth times.

Napapagod na nga akong makita ang mga numerong iyon e. I sighed when it stopped.

Just stop, Jimin. Gusto ko na ang kung anong nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko. Tahimik na uli at simple.

Dinampot ko ang phone ko at nag-browse sa contacts ko. I once tried to block this number pero ako rin ang mismong pumigil sa sarili ko. I could afford ignoring his calls but I still couldn't find the very will to take him out of my system. I just scrolled down to Aly's combination.

Should I? Should I click the green button?

Pumikit ako at mahigpit na hinawakan ang phone ko sa dalawang kamay ko. I just wanted to check on them. Gusto kong malaman kung kamusta na sila. If they were doing fine. I… I just wanted know. And so I clicked the green button. Isang cute na ringback ang nag-play bago may sumagot sa kabilang linya.

["Hanselle? Ikaw ba ito?"] Aly's hushed voice.

I smiled as I heard her voice. Naalala ko bigla lahat ng nangyari sa Seoul, sa Bunnies. My high school fanboys. Aly's regular admirer. Aly, Evah and Em. And… I didn't want to admit but yes, BTS and Jimin.

Kahit na wala namang oras na nawala sa isipan ko si Jimin.

"Yes. Kamusta na?" tanong ko sa kaniya. Sumandal ako sa swivel chair ko at ipinatong ang batok ko sa tuktok ng back rest bago umikot ang mga mata ko sa puting plain ceiling.

["Okay lang ako. Okay lang kami rito. Ikaw? Kamusta ka?"] sagot niya.

Itinulak ko ang upuan gamit ang paa ko para pa-ikutin ito. "I'm fine. Back to work again," simpleng sagot ko.

Saglit kaming kinain ng katahimikan. I could hear the sound of the television from her line. I wondered where were Em and Evah right now. Siguro ay natutulog na ang mga iyon. Anong oras na rito, mag-aalas-otso na so alas-nuwebe na sa Seoul.

"How's Bunnies?" tanong ko dahil wala na akong ibang masabi lalo na at sa tingin ko pareho kami ng naiisip. Pakiramdam ko, may gusto siyang sabihin sa akin at iniisip niya kung tamang sabihin niya iyon sa akin.

["We missed you here. Lalo na yung mga fanboys mo. They all cried the moment they found out you were gone. Hindi ka man lang daw nagpaalam. And Hanselle, BTSA—"]

"Talaga? Masyado kasing biglaan ang lahat. Na-touch naman ako sa kanila." Agad kong pinutol ang sinasabi niya. Alam ko, alam kong bibigkasin niya iyon pero kasabay rin noon ay ang agad na pag-re-react ng puso ko. Hindi pa man natatapos ni Aly ng buo, agad na itong nagwala.

It was already beating crazily wanting to be noticed but since my mind was already overpowering my heart, hanggang doon na lang ang puwedeng gawin ng puso ko. It could beat crazily for as long as it wanted but my mind was decided. Hindi na muli itong susuong sa labang wala namang panalo kahit na anong mangyari.

["Yes. They've stopped going there. Sabi kasi nila, ikaw lang naman daw ang ipinupunta nila sa Bunnies. Mga batang iyon talaga."] She laughed a little, as if wanting to lighten the atmosphere a little.

"E iyong regular admirer mo?" Ngumisi ako kahit hindi niya nakikita nang maalala ko iyong lalaking madalas sa Bunnies para lang masilayan siya.

["Oh no, Hanselle! You won't believe this! He's a crazy stalker and not an admirer! Alam mo bang isang gabi niya akong hinarang sa street at tinakot! Mabuti na lang at dumating ang BTS—"] Siya na mismo ang nagpahinto sa sarili niya.

Kumunot ang noo ko at napa-ayos ng upo. "What, Aly? That guy threatened you like a crazy stalker and what? What happened? Did he hurt you? Who… who came?" I asked the last question, hesistantly. Mas lalo yatang sumakit ang ulo ko dahil sa mga pinagsasabi ni Aly.

I didn't even imagine that guy to be a crazy stalker! He looked proper and nice for it! Mas mukha lang siyang dork… a weird guy but far from a crazy stalker! God, muntik na pa lang malagay sa panganib ang buhay ni Aly at ipinagkanulo ko pa siya sa lalaking iyon!

"Hanselle, BTS has been going here. They were always looking for you and asking about you… lalo na si Jimin. Naaawa kami sa tao kaya't sinabi naming nasa Manila ka na. They didn't believe us first but when they came for the second time, which was when that stalking and threatening night happened, they got convinced,"] mahabang paliwanag ni Aly na nasa tono ng boses ang pinaghalong lungko, takot at relief.

["Laking pasasalamat ko noong dumating sila, Hanselle. They had become my only survival that time. Sobrang takot ko noon. I'm sorry if I told Jimin about your leaving, kung anong mga nangyari bago ka umalis, about your brother and about him and Sally. Sorry talaga, Hanselle! I was just very thankful that I told them everything. Isa pa, sa tingin namin ni Em, tamang gawin namin ang bagay na iyon."] Na-uwi sa malungkot na tono ang boses niya. I could still hear voices from her line so I assumed she was watching TV while talking with me.

I pursed my lips. Sumasakit kasi ang dibdib ko. I didn't even know if there was even a remedy for this pain. Kasi lagi na lang ganito sa tuwing naiisip ko si Jimin. I hardly clutched my chest as I tightly closed my eyes and every time my heart would ache so much like this, my eyes were always the outlet.

Tears were the dead end. My tears. My tears for the man whom my heart was always longing for but I knew in myself… I could never have anymore.

Tears for a man who didn't belong to me.