"Will."

God sounded a lot like my mother.

"Will, wake up."

Almost exact like my mother.

Maybe God was my mother.

Maybe I was the son of God.

"Come on, baby, wake up."

Why was God being so gentle? I died on a good day, I guessed, because I'd found God in such a sweet mood.

If I was dead, why did I have a rippling pain along my ribcage? And why couldn't I move my legs?

I opened my eyes very slowly. I wanted to be ready for whatever heaven was going to look like, and I didn't want a system shock from opening my eyes too fast. What if my father was waiting there for me? I had to be fully prepared for seeing him again, especially after failing so dismally at becoming a man in his stead. I wanted to be able to still hold my head up high and look him in the face when we greeted each other. I had to be ready for that.

Heaven was very clinical. There were fluorescent lights in the sky, and enormous windows that gave a view of tall buildings nearby were on two of the walls in my heavenly room. I was attached to an IV. The lower half of my body was in traction...in heaven. Somewhere in my nether-regions a catheter was installed...again, in heaven.

I wasn't in heaven. The voice of God that sounded like my mother actually was my mother. She was looking down at me with reddened eyes and absolute love. She clearly hadn't slept for a long time. She was stroking my head very softly, and her smile was one of pure relief.

"It's good to see you again, son," she whispered.

A huge rush of pain flooded my entire body. Everything hurt everywhere. I think the only part of me that didn't hurt was the space between my toes, and even that had a little twinge to it. I remembered what had happened, and the bull's face rushing toward me flew into my mind.

"How did I not die?" I asked. My voice was very quiet, mostly because I couldn't take a deep enough breath to get any volume. Anything more than a slight gasp made my ribs hurt like I'd gone twelve rounds with Mayweather.

"I'm not sure," she replied. "When Farmer Ted found you, he thought you were dead. He's still out there looking for that bull. That monster hasn't been out of that pen for years. I think you were just a ticket out."

"I thought I was dead for sure."

"So did I. By the time Dr. McGillicuddy came down from his house, we thought we'd lost you. He had the most awful look on his face while he checked you out, but he found a pulse. He thinks the electric fence kept giving you just enough of a shock to keep your heart going. A couple of broken bones, a few months in a cast, and you'll be good as new. You're a very lucky boy."

Boy.

That word had never sounded worse.

I started to cry.

"I couldn't do it, Mum. I couldn't have fought him even if I'd gotten into the field."

She leaned down and kissed my forehead.

"All I care about, my sweet, is that you're alive," she said. "I'm not sure if I could have handled another one gone so soon."

She wanted me alive, and all I wanted to be was dead. Maybe not dead. Just not in this room being loved so absolutely. She was treating me as if my life was the most important one ever to be lived, when I knew so very well that just the opposite was true. Her eyes, so pure and so open were too much for me to bear. I had to turn away.

"You've been through so much," she said. "And you should get some more rest, but there are just a few people who would love to see that you're okay. Can I let them in?"

I nodded, even though I desperately wanted be left alone for the rest of my life. I nodded for my mum, because I knew that she needed everyone to see that I was okay. She went to the door, opened it, and gestured for whoever was outside to come into the room with her and me. My sisters, brother, and Viktor all filed in, all bleary-eyed and in various states of dishevelment.

Viktor was smiling without showing any teeth, and he kept swallowing over and over again even though there was nothing in his mouth. I had done a lot of that exact same thing when my dad had died. I knew what he was doing, and I knew how much he would appreciate it if I didn‟t bring attention to it.

"Good to see you, Vik," I said. "Even if I do have to kick your ass later."

He bowed his head and laughed once. He was nodding when his head came back up, and his blinking frequency had increased a thousand-fold.

The only person who hadn't acknowledged me or looked at me in any way was Melody. She huddled behind everyone else with her arms wrapped around her like a much younger girl. Her eyes were fixed on a point somewhere outside, and she chewed on the inside of her cheek so hard a hole would wear through before she knew it was happening. Everyone else looked at me with love and adoration, but she refused to even glance in my direction. Her eyes were as bleary and tired as everyone else's, but something was on her mind.

"What's up, Mel?" I asked.

Melody chewed her face some more, and her nostrils flared. "What were you doing in there, Will?" 

"In the bull pen?"

"Yeah, the bull pen. Dad just died, and you're launching yourself like an idiot into a bull pen with the biggest bull in town. What were you trying to prove?"

I shrugged, which was a very painful gesture.

"Nothing."

"That's a lie," she said, and she finally turned to face me. Her gaze was so intense I could hardly bear to meet it. "No one, especially not my wimpy big brother, goes into a bull pen without thinking he's got something to prove. Who was it for, huh? Was it for us? Was it for Jodi? Viktor? Dad? Were you trying to prove to Dad that you could do it, is that it?"

Furious tears flowed freely from her eyes, and she towered over the foot of the bed. The rest of the family including Viktor gave her a very wide berth.

"You know what I think, Will? I think you're selfish. I think you haven't figured out how to deal with the fact that Dad's dead, and you don't have the balls to come and talk to us about it. That's what I think."

Melody stood at the end of my bed, and then suddenly ran around to the side and gave me a hug. It was a long hug, and I felt her shuddering in my arms as she sobbed. My little sister had just taken a huge leap into maturity with one tirade. She'd just put all of my angsty, twisted and unrealized nonsense into a few words, and it was one of the greatest gifts I could have received.

"You're right, Mel," I said, and she stood up with a suspicious look on her face.

"You've never said those words before in my entire life, ever," she said. "Is this the painkillers talking?"

I laughed.

"No, it's me. You're right. About everything. I've been a dick."

"Will!" Madeline chastised.

"Sorry, Madeline, but I have. I can't believe how selfish and stupid I've been. I thought that a few tasks would help me take care of you guys; maybe help me be a man...but I only did one. There were four, and all I could do was one."

They were all looking at Viktor, who was avoiding my gaze with shifty, guilty eyes.

"I might have told them everything," he said.

I shook my head and stared at him in disbelief. "I really am going to have to kill you, aren't I?"

He smiled and laughed. He was a good friend.

"You never had to be the man of this family, my love," said Mum. "And if I've got my hunches right, I'm going to have to kick Barry to death."

I looked up at her, and she held my head in her hands.

"You're all that you'll ever need to be. We love you so much, every day, for everything you've ever done and will do. There is no written code of manhood, there is no set number of tasks or belt notches or tests that you have to do to prove your manliness. You'll know when you're there. Be your own man. You can't be anyone else."

It was the best thing anyone had ever said to me, and exactly what I needed to hear. I missed Dad more than I had ever before, but at that precise moment, I was finally able to say goodbye. A light filled me, and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

"He's gone," I said. "He really is gone."

"Yes, he is," said Mum. "But you're still here. And if you any do anything this stupid again, I'll kill you."

She kissed me on the forehead again, and then everyone gave me a hug. It felt really nice.

"You do realize Hemingway ended up a full blown alcoholic and shot himself to death, don't you?" Mum asked.

"No, I missed that one," I said. "I didn't exactly do my homework on this whole thing. I just sort of went for it."

"No shit," said Mel.

We all laughed again. Then we had a moment, just a nice moment where no one said anything but we just all sort of existed for a second or two, appreciating each other and just being there.

"We love you, Will," said Mum. "And you should get some rest soon. There's just one more person that would like to say something to you."

I wondered who else there was. Everyone was in the room already. I had no idea who it could be.

"Come on, everyone," said Mel. "Let's give them some privacy." 

The family slowly filtered out of the room, offering words of love and well-wishing. Viktor came up for another hug, and told me he was sorry.

"I'm still going to beat your ass," I said. "But thanks."

The door shut behind them, and I couldn't believe how good I felt. After all the madness, all the stupid questing and tasks and Hemingway bullshit, all it took was a few words from these wonderful, insane people to make me feel better. Why couldn't we all just have a little vial of wisdom around our necks to use whenever we got into crap knots like the one I'd just found myself in?

Maybe that's what drunks thought booze was, or cardio freaks with their intense workouts.

Maybe that was just life, and experience was the little vial.

The door opened, and someone walked in that I'd never expected to see again. She'd been crying, and her hand was still bruised from having punched someone right in the face as hard as she could.

"Hi, Jodi," I said, my voice shaking.

It was so good to see her.

"Hi," she said.

There was a long silence.

We just stared at each other.

I really wanted her to come over and kiss me.

I knew she wouldn't.

"Do you still hate me?" I asked.

More silence.

I wanted her to scream at me, shriek herself hoarse with anger. Anything but the staring and the silence.

"No," she said. "But I really don't like you very much."

The faintest hint of a smile tickled the corners of her mouth. It was the best thing I'd ever seen.

"I can live with that," I said.

                                                                                   THE END