Chapter Fifty

"Hey!" untag ko kay Namjoon nang maabutan ko siya sa kusina ng bahay ko habang nakatayo siya sa likod ng countertop.

Agad niyang itinago ang phone niyang kinakalikot niya kanina na para bang mayroon siyang itinatago roon. He still didn't change. I remembered an instance before when he did the same. He was so particularly secretive when it came to his phone. He wouldn't just let anyone hold it or even see it. Madalas ko siyang mahuli noon na itinatago ang phone niya.

"Oh, hey! Do you need anything?" he asked that made me laugh softly. Nakakatawa lang na nasa bahay ko siya pero ako ang tinatanong niya niyan.

"You're in my house so I should be the one asking that," sabi ko sa kaniya nang tuluyan na akong makalapit sa countertop.

Muli na naman nila akong binulabog dito sa bahay ko. Anila ay sa kanila kami nag-dinner kahapon kaya rito naman daw sa bahay ko ngayon. Seriously, who came up with that composition? Hindi ba nila alam na may mga CCTV cameras dito sa buong building? One scoop about them and they would be doomed. Okay lang sa akin kahit na ubusin nila ang laman ng refrigerator ko, but then they brought their own foods, ang kinakatakot ko ay masyado silang reckless at careless.

Para silang hindi mga idol kung kumilos. Para silang walang inaalagaang image at career. Really, I would give my thumbs up for BTS. They were so weird.

"I got thirsty so…" He shrugged his shoulder.

"I think I shared the same reason," saad ko habang ginagaya ang pagkikibit-balikat niya na nakapag-pangiti sa kaniya.

Lumitaw tuloy ang malalim niyang dimple sa kaliwang pisngi niya. That was one of the things I was so crazy about Namjoon when I was just seeing them on the screen of my phone before. He was so cute with that deep dimple.

Lumapit ako sa cupboard para kumuha ng isang baso bago bumalik sa counter na kinatatayuan niya. Kinuha ko ang pitcher ng tubig at nagsalin sa baso ko. May isang baso sa harap niya kaya mukhang inuhaw nga siya ngunit may dahilan kung bakit hindi pa rin siya bumabalik sa living room. Pagkatapos kong uminom ay tinitigan ko siya gamit ang nanliliit kong mga mata. Nahuli ko pa siyang dahan-dahang itinatago sa likod niya ang kamay niyang hawak ang phone niya.

That was suspicious and he looked too uncomfortable. We didn't want the leader of BTS get uncomfortable, did we?

I grinned at him as I shook my head. "Don't worry, I won't ask," nakangiti kong sabi para pagaanin kahit paano ang loob niya. Aabutin ko sana ang balikat niya para bigyan siya ng marahang tapik ngunit agad siyang umatras na para bang takot na takot siyang madikitan ko.

I laughed softly. "Relax…" Binawi ko ang kamay ko at ipinatong na lang sa countertop "Just go back when you're done here, they'll look for you if you took too long." Isang banayad na ngiti ang iginawad ko sa kaniya bago pumihit na paharap sa doorway ng kusina. I was about to leave when I heard him low-key call my name.

"Hanselle-ssi."

Huminto ako at nilingon ko siya. He confusedly  stared at me as if there was something bothering him. In the end, he sighed and put his phone out of his back. I could see from his eyes both confusion and struggle.

RM of Bulletproof, confused and struggled? The smartest and coolest man I had ever known? Headline!

"Can I have an ear?" he asked hesitantly, bahagyang siyang yumuko na tipong nahihiya. Hindi ako makapaniwalang makikita ko siya sa ganitong estado.

Kim Namjoon was a naturally very composed and laid-back guy. He sometimes showed his quirky and funny side when he was around his members but I had never seen him this troubled and… was that loneliness I was seeing through his eyes? I was not good at this kind of things. I didn't really mind other people's feelings, but Namjoon wasn't just other people. He was a friend to me. At nakaka-bother na makita siyang ganito gayong hindi naman siya natural na ganito.

Like I said, I didn't know how to comfort anyone but it didn't mean I couldn't listen. My ears were good listeners.

Nakangiti akong tumango sa kaniya nang mapagtanto kong gusto niyang mag-open up sa akin saka ako bumalik sa harap niya. I silently sat on the stool in front of him, at the other side of the counter. Sinenyasan ko siyang maupo na rin.

Tahimik siyang sumunod. Ipinatong niya ang dalawang kamay niya sa mesa habang hawak pa rin ng mahigpit ang phone niya at mukha pa ring troubled. Trabaho kaya ang problema niya? Was this about their missed schedules? Hinahanap na ba sila sa Bighit Entertainment?

So Jiro was right…

"You can have both," sagot ko sa tonong handa akong makinig sa sasabihin niya. I knew how hard it was to open up, spill what was bothering me and speak my thoughts. Kaya handa akong makinig sa kaniya.

A confused mind only wants a listening ear. I understood him.

Knowing Namjoon, he might be free and transparent but I didn't expect him to be like this, confused and struggled. Parati kasing kampante lang siya at tipong alam ang lahat ng bagay at pangyayari. That was Kim Namjoon for all of you. He was a know-it-all, almost perfect yet cool mysterious guy. And yes, he was human and also encountered problems and troubles too.

"How would you feel if Jimin would leave you for his career… not that he'll really do. I'm just asking," simula niya habang nakayuko at bahagyang sumusulyap sa akin.

I mentally laughed. Seemed like this wasn't about career, seemed like this was about something more complicated and troublesome. Tumango ako na tipong naiintindihan ko ang ibig niyang sabihin. Though I thought I had got myself ready for this kind of question, it was still inevitable not to get hurt.

Noon pa lang, alam na alam ko na ang sagot sa mga ganitong tanong. This wasn't something like a scientific or mathematical problem that I still needed to find the solution to know the answer because without the solution, the answer was very obvious and already existing.

It would seriously hurt me.

"Actually…" I trailed off not really taking in the most obvious answer but I continued. "It'll surely ruin me, ah no, it'll kill me. If Jimin would leave me, for whatever reason it may be, I won't probably take it. But of course, his happiness always comes first before anything else," seryoso kong sagot sa kaniya habang nararamdaman na naman ang pamilyar na kirot sa dibdib ko.

Just thinking of Jimin leaving me broke my heart all over again but then, I was long ago aware of this because I was well-oriented that Jimin wasn't just for me. He belonged to the stage. He belonged to the people who loved their music. He belonged to the world.

Nagmamahal ako ng lalaking pag-aari ng buong mundo.

I saw Namjoon's fists tense and his jaw tighten. Masyado mang mabilis ngunit hindi nakalagpas sa mga mapanuring mata ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa mga mata niyang agad din niyang naitaboy.

He then stared at me, eyes falling sadly. This… this was the vulnerable, sad and very lonely side of Kim Namjoon and he was openly showing this side of him to me. It just made me see how brave and strong he was, it was something I wouldn't do willingly.

Just who would thought that behind those powerful lyrics made by RM, lay Namjoon with a face of loneliness and confusion? No one. His fans knew what kind of things he always fought for through his music, he never failed to show people that, though he wasn't strong enough to write lyrics that would honestly reveal this vulnerable part of his heart.

"I see. She had probably felt the same. I've ruined her, I've killed her emotionally and I don't have the right to be in her life again," malungkot niyang sabi. He really looked miserable. Ibang-iba sa Namjoon na madalas kong nakikita. Sa Namjoon na palaging nakangiti at tipong hindi nasasaktan. Sa RM na kilalang ng lahat…

I hadn't even imagined him keeping this pain.

One thing was for sure, there was a girl in his life that he still couldn't let go.

Nanatili akong tahimik at hinintay siyang ipagpatuloy ang sinasabi niya. I suddenly felt sorry for him. Sinong mag-aakala na ang cool at astig na leader ng BTS ay may pinagdadaanan pa lang ganito? His fans would be really sad if they saw him now.

Just, the girl was both lucky and unlucky for having Namjoon before.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he played with his phone on the table before continuing. "I had a girlfriend before, one year after we debuted, that was three years ago. We were so fine, we were so happy and we were so in love. But those times weren't just our prime. I had to leave her for my career. Ah no, no, I had to leave her for her sake. I knew back then that she wouldn't take a messy life since her life was a mess as it was already. Being an idol requires an open life…" saglit siyang huminto at yumukong muli.

I saw his shoulder harden. Tinapik ko siya dahil nakikita kong nahihirapan siya. I could lend him listening ears and comforting taps though I didn't know if it could help. I could really see how miserable he was having to get through all this alone.

Nang muli siyang mag-angat ng tingin ay nasulyapan ko ang pamamasa ng mga mata niya. His dimple showed because he was gritting his teeth but despite that, the overflowing regrets filled his pooling eyes.

Was that regrets… and guilt?

"I didn't want her to get in trouble just because she had a boyfriend like me. I didn't want her life get messy just because of me. So I left her… I l-left her and pursued my d-dreams." His voice broke just like how he broke down, unguarded and very vulnerable in front of me. Tuluyan nang naglandas sa mga pisngi niya ang masasaganang luhang kanina lang ay pumupuno sa mga mata niya.

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang panoorin siyang humikbi dahil wala naman akong magagawa para sa nararamdaman niya. I understood him but I couldn't stop myself from feeling hurt in behalf of the girl he left.

When I said she was lucky then I was taking it back because I couldn't imagine the pain it would cause me if ever Jimin would leave me just like how Namjoon left the girl he loved. I was stuck. This was what I would get from being a perfect paradoxical person. I was torn yet again.

What if Jimin would do the same thing that Namjoon did? Would I take it? Sure, I had envisioned it already but I was not sure if I would ever be ready for it.

So I just continued watching him break down even more, cry his regrets and lost. I just watched him vulnerably shed his precious tears for his one that got away, my heart hurting both for him and his girl.

"I… I still l-love her. I want her b-back. I want her to be with me in all this s-success. I still love her so much…" He just cried there miserably and I let him because that was the only thing I could do for him. Inangat niya ang dalawang kamay niya para punasan ang mga pisngi niyang basa ng luha ngunit wala pa ring humpay ang mga ito.

"Of course you do…" saad ko sa mahinang tinig, not really intending to make him hear it but I also wanted him to.

You wouldn't cry if you don't love her anymore. You wouldn't be this pained if you don't. You wouldn't be this miserable if you don't. You still love her and you're full of regrets.

I suddenly wondered… had she ever been fine all these years? She could see Namjoon on TV. She could see him on the news. On Internet. Or had she been miserable too, just like Namjoon?

I felt sad for the both of them.

"So m-much," bulong niya na mukhang hindi nga narinig ang sinabi ko. He was like a fragile little guy now who couldn't do anything because he was just too incapable and regretful. He was crying because only that he could do, too vulnerable and invalid.

That was what love can do to people. Maybe I should rephrase… that was how love gets even. Love strikes painfully when you used it the wrong way, loving the wrong person or hurting the right one. Either way, it hurts.

Na-iiling na tinapik kong muli ang balikat niya para patahanin siya. I couldn't think of a proper comforting words to say to him because aside from I was really bad at this, my feels were seriously for the girl, I was siding with his unknown girl. I could only tap his shoulder and sympathize with him.

Hindi ko hahayaang mangyari sa amin ni Jimin ang nangyari kay Namjoon at sa babaeng mahal niya.

If we would ever need to part ways, if we would ever need to leave each other, I would make sure to make it less painful, so none of us would have to lead a miserable life like Namjoon had, so none of us would have to deal a pain that could kill a sanity.

Nang medyo kumalma si Namjoon sa pag-iyak ay nahihiyang humingi siya ng paumanhin sa akin.

I just shrugged my shoulder and said, "It's alright. You can cry all night and I'll understand. Though, I don't think, a night will be enough," sabi ko sa kaniya.

He then smiled despite of his eyes still red and puffy. "Do you wanna see the girl of my life?" he asked at me with a bit of a grin now. "Well, you come after her though," dagdag pa niya na binuntutan niya pa ng mahinang tawa.

Pabiro ko siyang sinapak dahil nakuha pa talaga niya akong asarin gayong kanina lang ay umiiyak siya sa harap ko. Pasalamat siya dahil hindi ko siya kinuhanan ng video dahil paniguradong aasarin siya ng mga kaibigan niya!

"Yah, it's true! You're still the baby girl of the group!" aniya na mukhang nakabawi na ngang talaga sa pag-iyak niya kanina. He cutely sniffed as he smiled widely, showing me his deep dimple.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Stop it! Just show me her picture now," natatawang sabi ko.

"Okay, okay." He told me as he minded his phone. May pinagpipindot siya roon at ilang segundo lang ay inabot niya sa akin ang phone niya. "Scroll to the right," aniya.

Tumango ako at ngumiti bago ko ibinaling sa phone niya ang tingin ko. I was glad that he was opening this thing to me. I actually didn't know if other BTS members still had time for love. Mukhang si Jimin lang ata ang may oras pa para roon… though I hoped Taehyung would give his relationship with Aly a more thinking and time, if they ever had a relationship. Ayaw ko kasi talagang pareho silang mapasubo sa isang relasyon.

Sure, they could survive if they really loved each other but what if, like me, they would scare out? It would hurt them. Aly was such a soft-spoken and though she was a bubbly girl, she was also just a light-hearted lady. Baka hindi niya kayanin ang masaktan.

Una kong nakita ang picture ni Namjoon habang naka-akbay sa isang pamilyar na babae sa full brightness na screen ng phone niya. I couldn't just tell who was it exactly. I scrolled the screen to the right to see the next photo. A photo of a long-haired girl covering her face from the camera appeared. Mukhang kuha ang larawan sa loob ng isang convenient store dahil bukod sa background ay nakasuot ang babae ng convenient store uniform.

Muli kong nilipat para sa kasunod na picture habang unti-unti nang dinadalaw ng kaba ang dibdib ko. My jaw automatically dropped just as my heart also fell at the sight of the next photo. Now, she wasn't just familiar anymore. I really knew her! Kung hindi ko nakilala ang babae sa unang mga larawan dahil malamang sa tagal na ng kuha ng mga ito at takip ang mukha nito, I could say that this photo was a recent one.

The photo was candid, obviously taken without the knowledge of the muse.

Long curly hair, white fair complexion and those intimidating eyes… si Evah ang babaeng tinutukoy ni Namjoon?!

I couldn't believe as I stared at Evah through the screen of my laptop, my mind wandering back to what Namjoon had just opened up to me earlier.

Noong mga panahong kasama ko pa sila, she had never showed me that she had gone through such pain. She maybe got through it alone and I admired her for that. Ni hindi ko inakalang minsan sa buhay niya ay nagmahal siya ng idol at nasaktan. I had known her as a strong woman, kumpara kay Aly at Em, she was more conservative and reserved, so stiff and aloof but very independent. Siya iyong tipo ng babaeng rasyonal kung mag-isip.

A type of girl men couldn't easily touch.

Metaphorically, she was like Belle, she was smart and practical. She could let go of her personal happiness for the happiness of the people she loved. She was just as brave and as beautiful. It would seriously take more of me to build a single Evah. Kasi… kasi hindi ko nakikita ang sarili kong magiging okay kagaya niya oras na iwan ako ni Jimin.

Maybe I could survive but I would never be fine.

["Hey, you're being creepy!"] saway sa akin ni Em na napapagitnaan nina Evah at Aly sa hula kong inuupuan nilang couch dahil kanina pa ako nakatitig lang kay Evah simula nang mag-video call kami. Siya malamang ang may hawak ng tablet. ["Nakakatampo ah! Si Evah lang yata gusto mo makita e!"]

Natawa ako sa inasal niya at saka ako umayos ng pagkakadapa sa couch ng living room ng bahay ko. I happily waved at them all. Hindi totoong si Evah lang ang gusto kong makita. Na-miss ko silang lahat, though, I really did call for Evah.

["Good to see you again, Hanselle,"] ani Evah na nakangiti ng malapad sa akin saka kumaway rin. Ganoon din ang ginawa nina Aly at Em na ngayon ay parehong nakangiti na rin.

Tatlong taon na sabi ni Namjoon ang lumipas simula noong iwan niya si Evah, long enough to forget and move on. At nakikita kong mukhang nagawa na iyon ni Evah, pero gusto kong malaman kung iyon ba ang dahilan kung bakit parang hirap na siyang magtiwala sa iba?

That was a thing about Evah, she just didn't trust anyone so easily. You would need to earn it. Kahit ako ay hirap na makuha ang tiwala niya noon.

["I think, you have something to tell us, hm?"] pang-asar na sabi ni Aly habang nagtataas-baba ang mga kilay.

Napansin ko mula sa background nila na nasa sala sila. I missed living with them. I missed having quality time with them, watching TV and having nonsense but funny talks with them. Somehow, I missed their nonstop talk about K-Pop idols too.

Ngumiti ako sa kanila nang mapagtanto ko ang ibig sabihin ni Aly. Though now that I thought of it, Evah didn't seem mad or whatsoever towards BTS. She didn't even seem affected when anyone in the BTS got mentioned.

"Okay na kami ni Jimin…" Simula ko na agad umani ng reaksiyon sa kanila. Em started hitting Evah while Aly was moving like a worm and Evah just smiled widely, not minding Em who was still hitting her. She really wasn't showing any remorse for BTS, no hint of anger.

"What can I do? I love him!" I exclaimed due to their unexplainable and funny reactions. Sinubukan kong isantabi ang tungkol kina Namjoon at Evah at ipinokus ang sarili ko sa pinag-uusapan naming apat.

That could wait, I guessed. Isa pa, makaka-usap ko ba si Evah gayong nandito ang dalawang ito?

["Good for you. I can see how sincere he is. I know, he won't ever hurt you,"] Evah said in assurance, still smiling so widely. I thought, God had reasons for this big coincidence between Evah and I. BTS had become our same turning point.

Sinong mag-aakala na kaibigan ko pala ang babaeng minahal noon ng leader ng BTS, minamahal pa rin hanggang ngayon, I might add? I just didn't know if both other BTSA members, and Aly and Em knew about Namjoon and Evah's past relationship.

Tatlong taon nang magkakasama sina Evah, Aly at Em, at tatlong taon na rin ang lumipas nang maghiwalay sina Namjoon at Evah. Four years exactly after the debut of BTS. Posibleng walang alam ang iba.

If only fate had later explanation for all this, then I was willing to wait. Just… just why?

I stared at Evah again, trying to dive into her pitch black eyes just to see what I had been looking for but I failed, I couldn't see anything but her transparency. Masaya siya para sa akin, iyon ang nakikita ko.

"We're not perfect, Evah. We love each other and the tendency of us getting hurt is very big. That's love. That's the imperfection of love," sagot ko saka mariing isinara ang mga labi dahil ayaw kong may masabi akong hindi dapat ngayon. Napansin ko ang pagpapalitan nina Aly at Em ng tingin habang si Evah ay nanatiling nakatitig sa akin.  Something tugged at my heart when her eyes uncovered nakedly in front of my eyes, sadness reflecting.

That fast!

She hardly pursed her lips like what I did and turned her eyes somewhere from my sight. Why didn't I see the sadness that long ago lived in her eyes? Masyado kasi siyang magaling magtago ng nararamdaman. Now I had the answer to my question if she had ever felt sad after all those years. She wasn't showing me now full of her emotions. She just cracked a little because of what I said… it triggered her.

Maybe, what happened remained a sad and painful memory for her.

Yes, people might move on but not forget. A wound that became a scar, still once a wound. A sad memory would always be a sad memory. A bad photography would forever stay that way.

["Love gets imperfect when two wrong people met. One is capable of hurting the other because of so many reasons,"] she nonchalantly said as if she was just spitting some trivial words though I knew better.

Aly and Em could show confusion but I was aware now. Ayaw kong balikan ni Evah ang mga masasakit na nangyari sa kanila ni Namjoon noon pero gusto kong maintindihan niyang may rason, palaging may rason.

Could be bad and good, still, there was reason. And I thought, that was what was missing from their relationship, from their past.

"Evah, reasons have behind stories. One should lend understanding." Hindi ko ina-alis ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil gusto kong malaman kung talaga bang naka-move on na siya. I knew, I was picking a very sensitive spot right now but wouldn't that help her?

["Wounded heart tends to be deaf, Hanselle,"] ani Evah na hindi rin ina-alis ang tingin sa akin.

I gaped my mouth open for an unsaid question. Gusto kong batuhin siya ng isa pang tanong, 'are you still wounded?' but then I stopped myself when I saw confusion both bathing Em and Aly. Sa mga hitsura nila, mukhang hindi sila makasabay sa pinag-uusapan namin ni Evah at takang-taka sila sa tinatakbo ng usapan.

["Wait! Wait! What's with you two?!"] sabat ni Aly sa intense na palitan namin ng salita ni Evah.

["Uh, puwede bang isali niyo kami?"] Em hesitantly asked.

Umayos ng upo si Evah. She shook her head and then smiled as if nothing happened. ["I just got carried away…"] She laughed, awkwardly. Binigyan niya ng tipid na ngiti ang dalawa bago ako sinulyapan na sinuklian ko ng mapanuring tingin.

"Girls, can I talk to Evah? Alone? Please?" tanong ko. Pinaglipat-lipat ko ang tingin ko kay Aly at Em. I both gave them a pleading look.

Sa huli ay bumuntong-hininga si Evah. ["Please,"] tumatango-tangong sabi niya sa dalawa.

Ngumuso si Em habang nagkikibit-balikat lang si Aly bago nila kami iniwan. Nang mapag-isa kami ni Evah ay agad siyang tumitig ng seryoso sa akin. Once again, filling me up with her usual stern look.

She never acted out of the box everytime Aly would mention BTS, or any of BTS member. Kaya nagulat talaga ako nang malaman kong siya iyong babaeng iniyakan ni Namjoon kanina. It was not that if I asked her about this she would willingly tell this to me. Sometimes, people won't usually speak up about their unhappy and miserable moments in life.

I couldn't help but shift in my position with the way she deeply stared at me. Pakiramdam ko, hindi niya magugustuhan ang pangingi-alam ko sa parteng iyon ng buhay niya. I felt like she wanted it untouched and here I was, trying to unfold it.

"Evah, Joon told me about what happened before between the two of you…" Simula ko sa maingat na tono dahil ayaw ko namang magalit siya sa akin.

Her facial expression didn't change and I didn't think that was good. It was as if she was actually waiting for me to tell this to her. Was she?  Of course, nahulaan na malamang niya mula sa pagpapalitan namin ng salita kanina na may alam na ako.

"Why… why didn't you tell me about it?" I asked, confused and still very careful with my tone.

["'Cause I don't wanna go back to that part of my life anymore, Hanselle."] She told me, blankly. Hindi ko tuloy mabasa sa anyo niya kung gusto niya bang pag-usapan namin ito o hindi. I hoped she was not mad.

"Uhm, okay… okay k-ka na ba?" tanong ko kahit na sa hitsura niya ngayon, mukhang hindi pa. Hindi nga ba't may lungkot ang mga mata niya kanina? On the contrary, she might have moved on already but couldn't just forget it. Who would?!

["Matagal na akong naka-move on, kung iyon ang ina-alala mo."] Wala pa ring pagbabago ang anyo niya.

Hindi ako sanay na ganito siya. She was maybe so stiff and reserved but she wasn't this scary. It was like she was already shutting everyone off. She was already closing doors. She was restricting me from touching that part of her life. She wanted me to stay away from that part of her life. She just couldn't scream that at my face though.

"Pero Evah, don't you think, both of you still have an unfinished business to fold…?" alinlangan kong tanong.

Kumunot ang noo niya na nakapag-pakaba sa akin kahit na dapat ay nasisiyahan ako dahil kahit papaano ay may nagbago sa mukha niya. Her eyes then turned even much fiercer and her lips pursed firmly. I had to lean backward because I didn't expect that.

She obviously didn't look pleased!

["Unfinished? Matagal na kaming tapos, Hanselle. Iniwan niya ako. Para sa kaniya, ako iyong babaeng napakadaling iwan. I was just out of his priority. Hindi ko iyon tinanggap dahil gusto ko. He had left me no c-choice…"] She trailed off. Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin ngunit narinig ko ang pagkabasag ng boses niya.

That struck my heart. She was still hurt and I should stop from here. I didn't want to pick at that part of her life anymore. She needed peace from it. Of course, I only heard Namjoon's side of the story and now that I heard her untold side, I couldn't help but feel her pain and agony.

I was hurting in behalf of her because somehow, we had the same story line. It was just that, I wouldn't let it happen to me, to Jimin and I. I didn't want us to end like how Evah and Namjoon ended.

"Evah—"

["Hanselle, I've moved on but I can't still forget what happened. It hurt me. It ruined me and forgetting isn't that easy. Spare me this one please,"] malungkot niyang sabi sa mahina ngunit nagmamaka-awang tinig.

No wonder she was the lead in the house, because she was so smart and so mature. I would open-mindedly understand if she would be mad over this topic but instead, she managed to stay calm. And I could see as to why Namjoon had fallen for her.

Sunod-sunod akong tumango sa kaniya. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry for bringing this up. Nagulat din kasi ako nang malaman ko mula kay Namjoon ang lahat. One last thing, Evah." I told her.

She stared at me waiting for what I would say next.

I sighed just before continuing, "When did you last see each other? Nagkita ba kayo noong mga panahong kinailangan akong puntahan ng BTS diyan?" I asked. I remembered Aly told me that BTS went to their house and were looking for me. If that was the case, puwedeng nagkita sina Evah at Namjoon.

Kung nagkita na sila… then, how did it go? Or, nagkita na sila bago pa mangyari ang pagbisita ng BTS sa bahay? I remembered the last photo Namjoon had shown me, it looked recent.

Umiling siya habang nagpapakawala ng buntong-hininga. "You know I always come home late from work. Na-ikukuwento sa akin ni Aly na nagagawi nga rito noon ang BTS pero hindi kami nagkakakitaan. They were already gone when I arrived," she stiffly answered me still not wanting to talk about BTS.

"I'm sorry about that. Seems like you're still not ready to see him and there was a big possibility you'd see him then. I'm really sorry, if it wasn't because of me, they wouldn't have gone there." I sincerely apologized for what happened and for what might possibly happen. Hindi ko na gusto pang isipin kung paanong iha-handle ni Evah ang pangyayaring ganoon.

"Hindi ko naman iniisip iyon. If it wasn't because of you then Ay wouldn't get to know Taehyung deeper. Sabihin na lang nating, para kay Aly, kaya ko iyong palagpasin," aniya, finally taking her stiff aura away and giving me her sweet smile.

So she knew, she also knew about Aly and Taehyung. Isa pa rin ang dalawang iyon. I just hoped, I really hoped, they would give it time.

The call continued. She had to switch the topic. I had to spare her for that. If what happened saddened her then I must spare her. Naniniwala rin akong naka-move on na siya at siguro, masyadong masakit para sa kaniya ang mga nangyari na hindi niya ito magawang kalimutan.

Just like I said, moving doesn't necessarily mean forgetting. And just like she said, forgetting isn't easy.

"Nakakapagtaka. Hindi ka na kinukulit in James?" untag ni Chelsea habang pabalik kami sa office galing sa isang dine-in restaurant dahil sa labas namin piniling mag-lunch.

"Napansin ko rin, Chels. Busy ang team ngayon, so baka naman gusto niya munang mag-focus," sagot ko kahit na nagtataka rin ako dahil simula pa kahapon tahimik lang si James gayong parati siyang nakabuntot sa akin noon. Ni hindi niya ako niyayang mag-lunch ngayon.

"Grabe ha! Gaano ba siya ka-busy? Ang sabihin mo, natauhan na siya at napagtanto niyang dapat na niyang itigil ang pag-iilusyon niya sa'yo!" Irap niya sa akin na halatang hindi talaga gusto si James.

Natatawang nilingon ko siya. "Do you still believe that crap?" I asked. Sino ba kasing nagbigay sa babaeng ito ng ideyang ganoon? Ridiculous. James was just nice. Bakit ba niya binibigyan ng ibang malisyosong kahulugan iyon?

Kawawa naman iyong tao.

"Dahil totoo naman! Natural siyang tahimik at introvert pero iba siya makitungo pagdating sa'yo, 'no! Tss." Annoyance wasn't really leaving her tone showing her disgusts to James.

Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ayaw na ayaw niya kay James. I couldn't see a reason as to why she hated him. James was such a kind and nice person. Mahiyain ito pero masaya naman itong kasama.

"Maybe because he saw me as the easiest person to approach. Pareho kasi kaming introvert ni James," sabi ko para ipagtanggol iyong tao.

We went into the lift when it opened and luckily, there wasn't anyone inside. Ang ingay-ingay pa naman ni Chelsea makipag-usap.

"You really think it's like that?! Hanselle, a man is having an eye for you and you're freaking being clueless. Don't tell me you do this to all the guys showing interest to you?" Pinanlalakihan niya ako ng mga mata na para bang hindi siya makapaniwala.

And again, where did she get that?! Wala namang mga lalaki ang nagpapakita sa akin ng interest kahit noon pa!  Though I had often got love letters and gifts before, guys just didn't show up in front of me to claim that they were the one, parating iniiwan lang sa locker ko o kaya naman sa desk ko. So no, there weren't guys showing interest to me.

Ngumuso ako at sinulyapan ang lift bar. Nang lumitaw mula roon ang numero ng floor namin ay naghanda na ako palabas.

"Chelsea, walang gusto sa akin si James. And even if he does… you know, I already belong to someone else," sagot ko kasabay nang pagbubukas ng elevator. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang tuluyan nang bumukas ang elevator at nasulyapan ko ang pares ng mga matang nagtatago sa mga bilog na salamin na iyon.

James was standing outside, looking at me sadly.

"James…" I uttered. But then, his face became furious before he sprinted out of my sight. "James. Wait, James!" Lumabas ako ng lift. Tatakbo na sana ako para sundan siya pero may humawak sa braso ko. Nilingon ko si Chelsea.

Kunot ang noo niya. "Are you gonna follow him because his actions tell you that I'm right?" she asked with her raised brow.

Napahinto ako. Nakangangang napatitig ako kay Chelsea. Actually, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko siya susundan. I just felt like I needed to make sure that he was fine… then what was next?

I would feel bad if I made him sad.

"Don't turn a blind eye on his feelings, Hanselle. You'll either hurt him or give him false hopes. At alam mo naman siguro kung alin sa dalawa ang mangyayari," seryosong sabi ni Chelsea sa akin habang hawak pa rin ng mahigpit ang pulupulsuhan ko.

"Pero Chelsea…" I stomped my feet in protest, torn between two hard decisions again. Iniisip ko pa rin ang imahe ni James kanina.

"I'll let you follow him if you'll acknowledge the fact that he's into you but what will you do next? Paano kung umamin siya? Hanselle, can you take him down?" Chelsea said bluntly, her tone sounded challenging. Na para bang siguradong-sigurado siya sa sinasabi niya.

I looked down. I… I had never taken anyone down before. Wala pang nag-ko-confess sa akin na nagawa kong i-take down. Sure, there were lots of men giving gifts to me but I had never really acknowledged them. Ni hindi ko alam na gusto nila ako! Ni hindi ko sila kilala!

So I would really feel bad if James would confess to me and I wouldn't have any choice but to turn him down. Now, what should I do?

"You know—"

"Of course, you have to! You need to 'cause you're taken! See? Masasaktan mo siya." Hinawakan ni Chelsea ang kamay ko at hinila ako patungo sa office.

Masasaktan ko si James. And that was far from what I wanted to happen. Ayaw kong makasakit. Above all, it was James we were talking about here. He had been so kind and nice to me.

Why didn't I notice it? But… but what if I was just assuming? Paano kung mali naman pala talaga si Chelsea? I didn't want to lose a friend. Hindi si James, not the kind and innocent James.

Dinala ako ni Chelsea sa pantry. She pulled a chair for me and pushed me to sit. Kinuhanan niya ako ng tubig na maiinom. Nagpasalamat ako bago iyon ininom.

"Bakit ba kasi ang manhid mo? I can really conduct a survey and ask people here in our department regarding this. I'll surely get one hundred percent yes," ani Chelsea sabay hila ng upuan sa harap ko at naupo.

Bumuntong-hininga ako. "Hindi ko talaga alam. Basta ang alam ko, mabait lang talaga siya," sagot ko. And you can't really assume just because someone is being nice to you. Iyon kasi minsan ang nagiging ugat ng maling hinala kaya nasasaktan.

"Hindi mo man lang ba pinaghinalaan iyong bigla niyang paglapit sa'yo?" untag niya, nasa tono talaga niya ang sarkasmo na para bang hindi lang ako manhid, napakatanga rin para hindi malaman iyon.

"E 'di sana noon pa lang nilayuan ko na siya."

That stung, knowing I could really lose a friend.