Chapter Fifty-four

["I don't want you to watch."] He told me monotonously from the other line.

Napanganga ako sa sinabi niya. Napatayo ako ng diretso habang iniisip kung bakit ayaw niyang panoorin ko ang live show nila gayong gustong-gusto ko na ulit siyang makita.

"But I wanna see you," mahinang sabi ko sa kaniya habang nararamdaman ko ang unti-unting pagsikip ng dibdib ko. I even caught my breath as I noticed I wasn't breathing anymore.

Ilang oras pa lang kaming nagkakalayo pero miss ko na siya. Hindi pa nakatulong na kausap ko siya ngayon at damang-dama ko ang pagod at lungkot sa boses niya. I just wanted to caress his face to make him feel that everything was going to be fine, only if he was here with me.

["I want it too but Bubbles will be there,"] aniya sa pinakabanayad na tinig kasunod ang malalim na buntong-hininga. He sounded really tired. If I could only personally contact Bighit and tell them to give the boys a break, I would.

Napabuntong-hininga rin ako, pinakawalan ko ang pinipigilan kong hininga at nagpigil naman ngayon na huwag siyang singhalan dahil imbis na iniisip niya ang pagpapahinga ay ibang bagay pa ang iniisip niya. Akala ko ay ayaw niya akong manood ng performance nila pero kaya naman pala kasi kasama na naman nila ang Bubbles. Malamang ay for publicity na naman ito. Si Sally pa rin ang girlfriend niya sa mata ng lahat.

He meant no harm with that. Iniisip malamang niya na hindi ko magugustuhan kung makikita ko silang magkasama lalo na at iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ko siya iniwan noon.

["I don't want you to see me with her,"] matigas niyang dagdag. He was really coping up with his English speaking. Mabagal pero naiintindihan ko naman dahil kahit paano ay tama.

"Jimim, I'll be fine. It's not as if you and Sally are real." Paninigurado ko sa kaniya. I heard his heavy sigh from the other line so I covered my mouth with my free hand to suppress a loud sigh. I could feel how he hated me seeing him with Sally. He just didn't want me to get hurt.

["But you will get hurt,"] aniyang tumugma sa iniisip ko.

Muli akong sumandal sa dingding. "Of course. But I know that you don't love her. Just don't be sweet with her." Ngumuso ako kahit na hindi niya nakikita.

The last time I saw them together was when I was still in Seoul. It triggered me to come back here in the Philippines with my brother. Gusto ko mang i-deny dahil masyadong immature pero isa talaga iyon sa mga dahilan. His 'I love you' meant so much to me and I couldn't just accept him saying those words to someone else.

Not to Sally and not to any other girl.

["Are you sure you will be fine? I can keep a distance from her,"] he said, making me feel alright. Na para bang kaya niyang sumuway ng ilang utos from their management at isang beses na biguin ang mga ARMYs nila na umaasa rin sa non-existent relationship nila ni Sally para akin.

Hindi ko napigilan ang ngumiti ng malapad. My boyfriend was so thoughtful.

I'd love it, Jimin. You shouldn't suggest things like this. Dahil okay na okay sa akin iyon. I'd love it if you wouldn't ever look at her!

"Will you do it for me?"

["I will do everything for you,"] aniya na sa tantiya ko ay nawawala na naman ang mga mata sa pagngiti kahit na hindi ko siya nakikita.

Hinawakan ko ang dibdib ko at marahang hinaplos. I could feel pressure inside my heart, wielding beats I couldn't ever control. When would I ever get to control my heart again?

"Hanselle."

Napatalon ako sa gulat nang marinig ko ang malalim ngunit malamig na boses ni Kuya Haynes mula sa likod ko. Agad kong na-ibaba ang phone ko at mabilis na umikot paharap sa kaniya. Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko kanina ay mabilis na napalitan ng kaba.

"Kuya!" gulat kong sabi habang mahigpit na hinahawakan ang phone ko. He came from the deeper part of the hallway, patungo sa kitchen iyon. Sa kusina malamang siya nanggaling.

"What are you doing here alone? Nasa labas sina Jinky," he said in a cold tone while looking gravely at me. Sinulyapan niya saglit ang direksyon ng pool area bago muling itinoon sa akin ang mga mata niyang hindi naman sana matalim tumitig kung hindi lang sa pagsasalubong ng mga kilay niya.

I hardly clutched my phone inside my palm. Mas bumilis at lumakas pa ang tibok ng puso ko sa kaba. I wondered how long had he been there behind me. Narinig kaya niya ang mga pinagsasabi ko kay Jimin?

"Ah, K-Kuya. Kanina k-ka pa riyan?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

"I just came. Katatapos ko lang makipag-usap kay Chelsea," sagot niya bago maglakad at lampasan ako. "Sumunod ka na lang," aniya bago ako tuluyang iniwan na.

Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga. That was close! Natatakot akong mahuli ni kuya Haynes dahil hindi niya gusto si Jimin. Just God knew what he would do if he found out. He might turn out so influential if he wanted to, and very authoritative. Katulad na lang kung paanong nalaman niya ang tungkol sa amin ni Jimin at kung paanong wala akong nagawa nang magdesisyon siyang isama ako pabalik dito sa Pilipinas.

Imbis na lumabas para bumalik sa pool area ay nagtungo na lang ako sa kuwarto ko. Hindi naman nila mapapansing nawawala ako. I was just barely productive downstairs so I might as well watch BTS show in my room.

I could only do that to fill this hollow inside my heart for missing Jimin. Ayaw kong humantong ang pagka-miss ko sakaniya sa paglipad patungong Korea. I could really do it if not of my job.

Nakatanggap ako ng mensahe kay Jimin kung saang channel sila lalabas, sinabi rin niyang naintindihan niya kung bakit hindi na ako nakapagpaalam kanina dahil narinig niya si Kuya.

I sighed with that, not really comfortable with Jimin knowing my brother's disgust for their group. I turned on my television and switched it to K-Channel. Naupo ako sa couch kaharap ng TV, hugging one of the throw pillows, I silently watched the show. Since it was a live broadcast, there was no subtitle. I could cope up with it. Performance lang naman ng BTS ang gusto kong panoorin.

Sila lang… siya.

Tama nga si Jimin, Bubbles were there too. Sila ang naunang mag-perform bago ang BTS.

Ngumuso ako habang pinapanood si Sally na kinakanta at sinasayaw ang part niya. Lamang siya sa akin sa maraming bagay at hindi ko mapigilang mainis dahil doon. I didn't particularly hate people but for some unknown reason, I was starting to hate her. She could dance and I couldn't. She could sing and I couldn't. I was beautiful but I could say that she was more beautiful. She was popular, loved and admired by a lot of people.

I could really list down lots of good things about her and I could only think of all the things I was not just good at.

Kung bakit ako pinanganak na walang kayang gawin, hindi ko alam. Maybe God had really no plans on creating me, maybe I was just a product of his remaining species. Para naman hindi masayang ang mga iyon, he had decided to create me.

Inferiority… you're letting your insecurity come out. My inner Goddess stared at me sternly as she scolded me.

I rolled my eyes in irritation. No one could really blame me for being so insecure. I saw Sally as my rival in Jimin's heart. I knew it was useless because I knew that Sally had no place in his heart but I just couldn't help it! She was perfect! And she was now in the same place with Jimin, stepping on the same ground as him, breathing the same air as him and staring up the same sky as him!

Nasa mundo siya ni Jimin na pilit kong pinapasok.

"Crap. Why should you be so flawless?! Sana pumiyok ka!" inis kong sabi habang masamang tinitingnan si Sally sa screen na ngayon ay sobrang ganda dahil sa suot niyang black fitted long sleeves at black fitted short, maayos at tipong kay dulas ng ngayon ay itim na niyang buhok.

She wasn't even the camera's attention but my eyes were never leaving her.

Unfortunately, my inner devil wasn't friend with luck.  Kailan ba ako dinapuan ng suwerte? I didn't consider Jimin as my luck, he was more than that. He was my fate, fate of my unlucky life.

I could hear some audience shouting her name from the background, mixing with their music and voices. And what? Many people loved her?! I didn't care. My mother loved me. My father loved me. My sister and brother both loved me. BTS loved me. And most of all, Jimin loved me.

Umirap ako habang nagngangalit ang mga ngipin ko dahil sa inis. Napapahigpit ang hawak ko sa throw pillow na nasa lap ko. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko dahil kay Sally. I couldn't believe she was affecting me this way.

"Just get lost, please!" I screamed when I felt like they were performing since forever. Sigawan ng mga audiences ang tumapos sa performance nila. Padabog akong sumandal sa sofa at muling umirap. Mabuti naman. Naiinis kasi talaga ako kay Sally, I wouldn't even be surprised if one of these days I would be really hating her for real.

For real!

There were other groups who came after Bubbles. Of course, LUX and Hunters would be there since BTS was there. There would be an awarding later after the performances. Habang naririnig ko ang mga audience na isinisigaw ang pangalan ng mga idols ay hindi ko mapigilang isipin kung gaano ako kasuwerte. In terms of fan girling, I was so lucky that I met Jiro and Bien at least thrice in my life and more than lucky for having Jimin.

Dati iniisip ko lang kung anong nararamdaman ng mga audience dahil nakikita nila ng personal ang BTS. I was so jealous of them because they got to see the guys I was admiring and the man I was dreaming for.

Hindi ko na tuloy alam kung kakampi ko ba ang tadhana o hindi.

When finally, the emcees called the BTS to the stage, their recent song played. Iyang kantang iyan malamang ang nominated sa competition na nasalihan nila kaya ayan din ang i-pe-perform nila.

"What? Stop shouting Sally's name! She isn't on the stage anymore!" I infuriatingly shouted as I heard the audience screaming Sally's name upon the appearance of BTS. I gasped unbelievably when the camera purposely focused on the audiences.

At kailan pa nauso sa mga Koreans ang banner?
And a banner of edited photos of Sally and Jimin with their ship name, SalMin?! What the hell? Who invented that crap?!

Dahil sa nakita ko ay hindi na ako nakapag-focus sa panonood sa performance ng BTS. I felt suffocated all of a sudden, I felt my stomach getting cold. I just wanted to strangle those people to stop them from shipping the non-existent relationship of Sally and Jimin!

Now I understood why Jimin didn't want me to watch their live show.

"Wait, wait! Tapos na?! But I haven't yet drooled at my boyfriend!" I reacted furiously when the BTS disappeared from the stage and the two emcees went back.

Sobra-sobra ang pagkadismaya ko nang magkumpulan na sa stage ang lahat ng grupo dahil awarding na. I couldn't understand any of the emcees talking. Ni hindi ko alam kung para saan ang awarding ngayong gabi.

"I'm happy that you're smiling," mahinang bulong ko nang dumako sa BTS ang camera at nakita kong nagkakatuwaan silang lahat. Tulad ng dati ay nangingibabaw sila sa stage sa dagat ng mga idols dahil masyado silang mga extra.

We really could survive this long distance relationship. May pagkakataon na mararamdaman ko iyong pagka-miss sa kaniya pero alam kong natural lang iyon. Actually, that was the hardest part of being in a long distance relationship. That was the reason why it was hard.

God, I missed Jimin so much.

Hindi ko mapigilang ngumiti nang makita kong tumawa si Jimin dahil sa kung anumang sinabi ni Jin. How could forget that he was the easiest to laugh even with lame jokes? He was just so soft for this world.

Kahit nang mawala na sa kanila ang camera ay nakangiti pa rin ako.

"Hays, I'm lost," bulong ko. He made my day, really. Ilang oras pa lang kaming nagkakalayo sa lagay na ito.

Gaya ng inaasahan ko, BTS won. Of course, they were the best. Hindi ko man alam kung para saan iyong award nila, alam ko namang deserve nila iyon.

"What now?!" I irritatedly uttered when I saw one of the emcees dragging Sally towards the direction of the BTS.

Nasa stage pa rin ang BTS to give their encore. Sigawan ng mga taong nasa studio ang pumupuno sa paligid kasabay ng replay ng song ng BTS na kinakanta nila habang pinaglalaruan iyong trophy maging iyong mga sumabog na confetti. Natigilan ang BTS nang makitang hawak ng emcee si Sally, kahit si Namjoon na ni-ra-rap na ang part niya ay nahinto rin at bahagyang nilingon si Jimin na nasa tabi niya at siyang may hawak ng trophy.

Nagsalita ang emcee sa Korean language na nagpasigaw muli sa mga tao. Si Sally ay tipong nahihiyang nakayuko habang nangingiti sa mga tao. Bakit ba kasi ang ganda niya?!

Nakita kong bumulong si Jimin kay Namjoon bago siya nagkubli sa likod ng leader nila. I gritted my teeth. It was obvious that Jimin wasn't pleased with it! Ang ibang miyembro ng BTS ay tipong hindi rin alam ang gagawin. Alam ko, kasi kailangan nilang i-please ang mga tao. People were blinded with the non-existent relationship of Sally and Jimin. They needed to please their audience.

Pero audience din naman ako!

Walang nagawa si Jimin nang pagtabihin sila ng Sally. Jimin politely bowed at Sally that made her slightly gap her mouth. Umani iyon ng sigawan mula na naman sa mga tao.

Sumakit ang dibdib ko nang tumingin si Jimin sa camera. He knew that I was watching. Naiintindihan ko naman na hindi niya gusto ang nangyayari pero nagseselos pa rin ako. People should stop thinking that they were together. Pakiramdam ko, third party ako. Pakiramdam ako iyong nakikisawsaw rito.

Hindi pa man natatapos ang show ay tumayo na ako. Padabog kong ibinato ang throw pillow sa sofa at lumabas ng kuwarto. I needed a drink, I wondered if the party downstairs was still on heat. Panigurado magpupuyat ang mga iyon. Bago ako tuluyang makababa ay madadaanan ko muna ang silid ni Holly. Ang kuwarto naming magkakapatid ay pare-parehong nasa right wing ng ikalawang palapag. Kay Kuya Haynes ang nasa pinakadulo, gitna ang akin at kay Holly ang nasa malapit sa hagdan.

Ang mga guest rooms ay nasa left wing.

Nahinto ako sa paglalakad nang makarinig ako ng ingay, nagmumula iyon sa bukas na silid ni Holly. Imbis na dumiretso sa baba ay sinilip ko ang silid ng kapatid ko. Nasorpresa ako nang marinig ko ang isa sa mga pamilyar na kanta ng BTS, and then I found my sister on her leisure space.

Nakatalikod siya sa akin at nakaharap sa malaking flat screen TV niya. She was grinding and waving with the grooving music of BTS. And I didn't need to say this but… since when did my sister have become a very good dancer? Sinasayaw niya ngayon ang pinakamahirap na choreography ng BTS. She was too engulfed that she hadn't noticed me yet.

Kumatok ako para kunin ang atensyon niya. I succeeded because she stopped and turned to my direction. Pawisan siya at hinihingal. She was wearing a pair of black tank-top and black short so I could see beads of sweat all over her.

"You're still awake?" she asked upon seeing the time on her wall clock. "It's past nine already." She told me, very aware how I was having a hard time sleeping when the time passed nine before.

Bumuntong-hininga ako saka sumandal sa hamba ng pinto ng kuwarto niya dahil naalala kong hindi na ako ganoon, simula nang tumira ako sa bahay ng BTS.

"I overcame my insomnia. Madalas na akong matulog ng late ngayon," sagot ko saka muling tumayo ng diretso. Naglakad ako papasok at lumapit sa kaniya. "Is that your new form of exercise?" I asked her.

Umiling siya. She went to the couch and picked up her face towel. Pinunasan niya ang pawis niya. "No. I'm practicing because I'll cover this dance," aniya.

"Para saan naman? I didn't know you dance well," sabi ko habang umiiling. Na-upo ako sa couch at tiningala siya.

"Hindi dahil hindi ka marunong sumayaw, oh, kumanta, I might add, pati ako ay hindi na rin. Trust me, I inherit our parents' talents," aniya saka ngumisi siya sa akin. Dinampot naman niya ang remote control at pinley-back ang kanta.

"That's so sweet ah. Para saan nga?" untag ko habang umiirap.

Too good for her because she had talents. I could compare all the things she could do to all the things I couldn't do. It would parallel.

"You know, I have lots of subscribers on YouTube. I've been covering BTS dances. They requested this song so I'll do it," kibit-balikat niya.

"Really? Can I see your covers?" I asked, stunned. I had known her as a hard and loyal ARMY but I never thought she also did cover dances of BTS' dances.

Seriously, I had been missing a lot on my sister's life.

"Subscribe me first!" She stuck her tongue out at me that made me chuckle, para kasi siyang bata.

Naalala kong balak ko nga pa lang gumawa ng accounts. Agad akong tumayo. "Ah right! I remember, I have something to do!" I told her. Palabas na ako ng kuwarto niya nang marinig ko siyang muli.

"Hey! Subscribe me on YouTube! I'll text you my channel!" sigaw niya.

Pagbalik ko ng kuwarto ay dumiretso ako sa desktop ko at gaya ng plano ko, gumawa ako ng private accounts sa ilang mga legit and necessary apps. I signed in on Skype, on Twitter and on Instagram. Maging sa YouTube ay gumawa rin ako para sa kapatid ko. Nag-sign in din ako isang live application na ginagamit ng BTS.

Eksaktong alas-diyes nang matapos ako. I stretched my arms to relieve my little cramps. Ngayon, mag-pa-follow ako ng ilang biggest fan pages ng BTS. I needed them to give me updates.

I knew, Jimin would be very busy to give me constant updates.

Nasa ganoon akong sitwasyon nang makarinig ako ng katok sa pinto. Who could it be? Tapos na kayang mag-party sa baba ang mga pinsan ko? It was still too early to end it, mag-aalas diyes pa lang. Inaasahan kong aabutin sila ng umaga.

Nang buksan ko ang pinto ay bumungad sa akin ang dalawa kong pinsang babae. They were both wearing a matching animal onesie pajamas.

"Hi Hanselle!" bati sa akin ni Michu na siyang naka-tiger pajama. Matangkad siya. Her hair was colored in red and a little curly.

Alinlangan ako ngumiti. "Hi. Bakit gising pa kayo?" tanong ko.

"We're planning to watch a movie together! Naisip naming isama ka!" sagot ni Zoey, Panda pajama naman ang suot. Kagaya ni Michu ay matangkad din siya pero mas matangkad pa rin si Michu dahil freelance model ito.

Oh no, not now. Naghihintay ako ng tawag mula kay Jimin at hindi kami makakapag-usap kapag nandito sila. Pero paano ko naman sila itataboy ng maayos?

"You know, we can have girls bonding!" masayang dagdag pa ni Michu.

I bit my lower lip hesitantly. Now, what should I do? I didn't really feel like being with them. I didn't really feel like watching a movie with them. I didn't even feel like inviting them in. That was what I really felt. But how would I be honest with them without cracking it in a bad way? Hindi naman talaga kami close, and it would make me feel awkward to be with them.

Hinawakan ko ang pinto para panatilihin ito sa pagkakabukas ng maliit lang. "Actually, I… I need to sleep now. I'm just finishing some work since I have to go early tomorrow for my job," sabi ko.

Na-amaze din ako sa sarili ko. That wasn't a lie. Well, half of it dahil hindi naman trabaho ang ginagawa ko pero totoong maaga akong aalis bukas para sa trabaho.

Sumimangot si Zoey. Sumama ang timpla ng mukha niya habang ngumunguso lang si Michu. "Tss. Magkapatid nga kayo! Ang aarte!" Zoey hissed before walking out in front of me.

Tahimik na sumunod sa kaniya si Michu at nagtatakang sinundan ko na lang sila ng tingin habang patungo sila sa left wing. I tried to sound so considerate but I thought, it wasn't considerate enough for them.

Isinara ko na ang pinto. Pabalik na ako desktop ko nang marinig kong tumunog ang phone ko. I forgot where I put it. Nahanap ko ito sa couch ng sala set ko.

010…

I hadn't yet saved Jimin's number in my phone and I was liking it as it is. Sinagot ko ang tawag.

"Jimin! I thought, you wouldn't call!" bungad ko. Tapos na ang show kaya baka naman nagpapahinga na sila. I wished, I really wished they were now resting.

["Ah! You are making jealous!"] The man on the other line said. Hindi boses ni Jimin ngunit pamilyar ang boses.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang hindi boses ni Jimin ang narinig ko. No way.

"Jiro…?" I asked, recognizing the voice from the other line.

["You remember me! That's sweet!"] Jiro beamed from the other line as if it was normal for us to talk this way.

I rolled my eyes. Ano na naman ba ang kailangan sa akin ng lalaking ito?! Maybe, his life was so boring that he was looking for fun by bothering me.

"Why are you calling me? Again?!" I firmly asked in an irritated voice.

Napapadalas ang ang pagtawag sa akin ng lalaking ito. Iniisip pa rin ba niyang puwede kaming maging magkaibigan? Crap, never!

["I just missed you,"] aniya sa marahang boses.

Kinilabutan ako dahil doon. "Jiro!" inis kong sabi.

Crap, I wasn't in the mood to be joking around with him! Isa pa, hindi naman kami close! We just met thrice with all those unnecessary instances!

["BTS came back. It's because of you, right?"] he casually asked, and I hate how he was talking to me casually.

"I think, that's none of your business. And will you please stop calling me. We're not close," sabi ko. Nilingon ko nang bahagya ang desktop ko. It was already on sleepmode.

["Are we not friends yet?"] His voice toned down a bit. Friends? Nagbibiro ba siya? Sa kaniya pa talaga nanggaling ah? I knew people like him. Masyadong mataas ang standard ng mga kagaya niya pagdating sa mga taong pakikisamahan niya. And no, we were not friends. Not because we met thrice, meant we were already friends.

"No, we are not," mariin kong sabi at binabaan na siya ng tawag. I was about to go back to my desktop to wrap it up. Gusto ko nang matulog dahil mukhang wala ng balak tumawag si Jimin. Hindi pa man ako nakakalapit sa desktop ko ay tumunog na naman ang phone ko.

010…

I frustratedly sighed as I answered the call. "I SAID STOP CALLING ME!" sigaw ko sa kabilang linya.

Wala talagang balak ang Jiro na iyon na patahimikin ako. I didn't even know what was it that he wanted from me! That jerk!

["Misseu…"]

Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ako at naramdaman ko ang panunuyo ng lalamunan ko nang marinig ko ang boses ng nasa kabilang linya.

Really no way.