Every time people knock at the door of my life, they leave me as soon as I let my guards down.

How am I supposed to trust anyone when this cycle never stops?

Be it a relative, be it a friend or be it someone who claimed that he loved me.

I am left wondering, what's wrong with me?

Why they think I'm mad? Why they think I don't deserve to be treated like a girl who have also a heart, which gets hurts easily by their constant rejections.

Wherever I go, what ever I do. People have a mission to prove me wrong. To tell me I'm not enough. To push me for more.

I never chose to be depressed. I never chose to be the way I have turned into. I never chose to be alone.

But I get the blame, no matter what happens.

I'm too much tired. I don't know why the pain never stops.
I am tired of pretending to smile, I'm tired to be sweet to everyone when life is anything but sweet to me. It hurts to behave like everything is okay, when I'm not.

They say it's gonna be okay. They say smile.

I know it will be okay but for now, I just have lost my self.

I look at my past and try to find a moment when I was truly happy. But I found none.

I need someone. Not a lover.

May be a true friend, who will hug me and say, "hey it's gonna be okay!"

I want to keep my head in someone's lap and cry endlessly. Tell them about my every insecurity.

It's easy to say 'drop it and smile' but it's fucking hard to do it when you have no reason to.

I have grown into a person, who no longer laughs between people or smile at a stranger. I have turned into someone whose heart is just numb.

I even don't react when I hear that someone died or someone scares me of death.

Because to me, death is no longer the biggest loss.

Loosing and killing what is inside you is biggest loss.

And I have already turned into someone I don't wanna be.

I hate being this way. It feels too much empty. It don't even hurts me anymore and that hurts like bitch. Not hurting at all.

I wonder how much it will take me to give up... And never come back.

For now, I just wanna say to my life 'drop it..stop playing prank on me every fucking time and let me be.'

..........