Arrogant boy

Love yourself so no one has to

-All Time Low, Therapy

June 26, 2016 11:13 a.m.

The late bell for fifth period had rung, but I hadn't moved away from my locker. I wanted to close it. I wanted to walk down the hallway. I wanted to go to class, joke around with Germain and then go home to mom and Jared.

But I couldn't.

So I had stood there looking at the bare picture taped on the inside of my locker. All three of us were laughing, none of us looking at the camera. Jared was grinning pointing out at someone in the crowd. I had been smiling down at my mom as she admired the cake we had got her. It had been my moms birthday and we had surprised her with a party.

It was one of my favorite pictures because it captured exactly how I felt around them: Carefree, Happy, Loved.

But at that point, all that picture brought was heartache and I knew I wasn't going back to class.

Forcing the tears back, I closed my locker shut and had walked in the opposite direction.

I was on my way to the river. It was always crowded in the summer, but at that moment, I knew it was going to be quiet.

It had become my solace. A place I had called my own. Where I could get high, drunk, write and cry out at the sky. 

Turning the corner, I faltered in my tracks as I had spotted Izzy. I made it my mission to avoid her after she told me she was done with me. But she hadn't seen me, and so I had decided to stay.

There was something about the way she stood next to her locker, her shoulders slouched, head down, hair up that caught my attention.

I had watched as she wiped her eyes, before concentrating on her reflection in the mirror, trying to apply her makeup with shaky hands. It hadn't taken me long to realize she had been crying.

She had been going through her own problems, I knew that much. Her family was falling apart and I had left her, focusing my attention on the one I didn't have anymore.

I should have gone up to her. Maybe say something. Tell her it was going to be okay.

But things weren't okay.

And I wasn't a part of her world anymore.

So I watched for a second longer, letting my heart ache for a while longer before I moved along.

Before I had went to my river and got lost in the quiet and sorrow.

"And that's the last time I saw Izzy," I ended clasping my hands together.

"Did she move?" Lexi inquired. She sat in front of me in her usual seat, but she wasn't holding on to her clip board. All her attention was on me.

I shook my head, "she didn't move. She just became someone different." She became Isabelle Summers. The girl hidden in the shadows, trying to find the answers at the end of a joint.

"She started hanging out with the stoners," I continued, "Wasn't herself. A lot of it had to do with her mom leaving but I knew I didn't make things better for her."

"And you feel guilty about that," Lexi stated the obvious.

I nodded, "she deserved a lot better than who I was."

"And you're having dreams about her?"

I shook my head, "it's more like nightmares. It's like-" I paused unable to explain them. They were different then before. It wasn't just her. It was mom, Jared. Before I used to wake up terrified, afraid to go back to sleep.

Now, I wake up with guilt and pain washing over me. I can't remember the details that well, but I lay in bed after with an aching hole in my chest vaguely similar to the one Izzy seems to have in all her appearances. "It's everything. Reminders of all that happened."

They started after the accident but I tried to suppress them. It worked for a while. Studio time, McKenna and my Physical therapist took up all my time so when I got back to my bed I was exhausted and immediately knocked out.

But I'm getting less busy again. McKenna hadn't been around and the fracture doesn't exhaust me out as much. It should be a good thing but it's left me vulnerable in a way I didn't like.

Lexi nodded, understandingly. "Did you love her?"

I blinked, looking down at the swirls etched into the carpet. That was a question I asked myself a dozen times. She was my best friend before she was ever my girlfriend. We had shared everything with each other.

"I thought I did," I answered. She was the only girl I've ever confessed those words to and at the moment I really believed it too.

But then I got to know McKenna and she completely changed my perspective on what feelings were.

It was surreal how easily she could change my mood. Knowing she's hurting kills, especially when I'm the cause. I'd drive myself crazy trying to find ways to make sure she's always happy.

Everything good starts with her and when it doesn't, she's the first person I want to talk to about it.

And I know I've never felt that way before.

"I think that version of me was in love," I continued, "And maybe if we were stuck in those versions of ourselves, we would have stayed together."

But I had a lot of growing to do; the accident heightened that. And she was no longer the girl I met in grade school.

"And this version of you?"

"I'm still trying to figure him out," I admitted.

"I think making amends with Isabelle might help you with that."

"She's probably gotten past it all. I can't just show up in her life for my own sake," I argued.

"Reece you're making assumptions. And maybe you're right, but you can't be sure unless you try. And as far as I can tell you're going to be stuck unless you face this," she encouraged.

"I don't know," I shook my head looking out the window. I haven't seen her in over two years. Two years she has been living life without me. I didn't have to say it, but I think Lexi knew I was scared to find out what kind of life it was.

"I think you do."

"What makes you so sure," I asked looking back at her. 

"Well, you visited Germain. And you wouldn't have done that unless you were trying." 

"That was different."

"It's only different if you make it so."

I remained silent look out at the skyline.

"It wouldn't hurt to try and contact her. See if she would be willing to talk."

I sighed running a hand through my hair, "You sure are persistent."

Lexi chuckled, "That's what I get paid for."

I nodded, slightly amused at her attempt to lighten the mood. My eyes trailed down to the ground, lost in thought.

I didn't even know what to say to Isabelle if I could find her. If she still talks to Vye she would have heard about what happened. She might have seen the video regardless.

And the video was another problem. I still got a parade of questions alluding to it. And Scottie told me McKenna has been taking a lot of heat as well.

It couldn't be easy for her. Especially not knowing what is going on. I left her in the dark, not realizing how much it actually bothered her until after her concert.

"Can I ask you a question," I looked up at Lexi a thought striking me.

"You can," she complied.

"How much time is enough time?"

She furrowed her eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

"Well I-" I stuttered, "McKenna told me she needed time to think things over. And I was just wondering how, what..."

"How much time is enough time," Lexi finished with a small smile.

I nodded, a bit embarrassed, but still hoping she'd answer.

"You know my job doesn't really make me qualified to answer that question," she remarked.

"But c'mon," I urged, "You're...female. How long would you need?"

"Everyone is different."

"That's not an answer."

"Well, that's the best you're getting from me." Lexi advised.

"You're no help," I grumbled crossing my arms.

"Let me ask you a question," she said, her supporting tone now etched with seriousness.

I nodded waiting for her to ask.

"If you give McKenna time and she doesn't feel the same-If it really is just one sided, what happens then?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, completely taken off guard. "What kind of question is that?" I exclaimed.

Lexi shrugged her soft eyes studying mine, "Just hypothetical."

I clamped my mouth shut. I hated when she did that.

There has to be something between us, I knew it. But if it is really just me hanging on to false hope-

"Then I guess I'll have to let her go."

"And then what?"

I swallowed, my heart thumping in my chest at the mere thought of it. "And then find a way to move on, I guess," I answered not sure I could walk away from this without a broken heart.

Lexi nodded not saying a word. I wish I was able to read her just as easily as she could read me.

"What was the purpose of that question?" I asked trying not to let the rising doubts overwhelm me.

"You've grown a lot since you decided to come back here," Lexi said with a somewhat proud smile. "I just don't want you to forget about how far you've come."

"I was actually an unwilling participant in this," I corrected with a slight smile. I understood what she was getting at, though.

She wanted to make sure I didn't fall apart regardless of what happens.

I also understand why she would worry.

People get drunk. They smoke, turn off their emotions. They do anything to distract them from what's hurting.

And boy did I allow myself to lost sight of reality.

But if this really does end up in pain. Then I would like to think that I'll be able to find a way to be okay.

A/N: sorry about the absent update last week! I was buried in midterms forgive me /.\ anywhoooo hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Loved to hear what you have to say about the snippet from Reece's past. What about Lexi's thoughts about his progress?

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