XIV - splitting down the middle
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Snatches of laughter, conversations, and familiar tones drifted past Kendra as she floated through her dark, comfy abyss.
Sometimes, her consciousness scraped close enough to the surface and she could see confusing images of firelight rainbow reflections. Sometimes, her bones turned to ice and sometimes her stomach became a hotbed of coals melting her body.
Sometimes, though, she would get so close to the surface that her consciousness would almost grasp what was happening. Panic would thread Kendra's pulse and she would reach for something that wasn't there.
Then, the sense of urgency would pass and the clarity would fade. The event would leave her with the sense that she had forgotten something very, very important, but the longer she couldn't remember what it was, the less she cared to retrieve its memory. She felt nice as she was. Floating. Not panicked. Resting.
But, little by little, something new happened. Underwater intonations drifted into her abyss. The voices became stronger, and soon she connected the snippets of vocal fluctuations with her brother.
Which was really, really weird.
She didn't think Seth would have returned from his mission already. He had only set out from Fablehaven with Patton a few days prior; Kendra was sure. He probably forgot a pack or accidentally ran into a bear trap.
He called her name.
Ugh. She loved her few hours of sleep, but she knew as soon as she woke up, she would need to get ready for court. It was Saturday, which meant working citizens had the day off to come to the castle and present grievances to the royal family. Thankfully, Grandpa Sorenson handled most of the talking but he insisted she be there every Saturday to observe and learn.
She was grateful for the instruction, of course, but she also knew she had a while to go before she ever had to act as regent, so it was still so annoying. Her grandparents were well, and Fablehaven was at peace. There really wasn't a reason for her to be doing all that.
Someone began to tap her shoulder. Seth, probably.
Was a few hours of sleep too much for a girl to ask for? Maybe if she pleaded, Grandpa would let her skip today's court. Then, she could go to the market for a few hours before she had to go to Muriel for lessons—as a little treat for her to survive the training session.
Some days, it felt like Muriel just wanted to annoy her. The witch always said any poking and prodding was to strengthen Kendra's emotional connection to her magic, and no one could really contradict the old hag as no one really knew anything about a handmaiden's magic—much to Kendra's despair. Personally, she preferred pushing any clumsy feelings out of the way for a clear head to conduct magic with.
"Kendra!"
Seth's voice was sharp now. Maybe he was still mad at her for the frog incident. It had been ages ago, but he still harbored a grudge.
She wouldn't make that mistake again—Kendra was better at magic now. In Muriel's rare moments of sugar, she gave Kendra a compliment about being one of the strongest sorcerers alive. Nonetheless, it was always accompanied by a diatribe of how Kendra was going to squander her talent with laziness and coldness, but who cared about that part?
Goodness, her bed was really hard today. She moved her head to snuggle into her pillow, and instead, it felt like she scraped against stone...
Stone.
Cold, gritty stone. She was not in her bed.
She was not home.
Memories rushed back to her like a splash of freezing water, and she felt like she was falling forward off the dragon again. The wind whipped her cheeks and she slumped over the edge and—
Kendra snapped to a sitting position, her hands raised in front of her, a scream halfway out her mouth, and her eyes screwed shut.
When there was no wind and just a tentative name call by Seth, she opened her eyes.
He stared at her. His hair had grown longer than the earlier version of him she had dreamed about. Stone walls and floors formed the empty cave around them, and there was no falling sky to be found. Relief flooded her stiff limbs. "Oh."
"Welcome back to the land of the living, slowpoke." He wrapped her in a hug. His voice sounded thick with tears.
"Thanks."
He pulled back and wiped at his face. "You've been unconscious for two whole days. Cox-comb."
Kendra laughed and leaned back. The cold stone felt nice against her sweating palms. "You're right. I did that on purpose."
"Don't do it again," Seth said. "I'm going to go get Vanessa. Stay here."
Bright sun filtered in through the gaping maw of the cave. Once he walked out, Kendra layed back down. Her arms felt like jelly, and she had a killer headache. Unfortunately, it seemed like there were side effects of draining all your magic and promptly passing out. Kendra thought that was really unfair considering she had done it for a good cause.
But as she waited for Vanessa to come, Kendra forgot about her misgivings and took in her gray surroundings.
She was not in Terrabelle. Kendra was somewhere completely different, which was good, considering she was now a wanted criminal there. She wondered what her wanted poster looked like. Hopefully, they had drawn inspiration from her usual appearance and that last day when her hair was a mess...
Anyway.
Vanessa and Seth were okay as far as she knew. Everyone else was unaccounted for, including Raxtus. Poor Raxtus. What if she had hurt him when her magic support had abruptly cut off? Did he crash? Was he okay?
Kendra took deep breaths to stop the flow of her spiral and pivoted away from thinking of the worst possible situations. It hurt her brain more to think so disastrously, and she was scraping by with the pain as it was.
And, there was no use in crying preemptive tears. That was just wasted water.
Soon enough, Vanessa walked in the cave with Seth, knelt next to Kendra, and kissed her forehead.
Kendra preened at the touch. Vanessa had been a solid friend for her the past years, and Kendra didn't know how she would function if Vanessa was gone. The absence of her warm touch would be too cold for Kendra to bear.
She could say that about so many of her loved ones. But, what no one liked to speculate about was that their current course of action threatened casualties...and a lot of them. Tears pricked at Kendra's eyes. The sickness had tempered her will to glass; she couldn't think about desolate plans right now.
"Sweet girl, you scared us all. How do you feel?"
"Horrible." Kendra smacked her mouth and tasted the dryness. "Like I sprinted from Fablehaven to Wyrmroost and fell off a dragon."
"Well, half of that happened, so at least that's reasonable," Vanessa said. She checked Kendra's with the back of her palm, and felt her pulse at her neck. Satisfied, she sat back. "Now, listen to me carefully."
Kendra nodded. Her mind was fuzzy at best so she doubted her ability to actually do so. She leaned against the stone wall more and let the chill shock her body into focus.
"You need to let your magic rest, which means no using it for now."
Kendra sighed. They finally left the no magic zone of Terrabelle, and this was her reward? Kendra had thought she was finally free. But, there was no arguing with Vanessa when it came to her health. No doubt she was going to tell everyone else, and someone's hawk eyes would catch her if she broke the ban. Of course, Kendra wouldn't go against Vanessa's orders anyway. Even though she wished she could. "For how long?"
"We'll see. We need you strong for whatever we plan to do—which requires rest and recovery." Vanessa patted her head.
"Whatever we plan to do? It seems like you already have an idea."
"Vanessa and Warren wanted to wait until you were stable before they shared any plans with us lowly teenagers," Seth said. He scowled lightly and fixed the blankets around Kendra, tucking her in more.
Vanessa twisted her mouth to the side and sent a look toward Seth, but he wasn't rebuked. "Whatever we plan to do, I don't see it succeeding without your magic. So, you're not going to be rash and you're going to rest and recuperate."
Kendra nodded and smiled. "Of course. I'm not Seth."
"Uncalled for," he said. But, she saw the smile he hid as he turned away.
He was the one thing that had stayed constant from her dreamworld to this. Everything else had completely changed, but not him. She was grateful for her brother. No matter what, she would always have him. They continued to talk and they filled Kendra in on the little she had missed.
After further reassurances of her health, Seth finally left to go tell everyone she was awake.
As expected, others began to rush into the cave.
Warren was first. He hugged her and whispered in her ear. "You and Seth come before everything else and I mean it. No making yourself a martyr or I'll haunt you."
Kendra cracked a smile. His stubble scratched her cheek as he hugged her. It reminded her of her dad when she was little. Despite the losses her life has had, people and their love had expanded to fill the gaps. "I think I would be the one haunting you."
"There will be no ghosts if you all listen to me," Warren said.
That was what everyone all said: that everything would go fine. But the naivety Kendra had harbored before had been squashed like a pesky bug during the past months. She saw their future with a more realistic eye.
"We'll try our best," Seth answered. "No promises."
After Warren, came Patton. He required similar assurances of her health and said sweet things. But, she didn't see him all that often and they didn't have the closeness Kendra had with the other royal staff. He was Seth's valet, through and through.
Then, Eve came and said that she was glad Kendra was okay. With a sweet curtsy, she left with Seth to go do something that was probably mischievous.
Kendra managed weak smiles through the reunions but waves of exhaustion kept threatening to pull her under. The cool stone underneath her softened into a resting place the longer she fought against the weights on her eyelids. However, she stayed awake because the one she worried the most about had yet to show his face.
Until he did.
But when he did, relief swept his features. Garreth rushed towards her but then hesitated several feet away before kneeling on one knee. Princely poise washed away the longing on his face. It was awkward—to resume a dance they had practiced so well but forgot in the face of their familiarity. "I am glad you are well, my lady."
Just seeing Garreth again caused anger, terror, and sadness to squeeze her chest. Freezing rain dripped down her dress and swords bit her skin. However, sleepiness smothered her logic and she was too tired to clock the feeling for what it was.
Unfortunately, it was most likely just another issue to push deep down until it couldn't interfere with her directives. An old, reliable strategy.
Exhaustion settled over Kendra like a heavy blanket, and the world became a dark abyss again. Vanessa's comforting presence as she stroked her hair assuaged any fears Kendra had about not waking up again.
Her lady-in-waiting patted her head. "Everyone shoo. I'll tell you when you can come back in."
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The next weeks of wakefulness crawled by in an anxiety-filled, yet monotonous routine.
Every morning, they stomped out their fire and scattered any remains of their camp to the wind. Then, they would load anything of note onto Raxtus in a little pouch that he had let Vanessa tie around his neck. There wasn't much. It had to be light for the sake of practicality, which was easy considering the abruptness of their exit from Terrabelle.
Kendra missed her grimoire and her favorite dress that she had left in Terrabelle. Seth grumbled about his special emergency satchel being lost, too. It was more than the physicality of the things—it was the memories of their old life that spurred the longing.
Vanessa missed her scientific notebook and her scraps of Terrabelle, but Kendra knew it pained the veterinarian even more not to be able to collect samples as they journeyed. But, everything had to be practical if they were going to make the journey as quick as possible.
After their efficient morning routine, they would begin their walk. And they would walk. And walk. And walk. And walk.
That first week, Kendra had lounged on Raxtus, but after that, she had felt well enough to partake in the cycle everyone else had to be in—a couple passengers on Raxtus at a time.
Once the sun would fall just enough to hover above the treeline, they'd make camp somewhere safe. Seth would put up a charm around the camp that collected shadow and made it look darker to any passerby. Chores would be assigned, and they would build a fire and forage while Raxtus flew around, invisible, scouting out the surrounding territory.
After he returned, they would all confer, drawing a map relative to their knowledge of geography and Raxtus's description. Once the next day's journey trajectory was settled, they would retire to their comfy beds of fabric and dirt.
It was a cycle where at every moment a slew of different, conflicting enemies could snatch them up. So, Kendra constantly felt on the edge of something. Like she was about to slip off the dragon again.
But, nothing ever happened.
The adrenaline just turned to exhaustion that washed over her and made the dirt bed feel like a cloud. Sleep would claim her so quickly she couldn't even dream of the various nightmares awaiting her.
But, the droll, anxious monotony wasn't even the worst part of the trek for Kendra. It was the lack of solitude.
Kendra was used to bustling life in the castle, but at least she had always been able to retreat into a solitary room to rest.
Here, Kendra was rarely alone. If they ever split up, she was usually paired with someone. Usually Vanessa. Sometimes Seth or Warren.
But, never Garreth.
Which was good because every time she looked over at him, she felt the cool raindrops of that morning and the slick stone of the castle. She felt the sword biting her neck and the profanities hurled in her face.
Logically, she acknowledged Garreth's sacrifice.
Viscerally, she felt keen to vomit with terror if there was even a hint they'd be alone together.
Before, the idea of magical hatred and retaliatory violence had been an abstract boon. Horrible to live with, yes, but kind of like a distant nightmare. Now, it was a concrete memory with the tactile stone, the smell of rain, and the lightning flashing behind Garreth's frown.
But, it was only one of many terrors to add to her list. There was a fear much, much bigger that threatened to paralyze her entirely--the secret she had discovered after that first week of travel. It threatened to swallow her whole.
No one else knew about it, and by the Fairy Queen, it would stay that way. Kendra couldn't imagine the fall out if they knew. That was what terrified her.
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Kendra dipped a twig into the fire and scraped it across the cave wall of their dwelling for the night. With the reddish-brown wood ash, she made two notches at either end of the line she had just created.
"So, magic is a spectrum," she began. "At one extreme, we have pure magic. A force of nature." Kendra pointed to the leftmost notch and scratched in the word nature. "Magic in its purest form is really only accessible to the earth, the wind, the water, and the air. It is just another element entwined with them all. Generally inaccessible to everyone."
Eve nodded. She was an attentive pupil, determined to soak up all she could about magic, the world outside Terrabelle, sword-fighting, and literally anything she could squeeze out of her companions.
While Patton, Vanessa, and Warren hunted for some small game, Kendra played teacher to Eve. Seth played with his pocket knife near the fire, and Garreth and Raxtus took a nap in the corner.
Kendra made two more notches on the line—one at the other end and one in the middle. She pointed to the middle notch. "This notch is for magical creatures. Satyrs, dragons, dryads, and the like. This other end is humans. And magic-users get to be, depending on their ability, somewhere in the middle of those two notches.
"Even though magical creatures are made with magic, not all can actually wield it. Most sorcerers can wield even less magic and generally have to use aids like spells, incantations, or potions that provide an easier way of harnessing magic." Kendra uncrossed her legs and leaned against the wall. All the talking was tiring her out. But, that happened quicker now after her sickness anyway.
She enjoyed talking to Eve about all the magic stuff. Kendra had spent the past couple years trying to learn everything she could, and occasionally sending Seth and Patton out to talk to or find someone with more knowledge. It was nice to have someone who also enjoyed learning about all the intricacies of magic. One day, she even wished to have a school for magic in Fablehaven. Of course, assuming that they ever returned to Fablehaven.
"But, you and Seth have more power than the average sorcerer, right?" Eve trailed her finger along the ash drawing.
"Definitely. Like far more," Seth jumped in. He stopped playing with the fire to turn to the two girls. "Remember Madeline? She could only make more vibrant colored fabric."
"Madeline was our royal seamstress," Kendra said in explanation to Eve. "But, that's exactly it. Most humans who have the aptitude to wield magic can only wield very little. But, there are exceptions. Seth, for example, got imbued with the power of a powerful dark creature, which greatly expanded his own ability to learn magic."
Seth used the knife to scrape dirt out from his fingernails. "Muriel's an unnaturally powerful sorceress too, but she won't tell us what she used to amplify her powers."
"Muriel's my old teacher," Kendra added. She didn't use the past tense, because there was no doubt in Kendra's mind that Muriel was somehow thriving and she would live to see her again. Bad things never happened to mean people.
"But, aren't you a priestess?" Eve pulled her finger back from the drawing and wiped the ash on the floor.
Using the stick, Kendra drew a curved line from the sorcerers all the way to nature. "In theory, being a handmaiden means the Queen has gifted me the ability to tap into true natural magic. But in practice, I lean on spells a lot to preserve my energy."
"Well, no wonder everyone wants to kill you. You have the power to subjugate all of them."
Kendra balked at the assertion. She had heard that before but never from the mouth of a friend. "I would never do that."
"Of course not." Eve pursed her lips. "Sorry. I just meant that, that's probably why the Sphinx can gather magical creatures to his side."
Kendra took a deep breath. Despite this being something she had discussed before at length with many people, it never got less touchy. How was she supposed to be calm about people asserting she was too dangerous to live? She didn't ask to be a handmaiden. It came with too many problems and placed too many targets on her.
"No, you're right. It's one of the reasons magical creatures can be afraid of sorcerers. Another is that magical creatures are stagnant—their natures never change. A satyr a thousand years ago is the same as today. Yet humans just keep changing and gathering more power and have the creativity to figure out more ways to do so."
Eve sat up straight like lightning had struck. "And their one advantage is magic—yet humans are taking that too."
"Just wait until the news of the crystals spreads far enough," Seth muttered.
The headache-inducing climate surrounding magic only got more complicated. Kendra sighed. "It is unfortunate that the Treaty of Terrabelle, the crystals, the Sphinx, and Seth and I's existence have coincided. It certainly has raised concern in everyone. For magical creatures, that concern is that this is the inevitable point where humans eclipse magical creatures. And for humans, that this is the inevitable point in which magic retaliates and they go to war. The Sphinx has certainly gathered a lot of support with his separatist ideas."
"In many places, though, non-magical humans and everyone else can coexist," Seth said. "Like Fablehaven. Or even Terrabelle before the whole treaty, I guess."
"I wouldn't know." Eve shrugged. "I was four when it was signed. I don't remember anything."
From the corner, Garreth sat up. Kendra blinked. He must have never been sleeping. Self-consciousness creeped in. Had he been listening the whole time? It was dumb, but she had the urge to review everything she had said to make sure she hadn't embarrassed herself.
"I remember the years leading up to the treaty. Animosity had begun to build. A satyr stole bread from a bakery, and that had been a huge deal. A inn banned any magical creatures from entering and then there was a riot. Two sorcerers were found dead. An entire section of the city burned. Then, of course, a sorcerer killed Mom."
Everyone else was silent in response. Kendra could hear every pop and crackle of the fire. The songs of birds outside. The rushing of blood in her ears as she tried to force words out of her mouth to no avail. She wished for her father's dazzling diplomacy. What would he say?
Garreth rubbed his forehead. "The day before the treaty terms were announced, every single magical creature or sorcerer or anyone suspected with magic was arrested. Then, once all the foreign dignitaries left, father began the purge on the prisoners. It smelled like blood in the square for weeks." He looked up and flinched at all their stares.
Kendra could not imagine witnessing such carnage at such a young age. Her empathy and guilt balked at his graphic imagery but she pushed it all down. Fragility was not what everyone needed from her right now.
"Do you think father is instituting another purge right now?" Eve asked.
Kendra clutched her stomach and looked away. They had left all those poor people...
Garreth opened his mouth, but after he surveyed everyone's faces, he closed it, sighed, and stood up. "Sorry to ruin the mood. I'm going to go help with the hunt. Can't sleep."
After he left, Eve frowned. "He's not doing well."
The firelight danced on the cave wall and Raxtus's soft sleeping exhales stoked the flames. Yet, she felt cold.
"No one is," Seth said.
Kendra didn't say anything--guilt sewed her lips shut. Guilty for what, she didn't exactly know. But there was a pervasive feeling of sick guilt throughout her body, stirring up acid in her stomach. The cold from the stone leached into her skin as she leaned up against the wall and closed her eyes. She didn't want to see anything.
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The next week, Kendra found herself trapped in the worst possible situation. No, it wasn't some horrible raid or the world ending.
It was much, much worse.
Unfortunately, since they were still close enough to Terrabelle, supply runs excluded the most recognizable faces: Kendra, Garreth, and Patton. Patton left to go gather sticks and brush for the fire, and Raxtus decided to take the time to scout ahead.
It was just Garreth and her and she burned in the silence they shared. She had busied herself with forming a basket. He had not.
Flames from the campfire between them smoldered and sputtered, and Kendra began to shiver as the warmth left. Tall pine trees stretched to the sky at such roomy intervals that had allowed for them to set up camp, but if she looked in any direction, it became a mass of dark wood. The snow fell lightly today, and she could feel it build gradually on her furry hood.
Garreth gazed around at the trees and searched for something--maybe birds' nests. Their unspoken words hung in the air, and they pressed down on Kendra's lungs until she just couldn't breathe.
"I know what you're thinking," Kendra said. The words had burst out of her, but now she had to see it through. She pulled apart her bundle of reeds with jerky, shaky motions. "But, it was a mistake."
Tension flooded her body. She'd done it. She'd said the words that she had been rotating through her mind every day, fine-tuning them to come out smooth and practiced. They were still clunky. Was this the right decision?
Yes. It had to be. This was what needed to be done. She needed a clear mind for the future.
Garreth sighed. His sword leaned up against the log he sat on. The side of his face curved into rivers and roads of tiny little cuts from the broken Terrabellian glass. He wasn't alone in his condition. Everyone had cuts and slashes and burns. Everyone. "You believe that?"
Kendra pulled a reed apart. It split down the middle. Her breath caught as she opened her mouth. Another reed, jagged down the side. A breath. She opened her mouth. Air came this time. "I knew that you couldn't ever...love me. I knew that we were fundamentally compatible. That if you knew the truth, you would hate me. But, I let you court me anyway. I let you love a lie. That wasn't me...and that was my mistake." Her voice became soft and low. "I apologize."
Garreth laid his head in his hands. He didn't speak.
Kendra couldn't imagine what he was thinking. She could barely hold on to her own thoughts. It felt a lot better to not think. Instead, she rotely rotated through her grandparents' precepts on safety and security instead. This was for the better. It would get rid of all those icky feelings that dripped down her spine.
Another reed. This one caught on the pull, and it split into two. She continued. "It wasn't your fault. I said unwarranted words. I apologize. It was my fault. I knew everything."
Kendra reached for another reed to split, but felt dirt. She had done them all. The next step was weaving but Kendra couldn't focus right now. She needed something mindless to get through this confession. Her nails dug into the log. "It was my mistake."
Garreth lifted his head and stared at her, his eyes rimmed red. No tears fell. Not like that drizzly morning.
He just stared at her.
Unbidden, anger leapt to her throat. Her emotions were so out of her control lately; they boiled and splashed like oil over a fire. Deadly if thrown onto flesh and blood.
She needed to push them away, yet control danced outside her fingers. The oil burned her throat as she bit her tongue.
She needed him to say something.
She shouldn't need that. But she did.
She needed confirmation that he no longer harbored favor for her. That he had betrayed her without love, and not despite it.
That he had saved her out of the duty and righteousness she had admired of him. Not for some misguided affection. She wasn't who he thought she was.
She needed him to be done so she could be done and throw all of her hurt and pain and love and joy into an abyss so she could regain focus on rescuing her grandparents and recovering her kingdom. Something she never should've lost.
Tears pushed against her eyes. No. She fought them back.
This conversation had made her fragile. Garreth had made her fragile.
But, Kendra had let that happen.
"Say something," she hissed. Embarrassment crowded her thoughts, she was self-conscious, he was staring at her. Icky anxiety crawled over her skin, and she tensed at his gaze.
"I've never seen you like this," Garreth said. His eyes moved to the embers of the fire. Away from her. As if he couldn't bear to witness what he saw.
Kendra let out a breath.
She had always been out of his sight. He had never seen Kendra. He had only ever seen the princess.
He had never seen the witch.
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