"WHY DO YOU CARE? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed at my friend, Maya. She kept pestering me and I couldn't control it. A second later I realized what I did. I looked at Maya, her face fell as I screamed at her. Why did I have to scream? She was just asking me. She was caring for me. Why did I scream at her? I closed my eyes as tears left my eyes. I quickly wiped away my tears. I just hurt my friend, my best friend. What did I do? Why did I behave like that? I closed my eyes again, regretting the moment. Can I take back my words now? Never. I hurt her. I just hurt her.
Unknown to the fact that it is one of the symptoms of PTSD - getting angry, anxious, and irritated at the persons or situations around her quickly. Not knowing that this is why she screamed at her brother.

I decided to apologize, it's my fault to get angry at my best friend for no fault of hers. And I just hope she forgives me. Why am I becoming like this? I've no answer. As I turned towards Maya to say sorry, before I can open my mouth, my classmates who heard me screamed at Maya hovered over me.

"What happened, Adina? Why did you scream at Maya?" Rohit, one of my classmates who heard the commotion looked at me as he threw a question at my face. Thankfully very few heard me shouting at Maya. Manav and most of the students are outside, probably in the restroom as it is a break. What should I answer him, when I don't know what's happening with me? What? Everyone will hate me now. Rohit will tell everyone about my bad behavior. What will I answer to everyone? Why did I get angry? I'll become a mannerless girl in front of everyone. Why? Why it's happening to me? What did I do? I sat in silence without opening my mouth as I have no answer. Adina has the answer to every question. And now, the same Adina has no answer to any of the questions. Adina is not Adina anymore. Not anymore. Why? I don't know.

"I'm sorry, Maya. I'm sorry!" I apologized to Maya turning towards her. I hope she forgives me. However, I can't forget or forgive myself ever for hurting my friend. I can never forget her slumped face. I can never forget the reason behind her slumped face.

"That's okay," she told me. I've released a sigh. Yet, I couldn't forgive myself. It's my fault. I don't know what's happening to me. What is it? And how will I control myself not to hurt others? Is it going to happen again? Will I hurt my closed ones again? Can I? I don't know. I just want to get out of this situation. But how? I just hope there is a way. Alas!

"Thanks for forgiving me, Maya. And what should I do to make your mood better?" I know she is upset with my behavior even though she forgave me. I'm not someone who walks away as soon as I get forgiveness. I'm the one who upset her. I should be the one to make her feel better.

"Okay then, you have to share your lunch with me," she told me. I smiled at her better say forced a smile, agreeing with her. I couldn't smile. All I want to do is run, sit in a corner and cry my heart out. My heart feels heavy. Very heavy. As if it is carrying a huge weight. All I want to do is take a deep breath and just burst out my tears. But how can I? I can't cry. I promised not to cry. I promised I will control myself. Then why can't I control them? As these thoughts started roaming around my head, my lips started quivering. I couldn't control it. I couldn't. The guilt and regret are killing me. The regret of hurting my mother, brother, and now my friend. This is getting too much to bear, the regret. I want to cry. I couldn't control them anymore. I just couldn't. However, I can't cry in front of anyone. Not in front of my friends. I have to go out. I need a moment for myself, to burst out and then control myself. I need a moment.

"I'll go for a break," I told them and got up from my seat to go outside. Before I could start walking, I heard a voice, a mocking one.

"Hoye, oye! The Class topper hasn't completed her homework. Such shocking news. What happened to the always -topper-student? Memory loss or what?" I heard Mohit's voice. He's the student who ridicules the weak students. He just needs a single reason to tease anyone, to mock anyone. And looks like I'm the prey today. Soon, I heard the students present in the classroom, laughing at me. Some even started clapping their mouths to offend me. I don't even like him and his friends when they mock some of my classmates. And today, I'm the one who is getting mocked. Why can't they stop doing that? Mocking me? I don't know. I have no guts to answer them back. I've lost that strength. Don't even know how did it happen. But somehow it did. My eyes turned teary. My heart feels heavier with each passing second. The hurt is getting too much. The pain is too much. My throat got choked up. Their laughs, their mocking increased more. What should I do? I walked away without turning back. I can't hear them laugh at me anymore. I can't. So, I just walked away, to the restroom. Where I can get a moment for myself. The moment I needed.

As soon as I reached the restroom, I couldn't control my tears anymore and rushed inside, locked myself. Tears rolled down my eyes as one after another scene kept coming in front of me.

"CAN'T YOU SIMPLY UNDERSTAND I DON'T WANT IT?"

I began sobbing as I remembered the hurt face of my brother.

"Lea. Leave m..my ha..nd, unc...le.", I mumbled as tears rolled down my eyes. I'm scared.

The nightmares kept coming in front of me. I want them to stop playing in front of me. I don't want to see them. I don't want to hear them. I just want to escape. I just want to escape, escape from this hell. But I couldn't. What to do? What should I do? What? I don't know anything.

"Hoye, one! The Class topper hasn't completed her homework. Such shocking news. What happened to the always -topper-student? Memory loss or what?"

"Hahahhaha.."

"WHY DO YOU CARE? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Stop! Just stop them. I closed my eyes to stop seeing them. Alas! Only if they could. I don't want to hear them. What to do? I can't stop anything. Everything, every single thing which was in my hand has lost its place. I don't know when but it did. I want the same Adina back again. I don't know what to do. What should I do? It's hurting me, very much. What should I do? Why did I walk away? I was never the one to walk away when someone teases me. I get back at them. What happened now. Why did I lose that courage? Why is this happening to me? Why? I don't know. I heard the bell ring which implies that the break is over. I wiped away my tears. I have to go back to my class. The homework for two more subjects I haven't completed, I have to get punished for it as well. Composing myself, I went outside and towards the washbasin to wash my face. So that it should look fresh. My face should not reveal that I have cried. No one should know. No one! I started walking into my classroom. A long and unbearable day with some students mocking me, with the accusing glances of some of my friends and punishments; is waiting for me. I have to stay idle. No emotions should get revealed out of my system.

As I entered my classroom by ten minutes late, I gazed at my teacher as she started her lesson. It's a social subject now. The social teacher is one of the strict teachers and strangely, she doesn't like me. I don't know why. But If I do something good, she finds a way to point out my non-existent mistake. It was a few days before when I noticed the Teacher's box falling from the bench. As soon as I noticed it, I tried to catch the box before it fell as I was just a bench away from that place. I wasn't successful in it. My teacher's box fell. And she heard the sound. As she heard it, she asked the students from adjacent benches who did that. I stood up as I wanted to explain what exactly happened. But as soon as I stood up, some of the students started screaming my name. The teacher started scolding yet I tried to explain. But she didn't buy any of my explanations. She started to scold me and I was soon sent out of the class to stand. I don't know why she doesn't like me. What did I do that made her dislike me? I don't know. As I recalled the memory, I couldn't help but be sure that I'm going to stand outside in this period. Adding to it, I haven't done my homework. That will be another chance for the teacher to punish me more. I know. I took away my mind from those thoughts, I have to take permission before entering the class. Although I know I'll be thrown out.

"May I come in, Teacher?" The teacher looked up at me as she heard me ask permission. She looked at her watch and looked up at me again.

"You are 10 minutes late. Full 15 minutes of the break wasn't enough to you that you took 10 more minutes? Where is your punctuality gone?" I heard my teacher scolding. I know. This is what going to happen. She will throw me out. But I can't stand it. What if my pain increases if I stand for 45 minutes? I can't stand it. It will pain.

"I'm sorry, Teacher. I'll not do this again, " I told her. I hope she forgives me and let me in. I want to sit or better sleep; to forget everything.

"What sorry? You will do a mistake every time and get away with it and I'll let it happen. Not happening this time," she said. I don't know what to do. What is my fault if she always misunderstood me? Why couldn't she simply listen to me? She never listens to my explanation. Why? It hurts when someone dislikes me, especially my teacher.

"Teacher, I am really sorry. Please forgive me," I pleaded as I heard my teacher conclude.

Meanwhile, another student too came.

"May I come in, Teacher?" I heard Mayank ask the teacher.

"Why are you late?" As I heard it, I couldn't help but feel sad. Why couldn't she ask me the same? Why she had to jump into scolding me. Why?

"I'm sorry, teacher. I'll not let it happen again." The teacher gazed at him as he apologized to her.

"Okay, come inside if you have completed your homework, " Mayank nodded at the teacher as he probably completed his homework. He went inside.

"And you too, "—Teacher looked at me as she continued—" if you have completed your homework without a single mistake, come inside."

How? I haven't completed my homework. My eyes started to water. It's hurting.

"I haven't done my homework, teacher. I'm sorry." I know I have to start outside now. I bowed my head down as the teacher started scolding me again. I tried to control my tears. But I couldn't.

"Crying won't do any work. Go and stand outside for the whole period. After I complete my lesson, I have to punish you for the homework as well." I walked back and stood aside. Tears rolled down my eyes. I'm feeling so depressed. Why couldn't she forgive me?

Evening
4:00 PM

I heard the bell ring. It's time to go home. The home makes me feel scared. The way which makes me feel hurt: more than the hurt I was in. I've to pass through the shop, the monster to go to my home. I came to my school in the morning without too-much-hurt because the shop was closed at that time. It will be open now. What should I do? I don't know. I'll just stick to my brother's side. I'll be okay. Convincing myself, I got up taking my backpack along with me. Everyone is walking out bench-wise. Every class follows this pattern while going home. Either from the first bench or the last bench. It keeps varying every day. Today is the day for the first bench. I have to wait for my turn to go. All the while, I stood silently without interacting with anyone. Maya and Manav are whispering to each other. If it was any normal day, I'd be the one to talk the most or better say whisper. But it's not the condition now. I'm not in a situation to whisper, have fun or talk like before. It's all past tense. The present tense is just hurt pain and suffering. I don't know what will be the future. I just know that I don't want to live in this situation. A situation, that destroyed Adina. Adina's fun, her talk, her love, her care, her shine, her peace, her extroverted nature; is just past now. A beautiful past. I'm not her. I'm not Adina. I'm what? I don't know. I don't about myself anymore.

I sensed a tug at my elbow. I looked at my side to see Maya tugging at me. Why? I thought.

"It's our turn, Adina. Don't you want to go home or what? Move now." I turned to look at the other bench. It's empty, which means It's my turn. How did I not realize it? I don't know.

"Adina, move. How many times should I tell you?" I heard my teacher question me the same. I don't know how missed hearing my teacher's words. Did I listen to my classes today? Can I remember today's lesson? No, I can't. I didn't even listen to the classes today. What's today's homework? I've written in my school diary as well. I usually remember the topic of my homework. Why couldn't I remember it now? Why couldn't I remember anything? I can just remember that I was given homework, double work as my punishment. Yet, I couldn't remember the topic. Why? I don't know. I'm confused. How will I study if I continue to behave this way? I don't know.

I started walking out towards the playground. This is where I meet my brother. And we both will have to go to a home together from there. As I left to the ground, I see my brother standing with his backpack on. He gave me a bright smile. I managed to give the same smile. Soon we started our way to the home. Like I decided, I stick to my brother managing a normal conversation between us.

We were continuing to walk when I have noticed the Church. It's not a Catholic Church. It is a Church for Protestants, particularly the Baptists. And we are Catholic Christians. My family never entered this Church. I never understood what's the difference between Catholic and Protestant. After all, we all are Christians, then why the divisions among the Christians? I don't understand. God is one. Be it a Jesus, Ram, or Shiv. He is one. He just has different forms. I don't know if I am right or wrong. But I want to believe it. It gives me positive vibes. And right now, the situation I'm in is so painful that I couldn't help but walk towards the Church. Be it Catholic or Protestant, what's the difference? I've to pray. And praying in the church doesn't matter, praying in the vicinity of Holy power matters. And that is what I'm going to do. Pray in the vicinity of Spiritual power.

"Di, we have to go home. Why are you going to that Church? Mom and Dad will scold us." I waved my hand towards him: washing away his words, I went inside the Church, not before saying, "Nothing is going to happen. I'll come back in a few minutes. Come with me if you want to."

My Brother followed me inside the Church. I went towards the cross, there is no one in the Church except acolytes. They are busy drying the Ciborium. I walked up to the alter. And I bent on my knees in front of the Cross. I bent my head down as I started praying.

"God! I don't know what happened to me. I don't what they did to me and why they did to that me. But whatever that was, is hurting too much. It was very painful when they were hurting me. Even now, I can feel the pain. The same pain. Why did it happen to me? What's my fault? I was not able to walk. I was bleeding. My body was in pain. I was screaming with helplessness. The hurt was too much to bear. More than that, I felt as if someone is hitting my heart with a rod. I felt choked up. I couldn't help but cry, my throat was sore. I cried my heart out. I hurt myself. I felt disgusted. I felt shameful. I felt I'm unwanted. I feel as if the hurt is the only thing I be-friended with. Is it going to be my future too? I don't know. But you do know, right? Why is that it is all happening to me? Why did I even bear? I never did anything wrong. Or did I?"—I closed my eyes as if to remember if I hurt anyone intentionally— "I don't know. I don't know why I had to bear the pain. I don't know why I had to suffer bleeding."— The incidents kept coming in front of me, the pain, the helplessness, the words, the hurt, the agony, the nightmare, the sleeplessness; everything. — "I don't know what's happening with me. I wanted to share my pain. Yet I couldn't share. I wanted my mother's touch and comfort. Yet I couldn't take it. I wanted my peace. Yet I couldn't feel it. I wanted to sleep. Yet I couldn't sleep. The nightmares are not leaving me. They are haunting. I cried for help. No one heard me. No one. I couldn't move. And then I couldn't close my eyes nor can I open them. I couldn't sleep nor can I stay awake. Whatever I am doing, is taking me to the moment I loathed the most. Why couldn't I simply forget it? I wanted to love my plants, the same way. Yet I couldn't. I wanted to play with my brother. Yet I couldn't. I started feeling uncomfortable under my mother's gaze. I hurt my brother. I hurt my friend. I hurt my mother. And I don't know if I will hurt someone furthermore. I don't know. I just want to get out of this situation. You know everything, right? Please help me. Please bring back my life. Please bring back me. Please show me the way. Please, God."— my eyes started to water behind my closed lids as the ache, the pain, the misery; kept flashing in front of me. — "I'm a new person. Not the one everyone calls Adina. I've changed. I'm not liking this change. The change which changed my life. The change which destroyed me. The change is hurting. I don't know what to call this situation. What is it to be called? Miserable? Depressed? Mortified? I don't know. However, the situation I'm in is pathetic that I want to escape it somehow. So, please show me a way, God!"— I prayed. I prayed with all my heart. Unaware of the fact that it is not possible to escape. The only way she has is to come out of the situation by confronting, not by escaping. Escape is an easy way but confrontation is a hard way. Confronting the hurt, the pain, the struggle, the depression, the misery, the hate, the agony, the social deficits; is going to be a hard task. It needs strength which she has lost. And confronting anything without strength is more than hard. It's going to be too difficult for her.

I opened my eyes after completing my prayer and got up from my position. I whispered before turning around, "Pita, putra, pavitra aatma ke naam Ameen."(Praise the lord- Ameen.) I wiped the corners of my eyes. I have to go now. I turned back after looking at the cross once again. My brother is sitting on the bench admiring the decorations. I went towards my brother, we walked towards the ciborium kept on the table for worshippers. I applied some on my forehead and my brother did the same. And soon after, we were out of the Church.

After reaching the home, 4:30 PM.

"Mom, we are back." My brother waved his hands at my mother who is sitting on the sofa and watching some chef show. My mother smiled at us and we smiled back at her.

I kept my backpack on the table and went inside as we washed our hands and legs outside already. My brother soon occupied his place in front of the TV as I was passing by the sofa to go towards my room. Why did I put my backpack on the table? I don't know why did I keep it on the table when I used to keep it in my room every day. I turned back, walked up to the table, took my backpack, and started walking towards my room when I heard my mother's voice.

"Adi, why don't you watch TV and complete your homework afterward?" My mother asked me. What to answer her? That I didn't complete my homework as I was hurt yesterday. Or should I say that I got punished by my teachers? Or should I say that I became a laughing stock? When I was not able to share my pain with her, will I be able to share this with her? Even if I did, what will I reason it with? I can't. I couldn't. I will not. I'll not share anything about me with anyone anymore. I lost that courage, the trust, the belief. What if I become a laughing stock, again? What if someone tries to hurt me again? What if my mother will yell at me again? Will I be able to bear it? I'm afraid. I'm scared to even think about such a thing again. I can't bear it. My heart will burst out of fear, anxiety, hurt, and pain. How? How will I control all these? I don't know. I just hope someone helps me. God! And now, my mom asking me to watch TV is not helping me much. How can I sit and watch TV? I have double homework today. I have to complete it now. Even my hands are hurting along with my legs, after kneeling for minutes and then walking made it possible. I don't know if I can sit for more than 1 hour 30 minutes and complete my homework. I just know I I have to complete the work or else my homework will be tripped up by tomorrow.

"No, Mom. I have so much work to complete. I'll watch later," I told to my Mom and made my way towards my Room.

*

I came towards my room to complete my homework as my teachers punished me for not doing homework. I have to do double work now. My hand is already hurt with the beatings I got. How am I able to write my homework? My hands are hurting, already. Standing outside the class made my body weaker.

And walking, to go to the home; made it more horrible. I need a warm bath now. I kept my bag aside and went towards the cupboard. I stood in front of my dresses, gazing at them. I have to wear full wear. Although I don't have many visible patches on my skin, I want to hide my skin. As if I want to hide. I took a full sleeve dress from the cupboard and went towards the washroom.

I closed the washroom door and stood under the shower after discarding my clothes and securing my hair with an elastic transparent cover.

As I stood under the shower, I started remembering today's happenings. The nightmare, the aversion, the fear, the mocking, the misunderstandings, the pain, the sufferings; every single thing kept coming in front of me as if it is a screenplay. I couldn't help but cry. Cry my heart out. I know I promised myself not to cry. But what to do when I couldn't control them, my tears? I couldn't control my tears because I couldn't able to bear the hurt. I couldn't able to control my tears because I'm lost, lost in a world where I am alone. Unknown to the fact that it will become her only world. The same world will become her existence. The loneliness will become her habit, her life. Unaware of the fact that it is one of another symptom of PTSD.

As I felt the shower, the warm water cascading down my body is so soothing. I took a deep breath as I can feel my body getting heated up.
After a full half-an-hour, I'm done with my bath.

I got out of the shower and got dressed up. I went outside and immediately took my backpack. I've homework to complete. I've to sit down for hours and complete it. I don't know for how long can I sit. I don't for how long I have to write. It may be whole two hours. But I have to write anyhow. No choice here.

I took a rug and folded it into three plates. I've to feel something soft when I sit. Or else sitting for long hours can hurt me. I kept the rug on my bed and sat on it. I took my books out of my bag and started my homework.

I hope no one disturbs me. Hope is just hope.

After one hour,
6:00 PM

I sat down on my bed completing the homework. Without moving for one hour made me stiff. I can feel my legs turning numb. My neck is hurting like hell. I don't know why. It never happened to me. Then why now? I don't know. I glanced at the ceiling and massaged my neck for two minutes. I hope it helps if not much. I still have today's homework to complete. As I started with my homework, I heard someone banging my room door. Who must be on the door? And when I went into thought, my room door burst open. There came my friends.

"Hey, Adina!" I heard my friends scream at me. They are looking excited. Why? I don't know. If it was any normal situation, my face would lit up with happiness looking at their excited face. But it's not happening now. I can't get the excitement. I can't smile. I can't feel happy. I can't feel comfortable. I can't feel delighted. I can't feel surprised. All I am feeling is getting scared. I was never like this. Not with my friends, not with my mother, not with a brother or anyone. I just live my life. And now, I am like, I have no more life. As if someone snatched away my life. As if I'm not the one to live, to breathe. It's getting difficult to live with each passing second. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to live my life like this. Yet I am living like this, the life I loathe. The lifeless life Adina loathes. I know why my friends came now. I haven't gone to play yesterday. And today they are here, to play. But I can't play. I am not able to play. I'm so afraid. I don't want to play. And here comes the time, I have to hurt my Friends as well. What is this? I don't know. I know by rejecting them, they will not listen to me. I'll have to hurt them. Even if I don't want to. I can't help. I can't help myself anymore.

"Hi," I whispered meekly forcing myself to smile at them. My friends, Rohit, Sara, and Baby; came towards me.

"What is this? Your homework should have completed by now, right," I heard Sara question me.

"I have extra homework today," I responded to her question.

"Why didn't you come to play yesterday," I heard Rohit ask me. Why? What should I tell them? I have no answer. Why? I don't know. I don't know why I don't have any more answers. Every question is just new to me. I have no answers for them. I don't know if I will ever get to know the answers as well. I hope I get it someday.

"I slept," I answered them. I don't have any other answer to tell them.

"Slept? You slept?" Baby made an unbelievable face. Why is it so hard to believe? I don't know. I'm getting irritated at the face she made.

"We came to your house but no one answered us when we rang the bell, " Rohit continued.

"Anyway, leave that. Comm'n we will go and play. It's a playtime, " I heard them scream at me. I shuddered at their pitch. I was never the one to get shuddered at this pitch. And now it's affecting me.

"No, Sara, I can't play. I have homework," I told them. I hope they understand. I don't want to hurt them, just like I did hurt my brother, my mother, and my best friend.

"What No? You can complete your homework afterward. Come now, we'll go and play. Or else should I say to your mother?" she threatened me. What if she tells my mother? Can I explain to my mother, the reason? No. I don't know what to do. However, I don't want anyone to get doubt me. I have to act. If I sit, deny and have no explanation for that, it may lead to suspicion. I don't want that. But I can't force myself to play. What should I do?

"Stop thinking too much, come on." Rohit and Baby started pulling me up from the bed. Ouch! It's hurting. Why they had to pull my hands so hard? My eyes may start to water up, anytime soon.

Baby joined with the two. My friends forced me to come, dragged me to play outside. But, I don't want to play. I'm not liking their closeness to me. Why are they holding my hands? I don't want them to touch me. I just don't them to even look at me. I just want to hide in my room and never let anyone see me. Why? I don't know. I just don't know. What is happening to me? Why I am behaving this way? I don't know. But, I have to go or else what will mom think? I have to go to play with my friends. Force me to play with them. So that no one could doubt me. I don't want my mother to get a hint of it, even. I don't want to.

I forced myself. I convinced myself and went with them after bidding bye to my mother. I didn't even have snacks. I'll have it after playing. I thought to myself and left.

There's a playground just a few feet away from our home.

6:45 PM,

I came walking to my home, hiding my tears. After whatever happened in the playground, I can't help but cry. I know my friends are not at fault. They are just playing. If I was normal, if I was not in pain; I would have done the same. But now, I am in pain. I'm hurt. And after that, I am more hurt. My legs are hurting like hell. My body is getting sore. I've to go and cry in my room, in a corner.

I need to let my tears out. I reached my home in seconds. Thankfully, my mother is in the Kitchen. I want nobody to notice my situation. I walked up to my room and sat on my bed. My tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't control them anymore. I couldn't. I pulled my books and kept them aside. I have to sleep. I have to forget everything. I need to live in dreams, only if the dreams are not nightmares. I slept crying covering myself with a bedsheet. I don't know when but I fell asleep.

"Adina, what happened to you? Come on, do it."

"Yes, Adina. Comm'n, jump."

"Why are you not jumping?"

*Splash*
*Splash*

"Look it was so easy."

"Hahaha.."

I woke up as the scenes kept coming into my dreams. What is this? I don't want to live like this. This should not affect me. Then, why does it affecting me? It's not something I wouldn't have done. What is happening to me? Please, someone, help me. I didn't want to play. And now, sitting on my bed, I can't help but retreat. I cried my heart out as they keep hurting me.

Is there any way to not feel the pain?

Precap

"Mom, do you have to go?" I asked my mother. She looks worried. After all, her mother is not well. How can she be all right if not worried? But how am I going to cop up? I never stayed alone.

"Yes, I have to, Adi, " she said.

"Why don't you take us?" I heard my brother ask my mother.

"Who will go to school then?" I heard my father answer my brother.

"You'll stay in your Aunt and Uncle's home for some days until we come back." My father came towards us and told me and my brother. Days?

"How many days, Dad?" I asked my father. I can't stay for more days, all alone. I just can't. Not knowing that these days will teach her to breathe alone. All her emotions will become numb, that she will no more live a lifeless life. Instead, she will live a life that is more worst than lifeless life.

"Two days, " I heard my father answer me. Two days? Okay, I can sustain. We can sustain. I thought to myself. Although, it's quite hard to accept. I know with time, I'll accept soon.