Chapter Twelve

I just stayed inside the room thinking a lot of things—trivial and nonsense—until the dust came, nakita ko sa orasan sa mesa na mag-aalas-sais na. Hindi ako lumabas kahit nang yayain nila akong magmeryenda. Sinong matinong tao ang magagawa pang lumamon sa gitna ng mga gulong nangyayari?

Ilang beses rin akong nakarinig ng katok mula sa labas, mula sa kanila.

"Let's eat…" It was RM first, his voice was so soft and pampering.

"Misseu, let's eat…" Sumunod si Jin, banayad din ang boses na bahagyang nagpagaan na naman ng loob ko.

Sinundan pa iyon ng masayahing boses ni J-Hope. "Misseu, Misseu! Ramyeon! You want ramyeon?!"

I never gave a reply to any of them for I was still bothered and very confused. Just, until how long were they going to keep me here? Balak ba nilang ikulong lang ako rito sa bahay nila? What about my own life? What about my job? What about my family?

At ang huli ay si Jimin na pumasok na sa kuwarto dala ang isang tray ng pagkain.

I just stared at the tray that had been on top of the bedside table, a glass of orange juice and cookie biscuits were there. Ilang minuto na ang lumipas simula nang pumasok si Jimin dala ang tray na iyan para sa meryenda ko pero hindi ko pa rin iyon nagagalaw.

Naisip ko na malamang na sa mga oras na ito ay baka pa-landing na ang eroplanong sinasakyan ng team sa NAIA. I should be on that plane. I should be touching down the Philippines by now and yet here I was, stuck here with those Idols.

Hindi ko alam kung suwerte ba akong matatawag o talagang naubusan na ako ng suwerte kaya't minamalas na ako. Masaya akong kasama ko si Jimin na sinamahan pa ng buong BTS, but I knew that being happy with them wasn't possible and permanent. Being happy with them wasn't legal but forbidden. And crap, now was not the right time to be happy! I didn't even know how would I survive a day with them!

This wasn't a scripted role play! Mas lalong wala ako sa isang drama! No one would tell me what to do at times like this. This wasn't included in my plan also so I hadn't prepared for this situation.

I heard the door open that got my insides churn again because of the uncomfortable havoc. Yumuko ako at hindi nilingon ang kung sinumang pumasok. I just silently played with my fingers on top of my lap as I tried to kill the awkwardness that rising up within my chest. Narinig ko ang yapak ng taong iyon na palayo sa pinto.

It must be Taehyung since his silence said it all and to confirm that…

"You… eat…" It was Taehyung's deep baritone voice.

It took me a minute before I realized what he said. My mouth went ajar at surprise. I needed to confirm that it was really Taehyung and not Jimin… because it was impossible for Taehyun to get worried about me.

Dahan-dahan akong lumingon sa kaniya at nakita ko siyang nagbubukas ng closet. His back was facing me and I could see the semi-shaved part of his brown undercut hair. Somehow, I was looking for the adorable Taehyung that I always saw on their live clips and shows.

Ang Taehyung ng BTS na kilala ko ay iyong inosente at napaka-charming, minsan weird pero sobrang masayahin. Palaging nakangiti sa mga videos at napakakulit. The Taehyung I was seeing now was entirely different from the Taehyung I knew. Which was his real character? Front lang ba ang mga ipinapakita niya sa mga videos nila?

"I think, the light blue shirt will make you look cooler," sabi ko nang mapansing kanina pa siya naghahanap ng kung ano sa  mga naka-hanger na mga damit niya, which was by the way, so neat and well organized. From where I was, I could see brands inside his closet. Were those all Gucci like what we always saw Taehyung wear?

Nahinto siya na nakapagpakaba sa akin ngunit nanatili siyang nakatalikod. I bit my lower lip nervously. Did I go overboard? Baka hindi niya gusto ang pinakiki-alaman siya.

Muli na lang akong bumalik sa pananahimik at hinayaan na lang siya. Mayamaya ay dumaan siya sa gilid ko at nagtungo sa banyo. I sighed deeply. That was awkward and intimidating.

Not too long ago when I saw him walk out the bathroom wearing the light blue shirt I suggested. He perfectly matched it with a white lazy sweatpants. May face towel na nakasabit sa isang balikat niya na ginagamit niya para tuyuin ang buhok niya.

A small smile slowly stretched into my lips. He was cute!

Lumabas din agad siya ng silid nang walang sinasabi pero masaya ako kahit na ganoon dahil suot niya ang damit na sinabi. And at least, he didn't get mad at me.

I sighed deeply again. I managed to survive that moment. Having to be in a room with Taehyung was still an impossible for me. I didn't know if he really hated me or what but I was certain that he was not pleased with my presence.

I might not be in a movie. Siguro nasa loob lang ako ng isa sa mga pinakamahaba kong panaginip. Baka paggising ko, nasa eroplano lang pala ako o baka naman isa lang ito sa mga long naps ko sa office tuwing idle time. Maybe, just one of my long night dreams or better yet, this was just an awake dreaming again.

I just needed to find time when to open my eyes to be awake. Maghihintay na lang ako ng gigising sa akin sa mahaba at tila totoong-totoong panaginip na ito at saka na ako magdedesisyon kung papatay ba ako o hindi.

Natulog na lang ako para palipasin ang oras kaysa ang makipagtitigan sa asul na dingding ng silid. Masyado akong natuwa sa lambot ng kama at saka ko pa lang naramdaman ang pagod sa buong magdamag kaya madali akong nakatulog.

Alas-nuwebe ng gabi nang magising ako. Nasa mesa pa rin ang tray ngunit nadagdagan lang ito ng isang bowl ng kanin, egg rolls, some vegetable mix at isang baso ng tubig. Halatang malamig ang tubig kanina dahil sa tulong nasa base ng baso na kumalat na rin sa tray. Naroon pa rin ang unang tray, the glass of orange juice and a plate of cookies. Lumunok ako nang mapasadahan ng mga mata ko ang baso ng juice na iyon, saka ko pa lang napagtanto kung gaano katuyo ang lalamunan ko.

Uhaw ako pero hindi kasi ako umiinom ng kahit na anong inumin na may flavor na orange. I hated oranges and orange flavours, that added up to my long list of hates and dislikes.

Dinampot ko na lang ang baso ng tubig na nasa isa pang tray at hindi na nag-inarte pa. I slowly emptied it. Bumaba ako ng kama pagkatapos at dahan-dahang naglakad patungo sa pinto. Binuksan ko ito at bahagyang sumilip. Walang tao sa living room. I opened the door a little wider and carefully stepped one of my foot out. I made sure not to make any noise. Kasunod ay inilabas ko ang kalahating katawan ko bago ko inilabas ang isa pang paa ko. I then closed the door behind me as silent as possible.

I sighed deeply. This was harder than sneaking into a house of snakes. I hadn't yet experienced it though, I just needed a comparison.

I slowly tiptoed towards the door across the living room. Naalala kong dito kami pumasok galing sa labas kanina. It could be the door to get outside this house. Nang marating ko ito ay nilingon kong muli ang sala. Dito nag-uusap ang BTS. If only I had my Polaroid camera with me then I could have taken a photo of this living room. Maging ang kuwarto sana nina Taehyung at Jimin. Because when everything of these ended, I needed a proof to convince myself that these were all real.

Baka kasi pagkatapos nito, maging sarili ko ay hindi ko makukumbinsing totoo ang lahat ng ito, kahit na isinisigaw na ng isipan ko na puwedeng ilusyon lang talaga ang lahat ng ito!

Wala sila rito ngayon. Baka may shoot sila. Well, this was my timing.

I gently and very carefully held the doorknob but just as I was about to squeeze it, a baritone lazy voice stopped me.

"What are you doing?"

I stopped abruptly as I froze on my spot. I felt my body stiffen. Naiwang nasa doorknob ang kamay ko at hindi ko magawang lumingon. Para akong magnanakaw na nahuli sa akto. Crap! Lilingon ba ako? O tatakbo palabas since hawak ko na rin naman ang doorknob? Double crap! This was harder than having to choose between what my heart and mind wanted.

"Where you going?" Muli kong narinig ang boses niya. This time, I felt my feet get nailed on the ground. Mas lalo akong hindi nakagalaw. Ang pagbabalak kong tumakbo palabas ay na-stuck na lang sa pinakasulok-sulukan ng utak ko. Nanghina ang kamay kong nakahawak sa doorknob.

Calling all the Gods during medieval period, save me please. Ah no, spare me life.

"You are not planning to escape, eh?" tanong niya. He got it right! And how did he manage to speak in perfect English?! Aah! This wasn't the right time for that!

Nakarinig ako ng mahihina at mababagal na mga yapak. Oh my! Oh my! Lumalapit ba siya sa akin? What should I do? Ah mali, paano ba ako gagalaw?!

"Hey!" untag niyang muli dahil sa kawalan ko ng sasabihin sa kaniya.

Pumikit ako at hinintay na lang ang paglapit niya, rinig na rinig ko ang malakas na tibok ng puso ko at pakiramdam ko, masusuka ako kaya mariin kong isinara ang bibig ko. Nasusuka talaga ako!

Not a moment later when I felt him tugging at my shirt from behind and as if melting from being in a long time freeze, my feet stepped back as he slowly and softly pulled me away from the door. No, I needed the door for support!

"You wait for them. They pick up you—stuff in the airport," mabini niyang sabi nang bitawan na niya ako.

Dahan-dahan akong pumihit paharap, my hands from the doorknob quivering at the lost of contact. I held my breath as I once again saw those lazy yet gorgeous eyes of Min Yoongi. Sa sobrang puti niya, nabibigyang pansin ang sobrang itim na itim niyang mga pilik-mata at halos kakarampot na lang ng itim na bilog sa mga mata niya ang nakikita ko dahil sa singkit ng mga mata niya.

I would bet, he would lost those circles if he smiled. He possessed a very dangerous eyes.

Kung ang mga mata ni Jimin ay kaya akong dalhin sa pinakamalalim na pagkahulog, ang mga mata naman ni Yoongi ay kayang patigilin ang pag-ikot ng mundo ko. It was as if I could only stare at those pair of boring eyes and ignore everything around me, while choking myself with the fast beating of my heart. He had super shiny black hair that seemed so soft to touch. Pulang-pula ang mga labi niyang mamasa-masa.

He smirked when he noticed that I was checking out every bit of his goodness. Crap, umurong bigla iyong nararamdaman kong pagkasuka dahil sa ginawa niyang iyon.

"Go back to your room," seryoso niyang sabi. It wasn't a statement, it was an order that I couldn't break through. And uh, when did he ever learn speaking English? He was like the member who was most terrible in English!

Yumuko ako habang kabado pa ring pinaglalaruan ang dulo ng sleeves ng sweater ni Jimin na suot ko. Gusto ko pa sanang alalahanin ang bango ng suot ko pero hindi ko kayang mag-isip ng kung ano gayong nasa harap ko si Yoongi at nakatitig sa akin. He was keeping me focused with those lazy eyes.

"I… uh, I…" I stuttered as I couldn't think of a perfect alibi, my lips only barely parting. Baka masuka na talaga ako!

There were lots of things I wanted to say but why… couldn't I open my mouth?! Gusto kong sabihin na gusto ko nang bumalik sa airport at gusto ko nang maka-alis dito. I just wanted to live peacefully my old quiet life. Why couldn't they just give it to me…?

Bumuntong-hininga siya na para bang nakakapagod akong kausap. Tinalikuran niya ako at naglakad siya palayo. His lazy lean back straying from my sight.

I just stared at him confusedly until he went inside one of the rooms. It was located across the door of Jimin and Taehyung's room. I exhaled deeply with that, my heart slowly coming back to its normal operation. Ngayong wala na siya ay may pagkakataon na akong lumabas pero bakit ayaw kumilos ng mga paa ko? I firmly closed my eyes. Ito na nga ba ang kinakatakot ko. Ayaw kong humantong sa puntong hindi ko na gugustuhin pang umalis.

I thought he was gone but then I almost stumbled down when he went out from his room holding a tablet on his hands. He walked towards me and stopped only a meter away from me. His lazy eyes bored at me again. At halos magpasalamat ako nang hindi na bumalik ang nararamdaman kong pagsusuka kanina dahil mas nangingibabaw ang pagtataka ko.

Nagtataka man ay kinuha ko ang tablet. I stared confusedly down at the gadget, thinking deeply about why he gave it to me. Unti-unting luminaw ang lahat sa akin nang makita at mabasa ko ang kung anong naroon. On the screen of the tab was a site. Nakita ko pa sa itaas na parte ng site na naka-translate sa English ang mga salita at nasa gilid ang katanungang: Read in Korean Language?

There were series of related issues on the site, tackling one certain topic with different versions but with the familiar photos.

'When will BTS JIMIN say something about the rumor of his unrevealed girlfriend?'

'Fans are asking for answer about the dating rumor of BTS member, JIMIN.'

'Fans are eager to know this girl who captured the heart of the BTS main dancer.'

'BH Entertainment has not yet released any statement regarding the dating rumor of  the BTS member, JIMIN.'

'BTS JIMIN caught kissing his girlfriend in a coffee shop.'

'Is BTS JIMIN busy with his career or busy dating his girlfriend?'

'Reporters rushed to Incheon International Airport after getting a report that BTS JIMIN's unrevealed girlfriend is departing outside the country.'

'Still, not only fans but also reporters got rattled because of BTS JIMIN's girl. Was she able to go out the country?'

'Does BTS JIMIN's schedule include going out of the country?'

Nanghina ako sa mga larawang nakita ko at sa mga balitang nabasa ko. Wow. Just wow. I had managed to be in the showbiz news again. I had managed to be in the hot topic of Korean showbiz news. Tatawa na ba ako? O baka naman nasa isang reality show ako at joke lang ito lahat? Kailangan ko pa bang hintaying lumitaw ang hidden camera? Copycat lang naman ni Yoongi itong kaharap ko, 'di ba?

I waited… I waited for minutes until I finally realized that all of these were real. I wasn't in a reality show nor this was just a dream. These were all real. Napagtanto ko na pero kailan ko matatanggap?

I just messed up my own life.

Napahikbi ako dahil sa lahat ng mga nangyayari at sa mga natuklasan ko. Upon that harsh realization, na-realize ko rin kung gaano kahirap ang lahat ng ito para kay Jimin at maging sa buong grupo ng BTS. I messed up not only my life but their lives too, their careers.

"Yah…" Narinig kong mahinang sabi sa akin ni Yuan.

Nag-angat ako ng mukha ko at unti-unti siyang tiningala. His face didn't show much of emotions but I could tell that everything wasn't favoring him at all. From my blurry vision, I saw how his white handsome face deteriorated.

"Aish. I've lost words to say!" he said something that beyond my comprehension.

Hindi naman ako iyaking tao pero sa mga nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko, ang pag-iyak lang ang pinakanag-papagaan ng loob ko.

I gave the tablet back to him as he just stared confusedly at me, my heart sank and my sobs just grew louder as I failed to stop my tears from shamelessly streaming.

You should be mad at me. I apologetically looked at him. Hindi dapat nila ako itinatago rito dahil mas masisira lang ang career nila. People would soon find out that I was here and it would ruin them.

Absentmindedly, I walked back towards the door I came from. Tahimik kong binuksan ang pinto ngunit may mga hikbi pa ring kumakawala sa bibig ko. I went in the room and closed the door silently.

Great, Hanselle. Way to a very long cry again. My inner Goddess sighed at me.

Right, I had been crying all day, could I have a break?

With my puffy and hurting eyes, pinagmasdan ko ang mga paper bags na nasa kama. Hindi ko kilala ang mga brands na nakasulat sa mga ito, malamang Korean brands pero halatang mamahalin.

Ilang oras matapos ang paghaharap namin ni Yoongi, I had just stayed sitting silently at the side of Jimin's bed, my eyes were sore from a long cry and my heart was aching. I was just thinking of nothing in particular, nang dumating si Jimin dala ang mga paper bags na ito.

Nahuli ko pa siyang pinakatitigan ang mukha ko habang kunot ang mga noo niya at naka-awang ang mga labi. Nahalata niya malamang sa mukha ko na umiyak ko. Though he didn't say anything, that I had just silently thanked for. I didn't need his sympathy now.

Agad din naman siyang lumabas, sensing my silence. Well, after he stared problematically at the untouched food on the bedside table but since I was too engulfed with my own thinking, he never got a response from me.

That I'm sorry, Jimin. Tahimik kong nai-usal nang mag-isa na naman ako sa kuwarto.

Hindi naman nila kailangan gawin ito. If people needed answers, then I could give it to them. Handa akong humarap sa kanila at sagutin lahat ng mga tanong nila. I just needed to tell the truth. Iyon lang naman ang paraan para maayos ang lahat ng ito e. But why they weren't yet talking to me regarding that issue? Hindi ba dapat ngayon kinakausap na nila ako at kinukumbinsi na sabihin ang totoo sa mga tao? Pero bakit wala pa rin silang ginagawa?!

Maybe, I must be the one to approach them first.

Dahan-dahan akong tumayo. Muntik ko pang masagi ang tray na nasa mesa dahil sa nanghihina pa rin pala ang mga tuhod ko. Mabuti na lang at mabilis akong nakahawak sa gilid ng mesa. Crap, this was so frustrating! I slowly walked towards the door after making sure that I could already walk properly. Gaya kanina, dahan-dahan ko ring pinihit ang seradura, nag-iingat na huwag makalikha ng kahit na anong ingay.

The door clicked. I carefully pulled the door a little. Umalingawngaw ang ingay na nanggagaling sa labas. Voices, laughs, stomps and music. Sumilip ako sa kaunting siwang na ginawa ko sa pinto.

Sa sala, naroon ang pinagmumulan ng ingay. The whole BTS. They were all laughing with the silliness of J-Hope. Hinahabol ni J-Hope si Jimin na may hawak na stuffed toy na ahas, si RM ay natatawang sinasaway sila, si Yoongi na tahimik lang sa isang tabi na tipong walang paki-alam at nasa mukha ni Taehyung na gustong-gusto niyang sumali sa habulan ng dalawa. Jin and Jungkook were playing something connected to the big screen television. Perhaps, a video game?

Makalat ang ibabaw ng rectangular table na nasa gitna nila dahil sa mga bukas na chichirya.

They were BTS. I was one of their fans and I knew, this was their normalcy. Magulo talaga kapag magkakasama sila. Hindi halatang may pinagdadaanan silang problema.

Buti pa sila, they could only laugh off their problems. Pero hindi kasi ako ganoon. Ang problema ay problema. It needed to be solved first before everything and now that we shared a piece of each other's problems… I thought, I will need to do something about this.

Hindi ko hahayaang masira sila dahil sa akin. I could afford my life to get ruined but not theirs.