Chapter Sixty-one

Sa ikasampung beses ay muli kong binisita na naman ang gallery ng phone ko kung nasaan ang mga pictures namin ni Jimin noong birthday niya, ilang araw na ang nakalipas. May mga files na ako ng mga pictures at videos ng BTS noon pa pero gumawa ako ng sariling folder ng mga pictures namin ni Jimin, kahit iyong dating video niya na kinakanta niya para sa akin ang kantang 'Shy' ay naroon sa bagong folder na ginawa ko.

I named the folder 'My Beautiful Dream' because despite how real everything was, he would forever be a dream for me, a very vivid and beautiful dream I just didn't ever want to wake up from.

I even copied all the files to my laptop as a backup, I even used one of our photos as the desktop wallpaper. Hindi ko naman nilalabas ang laptop ko at nandito lang ito sa bahay kaya walang makakakita nito.

I smiled widely as I saw a photo of us, we were both wearing our matching sweater and were both smiling happily on the camera.

"We looked good… perfect even more," natatawang komento ko habang izinu-zoom ang photo sa mukha ni Jimin.

Jimin indeed still was my once in a blue moon and he would be forever my dream came true. Hindi pa rin kasi ako makapaniwalang kasama ko siya sa isang picture gayong pinapangarap ko lang siya sa mga pictures noon.

Seriously, Hanselle, you've hugged and you've kissed already and now you're being a messy crap over just a photo with him?! My inner Goddess wouldn't just let me have my peaceful thinking.

Nang maubos ko nang bisitahin ang lahat ng pictures namin, I even watched his video again making me think of myself being the luckiest and most beautiful girl in the world, after that I decided to just browse on Twitter for the updates about BTS.

There were lots of updates about their concert, about how they were all working so well, about how they were all making their ARMYs very happy. And I was so proud.

Hindi ko akalaing makakarating ako sa puntong magiging proud ako sa kanila, as not just one of their fans… but as someone very close to them. Someone very close to their heart.

Napa-ayos ako ng upo nang mapansin ko ang post ng isa sa mga biggest fan sites ni Jimin na dumaan sa feeds ko. Picture iyon na kuha habang nag-pe-perform on stage si Jimin, pawisan siya at napakaguwapo. Just the photo spoke of so much passion and power. I had actually seen a lot of different versions of the photo but this fan site's caption was what caught my attention.

'I'm seeing a rose gold ring hanging around Jimin's neck. #JAPANTourDay18.'

At may marami iyong retweets, hearts at comments pero hindi na ako nag-usisa pa sa mga comments dahil mas naka-agaw ng atensyon ko ang mismong picture.

"What… what is this?" taka kong tanong sa sarili ko dahil na-curious din ako. I opened the photo and zoomed it in Jimin's chest. Nakita kong may suot ngang long chained silver necklace si Jimin at may singsing na pendant. I again zoomed the photo and focused it on the pendant… on the ring.

Unti-unting nadako sa kaliwang kamay ko ang mga mata ko nang makilala ko ang singsing na nasa kuwintas ni Jimin, sa daliri ko kung saan isinuot sa akin ni Jimin ang singsing na ibinigay niya noon.

"No… no way," I slowly uttered in both disbelief and amazement. Kumalabog ang dibdib ko at nanghina ang kamay kong hawak ang phone ko, I couldn't believe at what I was seeing.

The two rings looked the same.

I never took the ring off my finger since Jimin had given it to me and I had never ever thought that this had a partner. Ang buong akala ko ay single ring lang ang ibinigay niya sa akin. It never crossed my mind at all that I was wearing a couple ring… and he was wearing the other one. We were wearing a couple ring all this time!

Crap, Jimin! Why are you like this? You're making me fall even deeper and harder than I actually am? And I can't believe there's still deeper than what I'm feeling right now.

I thought, ang matching sweaters ang unang couple stuff na ginagamit namin, hindi ko alam na matagal na pala kaming may couple stuff na suot. And a couple rings at that!

Binalikan ko ang mga pictures namin ni Jimin noong birthday niya at napakatanga ko para hindi mapansing may suot nga siyang kuwintas noon, though nakatago sa loob ng sweater niya ang pendant. Hindi ako makapaniwalang na-itago niya sa akin iyon. Seriously, bakit hindi ko napansin?!

"What else are you hiding from me, Jimin?" I crazily asked in the air while staring at his smiling face on my phone.

I remembered my pictures on his phone, those he took when we were still both a stranger to each other. Ang tagal din niyang itinago sa akin ang mga pictures na iyon. The ones he took during their concert in Manila. Just again, who would think? He even acted so indifferent to me the first time we met inside the elevator at Bighit Building.

I wondered if he recognized me that day and just pretended like he didn't or it took him long enough to realize that I was the girl on his phone? Kailan naman kaya niya nalaman na ako nga iyon? Seriously, he had a lot of things hiding from me!

"Whatever. We're now what we are 'cause fate brought us here." Nagkibit-balikat ako dahil naisip kong nandito na kami, nandito kami kasi nakatadhana kami sa isa't isa.

Ang sarap lang talagang ipagsigawan sa lahat, sa buong mundo na sa akin nakatadhana si Park Jimin. Kahit na hindi pa siya si Park Jimin ng BTS, kahit na si Park Jimin lang siya ng Busan, mamahalin ko pa rin siya. Kasi nakatadhana kaming dalawa. And no, I wouldn't let anything ruin what we had, not his career, not his fans and not even any other circumstances.

Malapit nang matapos ang tour ng BTS sa Japan dahil ilang araw na lang ang natitirang concert nila at babalik na sila sa Korea. Patapos na rin ang buwan ng October, ang bilis ng panahon. From what I heard from Jimin, they would be having a comeback again after the tour. Maybe, that would be the first thing they would do next year. Siyempre, malaking paghahanda ang kailangan nilang gawin dahil panibagong concept na naman.

Days passed very fast. Bukas na ang pinakahuling tour nila sa Japan at babalik na sila sa Korea. It had been almost a month. We had managed to survive even without us getting in touch. Ang mga nangyari noong birthday ni Jimin ay sapat na para makampante kami pareho. He had explained that he couldn't touch his phone until the tour ended. At naiintindihan ko siya sa bagay na iyon. Isang buwan lang naman ang kinailangan naming tiisin.

BTS had a lot of activities even before their comeback. Magkakaroon sila ng massive fan meeting sa Korea. It would maybe their token of appreciation for their fans since the tour was a success. I could only imagine how lucky Korean ARMYs were.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang may maabutan akong basket ng mga prutas sa coffee table sa living room. Nagtatakang nilingon ko ang direksyon ng kitchen dahil nakakarinig ako ng ingay mula roon bago ako magpasyang pumunta sa kusina.

"Mang!" I exclaimed as I saw my mother in front of the stove, wearing one of my useless aprons, her back was facing me and she seemed so busy. Magulo ang countertop dahil sa dami ng mga ingredients at mga bowls na nandoon, plus ilang mga paper bags ng groceries.

She turned around casually at me as if she was doing a normal thing. Ni hindi siya nagulat nang makita ako at parang wala lang na ngumiti. Hindi na naman siya tumawag o nag-text man lang, palagi na lang talaga niya ako ginugulat ng ganito.

"Oh, dumating ka na pala. Just in time! Luto na itong adobo," masiglang sagot niya sabay patay ng stove.

Naiintindihan ko namang mas malaki ang lugar ng pagiging 'nanay' sa puso niya kaysa sa pagiging 'chairwoman' ng Montecarlos kaya nagagawa niyang magsingit ng panahon para sa akin, naiintindihan ko, pero alam ko ring nakaka-abala ako sa kaniya. What if she left a lot of paper works to sign just to be here?

"Mang, what are you doing here?" I helplessly asked her while staring at her getup. Sa hitsura niya ngayon habang nakasimpleng white blouse polo at maroon slacks na pinatungan niya ng mint floral apron, hindi talaga aakaling namamahala siya ng malaking korporasyon at asawa ng isang magaling na lawyer sa bansa.

Well, I loved my mother but I hoped she learned to stop giving me surprise visits.

"Kumain muna tayo, 'nak." She told me as she smiled. She took off the apron and prepared the countertop. Itinabi niya mga paper bags at nilinis ang mga waste ingredients.

Bumuntong-hininga na lang ako dahil wala naman na akong magagawa. I was sure, she had someone to do her job in the company, at least I hoped so. Kahit naman wala akong balak na magtrabaho sa Montecarlos o mamahala ng isa sa mga negosyo ng pamilya, concern pa rin naman ako dahil pag-aari pa rin iyon ni Mamang. I walked towards one of the stools and silently sat while watching her prepare the foods. My nostril immediately reacted the moment Mamang put all the foods on the table.

"You didn't miss my Adobo, hm?" Mamang teased as she caught me looking excitedly at the foods. Hindi ko naman talaga ma-ipagkakailang gustong-gusto ko ang luto ni Mamang sa tuwing dumadalaw siya rito, plus natutuwa akong makasabay siyang kumain.

Ngumuso ako. "Or you could've texted me that you're coming over." Hindi ko napigilan ang ngumiti at excited nang nagsimulang kumain.

She also sat on the other stool beside me and happily ate together with me. This was what I liked whenever she was coming over here and giving me a surprise visit, I always got to eat her dishes plus I could get to eat with her.

My mother was the best of best cooks. I just felt bad I didn't inherit even just a little of her skills. Hindi naman kasi niya kami pinapayagang magtungo sa kusina noong mga bata pa kami, plus when I started living alone, I didn't learn how to cook.

"Dahan-dahan sa pagkain, marami akong niluto," she said chuckling.

"Nagsasawa na po kasi ako sa mga pagkain ng mga fast-food chai—" I stopped myself before I said something even worse. Nahinto ako sa pagsubo at mahigpit na napahawak sa kutsara't tinidor. I slowly raised my head and met her gaze. Napalunok ako nang makita ang seryosong tingin ni Mamang sa akin saka mariing kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko.

Noisy mouth!

"Hanselle." She firmly called my name in a stern voice as she dropped her spoon and fork that created a loud and frantic sound. Yumuko ako at mariing pumikit dahil alam kong higit sa lahat ng mga ikinagagalit ni Mamang ay ang pagkain sa mga fast-food chains ang ayaw niya.

Now, I was doomed.

"I came here to visit my oh-so independent daughter because she's too busy to visit her family and to talk to her about some stuff only to find out some things… and now this," nakakatakot ang tonong sabi ni Mamang.

Some things… now that was confusing. Bukod dito, may iba pa siyang nalaman before hand?

I couldn't do anything but to silently slouch in my seat and accept her scoldings. I could already hear her old warnings and reminders not to eat any fast-food chain meals at some part of my mind, but what could I do either? It was not as if I could really cook for myself. Baka kapag sinubukan ko man lang ay magising na lang ako kinabukasan na nasa loob ng presinto sa kasong Arson.

Great. I could really put this entire building on fire!

"I told you to hire even just a single maid, makatulong man lang sa lahat ng hindi mo kayang gawin dito sa bahay. Hays, I don't know what to do with you anymore." Ibinulong lang ni Mamang ang pangungusap pero umabot ito sa pandinig ko. Nagpakawala siya ng malalim at eksasperadong hininga na para bang hindi talaga siya natutuwa.

Mang, it's not your fault that you gave birth to a girl like me who can't do anything.

"You know Mang, hindi sasapat ang sahod ko para pasahurin—"

"Hanselle, hindi kami nagtatrabaho ng Papa mo para pahirapan kayong magkakapatid. Hire a maid," galit na sabi niya habang damang-dama ko sa tono ng boses niya ang pagka-insulto. People would really go teasing at my parents if they see me. May-ari si Mamang ng isang conglomerate at isang sikat at in-demand na lawyer si Papang, and here I was… living so low cost.

"Pero Mang—"

"Hire a maid," madiin niyang sabi na para bang hindi niya pakikinggan ang anumang sasabihin ko. "It'll be the only way to assure me that you'll be fine here alone. You don't want me to send your brother here and live with you, right?"

"No!" agad kong sabi. Napatayo ako at malakas na naibagsak sa mesa ang dalawang kamay dahil sa takot sa gustong mangyari ni Mamang. "I mean…" I realized what I did. That was too defensive. "I mean, I'm fine with the maid. Okay, I'll hire one." I sighed in defeat.

That was more better than have my brother live here. Hindi ako matatahimik at mapapalagay kapag nangyari iyon at baka malaman ni Kuya Haynes ang relasyon namin ni Jimin. That wouldn't be a good thing, seriously.

"I'll send manang Bing here for you. It's better to hire who's trustworthy," aniyang medyo kalmado na kaya bahagya akong nakahinga ng maluwag. My mother was a very soft-hearted person, mabilis lang siyang pakalmahin kapag galit siya, she couldn't even go mad at people for long.

Tumango ako bilang pagpayag kahit na ayaw ko. If she only didn't catch me red-handed, there was no way I would hire a maid.

Nang matapos kaming kumain ay ako na ang nagligpit ng lahat. I put the leftovers inside the refrigerator and washed the dishes. Maybe my mother was right, I really needed a maid since I didn't like this kind of house chores. Nang nagtungo ako sa sala pagkatapos sa kusina ay naabutan ko siyang mukhang may kinakalikot sa couch.

"Mang…" tawag ko sa kaniya. She was being weird. I knew, she used to clean my house but what she was doing wasn't exactly cleaning… it looked like she was inspecting.

"Umamin ka nga sa akin, Hanselle. Are you seeing someone?" tanong niyang punong-puno ng hinala. She was holding one of the round throw pillows while staring suspiciously at me.

Napanganga ako. I was caught off guard as I was nailed on my ground. I didn't know if she was just being suspicious or she already knew something. I didn't know what to say actually.

Mabilis akong umiling nang makabawi sa gulat. Why would she ask me that so suddenly?

"I can smell a man's scent all over your house…" She added, still very skeptical while raising a brow.

Mas lalo akong nanigas sa kinatatayuan ko. Ngayon pinagsisisihan ko nang sinabi kong gugustuhin ko kung nasa bahay ko ang amoy ni Jimin, pinagsisisihan ko na ring hindi ko nilinis ang bahay.

Crap, everywhere could have the hint and scent of Jimin!

"M-Mang…" I uttered, almost inaudible even in my ears. Napa-ayos ako ng tayo nang may alibi na pumasok sa isip ko. I hoped she would take it. "I changed my air-freshener! Yes! My old air-freshener was making me sick! Yes, right!" Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko dahil masyadong lame ang palusot na iyon pero anong magagawa ako? I needed it! I even crossed my fingers behind me, mentally hoping she would take my lame reason.

"Ah, so you're telling me now that your favorite melon scent air-freshener was making you sick that was why you changed it…?" she rhetorically told me, not really convinced.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango habang damang-dama ko ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko sa kaba ngunit hindi ko pa rin ma-igalaw ang mga paa ko. I didn't really have any idea if what I was doing was right. I just had a bad feeling about this. I had never lied to my mother like this! At nakaka-guilty!

"Paano mo ipapaliwanag sa akin ngayon ang mga damit panlalaki na nasa laundry basket sa banyo mo?" Mamang countered in an obvious angry voice. Malamig siyang tumitig sa akin, disappointment mirrored her circles. Just like that, the tables instantly turned. I didn't see that one coming so I just stood in front of my mother, caught and very guilty. I forgot about the clothes Jimin left here since he changed to the sweater I gave him.

Naisip kong useless nang magdahilan pa ako at magsinungaling. My mother had been flipping her cards. I should have known that among all the people in the world, it was my mother who I couldn't fool.

"Mang, I'm sorry." I sadly told her as I lowered down my gaze. I felt so embarrassed and guilty for lying to her. I felt so bad…

"I'm so disappointed with you, Hanselle. Since when did you learn to lie? Dahil ba ito sa lalaking iyon?" ani Mamang na punong-puno ng disappointment ang tinig.

Muli akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya pero sa puntong ito, pinalitan na ng sakit ang guilt na nararamdaman ko kanina. Malungkot kong tinitigan si Mamang habang bumubuhos muli sa akin ang lahat ng mga panghuhusga ni Kuya Haynes kay Jimin noon. Then I thought, it was happening again but this time with my mother.

"No, Mang. I just don't what you to find out that I have a boyfriend," mahina kong sagot habang mabagal na umiiling. I couldn't afford to have an argument with my mother just like the argument I had with my brother. I didn't want my family to see Jimin as someone who didn't deserve me.

I didn't want my family to judge him.

She sighed heavily in resignation as she harshly brushed her hair up through her hand and frustration was very visible on her face. I didn't want to disappoint my mother but I was just protecting what I had with Jimin. Nanghihinang naupo siya sa couch at pakiramdam ko, sobrang laki ng kasalanan ko ngayon. I lied, it was only right that she got mad at me.

"Mang…" I uttered in shaking voice. Dahan-dahang lumapit ako sa kaniya. I sat beside her and gently held her arm. "Mang, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I lied to you. I was just afraid you'd judge him like Kuya Haynes did. I'm so sorry, Mang." I apologetically told her. Niyakap ko ang braso niya at maingat na sumandal sa balikat niya.

Marahang hinawakan niya ang mga braso kong nakayakap sa kaniya saka niya ako hinarap. Her hands softly held my shoulders as she stared directly at me eyes, I could already recognize the fear blending with softness through her circles. "This is more frightening to me than letting you live alone. Hanselle, you only had one boyfriend in your life and that was ages ago, how would I know if you know the turns and twists of relationship? What if he hurt—"

I immediately leaned backward, freeing myself from her grip, not wanting her to even finish what she was about to say. Dahil alam ko na…

"See! You're judging him already, Mang! Can you at least trust me with this?" Nanginig ang mga labi ko sa huling pangungusap na binanggit ko. When would my mother give me her trust? This was why I was having trust issues with myself because even my mother couldn't fully trust me.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin dahil sa panunubig ng mga mata ko. Nasasaktan ako para kay Jimin. He didn't deserve to be judged this way. Una si Kuya, ngayon ay si Mamang. Hihintayin ko pa ba na buong pamilya ko na ang humusga sa kaniya?

"Natatakot lang akong baka masaktan ka, 'nak," Mamang said, trying to reach for my hand.

Hinayaan kong hawakan niya ang kamay ko. This I would promise, I would not let this day pass without my mother giving her trust to Jimin, I would do it even without her meeting him. Alam kong mahihirapan ako at mas lalo akong mahihirapan oras na sabihin ko kay Mamang ang estado ng buhay ni Jimin pero hindi ko puwedeng hayaang husgahan ng pamilya ko si Jimin.

Umiling ako. I freed my other hand from Mamang and used it to wipe my almost teary eyes. "That's something we can't foretell, Mang, pero 'di ba po natural naman na ang masaktan kapag nagmamahal? I swear, Mang, I've been hurt many times while in this relationship but I learned that in order to feel it right, I need first to get hurt 'cause falling hurts, Mang." I told her. Ako naman ang humawak sa kamay niya. I squeezed her hand and looked straight into her eyes.

"Hanselle, you still don't know what you're saying—"

"Alam ko, Mamang. Sa dami na po ng mga pinagdaanan ko sa relasyong ito, sa tingin ko po, handa na ako para sa mas masasakit pang mangyayari…" I smiled to assure her and myself. Because my boyfriend wasn't just a normal guy. He was everybody's business, and just like the rocky and complicated road I had taken just to get him, I knew, I would have to take a more rocky, more complicated and more hassle path while I was with this relationship… with him. "But that isn't the reason why I'm enduring, it's because I'm loving. I can't just give up loving that man just because of those circumstances. I believe, you've had through tougher times with Papang so you'd understand me," sabi ko at sinalubong ko ang mga mata ni Mamang.

Someday, I would bring Jimin for them to meet him, I would give them a chance to properly evaluate my boyfriend's appearance. I would give them time to properly judge him after they got to know him even more. Just then, I would accept their judgement.

"Since when did you've grown this much? You've really become a mature woman," naiiyak na sabi ni Mamang. She lightly pulled me and took me in her arms. I hugged her back. I couldn't wait to show my mother how great of a man my boyfriend was, how precious and great Jimin was. She would love him for sure, just like how a lot of people loved him, just like how I loved him.

"Ever since you've granted all of my caprices. Being a spoiled brat doesn't always mean bad things, Mang. Living independently brought me here. It taught me how to handle life when it gets tougher," sagot ko.

"I can't believe my baby girl is saying something like this. This is why I don't like you living away from me, you've grown far from my baby girl!" Her tone broke.

Natawa ako at marahang hinaplos ang likod ni Mamang. She had been so against of my decision living away from them. Naiintindihan ko na. Not because she didn't trust me, it was because she didn't want me growing without her on my side. She was still a mother after all. My mother.

I tightly hugged her. "Holly will be jealous if she hears you." I told her.

She shook her head. "Ah right, about your sister." She lightly pulled away. Pinunasan niya ang mga mata niya. I chuckled. I had a very soft-hearted and light-teared mother. What should I do with her?

"I came here because I want to ask you a favor," aniya.

Tumango ako. "What is it, Mang?" tanong ko. My mother didn't often ask for a favor. She was more likely to do a favor for us.

Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung anong magandang bagay ang nagawa ko noong past life ko para magkaroon ako ng magulang na… how could I say this, I was not saying that they were perfect but that was exactly what I was saying. I must have saved my country in my past life.

"You see, your sister have been nagging at me. You know this boy group she's very attached with, right?" she started. BTS ba ang tinutukoy ni Mamang? If so, how could I not know them if I was attached to them too, like my sister? And we were just talking about my boyfriend who was in the same boy group too. At saka, iisang grupo lang naman ang kinababaliwan ng kapatid ko.

BTS.

"Yes," sagot ko habang tumatango.

She sighed. "Magkakaroon daw ng fan meeting ang grupong iyon," aniya.

I pursed my lips while while thinking how open my sister was to our mother when it came to her fan girling. It was true that BTS would be having a fan meeting but it would be held in Korea. At hindi na ako nagulat na alam ni Mamang iyon. Holly must have told her about it, knowing my sister, she wasn't so secretive about her fan girling.

"Yes. Sa Korea po iyon gaganapin, Mang," sagot ko.

"She wants to go." She spilled.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil hindi ako makapaniwalang papayag si Mamang. Like, my sister had never been to any other countries. "What? And you'll let her, Mang?" gulat kong tanong.

Muli siyang bumuntong-hininga. "Only if you go with her, I'll let her go there. She had been crying, telling me she wants to go. You father already agreed, you know him, he supports all of your whines." She rolled her eyes. "So I told your sister I will only let her if you'll go with her."

Now, that was very… very convenient.