I don't quite know

How to say how I feel

-Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars

April 18, 2016: 2:17 p.m.

Lexi told me I should keep writing. That it was a good way to express my emotions.

For the past few days, my emotions had been a little too dark, even for me.

So for the past hour or so, I've been messing around with different beats as I tried to convert my thoughts into lyrics. It was a difficult and solitary process.

As I put my headphones back down, I couldn't ignore the increasing silence in my apartment. It had grown louder over the weeks and I was suffocating. Yet, I couldn't find myself being anywhere else.

I crumbled up a piece of paper lying by my laptop and threw it in the direction of the trash. Taking the pencil from the top of my ear, I scribbled on a new piece of paper.

This past year was starting to feel a lot like I was afloat in the middle of the ocean and I no longer knew how to swim.

It wasn't my mom. Or Jared.

No. I missed them like hell and it still hurt. I was able to accept it though. It wasn't in the best way, but I did. That wasn't what kept me up.

The dagger was the six months that came after.

I was about to put my headphones back in when the speaker beeped. "Good evening, Mr. Zynner. Ms Ellis is here to see you."

"Tell her to go away," I said clearing my throat. It was raspy from the lack of communication I've had in the past week. I hadn't left my apartment for any reason other than visiting Lexi.

And then there was the day before where I came unhinged and went to a bar.

I leaned on the wall by the speaker, waiting for Frank to respond. What was she doing here, anyways. Last I remembered, she was pissed at me. Scottie must have used some mind control to persuade her.

That guy needed to chill.

"She's not leaving," Frank's voice rang through the living room.

I sighed, "Then she can enjoy your company down there."

"Understood, Mr. Zynner." Frank was a cool guy, but no matter how many times I've told him, he refuses to call me by anything other than my last name.

I went back to my studio space, picking up my guitar. There was something off with the piece I was working on, but I had no clue what.

If I was down at Hurricane right now, I bet my producer would know exactly what was wrong and how to fix it. But that would require me to get up, walk and talk. Three things I did not see in the near future.

My fingers stopped short on the strings at the ding of the elevator. My eyes widened as McKenna strolled out of the elevator with a pizza box in her hand.

"McKenna?"

She looked around my place quietly. "Are you housing a vampire or something?" she questioned walking over to the wall and flipping the switch.

I squinted as the kitchen and living room lit up.

What the fuck.

"What are you doing here?" I waited for an answer again.

"Frank let me in," she shrugged finally looking at me. Her expression was unreadable, but it wasn't hard to imagine what she was thinking. I was a fucking mess.

"Remind me to fire Frank," I muttered planting the guitar on the floor, using it to support my chin.

"Don't do that," she chided, "It wasn't his fault."

I remained quiet. Why was she talking to me like nothing changed? Like she didn't say she'd rather have not met me or that I was screwed up in the worst way and needed to fix my shit.

Not her exact words, but I had gotten the message.

Despite all that, I couldn't help but be comforted by the fact that she didn't quit and leave when Frank asked her to.

McKenna raised her eyebrow, a gentle smile playing on her lips, "I brought pizza."

4:18 p.m.

We were sitting on the floor next to the couch, the pizza box in between us. McKenna had insisted, not wanting to get anything dirty.

I played with the pineapple on my second slice.

McKenna was already on her third. The girl could eat.

"So what was Scottie's excuse for sending you here?" I asked breaking the silence.

"He didn't send me." I looked over at her, questioningly. She shrugged rather shyly, "I wanted to see if you were okay."

I looked at her surprised that she came here voluntarily.

"What makes you think I'm not okay?" I asked getting over my initial shock.

"Apart from you looking like a homeless man?" she asked, the amusement clear in her voice.

That was going a little overboard. "I don't look that bad."

"Are you kidding me," she laughed, "You look like a caveman."

I widened my eyes in surprise as she gently ran her un-greased hand through my hair to further prove her point. Her gaze followed, but her eyes were doing that thing where it seemed like she was thinking of a million things at once. When she saw me looking at her, she retracted her arm her cheeks supporting a new tint of red.

"Cooper told me about your family," she said her gaze shifted to the ground.

I tensed. Well, that wasn't where I was expecting this conversation to go.

"I'm so sorry, Reece," she said looking back at me, her eyes pleading. She continued her words rushed, "What I said in the elevator. God, I'm such an idiot. I was horrible and wasn't thinking. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me. Hell, I even hate me."

I stayed quiet. I think that was the first apology I've ever heard her give. And it was to me.

"Man, you sure are a sucky girlfriend," I told her, twitching a smile so she knew I wasn't mad.

"The worst," she agreed her guilt evident, "I never really followed your career before. I honestly didn't know." She looked at me with these insane puppy dog eyes that I had half a mind to forget what we were talking about and apologize to her.

I cleared my throat, turning back to my pizza. I continued to probe at it. "Even if you did follow there's not a big chance you would have heard about it. Cooper helped cover a lot of my past up. When people look me up they see my dad. Only a few people around here have come up to find out about my mom and brother."

When I first signed on to the label, I told the CEO and Cooper that I didn't want to be asked about my past. I wasn't ready, so they fixed it for me. They made it seem like I grew up with my dad which turned a lot of reporters in the wrong direction. There were some who caught on and challenged it with questions.

Questions that lead to a lot of violent outbursts on my part. But eventually, Cooper had taken care of those as well.

I knew it was a part of Cooper's job to create the best environment for me, but it still meant a lot that he did all that even though I never really expressed my gratitude.

"Besides," I continued, "You were right so you don't have anything to apologize for."

She looked at me as if I was crazy. Frankly, I didn't know why I was dismissing it so easily either.

All I knew was that a part of me wanted to stop fighting with her.

"Any way you look at it, I was being a bitch. And yes, you were an asshole but you didn't deserve all that. So I guess we're both at fault," McKenna finally said.

I smiled at her perception of the situation, "I can live with that."

"Good. So we're good," McKenna said less like a question and more like a statement.

It was crazy how easily McKenna was able to get past all that. I knew dozens of people that would drag out what I said until they had me begging for them to accept my apology.

Jared and my mom were a lot like her. No matter the argument, we'd get over it after a few hours and go on like nothing happened.

"Before they got on the road to go to Jared's soccer tournament," I started not quite sure why I was telling her this, "we got in this-fight. Mom and I were fine. We argued but we never could really stay mad at each other. But Jared. Jared tried to reason with me-"

I chuckled dryly.

"I mean his reasoning came with a lot of sarcastic responses and insults-but I was used to it. I didn't know what got into me that time though, but I snapped. I brought up things I shouldn't have and said some things I really shouldn't have. Last thing I ever heard him say was leave and I was the asshole brother who, rather than apologizing, called him a coward before walking out ." I stopped feeling the lump at the back of my throat threatening to rise again.

He told me mom was right for making me stay so I brought up the one thing that I knew would hurt him.

I felt myself jolt at the new intense warmth encumbering my hand. I looked down to see McKenna lightly squeeze my hand for a second before letting go. "I'm sure he knew you didn't mean what you said. You guys would have made up."

But that was just it.

We would have, I know it. But I also knew we wouldn't have been in that situation if it wasn't for me.

Fuck, I was so selfish.

But what I said to Jared-I knew we would have gotten over it. It was the fact that we never got a chance to.

When I was sure I wasn't gonna lose all control of my emotions in front of McKenna, I continued wanting her to know. "Jared was always a spur of the moment type of guy. He ran blindly into things not stopping to realize the consequences. He did what he wanted and definitely said what he wanted. But he could also be calm and over-protective. It was kind of annoying," I let out a small laugh that only left me feeling hollow inside.

McKenna chuckled, "I wish I could have met him."

"He would have liked you. They both would have," I told her knowing it was true.

"You said I was right about you trying to run away from something."

I felt McKenna's eyes on me, but didn't know what to say. I nodded, not wanting to go there.

"Maybe it's time to stop avoiding it."

"Maybe," I agreed but couldn't help but think that even if I did decide to swim back to the surface, there was a chance that the ice may have frozen over.

A/N: Don't forget to comment/vote :) Next few chapters will pick up! Ah I'm excited xD