Anonymous reader...

I was looking for an Agony Aunt on here and found your book, and I like it, so I though I'd just write to you to get your perspective on my situation. I prefer the opinion of strangers than to friends or family.

So my story is a long, complicated and depressing one, so I'll shorten it by saying my parents aren't worthy of being parents.

They're both manipulative and they've been this way as long as I can remember. I haven't spoken to my dad in years, but I live with my mum. I'm approaching the age where I truly can't take her anymore, especially with her drinking and smoking problems (problems she won't admit are problems.)

To be quite frank, she's selfish. She doesn't care about my mental well-being or anyone else's but her own.

Anyway, in the most recent incident of her getting drunk and losing her shit, she hit me for the first time. I went into shock and had a panic attack, which only happens when I'm truly pushed to my limit. She didn't care.

The reason she hit me was to try and get to my younger brother- whom I was trying to protect- and not twenty seconds before she punched me in the ribs she told me she loved me and that she'd never hurt me.

So I just wanted your perspective on this. I understand that it's pretty heavy and you might not want it published (also I understand if you don't want to reply to some random stranger) but what is your perspective on this? What do you think I should do? This is just a tiny fraction of the tip of the iceberg to the shit and turmoil I've gone through, so it'd be nice to have an outsider opinion.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it x

Wow... You have a lot of courage to let me in on such a serious problem that is going on in your life. You, my friend, are braver than I could ever wish to be and I salute you for that. One thing I noticed is that throughout your message, you thanked me for reading and acted as if it were me who should be humbled. I'm sorry love, but it should be me who thanks you for even telling me about all this shite that's happening to you. Don't thank me for reading; that's a given with whoever you are and whatever your problem is. I thank you for sharing and letting me publish it for the possible readers who could use the advice.

Alright, so my perspective is going to be pretty obvious and standard. Your. Mum. Doesn't. Deserve. You. Simple as that. If she is going to have children, she needs to bloody well care for the living, breathing beings she brings up. The fact that she cannot be bothered to provide basic emotional needs for you and your brother makes me hate her with a passion. No one has any right to abuse someone else, let alone when they are still developing mentally and physically as children. It disgusts me.

The way I see it, your mother has two major faulted aspects that all need to be dealt with differently.

DRUNK: When someone is drunk, some of the nerve cells in their brain are disconnected/blocked with alcohol chemicals. This means that their "human brain" which controls judgement is out of use. Most of what she will say whilst under the influence of alcohol will therefore be honest and stripped to the core. However, there is a point where it begins to plummet. Very quickly she will begin spurting out complete, irrational rubbish. Now, I'm not sure at what point your mother said she'd never hurt you but if it was before the dip, it was heartfelt and sincere. If it was after, I'm sorry. I am no psychologist, but from the almost instant turn from love to hate I think that she hit her peak somewhere in between. I think she truly meant what she said but her actions afterwards were probably regretted silently when sober.

The way to react to this is by believing nothing she says whilst drunk. Just remind yourself that it all means nothing and that only when she isn't intoxicated does she speak rationally. Perhaps what she says before she turns is heartfelt, but it is easy to misjudge where or when they change attitude. It can happen instantly or over a matter of an hour. Only take in what she says whilst sober.

SELFISH: You even said it yourself- she is extremely self-absorbed. What you need to do is not bother about providing for her. If she is going to only think of herself, take over the role of providing and only care about you and your brother. Don't do any excess work for her. Just remember to do some minor things to tide her over because outright ignoring her will make her possibly angry. This anger will not go down well if she becomes drunk beyond belief again.

Also, the fact that she didn't give a shit when you were having a bloody panic attack just kills me inside. Call childline- they will do everything they can to help you. When you ring in, the call doesn't appear on your phone bill which means your mother won't be able to see it. Your call can be anonymous so no one will ever put a situation to a name or face. The number is 0800 1111 or you can go on their website www.childline.org for articles about all sorts of topics or get written answers if you don't want to verbally talk. I think the number is just for British people, I'm not sure, but the website I know is avaliable worldwide. If my facts are wrong, there are many other similar organisations that you should be able to find for wherever you live. There is an article on alcoholic parents here: http://www.childline.org.uk/Explore/HomeFamilies/Pages/Parentsandalcohol.aspx but that is only one of Childline's many useful advice pages.

I cannot even begin to imagine what happens if this is just the tip of the iceberg. I can only tell you good luck and I am here if you need me. Making friends helps and hey, I'm always here for anyone and everyone.

From ciaramaeflower

xxx

P.s. Another quick thing, if your brother is exceptionally young, don't forget to comfort him. He doesn't understand what's going on and that this isn't right, so just remind him everyday that you love him and that he always has you to talk to. He needs something to hold onto and you may just have to be that rock like he can be yours. Siblings are the strongest bond because however much you dislike them, you always have eachother's back through thick and thin.