Scene opens on a meeting of S.U.C.K. The Sexy Undercover Contract Killers

Verosika: Alright. Now, I know business has been... a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here...Josh.

Josh gives her an incredulous look in response.

Verosika: Now, does anyone have any ideas on how we can get business drumming up again.

Ace: *eyes sparkling* What about a car wash?

Verosika: This is Hell, Ace, no one cares about cars being clean here! Oh, what about a billboard?

Josh: We can't afford a billboard, ma'am.

Verosika: (sarcastic) Helpful, Josh, (shoves him away) Really glad you're in the room right now. (regular) Have you all forgotten what kind of service we provide?

Verosika turns on the TV, showing footage of her slitting someone's throat with her heel, Josh snapping someone's neck, Tex biting into a victim's neck and chewing on a bone, and Ace decapitating someone before laughing.

Zoom out to show everyone eating popcorn.

Verosika: Ah, those were the days.

Josh: I don't need any reminding, ma'am. Considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel... nobody watches.

Verosika: Uh, hey. Excuse me? What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spouting nonsense.

Ace: People love musicals, ma'am.

Verosika: Exactly, Ace! And we're basically putting on a musical. (to Ace) Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my mom did?

Josh: Ma'am-

Verosika: 'Cause, right now? All I see is just my mom's cunt talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.

Ace: Are you trying to crush her dreams, Josh?

Josh: I- what?

Ace: (flirtatious) I thought I knew you.

Josh blushes and rolls his eyes affectionately.

Verosika: I can't believe you, Josh! (tearfully holds up plaque) After I made you employee of the month!

Josh: *defeated* Okay, ma'am! I'm sorry; a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingle!

Ace: I liked it.

Josh: Do not...do not agree with her in front of me.

Cut to a commercial.

https://youtu.be/fLVQ2LVN1tA

Verosika: Hi, I'm Verosika, and I'm the founder of S.U.C.K. Are you a piece of shit that got yourself sent to Hell, or are you an innocent Angel that got FUCKED over by someone else?

Ohio Demon: After lovingly killing my wife for (in demonic voice) fucking the delivery man, (normal voice) you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could stick it to that *in demonic voice* yappy jogger *normal voice* who saw me hiding the body!

Verosika: Well, luckily for you. Thanks to our company's special access to the living world, we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive! *falls backwards into the portal*

Jingle;

When you want somebody gone, and you don't wanna wait too long, call the Sexy Undercover Contract Killers!

Hand grenade or cyanide, we'll make it look like suicide, the Sexy Undercover Contract Killers! 

We do our job so well, because we come straight out of Hell!

We'll kill your husband or our wife, we'll ever let you keep the knife, the Sexy Undercover Contract Killers!

Josh accidentally shoots a child.

Cuts to a hospital operating room. The boy is wheeled in on a hospital bed by a doctor, a pink-haired nurse, and a blue-haired nurse.

Pink-haired Nurse: (in masculine voice) Doctor, he's not responding!

Blue-haired Nurse: Cool water, stat!

The pink-haired nurse whacks the boy in the face with a bucket of water, doing nothing but leave a large welt on his face.

Blue-haired Nurse: It didn't do anything!

The boys tongue flops down from his mouth.

Doctor: Dammit! I'm not losing another one.

Everyone has their defibrillator paddles over the boy.

Doctor: CLEAR!

They all zap the boy and he wakes up.

Eddie: (gasps)

Doctor: Holy shit! It actually worked.

Verosika, Ace, and Josh are waiting outside the boy's hospital room in their human disguises. Verosika is looking at social media, while Ace comforts Josh, who looks devastated. The doctor comes out of the room with a clipboard.

Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. (looks up from clipboard) Now, what insurance provider do you freaks have?

Verosika: Uhh...(nervous laugh) what's insurance?

A shot of the outside of the hospital is shown, as a window breaks and the boy's hospital bed flies out. The boy is unconscious in the bed, while Ace, Josh and Verosika are holding on for dear life as they plummet screaming to the ground. The bed is stopped by a rope that has become tangled around Verosika's foot. Blitzo slams her face into the bed, the rope snaps, and they all continue to fall.

A still shot of the S.U.C.K. logo is shown.

Singer: ♫ Kids die for freeeeeee! ♫

The scene cuts back to the boardroom. Ace and Josh are sitting across from Vortex, who has his feet up and is watching a video on his phone of Josh getting hurt.

Josh: I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Vortex's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple.

Tex: (not looking up) Oh, sit on a dick, Josh.

Josh YOU sit! Sit on... a... and the... d-- DO YOUR JOB!!

Verosika: Hey, now. We don't blame our screwups on Vortex, okay?!

She hugs and nuzzles Tex.

Verosika: He didn't do anything wrooooong~

Josh: ...Are you kidding me, ma'am? He's awful!

The scene cuts to a flashback of Vortex at his desk, reading a magazine called "Gigachad Monthly". His desk phone rings with the sound of a cute puppy barking as the ringtone. He answers.

Tex: (not looking up) Hello, S.U.C.K.

Ace: (on phone, panicked) Vortex, I got stabbed! Call Jo--

Vortex suddenly hangs up, disinterested in the conversation. Next, he is in Verosika's office as she presents him with a gift.

Verosika: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Tessie! I got you a little somethin'.

Tex: Is it a cure for STIs?

Verosika: I... Oh...

Vortex smashes it on the ground.

Tex: Then I don't want it!

A large swarm of spiders suddenly emerge from the present box and swarm Vortex up to her neck.

Verosika: (suddenly hiding outside of the office window) I'm sorry! It was spiders!

Tex: (annoyed, deadpan) Goddammit.

Cut to Vortex at his desk, watching a video of Adam performing. Josh approaches him holding a flier for Viagra.

Josh: Excuse me? Did you just fax me an ad for boner pills?

Tex: No.

Josh: Why would anyone send me this?

Tex: Come on. You know why.

Cut to Tex rummaging in the break room fridge.

Tex: Whoever left the fucking... avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst hangover right now!

He starts drinking it.

Ace: Why would you drink on a work night?

Tex: (stops drinking) I'm hungover from this morning, asshole!

Josh: Isn't that my lunch?

Tex: (drops the box on the floor) Y'know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some-

He kicks the box at Josh, knocking him out of the room and surprising Ace.

Tex: -fucking steam!

Tex runs out of the break room and out into the street.

Tex: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Tex punts a baby carriage, sending it flying off into the distance.

The scene cuts to Tex at his desk, telling Verosika about a caller.

Tex: Verosika, that clingy rich bitch is on the line, says it's important and wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTF-y

Cut to Verosika and Josh by the water cooler.

Verosika: Oh, god! It was one time! Because I never got an Asmodeon Crystal, I had one hook-up with that horny owl, and now she never leaves me alone!

Josh: ...You what?

Cut to a 22-year old Octavia hoot-snoring in bed.

A/N: Art belongs to K0raKumori on deviantart and twitter.

Verosika walks away from the bed half-clothed and holding the Grimoire.

Verosika: (to herself) Got the book, got the book, got this fucking heavy book.

Verosika reaches Octavia's' balcony and lays the grimoire on the ledge. Grunting, she attempts to step up on the ledge using the grimoire. Instead, the combined weight sends both her and the grimoire falling forward off of the balcony.

Verosika: Oh- oh, MOTHERFUCKER!

She lands on a cake in front of Stella and her friends.

Verosika: Sorry, I fucked your daughter.

The scene cuts back to Vortex at his desk.

Tex: VEROSIKA!

Verosika: I HEARD YOU ALREA-

Scene cuts to Verosika in her office, talking on the phone.

Verosika: So, what can I do you for this time, Octavia?

Octavia: There's a district attorney up on earth who's causing trouble for a few of my family's associates. He's prosecuting criminals and making sure they get convicted.

Verosika: Isn't that that they're supposed to do?

Octavia: Well, yes, but more people die if the scum of the world never get the proper punishment for their crimes. And it gets lonely here.

Verosika: Ok, well, that makes sense.

Octavia: (through phone) You know what happens when I'm lonely, Vee-Vee?

Verosika: (under her breath) Oh, Beelzebub-fuckin'-damn-it

Octavia: When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that pink {bleeped) of yours... {bleeped) your {bleeped) and lick all of your (bleeped), before taking out your (bleeped), and (bleeped) with more teeth until you're screaming (bleeped) like a FUCKING baby--!

A visibly disturbed Verosika hangs up, snaps her phone in half, smashes the halves with a blender, blends the bits, and pours them in a glass that she gives to Tex.

Verosika: Drink this.

He does so.

Verosika: And you know that bridge over the freeway?

Tex: Yeah?

Verosika: Piss off it!

The flashback ends and Verosika is standing by Tex.

Verosika: Look, the point is, Vortex is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.

Tex looks up from his phone and briefly smiles, touched by Verosika's words.

Josh: We aren't a family, ma'am! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat him like he's some troubled teenager! He's more like a meth-addicted homeless man you let man the phones!

Vortex slowly raises his hand, flipping off Josh.

Verosika: That is offensive! Without homeless people, (walks over to window and raises blinds) I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!

Verosika puts her face up against the window, cracking the glass, and sees a homeless demon, looking sad and holding up a sign that reads "Monee helps. Satan bless." A succubus is on her cellphone and turns away from the hobo. Verosika smugly waves at him, before lowering the window blinds.

Josh: While we're on the subject of "family", can you stop finding me and Ace outside of work? 

Ace: Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal! 

Josh: Excuse me...WHAT?!

The scene cuts to a flashback of Josh and Ace preparing dinner in their kitchen.

Josh: Honey, can you get me the butter?

Ace: Sure, sweetie.

Ace opens the fridge door and finds Verosika inside as she hands him the gross, viscous butter.

Verosika: Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled!

Ace: (giggles)

Josh: What's funny, honey?

Verosika: Really impressive wordplay.

Josh: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!?!

Later that evening, shows a building, Inside their Josh and Ace are asleep in bed. The former is tossing and turning as the sound of a cat purring can be heard. Josh opens his eyes and sees Verosika standing on him, looking him right in the eyes.

Verosika: Whatcha dreamin' about?

Josh: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered, but now... I'd like to go back to that.

Cut to Josh and Ace singing.

Josh: ♫ Of all the sex demons in Hell, it's for him that I fell ♫

Ace (joins in): *harmonizing* ♫ It's for him that I fell ♫

Josh: ♫ Oh, Ace-y~ ♫

They close their eyes to kiss, but Josh notices Verosika outside the window holding a camcorder.

Josh: Are you fucking filming us right now?!

The flashback ends as we cut back to the board room.

Josh: Just... stop... doing that!

Verosika: (shrugs) I don't see what the issue is! There somethin' you don't want me seein'?

Josh: *eye twitches in anger* No!

Verosika: You a baby-wiener-haver? (Tex snickers)

Josh: Ma'am, what you say and how you act is totally *stands up from his chair* INAPPROPRIATE!

Ace: *lays his hand on Josh's shoulder* Calm down, Josh! You're gonna have another panic attack!

Josh: I AM CALM!

Josh starts whimpering in anger while looking back at Verosika.

Ace: *comforting Josh* Shh-shh-shh. There, there.

Verosika: Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff *motions her hands to imply sexual activity* you do outside work hours. So, don't... judge me!

Josh: Oh, I do judge you, ma'am! Quite a lot, actually!

Ace: Josh, she's our boss!

Verosika: No-no-no, it's fine Ace, your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive? ...Retarded.

Josh: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?

Verosika:  It actually does.

Tex: The only reason you have a husband is because you're easy to manage.

Ace: (slams hands on table) No, he's not, you CUCK!

Tex growls at Ace as he flips him off with both hands.

Verosika: Do NOT talk to my adoptive son that way! He's sensitive!

Tex: (snaps at Ace) Yes, I am!

Eddie: (offscreen) You guys are all fucking assholes.

They all turn to him. He is lying on a table with medical equipment attached to him.

Verosika: Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!

Josh: (pinches bridge of his nose*)Ugh, this company is such a mess!

Verosika: Alright, let's get back to talking about my outfit.

Tex: Nobody was talking about that!

Verosika: Which is why I'm tryin' to get that ball rolling. So, how does it look? It's sexy as fuck, right?

Eddie: It's been a literal hell  having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me! But, now I want that. I want death!

He points to Verosika.

Eddie: You are a selfish, greedy slut. And I'm a close to puberty! We're supposed to like sluts! Even the creepy ones!

Josh: Hey, now! That's not very--

Eddie interrupts Josh, intimidating him.

Eddie: If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit.

Ace: That's my husband you're talkin' to!

Eddie: *laughs* That's your husband?!

The two of them snarl at Eddie.

Eddie: I figured you for a himbo. But, I didn't know you needed dick that bad!(points at Tex) And you!

Tex: What? *looks up from his phone* What about me?

Eddie: Nothing. *crosses arms* I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person.

Tex gives a wide-eyed glare, whines at Eddie with anger, and goes back to looking at his phone.

Verosika: Wow. Ah, y'know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.

Everyone, in unison: *softly* Yeah. He's kind of a piece of shit.

Tex's eyes widen as he receives a text message.

Tex: Oh, fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all.

Verosika: Who?

Tex: *points at Eddie* Him.

Eddie: (in disbelief) Me?

Tex: *smugly, without looking up* Yup.

Verosika: They wanted us to kill an actual child?

Tex: That's what they're sayin'.

Verosika: ...Well, Christ on a stick. I guess there is a God.

She pulls out a crossbow and shoots Eddie.

Eddie: OWWWW! 

blood covers the screen, then reveals Verosika and Josh kicking Eddie's corpse, Ace stabbing him, and Tex recording everything on his phone.

Verosika: (voiceover) Y'know, folks? With this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people! So, from us here at the Sexy Undercover Contract Killers group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's Hell and no one fuckin' cares.

She hugs her employees with her tail.

Verosika: Y'know, even though this kid was a target... he's still a child. And it's important that *wraps her tail lovingly around the group* we handle this going forward respectfully.

The group all smile as the scene cuts to a newscast, showing Eddie's mother tearfully holding up a bad drawing of her son. A male news reporter holds a microphone up to her, looking disinterested. The headline on screen says, "Mom sucks at drawing own kid", while the ticker bar constantly reads "There is a missing boy! Yet another missing kid!".

Eddie's mother: *sobbing* Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at-- [Eddie's bloody body bag suddenly falls into her arms.] *terrified* OHHH!

Eddie's mother and the news reporter look up in shock as the camera follows their gaze. Verosika, Josh, and Ace are shown looking down on them through a portal.

Verosika: *smiles and waves* You're welcome!

The trio disappear in the portal as it closes.

End of chapter.