I BOUGHT A HOUSE BITCHES!

Well, Stolas got it for me. Yeah me and my landlord got into this huge ass fight because I fucked his wife. In my defense, I met her at a bar and didn't know who she was because I had never met her before. Anyway, I happened to be walking around and got a call from Stolas, who just wanted to talk like normal people. It slipped what happened to me and he hung up on me and called me like 10 minutes later. Some of his workers got my shit and brought me to my new house, which Stolas explained was one of his "vacation homes" that he never used so he gave it to me as a gift. It's gotten a big yard with a big ass in-ground pool and it isn't far from my job. 8/10, which is only because I live alone currently and a lot of pompous pricks live around me.

Y/N: Hmm....I should really get like a pet in here or something. Maybe get one of those little Quieves I see running around.

On the bright side, I have a place to display all of my guns and stash my car. Oh, I can even display my Catfish monster stone, I put it as a centerpiece of the whole place. Suddenly, I get a call on my phone and see my contact "Horse fucker". I hit answer and put it on speaker.

Y/N: Sup boss.

Blitzø: You wanna go to the Harvest Moon Festival?

Y/N: The wha?

Blitzø: A fair full of inbred country bumpkin fucks in Wrath.

Y/N: I'll meet you there. Just let me get my outfit and send me the address.

Blitzø: Don't be late. We're going to Millie's place to crash for the festival.

I end the call and smirk. Looks like it's time to bust out my boots!

Timeskip
I made it to the Rough n' Tumbleweed Ranch, the place the lovable bottom heavy Imp Millie grew up in. I get out of my car and smoke a cigarette. I'm glad Millie got me these clothes. She wanted me to meet her parents and my normal outfit wouldn't give off a good impression with her parents being country folk and all.
(He has the Horse Menace outfit because THAT mfer is sexy as fuck)

Millie runs out of the IMP van to hug her father. He picks her up and spins her before putting her down. 

Joe: Yeeeee-hawwww! How's my deadly little pumpkin spice doing?

Millie: I'm good, Pa! Thanks for lettin' us stay here for the harvest jamboree.

Lin: It's no trouble. We know you aren't making as much anymore since y'all went "freelance".

Millie: Freelance pays fine, Ma! We're doin' fiiiiine! It's fine.

Millie went over to Moxxie, who was struggling to carry their luggage, and basically launched his ass towards her parents. The interaction is....awkward to say the least. Joe and Lin look at him disapprovingly, like he's a perpetual disappointment. Guess this is my time to shine. I grab my luggage and M&M's luggage because I don't feel like making all these trips. Millie basically DRAGS my ass to her parents with stars in her eyes.

Millie: And this is the guy I told yall about!

I put the luggage down and tip my hat politely. Joe is a solidly built man, expected from a farmer in a place like this. His arm mark is hella cool.

Millie's mom though....

Y/N: I mean this in the most respectful way I can but I see where Millie gets her hips from.

Joe just looks at me for a bit, a gesture I return. Unexpectedly, we meet for a manly handshake, and I squeeze his hand as hard as I can. Life lesson kids, always give a firm handshake to anyone you meet, especially a man. Joe gives a hearty laugh and slaps my back.

Joe: I like this one Pumpkin Spice, he's a keeper.

Lin: And he's got a way with words.

She gives me that.....OH SHIT I MIGHT BAG A MIL-wait she's married. Bad Y/N, they seem happy together. Millie smiles and holds onto my arm.

Millie: He may be from the city, but this boy can do any work you give him.

Joe: Think you up for working around the farm boy?

Y/N: I'll take any challenge ya give sir.

I just said sir to be polite...but Blitzø decided to be Blitzø.

Blitzø: Hey, watch it! I'm the "sir" here, bucko!

Millie: Oh yeah! Y'all haven't met my boss Blitzø! And his other hellhound!

Blitzø pulled an indifferent Loona to his side. Damn those abs...

Loona: I'm not just his hellhound.

Y/N: And I'm not just his Hellhound either Mildred!

Blitzø: Yeah, she's my daughter!

Blitzø pulls Loona to his side with a funny pout, making Loona freeze up.

Loona: Only on paper.

He did the same thing to me, still holding Loona.

Blitzø: And he's my attack dog!

Y/N: Bitch-!

Blitzø walks away to greet Millie's parents. Loona just got on her phone and started texting our groupchat, which we've named "The Pack".

Loona: Y'all don't deserve to know my name.

I give her a pat on the ass, making her blush.

Y/N: Be nice Loona. I know you're a good girl.

I....I think I awakened something in Loona. Her tail was wagging like crazy and she looked like a dog that wants belly rubs. I dip, not wanting to deal with whatever THAT'S gonna be, and go back to the May family.

Blitzo: It's a pleasure to finally meet the sperm and egg factory that popped out this little gem of an assassin. You two raised a sturdy bitch!

Y/N: I'll say. I'm still pissed about her turning a simple food run into a 5 star GTA chase!

Millie: I sat on your face as an apology!

Y/N: It's the principal! But I did appreciate the Cherry pie. And I agree with Blitzø, you're a pretty sturdy gal.

Joe chuckled. Surprised he isn't angry at how me and Millie talk about sex casually. Blitzø and Joe shake hands.

Joe: That we did! So... Blitzø, is it? Heh heh. That's a fine name.

Lin: Reminds me of war.

Joe: Nothing like a little war to make a strong man!

Joe smiles and sighs happily before flexing. Damn he got some guns.

Blitzø: I like you people.

Moxxie: Y'know... more battles were won by technological advances in warfare. I've researched the history of weaponry extensively, and it's inspiring how... for example, the progression of guns utilizing angelic technology has changed the landscape of Hell's combative...

Millie makes a "cut it out" motion with her hands as Joe crosses his arms.

Y/N: Well that is true Mox, look at how advanced the Nazis were in WW2. But you still need soldiers to use those new weapons. If you're in the trenches, do you want some skinny sissy that doesn't know which bathroom to use and says there are more than three genders to support you, or a fucking redneck farmer with an assault rifle in one hand and a Monster mixed with Moonshine in the other?

(A/N: So about the three genders thing, let me explain. No, I don't consider non-binary a gender because that shit doesn't make sense. I loosely consider Hermaphrodite a gender because it can mess with the chromosomes, but it's more of a birth defect than it is a gender. Plus it's rare, about 1 in 5000 births. So when someone asks me how many genders are there, I usually say three and explain why I say it)

Joe slaps my back and gives a hearty laugh.

Joe: A man ain't nothin' if he can't tear the head off a hellish beast with only his bare hands! I like this one!

Blitzø laughs at Moxxie.

Blitzø: HAAAA! He's right, Moxxie! *baby talk* You got cute wittle baby hands like your baby dick!

Blitzo grabs Moxxie's hand and reaches toward his crotch, only for him to slap it away.

Moxxie: Refrain... sir.

Joe: Speakin' of strong hands, y'all should meet our newest help. Hey! Striker!

We all look to see a cowboy demon riding a flaming horse to us. The horse leaps over the fence and rears at us, giving a demonic roar/neigh. Striker tips his hat at us with a smile, showing his golden tooth.

Blitzø

Striker: Well, howdy! Oh, lookie here! You must be the famous Mildred!

Striker got off his horse and walked to Millie.

Striker: Heard some good things about you from your folks, little lady.

Striker winked, making Millie giggle nervously before they shook hands.

Striker: What're y'all doin' so far away from Imp City? Heh. The free workin' finally slowin' down?

Millie: Oh, no! Freelance isn't free! It's a--... Never mind. We're just visitin' for the festival. The prince is our boss' boyyyyfrieeeend!

Blitzø: Millie, I am not above hitting a female in front of her daddy, BOTH of them.

Striker: Boss, huh...? Ohhh, so YOU'RE the bold imp to start his own killing biz?

Blitzø: Yeah, well if you're good at somethin', you should probably capitalize.

Striker: Not many Imps start businesses on their own. That's pretty impressive, sir.

Blitzo: Oh...! Yeah? It is-- I- I- I guess- I guess it is, isn't it?

The two of them shake hands like gentlemanly gentlemen.

Striker: So you even conned that ditzy blueblood into gettin' you to the surface?

Blitzø: Well, it's long and complicated, but the short answer is yes. But he's not like, you know-- W- We're y- We're not, like... We're not doing it... We w- What's betw- It's a...

Y/N: Basically a transactional fucking.

Blitzø: Yeah, what he said!

Joe: Y'know, you boys should enter the pain games!

We all make our way over to Joe.

Blitzø: I heard games! What games? I'm in!

Y/N: I heard pain.

Lin: Every harvest festival, there's a competition to be the roughest, toughest bastard in Wrath!

Millie crosses her arms like a child would.

Millie: Yeah! Wish I could play!

Lin: Millie, you know you get too carried away. The last competition ended in fifteen separate funerals.

Millie: I'm aware, but I only caused nine of them! How come Sallie May still gets to compete?

Millie pout-wait did she say only nine of them? That's oddly concerning....and who the fuck is Sallie May?

Lin: Your sister doesn't have a neighborhood head count.

Millie: She so does!

The alleged Sallie May walks past everyone with her brother carrying a corpse and MY LORD THAT ASS!

Wait why are her horns like that? Millie, Lin, and every other Imp woman I've seen have thin white rings. Her horns look Moxxie and Striker's. Eh, I'll ask Mills about it later.

Sallie May: It doesn't count if they don't find the bodyyyyyy!

Y/N: She is so my spirit animal.

Lin: Still, you get to root for her and your brothers, and now you can cheer on your boss and boyfriend!

Moxxie puts a hand on Lin's shoulder. Oh boy, this won't end well.

Moxxie: Y'know, she can also cheer for me.

Joe just bursts out the laughing and slaps his knee. When he realized Moxxie was serious, he looked confused as fuck.

Joe: Wait you?

Lin elbows him hard in the side, making him tear up in pain as he walks to Joe. Poor guy.

Joe: Sorry, boy. But, I don't think sensitive, thespian types would last very long in the games.

Moxxie: I was born here, too! I have some fight in me!

Striker puts a hand on Moxxie's shoulder, surprising him.

Striker: Huh. Well then, little fella... Why don'tcha help me wrangle one o' them hogs for dinner?

Striker points to one of the pens where a giant pig was sleeping in. Not gonna lie, it took a lot of willpower to not just jump in there and eat the damn thing my damn self. It looks tasty as fuck if you throw it on the grill with some seasonings. Ugh, Big Backtivities. 

Moxxie: Simple. Watch me!

Striker: Nah... with these.

Striker grins and hands Moxxie a dagger and rope.

Strike: Bullets can't pierce the shell. You gotta get the knife underneath and pry yourself an openin'.

Moxxie: Oh! Right, right. I knew that.

Blitzø leans in toward Moxxie and grabs his shoulders.

Blitzø: Now, just remember, your rep with the in-laws is on the line here! So, no pressure at all, you totally will not make an ass of yourself in front of everyone important in your life. Go get 'em, tiger.

Blitzø shoves a nervous Moxxie near Millie, who tries to convince him otherwise.

Millie: Mox, you don't need to do this!

Blitzø: Oh, he totally does. KICK ITS ASS, MOXXIE! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Millie: Y/N, please talk some sense into him!

Y/N:...my name is Bennett and I ain't in it.

Moxxie creeps towards the sleeping Hellhog before jumping on its back and choking it with a rope. As the Hellhog rears, Moxxie stabs it but its hide is too thick. Enraged, the Hellhog bucks around the pen to throw Moxxie off.

Blitzø: FUCK yeah, Moxxie! Ride it, Moxxie! Make it that bitch you won't call back in the morning!

Loona was recording the whole thing with an amused smirk.

Loona: This is fucking beautiful.

Blitzø: Doin' great, Moxxie! *whispers to Loona* Send me that video later.

Y/N: Same here.

Loona: I'm sending it to The Pack.

Y/N: Bet.

Millie: Y/N, help him!

Y/N: Alright alright.

I wait a little bit before transforming into my Wolf form and jumping over the fence. I scoop up Moxxie and fling him out of the way before fighting the Hellhog. It was easy as fuck and I tore his head off and held it up in victory after transforming into my normal form. Everyone claps with some of them whistling. Moxxie tries to get up, but he felt a pain in his neck area.

Moxxie: Ow... My clavicle!

Y/N: Sorry Mox, I got a little carried away.

I walk to a proud Joe and amazed Striker.

Y/N: We skinning this thing or what? Also can I keep the head? I wanna get it stuffed.

Joe: You sure can, that was some top quality slaughterin' boy!

Striker: Didn't think a city slicker like you could do it, congratulations. Hey, boss man! You wanna help the men skin this thing for dinner?

Blitzø: Oh, I am always down to skin the manly meat with the manly men!

Loona and Y/N: That's what she said!/Ha! That's what she said! 

Blitzø: What "who said"? Wait, what bitch is talking shit about me?!

Me and Loona laugh and giggle as everyone walks into the house. I hope Moxxie's fine, he's a sensitive little thing. 

Timeskip
We were all at the Pain Games stage where the guy Wally Wackford was giving a speech.

Wally Wackford: Welcome, I say-a, welcome-a... all to Wrath-a Ring's-a annual-a Harvest-a Moon-a... a-Festival! To kick things up, we have the great prince Stolas-a, here to usher in this here Pain Games!

Ugh that "-uh" sound gets annoying pretty fast. Stolas appears from his shaded tent and kindly takes the microphone from Wally with a chuckle. Finally!

Stolas: How kind, Wackford. Greetings, tiny... Wrath Ring Imps! I hereby welcome you all to another year of celebrating the spoils of your labor that continue to feed the citizens of Hell! I'm happy to kick off the start of these games that will challenge the toughest Imps to show their skill in dominance. Good luck to you all! Especially that sexy little one there... Yoo-hoo! Blitzy!

Stolas waves at Blitzø, making him glare and groan and me chuckle. We all get to the starting line before the pistol sounds, making all of us run to the obstacle course. As I expected, Moxxie got trampled by the other Imps. The first obstacle was a wooden ramp in a pit of mud. Me being who I am, I ran on all fours and almost cleared it but fell short at the top. Luckily, I was able to grab on and jump to the bottom, where I did a roll and kept running. 

The second event was rope usage. That was pretty hard for me considering the only tying I've ever done was bondage. Surprisingly, I won by hogtying this one Imp pretty easily.

Now the third event was hella easy. It was a tug of war with 3 people on each team. Sadly, I had to be by myself, so I just turned into a wolf and won that way. Nobody was mad funnily enough. They actually liked doing a tug-of-war against a beast.

The last event was mud wrestling.....I sent a couple of people to the hospital while Moxxie got dog-piled by 4 Imps and bodyslammed by a fucking shark.

Timeskip
After the whole event, we all made it back to the stage for Wally Wackford to announce the winners.

Wally Wackford: I say, I say, for the first year ever, we have a tie for winner of the Harvest Moon Pain Games!

Once again, Stolas takes the microphone from him.

Stolas: The winners are... Striker, my puppy Y/N, aaaaand my darling Blitzy!

Blitzø: Just say my name RIGHT! Fuckin' dick.

I chuckled as Blitzø and I walked onto the stage. Striker clears his throat as he grabs a guitar.

Striker: I'd like to take this opportunity to sing a quick song I wrote just now, about me winnin'.

https://youtu.be/QUw-2oaZLKg

Poor Moxxie tried to keep it together. Look I'm all for insulting the boys, but that's as long as it comes from a place of love. Striker was just being an asshole.

As soon as Striker finished, I stepped up.

Wally: And now, I say, and now, give a warm congratulations for the first non-Imp to be the roughest, toughest bastard in Wrath!

Everyone cheers for me and even throws their hats into the air. Some chick even threw her panties at me, which I dodged. Wally Wackford came and put a buckle on my belt, a fucking cool one might I add. 

Y/N: I didn't expect you all to jump for joy at me winning. Y'all mind if I sing a song?

They cheered again, making me smirk and perform my little piece.

https://youtu.be/63cBomG4bXY

Gotta thank Stolas for that clone sorcery shit he did on me.

Timeskip
I was helping Millie's family load pumpkins onto a truck. I don't mind doing farm work, or any kind of manual labor for that matter. When I was with the cult, it was worship and school day in and day out. No time for actual play, no time for leisure, no nothing. I found solace in doing manual labor, even simple things like picking up sticks for our daily bonfires, because it gave me something else to do all day. I used to whistle, hum, play with animals, and just bask in nature whenever I did work.

Joe: You sure you were born in the city? You're as strong as an ox!

Y/N: I was raised in a small town with open space, so that had something to do with it.

Lin: Millie should've married you, you're a strapping young buck. Maybe you could marry Sallie-

Lin suddenly cut herself off. Out the corner of my eye, I see Joe to a neck cutting motion as in be quiet. Not like he wants her to keep an embarrassing secret, but more like he's afraid of something. It...must be about Sallie May.

Y/N: If y'all don't mind, I'm gonna put my buckle in my suitcase so I don't lose it.

They nodded and I walked away. Using my Hellhound senses, I smelled around until I smelled a different scent, one that was another Imp that I didn't smell today. I followed it and found Sallie May killing some random guy and hiding the body.

Y/N: You really do take that hide the body thing seriously, huh?

Surprised, Sallie turned around to see me. She giggled as I helped her dig a hole.

Sallie: My head count is more than Millie's, but they won't know if there's no body~.

Y/N: Amen to that sister. I had to do this so much that I made an overcomplicated method to hide bodies. Took them a year to find the parts of a kingpin I killed because his parts were every fucking where. They still can't find some because I ground them up and fed them to wild animals.

Sallie: Damn you just get hotter by the minute. I can just pounce on you here and ride you like a bucking bronco~.....

Y/N: I sense a but coming-

Sallie: But....I don't think you'd want someone like me....

Y/N: Is it because you're Trans?

Sallie's eyes go wide.

Sallie: Y-you knew?

Y/N: Well your voice is pretty deep, like a southern accent deep. Oh, there's also your horns.

Sallie: You're not weirded out? Most people don't like anything dealing with Transgenders...

Y/N: Ok, let me ask you this: Do you force being Trans down other people's throats?

Sallie: Wha-no!

Y/N: Do you go around telling kids that haven't even gone through puberty they don't have to identify as the gender they were born with?

Sallie: No!

Y/N: Are you narcissistic?

Sallie: I....don't think so?

Y/N: I can tell you aren't. Do you call someone transphobic for just not liking something you do?

Sallie: No.

Y/N: Would you be mad if someone was indifferent to you being Trans? As in not having an opinion on it?

Sallie: Well...as long as they ain't an asshole I don't care.

Y/N: I'm asking you this because this is what people in the Human world deal with. Every Trans person isn't bad like every Black person isn't a criminal, every Middle Eastern person isn't a terrorist, every Japanese person isn't a weeb, and every Jamaican person doesn't go around yelling "bombaclot" like it's no tomorrow. But you have Liberals that agree with anything people see as weird, like Neopronouns or kids going to Pride parades in big cities, and say not agreeing with it makes you a bigot. The problem most people have with Trans people isn't that they don't like them, they don't like the things many of them do.

Sallie: Well....what do you think? About Trans people as a whole?

Y/N: Firstly, I feel like people who are transGENDER should seek professional help to see if this is what they really want. Secondly, I don't respect gender fluidity because to me that's just changing your gender whenever it suits you best. Thirdly, I just don't accept most things beyond the T in the current acronym because it starts to make zero sense. Fourthly, that whole neopronouns thing that began with they/them makes no sense either. And that's not religion being pushed on me my whole life, it's out of logic. So Sallie, if you feel like you're happier as a girl and you REALLY want this, be happy. I mean, you're still cute so-

I get cut off by Sallie hugging me as tight as she can. I was surprised, but hugged back. She seemed like she needed one.

Sallie: My family accepted me, I'm grateful, but this voice in the back of my head always told me I was weird. That everyone would see me as a freak.

Y/N: Sallie, this is Hell, EVERYONE is a freak in their own way.

Sallie: Even you?

Y/N: Yes, even me. Did I ever tell you about the time I raped a rapist?

Sallie giggled.

Sallie: What? No way.

Y/N: Yes way. He tried to rape some woman, thought I was gonna help him, and got a pain in the ass.

Sallie gives me a kiss on the cheek.

Sallie: Since you made me feel better, why don't I show you why I'm not your normal farmer's daughter~?

Suddenly, I hear a whistle, making my instincts go crazy.

Y/N: Later, I gotta do something.

Before she could respond, I got on all fours and went to the whistle.

3rd pov
Striker looks unamused at Blitzø.

Striker: You dumb fucks lost the upper hand and now you're whistling. What, you calling a dog?

Y/N bursts through the door and growls.

Y/N: ARF BITCH!

Blitzø: That's it, sick em' boy!

Striker shot a charging Y/N in the leg, but he pressed on. He shot him again in the stomach and shoulder, but Y/N bit the rifle and yanked it out of his hands before throwing it. He punched Striker, making him bleed before headbutting him. Striker dodged another punch and punched Y/N in the gut, making him recoil from being hit in his bullet wound. Y/N grabs Striker by the tail and slammed him into the wall before kicking his shin, making him yell in anger. Before he could react, Y/N held him at gunpoint with BALROG I. Blitzø did the same with his trademark flintlock.

Striker: I still think it's embarrassing. You're wastin' a lot of potential relyin' on a weak little--

Moxxie and Y/N fired warning shots at Striker, interrupting him mid-sentence.

Moxxie: You gonna finish that fucking sentence... pard'ner?

Y/N: Or will we have to put a buckshot in your panties?

Striker smirked devilishly.

Striker: Vermin.

Moxxie: Who's weak now, BITCH--?!

Moxxie gets slammed by the door as Loona kicks it open to enter the room.

Loona: 'Kay, I'm here.

Using the distraction, Striker kicked Blitzø's gun out his hand before driving a knife into Y/N's side before heading to an open window.

Striker: Maybe you'll get me next time... Blitzy.

Striker escaped, but not before Y/N shot him in the thigh and collapsed from the pain and fading adrenaline.

Y/N: Fuck...

The next day, everyone was packing up to leave. As Millie was tended to by her parents, Loona applied some clean bandages to Y/N.

Lin: I can't believe you let him trap you, Millie! Haven't we taught you better?

Millie: I was seein' red, Ma! And he was slippery!

Lin: Excuses! You're better than that, Mildred!

A crossed Moxxie slammed the trunk and marched to Lin and Joe.

Moxxie: Y'know, she protected me. And maybe I'm not a strong beefy dickhead, [normal voice] but Millie has the strength enough for both of us! You two are getting on her case about being hurt by a psychopath you hired?! Shaaaaame on you!

Blitzø: Aw, Moxxie, look at you! Speechin' like a big boy with his big paaaants!

Y/N: Yeah, stand on business Mox! Hehe....ow, it hurts to laugh.

Joe glared at Moxxie before giving a curt nod and walking away.

Millie: Wooow! He nodded! He's never acknowledged your input before!

Millie stands up on crutches and walks away.

Moxxie: Soooo, is that progress?

Y/N chuckles.

Y/N: Yeah, progress buddy.

Y/N goes to leave, but is stopped by Lin.

Lin: It was great meeting you young man, make sure you visit now...

Lin give him a kiss before whispering in his ear.

Lin: Because mama wants a taste of that prized young beef and you owe Sallie a ride on that bucking bronco~.

She cupped his crotch and walked away, swaying his hips so her ass jiggled even more.

Y/N:.....I fucking love the Wrath ring!

(A/N: Now before you all try to flame me for being "Transphobic" or whatever, actually think about what he said for a second. Just because someone doesn't accept delusion, because that's what it's turning into now, doesn't make them any of these phobias. If you're being walked like a dog while wearing a gimp suit and try to talk to someone's 7 year old kid, you can't get mad when their parents tell them to stay away from people like you. That's not any "phobia", that's parents protecting their kids from being influenced because kids are fucking STUPID)