Chapter Eleven

If this was once again one of my dreams, one of my awake dreaming, please, could somebody wake me up? I wouldn't kill, I promised. I just needed to get away from everything. I just wanted to escape all this. I just wanted to get my simple life back where there was chaos but no trouble.

My simple life where only seeing them on screen could make me happy, where only silently hoping for them could give me life and where only loving Jimin in silence could pleasure me. My life where no people wanting to invade my life and where no media wanting to meddle with my privacy. Just, my simple life.

I then asked myself, where did I go wrong? Mali ba ako ng choice na napili? Where did these all start? Noon bang napanood ko ang isa sa mga music videos ng BTS na siyang kumuha ng atensyon ko? O baka naman noong nag-uumpisa na akong magka-interes kay Jimin? Probably, the time when I had finally accepted him in my heart? But that was too long ago, that was a year ago!

Maybe, it was the time when I had got this job and got to go here in Korea? Maybe it was a mistake that I even had a chance to enter the BH Ent. Building? It could be the time when I had encountered JM in the elevator of all people and it made it even worst when I had met the whole Bulletproof. That was a coincidence! Because it could be my stupid decision when I chose to follow my heart and I ignored my mind.

Kung sana sinunod ko ang gusto ng isip ko at hinayaan ang pag-aalburoto ng puso, e 'di sana wala ako sa sasakyang ito. If only I didn't turn down my mind for the second time, then I would be peacefully flying out of Korea now.

No media. No reporters and no Bulletproof. Peaceful life.

"She has been so silent." I heard Jimin say in the middle of the silent and very uncomfortable ride inside the BTS service van.

I could hear them of course. I was just too tired to entertainment them. Kung sa ibang sitwasyon lang ay baka nakikipag-usap ako sa kanila katulad noong nakaraan pero masyado akong wala sa sarili ko. I still needed to decipher if these were all real. If not, then I needed to wake up. If this was real, then I needed a break. I was still in deep turmoil since my simple life took a one-hundred-eighty degree turn and it pretty well spun my mind too.

Nakakahilo…

"Is this all right? We stopped her flight to save her and what's next?" Followed by J-Hope's natural quirky but worried voice, it only passed through my ears as I remained silent.

"If we didn't stop her then the media could've seen her. This is the best we did." RM's calm and soft voice didn't change the fact that I didn't want any of this.

"I'm worried about her though. She's not usually this silent."

The track of my mind stopped and I immediately turned to look at the owner of that soft and very worried voice. I gaped as I saw Jimin looking at me with those small eyes, filled with worry. Mukhang hindi lang ako ang nagulat sa sinabi niya dahil maging ang ibang miyembro ng BTS ay nasa kaniya ang atensyon.

Si Yoongi na kanina pa nakapikit ay nakatingin na rin kay Jimin. Maging sina Taehyung at Jungkook na kanina pa naghaharutan sa likod ay nasa kay Jimin na rin ang atensyon. And also both RM and Jin including J-Hope who were trying to talk to me.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinabing iyon ni Jimin pero tumagos sa dibdib ko ang lambot at puno ng pag-aalala niyang boses, dumagdag pa ang pag-aalalang sumasalamin sa mga mata niya. No, I didn't want to know, I didn't want to dive into those eyes… it would only jail me even more.

Bumalik sa labas ng bintana ang paningin ko. Once again, my phone rang for the umpteenth time inside my sling bag. Hindi na ako nag-abala pang tingnan ito dahil alam ko namang si Chelsea ang tumatawag. I just stared at nothing in particular, feeling very bothered and confused.

"Hey! Do you care for her now?" Umalingawngaw sa loob ng sasakyan ang matigas at malalim na tinig ni Taehyung, hindi man lang itinago mula sa akin ang disgusto niya dahil sa tono ng boses niya.

Pumikit ako at mas nagsumiksik sa may pinto. I knew that they didn't want me here that was why I couldn't understand why they stopped my flight. Wala pa rin kasing nagpapaliwanag sa akin ng lahat.

"She's involved with me now, so I take full responsibility of her," Jimin answered, still in a soft and worried voice.

Pagod na rin akong makinig sa mga sinasabi nilang wala naman akong maintindihan. They could talk and talk and I would stay quiet. I knew, Taehyung didn't want my presence, he didn't like me and he didn't even try to hide it.

They continued arguing over something I couldn't catch until the car stopped in front of an unfamiliar big house. Hindi ko namalayan ang pagpasok ng sasakyan sa isang village. Bumaba silang lahat ng sasakyan at ako naman ay nanatiling nasa loob, walang balak lumabas.

I stared at them as they confusedly stared back at me. I sighed exasperatedly in resignation. "Take me back to the airport," I said, firmly. I tried to gulp the hard lump in my throat as I sighed again. It was seriously hard not to fan girl but what was happening right now wasn't funny anymore!

Pumikit si RM na tipong nahihirapan din sa sitwasyon at nang dumilat siya ay sa akin dumiretso ang mga malalamlam niyang mga mata. He looked tired and I felt sorry. For real.

"Look, Miss. You can't go back there, as of the moment," he told me softly as if he was afraid he would send me the wrong idea. And yes, hindi ko gustong isipin na nag-aalala silang makita ako ng media. Of course, they didn't want the media to see me so that they could save themselves. Hindi ako puwedeng mag-isip ng iba pa. There was no way they would do this for me.

Just who the hell was I?!

"Why not? I have my flight there! I need to go back to the Philippines! I wanna go home! Let me go home! Le-Let me go h-home…" Hindi ko napigilan ang paghikbi dahil sa halo-halong emosyong pumupuno sa dibdib ko. My eyes became the outlet of all of my untamed emotions and my throat gave up from the painful congestion. Hindi ko na inalintana pa kung makita man nila akong umiiyak.

Who cares?!

I held firmly on the holder of the other door, feeling so damned in front of them. Hindi ako aalis dito. They needed to bring me back to the airport. I needed to catch my flight. I wanted to be out of this place as soon as possible dahil ikababaliw ko kung mananatili pa ako rito!

Hinawakan ni Jin ang balikat ni RM. He lightly nodded at the latter before he turned to me. Malamlam din ang mga tinging ibinibigay niya sa akin. Pumasok siya sa loob ng sasakyan at naupo ng ilang dipa mula sa akin.

I couldn't with his comforting presence, he just made me cry even more.

"Misseu, you need to listen to us. For now, we only want what is safe for you," malumanay na wika ni Jin sa akin na para bang nakikipag-usap lang sa isang bata. He tried to reach for me but I just sulked away from him.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko para pigilang mapahikbi ulit. What was best for me. I was not safe around them! Paulit-ulit kong paniniwalain ang sarili ko na posible sila and it was not healthy for me! Everywhere I looked, I was lost! Because this wasn't where I should be, this wasn't where I belonged. At sinong niloko niya? Alam kong ginagawa nila ito para sa mga sarili nila! I wouldn't ever be in the equation! I was just a tool! Or it was better to say that I was just a dirt they needed to be out of the scene for their beloved careers!

Marahas akong umiling. "Please. Please, Jin. Just bring me back to the airport. P-Please…" I sniffed as I stared at him, pleadingly.

Bumuntong-hininga siya at nilingon ang mga kasama niya. They were all looking frustratedly at me. I could see that they were all trying so hard for me but I couldn't see the need, really. They just needed to bring me back to the airport for all of this to end.

I knew why they were keeping me here for! Hindi naman ako magsasalita ng tungkol sa kanila! I also doubted if those reporters at the airport already knew me! Baka nga nandoon lang ang mga iyon at nagbabaka-sakaling makakuha ng scoop!

"Just drag her out!" Taehyung then shouted angrily from behind Jin.

Halos mapatalon ako sa kinauupuan ko dahil sa gulat sa biglaan niyang pagsigaw at nakita kong nakatitig siya sa akin gamit ang mga nanlilisik na mga mata. My lips quivered for another sob as my heart sank at his harsh attitude. Alam kong sa akin siya sumigaw. He must really hate me. Kim Taehyung hated me, and that was very disappointing.

"Yah! Stop scaring her, Tae!" J-Hope said in an awkward tone as he kiddingly hit Taehyung while side-glancing at me. Inis na napakamot sa ulo si Taehyung bago bumirit ng alis. Sumunod sa kaniya si Jungkook na wala namang sinasabi pero halatang hindi rin pabor sa mga nangyayari.

Nang dumako kay Yoongi ang paningin ko ay humikab lang siya at tahimik na umalis rin, tinahak ang parehong daang tinahak ng dalawa.

See how they acted when I was around? Hindi talaga nila ako gusto. And I didn't have a face for those people who didn't like me. I didn't seek a place in those people lives. I only lived in where I thought I belonged… and I didn't belong here.

"Sorry for that. Come on, Miss. When everything gets settled, I promise, we will let you go," RM said, still sounding so soft and calm as if pampering a little kid.

Apat na lang silang natitira sa harap ko na pare-parehong malungkot na nakatitig sa akin. It felt like they were sharing the same hollowness I was feeling inside.

My eyes then hesitantly looked for Jimin. Nahanap ko siya sa likod ni RM, nakapamulsa at diretsong nakatayo. He was intently yet softly staring at me too. His eyes told sincerity and security and I couldn't help but get dragged deeper with those black glassy circles. Sinabi nang ayaw ko na e!

I sobbed silently, seeing his eyes as my comfort in this messy havoc. Yumuko ako at tahimik na pinunasan ang mga luha ko nang may maputing kamay na lumitaw sa harap ko. Sinundan ko ng tingin ang brasong iyon at dinala ako nito sa pares ng magagandang mata. The most beautiful eyes my eyes had ever laid on. I didn't know that it was possible to see such beauty that I just wanted to tear up and calm down. Eyes that always smiled even though he was not smiling.

Wala na si Jin sa harap ko dahil ang nagmamay-ari ng mga magagandang matang iyon ay si Jimin at nilulunod na naman ako ng mga magaganda niyang mga mata na kahit kailan ay hindi ko inaasahang magagawa akong titigan ng sobrang lambot at puno ng pag-aalala.

Park Jimin was staring softly and worriedly at me, wasn't that very eventful?

"I… will promise to keep you safe, Misseu," aniya sa bayanad na tinig, it almost came out as a whisper.

Just a moment ago, he showed me salvation without security and now I couldn't understand him but I felt safe at all so without a second thought, I put my hand on top of his and let my heart once again reign.

Letting Jimin drag me deeper, harder and irrevocably down the fall.

I couldn't let myself be stuck down the fall, I needed to get moving and think of a plan. I couldn't just stay sitting on this bed inside this luxurious ocean blue room and doing nothing, just staring at the photo frames on the bedside table.

Tumayo ako at dahan-dahang lumapit sa pinto. I opened it a bit only to see the whole member of BTS in the wide living room, having a what seemed like a very serious—note the sarcasm—meeting.

Si RM at Jin lang ang madalas na nagsasalita while Jimin and J-Hope were giving side comments. The others were all just attentively listening—oh wait, Taehyung and Jungkook were playing and seemed like not really paying attention but the elders were very serious.

Hindi napigilan ng mga mata kong pagmasdan ang buong paligid. This wasn't just a typical house, seeing that popular idols lived here. The house looked so classic and modern. Maraming pintong nakapalibot sa malawak na living room at wala akong nakikitang staircase para sa second floor. I guessed, those doors were bedrooms at ang kuwartong kinaroroonan ko ay isa lang sa mga kuwartong nakapalibot sa living room ng bahay.

It was minutes ago since they had decided where room should I be in and since they all left me alone as I wished.

I silently closed the door and went back to the bed, sighing deeply for the umpteenth time. Nilingon ko ang bedside table na napapagitnaan ng dalawang kama. Naroon ang isang picture frame kung nasaan ang litrato ng buong BTS, also Taehyung's and Jimin's individual photo frames stood beside it.

May dalawang kama ang kuwarto. Kulay asul ang parehong bed sheets ng mga ito. Hindi ko alam kung alin ang kay Jimin at kay Taehyung sa mga ito. Ang mga dingding ay purong asul din ang mga kulay maging ang carpet na tinatapakan ko hanggang sa ceiling. The furniture were all wooden made. There were paintings on the wall too. May dalawang magkaharap na wooden closets sa magkabilang gilid ng silid na nagpapakitang ang silid na ito ay pag-aari ng dalawang tao. One white closet and blue closet.

Lumipas pa ang ilang minuto bago ko narinig na bumukas ang pinto. Naunang iniluwa ng pinto si Taehyung na nakabusangot at mabibigat ang mga yapak  kasunod si Jimin na kalmado lang ang mukha.

Agad akong tumayo sa gilid ng kama at yumuko. Sa hitsura pa lang ni Taehyung, alam kong hindi niya ako mapapatawad kung sakali mang kama niya ang inuupuan ko.

"We're doomed if manager hyung finds this out," Tan said in an irritated voice as he walked towards the other bed.

I sighed for that. At least, hindi naman pala kaniya ang kamang kinaroroonan ko. Itong kama ang mas malapit sa kantong sa tingin ko ay patungo sa banyo.

Lumapit sa akin si Jimin at nagsimula na namang kumalabog ang dibdib ko. Hindi mapakaling napayuko akong muli, pinapanalanging sana ay lamunin na ako ng lupa. He saw me crying earlier! And that was so embarrassing!

"That's why we need to be careful," Jimin answered Taehyung. Lumapit siya sa asul na closet na nasa bahaging ito ng silid at kaharap ang kamang kinauupuan ko. Iyon malamang ang closet niya. Binuksan niya iyon.

Nakita ko ang ilang mga damit na naroon, mga hoodie na kagaya noong ipinahiram niya sa akin noon at ilang mga sweater. May mga nakatupi pa sa ibabang bahagi.

"I don't understand why we need to do this for her." Taehyung spoke again, his deep voice sending goosebumps to me.

" Just think that you're doing this for me," Jimin said while still busy rummaging through his properly fixed clothes inside his closet.

I couldn't believe this. Nasa bahay ako ng BTS, sa mismong kuwarto nina Taehyung at Jimin. Hindi ako makapaniwalang nag-uusap sila sa harap ko at nakikita ko ang bawat kilos ni Jimin. What a long and real hallucination…

Naglabas si Jimin ng isang white and pink striped sweater na may kapares na pajama bottom. Lumapit siya sa akin at nahihiyang inabot ang damit. Hindi siya makatingin ng diretso sa mga mata ko na para bang kakainin ko siya ng buhay. Hindi ko tuloy mapigilang pamulahan ng pisngi dahil nagkakaganito siya sa harap ko.

Just who was I again?

"You… you c-change to this." He struggled to speak in English but he still did. Nahihiyang nakangiti siya na maging ang mga mata niya ay ngumingiti rin, malayong-malayo sa walang emosyon niyang hitsura noong unang beses kaming nagkita sa loob ng lift.

I nervously took the clothes from him. "T-thanks," I answered him, struggling to calm my drumming heart because of his nearness and the fact that he would let me borrow his clothes.

Tumango siya ngunit hindi na muling nagsalita. He walked to a corner and stopped in front of a door. Binuksan niya iyon at sinenyasan ako na pumasok sa loob. Naintindihan kong iyon ang banyo.

Matapos akong magpalit ay nakita ko si Jimin at Taehyung na naghihilahan sa kama ng huli. May hawak si Jimin na bed sheet sa isang braso niya habang hinihila niya ang nakahigang si Taehyung. Taehyung's frowning face looked cute as he was being pulled out the bed by a grinning Jimin.

"Yah! You can't sleep here!" Jimin told Taehyung while still pulling him up from the bed.

"Why can't I sleep in my own room?!" Taehyung answered Jimin as he pushed Jimin away. Pinagsisipa niya si Jimin habang mas sumisimangot pa.

"We'll sleep outside! Come on, Tae!" Jimin said, the grin on his lips slightly disappearing.

Tumikhim ako para kunin ang atensyon nila. Seeing them playing tug of war in their own room kinds of entertained me but I couldn't let myself be swept again. I needed to strongly hold my ground. Ang masanay sa lahat ng mga bagay at mga pangyayari rito ay hindi puwede. because all of this was just temporary.

This had ending. This would end.

Nagulat sila sa ginawa ko kaya pareho silang bumagsak sa kama nang malakas na bawiin ni Taehyung ang paa niya na mukhang ayaw bitiwan ni Jimin. Nanlalaki ang mga mata ni Jimin habang si Taehyung ay kunot ang noo.

Naisip kong kung dito ako matutulog, walang matutulugan si Jimin. I didn't want him to lend his bed for me and he would sleep outside. Hindi rin ako makakatulog kasama si Taehyung sa kuwartong ito. I guessed, I could manage to sleep on the couch in the living room.

I nervously held the hem of the sweater tightly behind me as I gulped hardly. This was more awkward, having to get his attentions and their stares. Could I just hid under the ground, or at least, under the bed?

"I… I uh, I just want to… I just want to say that I can sleep outside," I told them stuttering as I nervously pursed my quivering lips.

Jimin's existence wasn't helping me at all plus those glares from Taehyung, they were making my knees tremble in fear! Hindi nga siguro ako masasanay rito!

Mabilis na tumayo si Jimin saka magkakasunod na umiling. "No! No… we s-sleep outside," putol-putol na sagot niya habang hawak pa rin ang isang paa ni Taehyung at yakap pa rin sa isang braso ang isang unan.

"Yah! Why would I sleep outside?!" sigaw ni Taehyung saka marahas na bumangon at marahas rin akong binalingan.

Napatalon ako sa gulat kasabay ng panlalambot ang mga tuhod ko. I was just barely standing and if he would continue acting that way, I would surely stumble down and break. I needed something to hold on.

I couldn't trust my own ground… just like how I couldn't trust the state of my heart right now.