When Words fail, listen to the Music I am Hearing. It says more about me than thousand Words could ever say. Sure, not always, but if I wear my Headphones its a good sign you shouldn't talk to me. Every song has a meaning to me. You can't understand it, only Helene can do that. 

They ask me why I am going on a walk or I am Sitting there just looking at a Wall, but they don't know it helps me to stay strong. I always have this feeling that I need to be strong for everyone. I just can't show my Weekness when I see others week. It feels bad. I have to be strong for others. I just have to. But I'm not. I feel bad to feel bad, when others are having a rough time of their life. They deserve to be happy and they deserve that someone is there for them.
I've never really talked about my feelings, I don't know how. I just can't let someone down or show them my thoughts. I know there is not a real Reason for my feelings, or maybe I just don't know it, but Helene is tired. Tired of life. And she knows she should talk with someone, but about what and who?

I'm sorry for beeing a bad daughter.
I'm sorry for beeing a bad friend.
I'm sorry for beeing emotional.
I'm sorry for beeing hurt.
I'm sorry for beeing alive.
I'm sorry for beeing me.
I'm sorry for coming into your live.
I'm sorry for my thoughts.
I'm sorry for my feelings.
I'm sorry for Helene.
I'm sorry for everything.

They don't understand the way I think, or feel.
They can't understand how I can feel happy and broke at the same time.
They can't understand why I discuss or talk with my self.
They can't hear, how I'm fighting or something like that with my self.
They don't understand that I wished I could talk to someone, but I just can't see the problem or know what to say.
They can't understand how many feelings of guilt I have.
They don't know, how it feels to feel bad and have this Person in you which is always positive and tells you whats the best for you. It's like one Person likes your life and the other one hates it. So you can discuss for ages.
They can't understand why I'm just don't know why I'm feeling, like I'm feeling. I don't know why I am Happy, when I am Happy and I don't  know why I am sad, when I'm sad.
They don't know how it feels smiling the whole day, just to brake down in the evening.

I can't really talk about me, cause everything I say is wrong and true at  the same time. I like science, and I hate it. I'm selfless and selfish. I like to talk about myself, and I absolutely hate it. I like my life and I hate it. I have thousend of plans for my future, but I don't know wich are mine and wich from others. I actually really scared about the future.

I'm not scared about death, I'm anxious about living like this forever.

Some People saw my Heart, saw Helene and how week I am. Some saw more, others less, but they never saw everything. I just can't describe what I want to say or what I think of. I don't want to think about that.

No one notices your tears.
No one notices your sadness.
No one notices Helene.
No one notices your Pain.
But they all notice your Mistakes

People call me strong or wonderful, but they haven't seen Helene. And I know I'm not always Helene, but Helene ist the dominantest Person. She gives me the Feeling she's the only Person.

You call me perfect. Okay, so here is my definition about my Perfectness:

Problems
emotional broke
really tired
faking smile
escaping reality
completely disappointed
totally ignored

And i just want someone who can understand me. A Person which knows how it is if you're Siblings look at you and tell you you're just their Half-sister and don't mean anything to them. How it feels beeing shown from your "Dad" your not his physical daughter. Someone who knows the guilty feeling, when you're thinking about the fact you decided to see your physical Dad, only for about 5 hours, and not again. Two years ago I didn't even know I have two more Half Siblings. I don't even know how their called or how old they are. Someone who moved often and lived on different Continents. And Somone who knows the things I left out or hide.

~Written from Helene. No one will actually understand what I wrote here and meant so, yeah..and its just some little things not to much about her, just thoughts of her head. Oh and I'm so sorry for my bad English, but I am slowly forgetting it. And sorry for all the Persons which already read parts of it. And please don't let this thoughts make you think different about me, I'm the same Person as before, so there is no difference. You can always talk to me I will be there and try to help you.

》Hide and Seek isn't fun, if nobody is looking for you《 ~Not from Me