March - 2017
Sunday - 3:00 a.m

Dear Diary,

Hello. It's me.
I am 19 now.
It's been quite a few tough years back.
Yes, maybe there's a difference in the 16-year-old Elora and the present one.

I have stopped expecting anything from anyone now. The younger me had some hope. If not in people, but she did have hope in her own self. Now, she does not.
She has lost it all...

I've been fucked up.
My life's been fucked up.
It's really difficult to get through this.
Whatever I have gotten myself into, it's taking a toll on me.
It's destroying me. From within.

When I reached the last year of my highschool, I got tangled up in some bad company of 'friends' .
I was so desperate in the attempt to have a friend circle that I didn't realise, I was walking down the wrong lane.

I was introduced into a shitty group of druggie kids by a girl. She was in my literature class. That group did drugs and smuggled some packets away after classes.

In the starting, I thought it was cool.
Naturally, to a aloof staying girl, things which people don't normally do will obviously seem cool. Such was the case with me.

My journey in this phase started last month.

My first was Flakka. They said it's similar to the bath salts. I snorted one thin line of it as a starter. It was really an unforgettable experience. I coughed for quite sometime after the first inhale. But once it started, then it all felt light.
It felt like I was in a complete different world. My emotions, my thoughts, it all started fading.

And it was how I got addicted to it.
This was how I started craving for that feeling. That one feeling.
The feeling when I felt that no one matters. It was a feeling which made you escape the world. And honestly, for me, I would do anything to escape it all. Maybe I am overdoing it all, but I really don't want anything more than letting it all go for a few ecstatic moments.

Then began my next phases of this journey. I kept falling deeper and deeper into this abyss. I kept going back to them for more and more.
My parents weren't aware of my conditions or whereabouts.
I had money. No one cared where I spent it. Hence, I finally fell all the way in. A point of no-return.

I knew it was wrong.
I knew this would be the result.
I knew I couldn't back out if I did it.
I knew every consequences.
But still, I did it.
This is called being aware of your own demise and doing nothing to prevent it from happening.

After some while, they started trusting me with their parcels.
They gave me a parcel every Friday after class, and I was expected to deliver it at the Boston street, near the headlights. To the driver of the black mini-van parked there every week.

I started going into frat parties with them. Snorting heroin and cocaines.
Smoking many cigarettes a day. Drinking till I slept. Whoring around those parties. I never gave a fuck about where I spent my night. Whose bed I was warming or who was sleeping beside me.

Those days were spent in my oblivious haven. Throughout the day, except the class timings, either someone could find me doing drugs in a corner or smuggling those with a cigarette always between my lips. Such was my condition.

It didn't last long though. As I said, it was a month. The whole February.
I was soon suspected by my 'financial supporters' when they saw numerous transactions happening through their cards on a frequent basis.

And that suspicion was as expected, finally confirmed as truth when they received a call from the police, to bail me out of the cell.

Now, imagine.
One of the well known and successful lawyers of the city, being called to the police station, to bail her daughter out, as because her precious daughter was caught with a parcel of dangerous drugs with her.
What a joy.

Nevertheless, my parents weren't the kind to leave me be just so I could learn a lesson. Quite opposite, they bailed me out even before the media and newspapers could get any wind of a news that could potentially ruin their 'family authority'.

I was then called upon for the ever-so-famous 'explain-session'.
I was never a person who lied.
Not even when I was high on drugs.
I told them everything. From start to finish. Every single detail.

Stupid? I know.

As expected, they gave me the 'I-am-disappointed-with-you' speech.
Soon, I was signed up for rehabilitation centre. No. Don't even think it was because they cared about me. It was purely out of concern for their pride and status.
No one would like it if they get to hear about their daughter's druggie habits from the society now. Would they?

It was very difficult in the start.
I was very deep into this. Off course it was very painful and seemed impossible.
I was tied up to a chair for days and they kept on pouring water on me.
Then I was injected with numerous medicines and kept unconscious for hours just so that I don't ask for drugs. I tried bribing the inspector here, but they were too idiotic to refuse half a million for my freedom.

I spent nights unable to sleep until I smoked a cigarette. It had became an addiction. I was exhausted without reason the whole day. I kept crying without any reason. They almost thought I went crazy at some point.
It was a dark phase of ny life.
I was then sent into therapy sessions.

It's been 25 days now. I am stable.
Not completely recovered, but the therapist said I could do better than this.

I had to have faith in myself.
That shit made me crackle up.
Faith? In myself?
Some real good humour she has.

She asks me to keep faith, someone who has been nothing but a disappointment to people around her and herself.
She said I was using drugs since one month, so I still had a good amount of chances to redeem. I think no one told her the quantity I snorted.

It's so amusing.
So much suffering, so much pain and so much injustice around us, but still people have hope. They have hope that it will all be better at last.
How can it be? I don't get it.

I don't know what lies next for me.
I don't know what's in my cards now.
I don't know if I'll ever be out of this rehabilitation centre or not.
I don't know what will my next step be.

Something that I know, is that it was very stupid of me to get myself into this all. It was never cool from the beginning.
But as they say, one never learns to walk properly unless it hits an obstacle and falls face-wards.

This was my wake up call.
This was a phase which made me realise that there are some things in life, which will come to us as a temptation or distraction. What we have to do, is resist it. Choose the right lane, and don't regret it later.
It's true, Life is too short to have regrets.

Yours Only
Elora.