12th February 2015
Thursday - 7:37 p.m

Dear Diary,

Hello. It's me.
I couldn't write you after the first entry. Maybe I know I can't be consistent on this decision of mine too?
I was busy arranging my life. You would think, what possibly could be the meaning behind 'arranging my life', especially coming from a teen who has barely started experiencing the mood swings of her puberty.

Life never thinks about your age before it serves you lemons. Accept it or not, you know it's true.

Deep down, everyone has experienced some situations where they were pushed to their limits.

You know, there's a thing they say -
"No one knows what they are capable of unless forced out of their comfort zones."

I never understood the motive behind this quote. Until last week.
I was forced out of my comfort zone and the shell that I had unknowingly trapped myself in.

Life and fate never plays fair.

It was a sunny day, I was on the swing in the courtyard, reading the infamous Pride And Prejudice again, when I was called in saying that my parents were expecting me in the study.
I didn't think anymore of it and followed the maid to the study room.

That was when I was informed that my aunt was no more. She couldn't defeat the illness she was suffering, since the last few years. Finally, she attained her peace. Leaving us all behind to grieve over her demise.

My uncle was the most affected by the news. Or, I can say that everyone was affected the most in their own way.
She had that happy and cheery personality, pleasing everyone.
The smile which gave a sense of contentment to every person who saw it.
She had a special bond with me.
She was with me through all those times when even my own parents weren't there to help me.
She never said 'no' for anything. No matter how demanding I became.

I had last met her 4 months ago.
I never knew, that was the last I was going to meet her. Touch her. Hug her.

Somehow, everyone knew she wasn't going to make it. But, hoping for something is not a crime afterall. No matter even if you know that the thing you are hoping for is not going to be fulfilled.

I was in my own world for a few days.
It was like, I was snatched away from my oblivious haven and brought back to the reality. The present. The life we all live.
The reality of life which everyone has to face. At some point, I even began wondering if the perished her can be brought back to life. But, it couldn't be.

I realised what I lost only when I saw her at the church.

In the wooden coffin.

With her eyes closed.

Like she was in a deep slumber.

She actually was. In a deep slumber. A slumber from which no one could wake her up now. No on had the ability to do it. This slumber was one which she will remain in, until her corpse loses it's recognition ability. Until her beauty withers away and mixes with the humus.

A person grieves the most when he or she realises that something or someone dear to him or her is lost. Forever gone.

The memorial was a simple one. Apparently, she had mentioned it in her last will that she only wants her close friends and relatives to be there.

Look at the conspiracy of the world.
So many relatives, so many friends, so many materialistic happiness and success, so much wealth, so many glorifying deeds. But, nothing among these could accompany you to your afterlife. And still, we insist on achieving them. A person spends all his life working harder and harder to earn every possible dime he can.
But see, none of it is worth at the last.

I recall I had read somewhere that, people light up lanterns and let it float in the sky. Japanese lanterns are a symbol of letting go of your past.

But, the truth is, if lightning a candle and letting it float through the sky was going to help the situation, then wouldn't the NASA print pictures of the sky full of lanterns everyday? Stupid people.

{'It makes them feel better.'
So what? For how long? A minute? A day? What difference does it make?
Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be.}

This was a quote, Damon Salvatore said. And I feel it now.

Whenever you see their photos, the first thing to occur in your mind is always - 'will I ever have a chance to live that moment with them again?'
Well, you wouldn't.

You regret not spending more time with them when it was possible.
You regret not giving them more reasons to smile when you still had the chance.
You regret not being able to make more memories when they were with you.
You regret every second you stayed angry with them.
You regret that you lost all the chances to make it happen now.

I never said anything till the memorial was done. The people expressed their sympathies to each other. We buried her near her parent's graves. She would want that. I smiled recalling the moment she had consoled me at nights when I had nightmares that she was there. She is with me. She would never leave me alone. My smile dissipated.
She broke her promise. She left me.

No one would console me like she used to.
No one would watch silly cartoons with me on rainy weekends.
No one would teach me to make pastries now.
No one would sing along with me while I do my homework.
No one could make me feel safer in their embrace like she used to.

I wouldn't be able to see or hug her anymore. That is something which pierces my heart cruelly.

The moments spent with her will forever be cherished.
Her smile will never be forgotten.
Her laugh would still encourage me.
And her memories will stay. Forever.

I have so much to say.
So many tears yet to be shed.
So much pent up frustration to be let out.
Numerous reasons to break down.
But, It's all useless.
She will not come back. Ever.
She's gone. Forever.

Yours Only,
Elora.

P.S - 'Despondency'