"Its late." I thought as I closed the YouTube video I just watched. Something about the new animal crossing, but I wasn't really paying attention. "Its late." I thought. Well, if you can call midnight late. For me it was. It felt good to have at least the illusion of a schedule. I got ready for bed, closed the window, turned off the light and closed my eyes.

My mind is wandering off. To the stars, to the trees, to the people. Why is everything so complicated now? How did we get here? What happened? Am I already dreaming. This can't be real But I know it is though. Everything is real. Everything or nothing. And people are stupid. They don't wear masks, they go to parties, they ignor their coughs. Why? Do they think they're safe? Cause they're not. Nobody is safe now. Especially with these lunatics out there. Why do people mistrust the government? Why do they distrust science? Why, when it has achieved so much already? Why do people think the earth is flat, the government is poisoning our water and climate change doesn't exist? The earth is so clearly getting warmer year after year. Warmer and warmer... too warm... too much... too dense... no air...

I awoke with a start. On my shelf I saw the numbers 00:16 peacefully shining in the dark. I pulled myself from under the blanket, but the heavy feeling of heat and no air that had pulled me from my dream didn't vanish, so I got out of bed, opened the window again and started walking the room in circles. After ten minutes I felt my eyelids almost drooping while walking so I closed the window again, crawled under the pleasently cool blanket and close my eyes.

Why is the mattress still so warm? Did I leave the stove on? Maybe next time this happens I can get a pack of ice out of the freezer and cool my bed with it. Why am I so... alive right now? Why can't I just sleep? I should be tired. I am tired. But still. My insides are turning over. Everything is crooked. The world, people, life. My stomach feels like a little kid, jumping on a trampoline. There is too much there. Too much thoughts, too much worries. Or too less. Too less things to do, to make myself tired. No, I am tired, but I can't sleep. I musn't. I musn't ignore what is going on. I could do so much more. I could write a book that inspires other people to find something to write about. I could start a YouTube Channel to make other people laugh and forget everything for just a few minutes. I could do music and give other people hope to hold on. But I do none of these things. I am empty. I can't do anything. I'm just lying here trying to sleep, hoping that somehow, somehow there is still something left in me. Something usefull. But there isn't there is just emptyness and corona and worries about my family and corona and guilt and corona and corona and corona. Nothing but corona. I just want to get rid of it. I just want the little kid on the trampoline that is my stomach to get off the trampoline, stoop over a bush and barf out everything that is corona.

No...

I was awake again. With a weird feeling in my stomach. Like there was someone in there that just pushed me because they wanted me out of bed. They wanted me to do something usefull to make this guilt stop. But what could I do? At least now. The clock on the shelf showed 00:34 and I was still not asleep. I got out of bed - again - and made myself a cup of tee to soothe my roiling insides. I thought about taking the trash outside because it would soon be overflowing again, but I decided no. I didn't want any neighbors to see me in my pyjamas and it was cold. The tee was warm and had just a small hint of sweetness. I didn't know what was in it exactly except lavender, but the packaging said it was soporific so I believed it. If not the herbs, at least the placebo would help me. I finished the tea, got back in bed and closed my eyes again.

Sleep. Sleep! SLEEP!!! Goddammit! What is your problem, body? Why do you do this to me? If you're stressed, sleep. You're just making it worse. I hate my life. I hate everything. I want this to stop. I want to go outside. To see things, hear things, feel things. This is torture. I want to run around the house destroying everything. I want to hurt myself if it is the only way to feel anything. I want to scream and scream and scream. AAAAAAARGH!!!

I felt my whole body thrashing around as I awoke with a scream. The clock on the shelf showed 00:42. By now I thought it looked at me with a sneaky glee rather than a peaceful smile. I whiped the sweat off my forhead and thought about what just happened. Then I heared my phone buzz. I opened the groupchat with my best friends on Whatsapp. "Hey, anyone else that can't sleep want to join discord and talk?"