'For fucks sake, Casey, I told you to go easy. Didn't I tell you to go easy?'

Davey had been pacing the floor for twenty minutes already, punctuating his rant by throwing things, kicking stuff and generally shouting so loud that my already-pounding head felt like it might split into two.

Not that I could blame him. He had warned me before we'd left the house, albeit in that very casual, nonchalant way of his.

Go easy, leave some for the rest of us, yeah babe?

In other words, go easy because he was worried there'd be none left for him, not necessarily because he was worried something might happen to me. But that was Davey's attitude towards everything. He wore casual like a coat. Practically had awards in it and everything.

Not that he was acting casually now. I'd ruined his night. His big night. That one night he could never get back because his stupid junkie of a girlfriend had taken too much, flipped out like a complete nutter on the dance floor and generally embarrassed him in front of the whole of Hackney.

I wanted to say that maybe he should give more of a shit that about that girlfriend instead of what his adoring crowd thought of him, but I kept my mouth shut. I'd caused way too much trouble already and what's more, I felt like Death and Death was barely keeping me upright on the bed, let alone allowing me to even think about stringing a sentence together.

'Do you even have any idea what tonight fucking cost me? Do you, Case?'

Addi, who'd been loitering close-by with that look on his face ever since I'd woken up, held out his hands, trying to calm his mate, who was still pacing and looking more agitated by the second, if that was even possible.

'Bro, seriously, it was a big fucking success just as we all knew it would be. You don't have to worry about nothin', man. That place was fucking banging. I ain't never seen a crowd like that, they were so pumped it was unreal.'

Davey glared at him. 'Yeah, and what will they remember, eh? Davey Kelley's girlfriend screaming like a bloody maniac and causing a fucking scene!'

Had I been screaming? I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember anything, just that one minute I'd been dancing, having the time of my bloody life and the next, I was back here, lying on the living room floor soaking wet from where I'd been put in the shower fully-clothed to cool me down and stinking of puke where I'd thrown up on the rug, after they'd tried to force Valium down my throat. Not to mention that fact I'd woken up to find I was surrounded by Davey's mates all sitting around, smoking and getting a good look at his girlfriend whose saturated clothes had gone practically see-through. Waking up in your own puke was bad enough, waking up to find every low-life from Davey's crew was getting a free-for-all glimpse of your undies was another thing entirely.

Addi rolled his eyes as Davey turned his back on him and stalked over to the dressing table, which was cluttered with all sorts of shit you wouldn't ever usually expect to find on a dressing table. He took a swig from a bottle of beer placed there, swishing it around his mouth for a second before swallowing, then quickly took another gulp.

I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him this angry. He could do angry like a pro, when he shrugged off the casual coat, of course, but Davey's anger was always controlled, just like he was in control of everything else in his life. Usually I enjoyed his anger, got off on it I suppose, mainly because I knew sex invariably followed the storm; a frantic, leg-weakening sex that left me sweating and breathless, but this was a different kind of anger. This was the kind that unnerved me because it wasn't like him at all. This was unpredictable. Dangerous.

'Dave, mate,' Addi insisted. 'I'm telling you, no one barely noticed. We got her out of there before most people knew what was happening. Everyone was too fucking wasted to give a shit anyway.'

'That's not the point and you know it!' He turned on me again, his lips curled up into a sneer as he looked at me. 'It was my night, Case. Mine. You fucking knew how hard I'd worked on it. Bloody months of sheer graft.'

'I know,' I mumbled, gingerly rubbing at my temples. I hadn't stopped shivering since I'd woken up and now everything ached. I felt like I'd run ten marathons in twenty-four hours. Not that I knew what it was like to run a marathon, mind you, but I was pretty sure this was close enough, minus the blisters.

'You know, yeah?' he said, his gaze burning into me, one eyebrow raised. 'Yeah, of course you know. I mean, you've only been with me every day, right? You've been here watching me organise everything, plan everything right down to the last fucking detail. You've been around as I've jumped through bloody hoops to get last night sorted. Every hiccup. Every obstacle. You've seen it all and yet still you had to try and fuck everything up for me, didn't you?'

With one sweep of his arm, he sent everything from the side crashing to the floor, swinging his leg and booting half the stuff across the room, before charging across towards me, his face twisted with rage. I scrambled back on the bed, getting my legs tangled up in the blanket and ending up curled into a ball, throwing my hands over my head to protect myself. But Davey never reached me.

'What the fuck, bro!' Addi shouted. 'What's the matter with you? Okay, she went too far, she bloody knows that, but look at her! She's a mess. She didn't mean to do it. She didn't mean to cross the line.'

I lowered my arms to see that Addi had thrown himself between me and Davey, and now had his hands pushed against his mate's chest, trying to calm him down, although Davey looked just as wild as he had moments before and, I noticed, was still clutching the neck of the beer bottle.

'Tell him, Case. You didn't mean to. It was just an accident, right?'

Our eyes met and I saw the anxiety in his, imploring me not to screw this up too, but I couldn't help but think, he knows, he sees. And he did. He always did. Sometimes I thought he saw more than Davey ever could.

What else could I say?

'Of course it was,' I whispered, hating how croaky and weak my voice sounded. 'It was stupid of me. Really stupid. I'm sorry, babe, please, I'm really sorry.'

Davey stared at me, a momentary softness muting the anger in his eyes, the tightness in his jaw loosening. With a snarl of frustration, he yanked himself out of Addi's hold, turning on his heels towards the open doorway of the bedroom, before looking back at me and taking another swig of beer.

'That's the problem though, isn't it? You always are.' He raised the bottle in mock-toast. 'Oh, by the way, Happy fucking New Year to you too, Case.'

Before I could say anything, the bottle flew across the room, hitting the wall not that far away from where I remained hunched in a ball, huddling to protect myself again as the glass shattered onto the bed.

'Fucking Hell, man,' shouted Addi, as Davey stormed out.

I pushed myself into the corner and watched as the last remnants of beer from the shattered bottle dripped down the wall in thin, dark rivulets.

*

I woke some time later, still curled into a ball so tight that stretching out my limbs felt like a whole new world of pain as my muscles screamed in protest.

The first thing I noticed was that all the glass fragments had gone, even though the beer still stained the wall. The second was the sounds of the girl coming from the room across the hall. My bedroom door was closed, but I could still hear her and would have recognised her over-dramatic fake pôrn-star orgasm anywhere.

I pulled the pillow over my head and groaned.

Star Fucking Adams. Of all the skanks he could have chosen to punish me with, of course it had to be her. He knew I hated her. I mean, for a start, who the fuck is called Star anyway? I'd like to have said her parents were free-loving hippies from the seventies or something, but the name was fake, just like her over-plumped collagen lips and plastic tîts. She'd appeared on the underground club scene a few months back, attaching herself to Davey and his gang like the slutty little leech she was, making sure he knew she was available. And man, did she make herself available. To be fair, for the most part, Davey had avoided her, brushing her aside like he brushed a lot of the desperate sycophants aside, but I knew he'd been with her. I'd heard them. Heard her. With those Oscar-worthy cries, I was surprised Hollywood hadn't heard her by now.

Slipping out of bed, I sluggishly pulled off Davey's t-shirt, not even remembering when I'd got changed from the dress I'd worn at the club and pulled on a vest top and trackie bottoms. Avoiding the mirror, I raked my fingers through my hair, pulled it up into a loose pony-tail and left the room, sighing when I opened the door to find the one across the hall was partly open. Ignoring the show, I padded downstairs, feeling the weight of every step judder through me.

The kitchen and living room was open-plan, full of clutter - just like every room in Davey's house - but thankfully today, devoid of life except for Addi, who sat at the small table in the kitchen, a mug of steaming coffee and yesterday's gaudy tabloid in front of him.

He looked up as I shuffled in and without a word, nodded at the chair opposite and pushed the mug across the table at me.

I took it gratefully and sipped at the hot coffee as he got up and made himself another, before sitting back down. We stared at each other for a few seconds, the strong scent of coffee drifting up and making me feel more nauseous than I already did.

'You don't have to pretend, you know?' He pointed straight up to the ceiling, where the bed springs squeaked out of time with Star's ridiculous moans. 'You don't have to act like you don't give a shit.'

I sniffed and immediately wished I hadn't when I inhaled too much coffee all at once. I pushed it away. Grabbing the newspaper, I began to flick through the pages, barely even reading it. Words. Pictures. It all made my head hurt.

'Case.'

'I don't give a shit.'

Addi chuckled as he leant back in the chair, linking his hands behind his head. 'Course you don't, baby girl. Course you don't. Same old tough-as-nails Casey Brogan, right? Doesn't give a damn about anything or anyone. Even herself.'

I gave him a barely disinterested glance. 'Spare me the psycho-analysis, yeah? You've been reading too much of this rag, Addison.' I stabbed at the paper with one finger. 'It's filling your head with crap. You should get out more. Go to the library maybe. Read something other than Kardashian bullshit and the problem page.'

'I read the sports pages actually.'

'Ooh, so high-brow of you.' I rolled my eyes.

He looked at me for a moment, in that serious way he often did, but the smile followed nevertheless. It always did with Addi.

'Yeah, well, you should care. He's being a dîck.'

'He's being Davey.'

'Oh, and that's okay, is it?'

It was my turn to chuckle then. 'You're meant to be his mate. Anyone would think you're trying to turn me against him.'

'Come on,' he said, shaking his head. 'There's nothing I can say about Davey you don't already know. He's my boy, yeah? But you're my girl and you don't have to sit down here listening to him banging that nasty skank upstairs.'

'I'm Davey's girl.'

The hurt rippled across his face, brief, but undeniable and I hated myself a little bit for it, because he didn't deserve it. It was a mean shot. An attempt to shove him away, all wrapped up in three little words. He shrugged it off, bouncing back with a scowl that darkened his brow.

'Fuck off, Case, you know what I mean. We're mates, you and me. And I want you to give a shit. Not just about this, but about everything.' He paused, chewing on his lower lip. 'You fucking scared me the other night, you know?'

I sighed irritably and turned the pages faster.

'Don't do that. Don't ignore me.'

But I did ignore him. Or at least tried to, until he slammed his hand down on the newspaper, stopping me from turning any more pages.

'You scared me, okay? You scared the living shit out of me. I ain't never seen you like that before.'

I stared at him obstinately. 'I'm fine, aren't I? Look, I'm here, breathing, still alive and kicking.'

'Damn it, Case. You're an arrogant bitch, you know that?'

Anger flashed briefly across his face, replaced quickly by concern that softened his features. I think I preferred his anger to his pity. I could deal with anger. Pity and concern tugged deep, twisting and knotting my insides until I thought they might never unravel.

'You can't keep doing this, Case. You might think just because you've pulled through a few times that everything will always be okay, that you're fucking invincible or something, but you're not and New Year's Eve proved that. You were ...' He trailed off, his eyes troubled.

'What?' I snapped.

'I don't know, it was just different, that's all. You were screaming and shit. You were bugging out for real. Like you were really scared.'

Little pulses of pain echoed across my forehead. Frowning, I got up and went over to the sink and poured myself a glass of water. It was slightly cloudy and not cold enough for my liking, but I needed to get rid of the taste of coffee that lay thick on my tongue.

'I don't remember,' I said finally, leaning against the worktop and cradling the glass to my chest. 'Look, whatever it was, it was just a bad trip, that's all. Nothing to worry about.'

'But I am worried.'

I hesitated, about to bite back with a typical Casey Brogan devil-may-care quip, but something in Addi's eyes made me stop. He was worried. And of all the people in Davey's gang, I knew Addi always had my back. Of course, I knew there was far more to it than him just being a mate, I could see that in his eyes too, always had, not that it had ever bothered me. In fact, if it wasn't for Davey, I reckoned Addi and me would totally have had a thing. He was pretty bloody gorgeous after all, eyelashes longer than most women I knew and one of those smiles that had half the girls in Hackney drooling after him and desperate to drop their knickers. But to me, he was just Addison, Davey's mate. My mate.

'Please don't worry,' I said, shooting him my most reassuring smile and doing my best to look completely genuine. 'I know I went too far the other night. I did too much. I knew it before I even went out I think. But you know what it was like. We were all so hyped up, all ready for a top night and when the gear's there on tap, sometimes you just lose your head and go a bit crazy with it. I shouldn't even have gone, but I didn't want to let Davey down. Turns out I did that anyway, like the fucking idiot I am, but honestly, I'm fine now. I'm alright, Ads.'

God, if I ever needed a hit of something, I needed it then. I felt naked under his scrutiny, not literally, but the kind I hated. The kind that made feel like it had all been stripped away, all the bravado, all the fuck-everyone-and-everything show that kept it all at bay. A little something now would help. Just one line or one pill that I could wear like a fucking Wonder Woman cape, and then I'd do the twirl and look him in the eye and everything would be okay again.

He stared hard at me and everything he was thinking, everything he wanted to say hung in the air between us and I knew he was going to say it, knew he was going to finally ask.

'Did you mean to do it, Case? Did you mean to go too far?'

I knew those questions rolled around his head every time I crossed the line. Like I said, sometimes I think he saw more than Davey ever did. Way more. Too much really, and I sort of hated him and adored him for it at the same time. I didn't want him to see. I didn't want him to know, because Addi knowing forced me to feel something other than the numbness that I usually felt and that pissed me off, because if being casual was Davey's thing, then feeling numb was mine.

Another pill, Case? Sure, whatever. Another drink, Case? Sure, whatever. Okay if I shag another girl, Case? Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Not that Davey ever asked me that, mind you. He probably didn't feel he needed to. It was just a given. Just like the drugs, just like the booze. All part and parcel of being in this world, of being his girl - the one that stood head and shoulders above the rest, the important one, the one who shared his bed, the one he said he loved and I suppose he did in his own fucked-up Davey way.

And I took it. Accepted it, because I didn't give a shit. Never had. Never would.

Addi was right though. I should have cared. Somewhere inside, I knew I should have given a toss that despite somehow managing to get through another overdose, I was now listening to Davey bang some other girl upstairs just because he wanted to twist the knife. But instead of letting it bother me, I just held my hand over his and helped him twist it a little more, helped him bury it deeper and deeper. It was easier that way, I'd always thought. Easier than acknowledging. Easier than feeling the rot. Easier than looking in the mirror and seeing it there; spore upon spore of black, noxious poison.

I smiled at Addi again and brushed my fingers gently against his cheek, because I knew it would work. Distraction was the best form of defence with him. His dark eyes widened at my touch, his lips parted slightly and I saw everything that I knew he would never say.

After all, it was easy for him to ask me if I really was trying to kill myself, not so easy to tell me that he loved me.

'Fucking lunatic,' I whispered. 'As if you'll ever get rid of me so easy. I'm Casey Brogan, remember? Life and soul of the bloody party.'

'Ha!' he said, grabbing my hand and kissing my knuckles playfully. 'Baby girl, you are the fucking party!'

'She is when she stays on her feet,' said a voice.

I hadn't realised the bed springs had stopped singing.

Davey stood in the doorway, tugging his hair back into a bun, jeans low on his hips and his chest still slightly glistening with perspiration. Only Davey could still look hot after he'd shagged another girl right under my nose.

I pulled away from Addi immediately and returned to the sink, sipping at the water and fixed Davey with my best couldn't-give-a-shit smile.

'Alright, babe?' he said, acting like he hadn't just fucked the girl I hated, even though his eyes were daring me to bite. 'Feeling better?'

'On top of the world,' I said with a grin.

'Glad to hear it,' he sniffed as he walked over to the sofa and grabbed a t-shirt that lay draped over the arm, pulling it over his head. 'Because I need you to go to Oscar's for me.'

Oscar Turnbull. Scum of the fucking earth and maybe even the universe. Big time drug dealer, strip club owner and God knows what else. He was also Davey's source. The head honcho. The spider whose web everyone else was caught in. He distributed to Davey, Davey distributed to his crew, his crew dealt on Davey's club scene. Everyone got paid. Everyone was happy.

Except me. Because Oscar Turnbull, afore mentioned scum of the earth and all-round nasty bastard didn't like dealing with Davey anymore, he liked dealing with me. I put a smile on his face apparently and Oscar didn't smile at just anybody. In fact, Oscar rarely smiled at all unless he was watching someone getting their legs broken and thrown in the river.

Goosebumps rose on my skin. 'For fuck's sake, Davey. Can't you go?'

'No, I can't. He wants you.'

Of course he did.

'I'm not up to it, not today, please babe.'

'I thought you said you felt on top of the world?' He raised a brow and smirked. Fucker.

'Yeah, but come on ...' I groaned. 

'You owe me, remember?'

Star appeared in the doorway, doing her best to look out of breath, and still buttoning up her shirt over her ample boobs, even though she'd had plenty of time to do that upstairs. Giggling, she reached out and run one gel-nailed hand along Davey's neck, but he shrugged her off and didn't even look at her. She'd served her purpose and served it well, and now he couldn't give a toss whether she was there or not. Pouting, she glared daggers at me from under her fake eyelashes.

Walking over to where I stood, Davey snaked a hand around the back of my neck and pulled me towards him, kissing me on the lips. I tried hard not to grimace, thinking about how he'd been kissing her just moments before. 

'You're going,' he said firmly. 'Oh, and make sure you wear that dress he likes, yeah? The one that shows off how good your arse looks.'

As if to emphasise the point, he reached down and squeezed a handful, before walking away and leaving me standing there with the nausea returning in full-force.

I was sure that if I looked in the mirror now I'd see the rot.

And from the look on Addi'sface, he could see it too.