And when I first met you, there was a garden
Growing from a black hole in my mind
-Halsey, Garden

March 22, 2016: 1:23 p.m.

"No, nothing is going on. I'm just here for-"

"You're here for sleeping pills," the doctor lady, Sayler, finished.

"Yea," I said. I tapped my knee as I sat on the patient table waiting for her to stop writing on her clipboard. Her tone made it sound like I was a druggy.

Sayler's office was nothing special with it's white walls and tan cupboards. Even the paintings on the wall were bland, depicting some abstract ripoff crap. The only thing noteworthy was the view out of the twelve story window.

"I've just been stressed with writing and interviews, is all," I said again trying to help my case.

"And how many hours of sleep are you getting?"

"Three, four if I'm lucky," I told her the truth. I thought I would get over it, but it didn't seem like that time was coming anytime soon. I felt like a walking zombie and probably didn't look far from one.

"You must be used to that while you were on tour," she commented. Her dark eyes raked over my body as if she was assessing the authenticity of my words.

"Yeah," I said trying to keep still under her scrutinizing gaze, "But I'm not anymore. It's different and-hard to function."

"I can imagine," she said sympathetically, sitting down in her seat, "But this isn't a dispensary."

"I know, but I've done the whole therapy thing before.  I just don't have time anymore." That was a lie. I had time, but there was no way I was going back to that place.

It wasn't like I was scarred for life. It just wasn't for me, so there was no point in going through it again.

The look she gave me told me I wasn't getting anywhere with her. She probably thought I was a nut case especially with the way I looked. My hair had grown out even longer and was wildly untamed to say the least. There were clear signs of bags under my eyes and I hadn't shaved in days.

Come to think of it, I probably should have cleaned up before I came here.

"I've said the same thing when I was studying to become a doctor," she said, "but you can make time for it."

I didn't know I came in to see a motivationalist.

"Look, I'm not troubled. I'm just tired so please." The words were starting to sound harsh even to my ears. I was running out of patience, realizing this was a lost cause.

"I'm sorry, I can't help you," she continued pursing her lips, "but you already seem to have a number you can call," she said referring to my old therapist.

I clenched my jaw, holding my temper. "Fine," I said getting up.

"Sir, it's for your own good," she tried to assure me. There was a hint of compassion in her tone, but I really didn't care. No one went to the doctors for empathy.

"No, sleeping would be good for me," I said turning around, "But it looks like you can't help me with that so I guess we're done here."

When she didn't make a motion to speak, I turned away and left the room. Outside, I took a deep breath rubbing my eyes.

"Fuck," I exclaimed in frustration kicking the wall.

I looked around at some of the workers that slowed down to look at me. Great, now I really did fit the image of a druggy. Rubbing the back of my head, I made my way out looking for a new solution. 

5:45 p.m.

"I wanted you to stay

Even when I saw the pain in your eyes

And couldn't fathom what your heart looked like

Baby, it's no surprise you turned out this way."

The music broke off and I stopped, waiting for my producer Rick. Looking through the glass window, I could tell he was into it. But that didn't mean he wouldn't have criticism.

"That was good, Reece. I need you to hold the last note for a while longer, though," He commented over the speaker.

I gave him a thumbs up. It was a falsetto and I had sung the same verse a few times now. A few hours ago, I had an idea for a track and came down to Hurricane deciding to get into a booth rather than work at home. This was the groundwork for my first actual single since I've gotten back from my tour and I couldn't help but be ecstatic.

Nothing was set in stone, but it was something and I really needed something.

I listened to the beat, waiting for my cue. The melody was soft and hypnotic pulling me in as the words flowed through me. With every word spoken, I felt my body loosen. It was like I was plagued and each lyric was another dose of a long-awaited cure.

This time, I wasn't stopped. I continued to sing, the lyrics embedded in my brain. It wasn't until the end when Rick spoke again.

"I loved it! That was great honestly," he said with a broadened smile.

"Really?" I asked unable to stop the grin from appearing on my face.

"You did good," he reassured me.

I hung up the headphones, confident. The one thing about Rick was that he was honest. He didn't sugar coat things so a compliment from him was something I couldn't help but be happy about.

As much as I would liked to have stayed, I knew Rick had his own thing to do as well.

I checked my phone as I walked out of the studio. "See ya, Rick," I called out with a wave while opening up a text from Scottie.

It was an address with the brief message:

You and McKenna need to be seen together again. It's been a while.

I shook my head looking at it. His whole message screamed stalker and that's exactly what I felt like. I didn't bother replying. He'd realize I read it sooner or later.

Putting in the address, I searched for an Uber. Hanging out with McKenna hasn't been too bad lately. Actually it's been good enough to the point where I didn't need to argue with Scottie or Cooper. At some point, she had become bearable.

Ever since the incident at the dance studio we've been content with each other. We've gone to two events together and were-professional about it.

I never actually apologized for what I said and felt guilty, but not enough to own up to it. I was living up to my title of a world class ass. She had be used to it by now.

6:26 p.m.

I stood outside the indoor soccer stadium, trying to keep myself from fleeing. Why hadn't I looked up the address before I came?

How could I have been so stupid?

My heart was beginning to race and I stepped out of line, trying to calm myself down. I could hear my breathing getting louder which only made me freak out more.

I couldn't stop myself from thinking back to it.

I had been so pissed that my last video had less than two hundred thousand views. I was back to being a nobody.

"You sure you don't want to come?"

I looked over at Jared who was fishing through the fridge for some food.

"No," I grumbled. If only I took up that Cooper guy on his offer. I would be in New York right now. I would be freakin' famous. Not some nobody hiding out in his room while everyone else was having the time of their life.

"C'mon, it'll get your mind off it," Jared encouraged looking me over with his green eyes. He had his hand on his soccer bag as if he was waiting for mom to come so he could sprint off to his tournament.

"No, I told Germain and Isabelle I'll hang out with them," I told him, "You know the people that actually support my career."

I knew that was an asshole thing to say, but I couldn't help it.

He gave me a dull look as if he couldn't believe I would even say that, "You know it's not like that."

"You're out doing what you love while I'm stuck here. It's exactly like that," I replied sourly. I've had this conversation with mom before but never dared saying anything like that. It would hurt her knowing how much I was suffering, which I couldn't do.

"Moms doing what she thinks is best for you and frankly I agree, dude," Jared bit into his apple, "You'll get another shot."

"Is that how you justified Amber's abortion?" I asked knowing I should stop, but couldn't, "It was for the best right? Now you get another shot at playing soccer." Jared froze my words hitting him like bullets.

I swallowed as the silence took over and the guilt draped his face. I knew I had crossed a line. She did it without asking him and we both knew it was still eating at him.

He clenched his teeth, his gaze turning cold, "Leave now."

Dammit, I'm so stupid. Where the hell was the undo button?

"Jared I-"

"Reece I swear to God," Jared barked. "Leave before shit gets worse."

Backing away from the small line of people, I leaned on the side of the building, my eyes closed.

This was stupid. I was overreacting. I knew I was, but it didn't stop the ice from shooting through my veins.

I couldn't stop the images from flashing through my brain.

Fuck. Not again, not again.

I closed my eyes tighter focusing on breathing. The knots tying up my stomach made me want to puke.

I was okay. I was okay. The more I told myself that, the less convinced I was. As my breathing got heavier, I clawed the wall harder trying to feed myself and lies to get through this.

A/N:  Okay, very different chapter, but it's quite important in my opinion. The italics in the middle/end are a flashback just to clear it up.  Soo ....
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