I'm sorry. I really am. Trigger warning.

No matter how much Remington wants to throw away the letter, to forget all about it, he can't. He reads it over and over until the words are engraved into his mind and all he can see is Holly, in jail, and it's all his fault. She's locked up and it's his fault. She's going to die there and it's his fault. Everything is his fault. His fans hate him and it's his fault. It always was.

What was he thinking blaming her? Who was he kidding? God, he's such a fuck up. Everything about him is just wrong. He should have just loved her. He should have just told her the truth. But he didn't. He fucking didn't, and it's all his fault.

Everything. It's his fault that he was abused. It's his fault that he was shouted at, screamed at until his ears rang. His fault that he has an ugly scar, that he spent so long terrified of hugging Andy.

He was raped and it's his fault.

The bandages around his wrists are torn off, blurry through tears. He throws the fabric across the kitchen. He wants to throw himself off a bridge. Maybe he should.

He reads the letter again, screams at it.

He was raped and it's his fault.

If he was thinking straight then he would call Abigail, but his phone is in his coat and that's in the hall, and anyway, he doesn't deserve help anymore. Not when all of this is his fucking fault. What the hell was he thinking when he told himself it wasn't? What the hell is wrong with him?

Again, he reads the letter, and he swears he can hear her shouting every single word at him. He likes how it hurts. She hurt him because he hurt her. It makes so much sense. Of course that's why. Why is she being punished for something that he caused? He should be the one rotting in jail. He should be the one being punished. Not here. She's innocent.

None of this is her fault.

And it never was.

All those times he came home and she shouted at him for being home late. Every day when she made him kiss her, made him shower with her, made him lie to his brothers, his fans, everyone. Every day. It was all his fault. And he deserved it. When she hit him, made him dizzy, he deserved that, because it was his fault. It is his fault. She's here with him. He knew she'd come back. It was too good; the freedom. But he's not free anymore, because she's back and he's terrified.

He reads it so much that it hurts his eyes. His head is spinning and he doesn't know where he is. He shouldn't be here, on this earth. Holly was right. Holly is right.

Holly is always right.

The paper is wet with tears and stained with fingerprints of blood. He can't breathe. But it's fine, because it's his fault. Somehow the letter ends up on the floor, and so does Remington, dripping blood onto the tiles. He feels it dribble down his arm and soak into his shirt and he knows that he deserves to feel like this. He deserves it all.

It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. It just hurts. And it's his fault.

He was raped and it was his fault.

She told him that she'd find him, that she'd never let him go, and he tried to run. What an idiot he is! He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be anywhere.

It hurts to cry but he can't fucking stop. There's blood on his face and he's going to be sick but he doesn't care. It's not like he doesn't deserve it all.

His wrists sting so much they're practically numb and he likes it that way. He likes that it hurts, because pain is what he deserves.

He was raped and it's all his fault.

Remington keels forwards and gags, throwing up so violently he's sure his organs come up, too. He coughs and tries to take in a deep breath but it burns in his throat and he falls back against the cupboard behind him, head hitting the handle. With a sob, Remington grabs his head in his hands, wondering what she would think of him now. What would have happened if he just old her he didn't love her? Would she really have left? Would none of this have happened?

If she were to see him like this, what would she think? She'd probably laugh at him, tell him to shut up, to stop being such a baby.

This isn't fair, he thinks, it's not my fault.

But it must be. If it's not Holly's fault then it must be his. Stuff like that doesn't just happen. You don't wake up one morning and decide you want to rape someone. Do you? Is she really to blame? Is he really to blame? Is it even anyone's fault?

God, it's so fucking confusing. He hates how confused he is.

He rubs his eyes, tries to calm himself down, but he doesn't know how. He remembers how he used to feel, a few months ago, when he cried himself to sleep and woke up screaming and was scared of touching anyone who wasn't his brothers. Maybe he deserved to live like that.

And Holly said she never wanted to hear from him again. She said do us both that favour.

But did she really just mean that he shouldn't write back?

She's right, though, he shouldn't be blaming her for all of this shit, and he shouldn't be acting like he's the fucking victim when he's not.

So what if he was raped? Who gives a shit? It doesn't matter. He ran away so he was practically asking for it. He should have known the moment that he walked out that house what would happen, but he kept fucking walking. He should have gone back in and just taken whatever abuse she had in store for him. She wouldn't be in jail if he'd just sucked it up and gone back inside like a fucking man.

But now she's locked up, he's ruined his life, and his fans hate him, and it's all his fucking fault!

It was his fault that he was raped and he deserves to live with the terror of that.