Hey x hope you like this.

Also the reason why this is slow on updates is because this is probably the most important, personal thing I'll ever write, I'm putting more time and effort into this that ever before.

I've completely scrapped some parts out and added aspects into it. I've also had to rewrite sections of it even though there are only six chapters. So sorry if its a long wait xx

Shawn's POV

I barely slept last night. I was too busy thinking about what was going on - my grandmother, those innocent children, that was all I could think about.

"Shawn, honey time to get up." Malea shakes my shoulder and I wake up, able to sit myself up for the first time in a few days.

"Morning." I say quietly, standing up.

"Take it easy, small steps. Come into the kitchen." (On my heart, even though you don't mean to hurt me, you keep tearing me apart!!!)

Today is when we will say goodbye to my grandmother. My mum thought it'd be too painful for me to go to the hospital so we could get the body, so Malea and I would be meeting the rest of my family and friends at the cemetery.

"Eat something." Malea says, trying her best to get me to eat. She really cared for me. I guess I should've cared for my grandmother in the same way.

"No... I'm good."

"Shawn you're eating something... eat this." She passes me a banana and I reluctantly eat it.

I then go back into my room and change into a black suit that I would be wearing, but I wear jeans instead of trousers. My grandmother liked it when I did this - she liked my shirt/jean combo.

I get a black tie and begin to tie it. I kept messing up as my hands were shaking... so much.

"Need help?" Malea comes into the room, wearing a plain black dress.

"Please" I pass her the tie and she ties it for me, making sure it wasn't too tight. "All done." She runs her hands over my shoulders, giving me a comforting, sympathetic person.

"Come on, let's go." She takes my hand in hers.

We go in her car, which I bought for her birthday as she had always been there for me ever since I was very young. All the way through my career, when things got tough, she would be there for me, flying out to see me when I was stressed or down.

(Mercedes G Wagon)

The ride there was silent, my head resting on the window. I almost fell asleep due to lack of sleep.

"Right we're here." Malea pats my leg, before helping me out of the car. "Just tell me if it gets too much. We can do something. I just want you to be okay."

"Okay... I'll be fine." I smile weakly, walking slowly towards my mum.

"Hey" my mum gives me a long hug, holding my head in her hands. "Just tell me if you need anything. I don't want you to suffer."

"I'm fine mum." I lie through gritted teeth. "Where's Aaliyah?"

"I'm here." She walks up to me and my arm goes around her shoulder protectively. She's a child and doesn't deserve to be going through this. Because of me, she is.

Malea comes and stands beside me, and my mum takes Aaliyah a bit further back as she was too young to see the burial.

I see it. The coffin. Slowly, it was carried towards us. I couldn't bear to look, my head digs into Malea's shoulder and her arm goes around me.

I don't remember the next part. I just remember falling to my knees, admitting that I couldn't emotionally cope.

"Malea take him somewhere else." I hear my mum call, and I'm helped to my feet and taken into the backseat of the limo everyone else came in.

I felt like I was going to faint.

"Lay down Shawn. Lay down." It was almost as if Malea knew. My head collapses into her lap and my heart breaks into a million pieces. "Keep your head low, you need to get blood there."

My head digs into her leg, desperately trying to somehow calm myself.

I must've layed there for a long time; my mum opens the car door and sees me.

"Shawn, look at me." My mum helps me sit, my side from where I was shot, incredibly painful. "Come here." She sits in the car beside me and pulls me into her arms, my head on her shoulder. "It's okay, you're okay." She coos, trying to reassure herself as well as me.

"I'm okay mum, don't worry." I say into her shoulder. My eyes begin getting droopy, its odd how my mum realises. "Hey, lay here. You need rest." My mum helps me lay my head in her lap and I fall asleep there, my heart at peace.

It feels like I was asleep for hours.

"Wake up honey. We're home." Malea pats my shoulder and helps me out of the car. We go into our apartment and I change before getting into bed. I was mentally drained from the day's events.

"Shawn." Malea comes in with a bottle of water in her hand. "Drink some water."

"I'm exhausted." I yawn, digging my head into the pillow. "Can you stay with me?" I was close to tears but I didn't want to be weak. Not when I killed all those innocent people.

"Yeah, I will." I budge up to make room for her and then rest my head on her shoulder.

Now that my grandmother had been burried, I had to visit the children.

"Are you in any pain?" She asks, stroking my hair.

Honestly, it hurt like a bitch.

"I'm okay."

"Just rest up yeah."

"I want to see the children tomorrow." I blurt out.

"Shawn, are you going to be able to mentally cope?"

"I'll be okay, it'll really help me. Please?" I beg, looking into her eyes.

"Okay. I'll take you tomorrow, but you need to tell me if it all gets too much, that's the deal."

However it couldn't get too much. It just couldn't.

Because I felt nothing...

SO 1HR 48 MINS TILL SM3 ARRGGHHHH