Three grams of Charlie in a small plastic bag. Two pills, one blue, one white. Two blotters of acid, one with a strawberry picture, the other with a heart.

I sat on the side of the bed, fist pressed against my lips, one foot constantly tapping a jive against the floor. Reaching out, I straightened up the line of drugs on the bedside table, spacing them out, then went back along and did it again. I stood up abruptly, began to walk away and stopped.

Three grams. Two pills. Two tabs.

Turning around, I stared at the line-up and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Taking a step closer, I hesitated, clutching at my hair. With a whimper, I opened the drawer, quickly swiping the cocktail into it and shut it firmly, stepping back to watch the small table lamp wobble on top of the unit, the light juddering on the walls.

I walked away. Stopped. Glanced back. Closed my eyes.

Screams filled my ears, like the shrieks of a thousand birds, wings furiously beating at the air.

The screeching noises I'd heard as I'd fled had reminded me of the sounds I'd heard when the creature had chased me outside Oscar's club. Only this time, it had been worse, a sound so shrill and so terrifying that I'd felt the chill encapsulate my heart, the ice spreading through chambers and valves, willing it to stop beating. I wasn't sure I'd ever stop hearing that sound, an eternal terrifying echo inside my head.

I opened my eyes, fingers twitching by my sides. I wanted to open that drawer so bloody much.

'No', I whispered. 'No.'

'Case?' Addi said from the doorway. He'd been watching me ever since I'd arrived back home and had run upstairs to pull my stash from the drawer and place it all in a neat little line like I was about to play eenie-meenie-miny-mo on what to take first.

'No,' I said again, louder this time.

'Casey, baby girl, please...'

'Shut up, Addi.' I whirled around to face him, ignoring the flicker of hurt in his eyes. 'Please, just shut up. I can't think. I need to think.'

I went back and sat on the edge of the bed, drumming my fingers on the table where coffee cup rings scorched the surface in a pattern of pale concentric circles. 

Pulling my hand back into my lap, I locked my fingers together but my foot started tapping again, a constant agitated drumbeat that was soon joined by more frantic beats, as footsteps pounded the stairs.

I knew Addi had called Davey. I'd been sitting here as he'd slunk back into the hallway, making the call in a hushed voice as if he thought I was too off my head to hear him, as if I wasn't in the very next room listening to every bloody word.

'Ads, where is she?'

I had to give Davey some credit. He sounded genuinely concerned, and according to Addi, had been out searching for me when I hadn't come home from meeting Claire. The Casey Brogan I knew would have been pleased by this, a tiny glimmer of something resembling warmth would have sparked a fire in her cold heart, and for a moment – just a moment, mind you – she would have felt something. But I didn't feel like her anymore. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know who to be. And so, as I heard the anxiety in Davey's voice, I felt nothing but an all-consuming panic, that weighed so heavy upon me that I felt anchored to the drugs.

Three grams. Two pills. Two tabs.

It would be easy. Maybe even the easiest fucking thing I'd ever done in my life. How much would I need to go under? How much would I need to make it all go away?

Addi drew back from the doorway and did it again – talked as if I wasn't there, as if there was nothing left but the Ghost of Casey Brogan Past, sitting here rattling her chains. Bodiless whispers drifted into the room and I ignored them, my thoughts drifting back to the drugs. To the screams. To Ethan.

I'd done exactly as he'd asked. I'd ran and I hadn't looked back. Fear had been the only thing driving me forward, a fear that had started out as a fear of him, and which now, with my little cocktail of drugs calling out to me from inside the closed drawer, had morphed into a fear for him. A fear for me. A fear that I was losing my mind. A fear that if I wasn't, then he'd been right all along about this all being real, and not only was I in danger, but so was he. That's if he was even still alive.

The thought of that, the thought that he might be dead now, slaughtered by whatever had been coming for us, scared me more than the thought that he might not even exist at all and that all of this was just the twisted work of my fucked-up mind.

I didn't even realise Davey had entered the bedroom, until he gently took my chin in his hand and turned my head to look at him, where he knelt on the floor in front of me.

'Casey?' he said. He even looked concerned. 'What's going on? What's happened?'

I stared into his face and wondered when everything had changed. There'd been a time when he'd been everything I'd needed, not because I loved him, but because the life he offered helped me keep it all at bay. I'd drowned myself in drugs, drink, sex and excess and for a while, it had worked. A few lines, non-stop partying and a hit of Davey. My fix. My addiction. My self-help book with his face on every page.

For the first time in ages, I didn't need to fill my head with him so I could block out the ghost whispers that haunted me. I needed a clear head. I need some clarity.

'I can't do this anymore,' I said. 'I'm done. I'm really done with it.'

He raised a brow and rubbed his hands on my thighs, in what I'm sure he thought was a comforting gesture. 'What are you talking about, eh? Where have you been? I've been out looking for you everywhere. Has someone been bothering you, is that it?'

I thought of Ethan again. Of flickering lights. Of white eyes staring at me through the windows of a packed Tube carriage.

'No.' I shook my head. 'No one. But I need to stop. Something... something's wrong. With me.'

'Babe, you're not making any sense. Where have you been all day? Why didn't you answer your phone?'

'I met Claire.' That had happened. That had been real at least.

His eyes narrowed, showing that same flicker of distaste I always saw whenever I mentioned her name. 'Did she say something again?' he said. 'Did that bitch upset you? I swear to God, you need to stop letting her fucking torture you. Stuck-up cow. All she ever does is turn her bloody nose up at you.'

'It wasn't Claire.'

'Are you sure? Because you always come back feeling like shit. Remember last time...'

My fists balled in my lap. 'It wasn't bloody Claire, alright?'

He flinched at the anger in my voice. 'Then what? Come on, babe, you don't just go missing for bloody hours for no reason. Did someone get to you? Did someone hurt you? Because if they did, I swear, I'll fucking kill them.'

He wouldn't, of course. Someone else would, but not him. He was too important. Too big now to do the dirty work himself. He had people for that. Oscar had people for that.

'No one hurt me. No one did anything.' I hesitated. 'I've been at the hospital.'

I wasn't lying about that - I wasn't - but I heard Addi suck in a breath and knew I couldn't look at him for fear of what else he might see.

'What?' Davey sat back on his heels, stunned. 'Why?'

This was moving in a direction I didn't want it to go, like I was watching myself standing on the edge of the cliff, one foot dangling over the precipice. Another step and I wouldn't be able to stop the fall. I had to pull back. I had to hang on.

'I... I don't know. Something happened. On the Tube. They say I had a seizure. When I woke up I was in hospital.'

'In hospital? Fuck's sake, Casey.' He glanced at Addi, then back at me. 'Why didn't you call me as soon as they discharged you?'

'Phone was dead,' I mumbled. 'I just wanted to get back. I didn't think.'

'I've been out there looking for you for ages, I've had the whole bloody crew out looking for you.' He was biting the inside of his mouth in the way he always did before he was about to erupt, but instead of going full-on Vesuvius at me, he looked away, exhaling whatever he had wanted to say in a long, drawn-out sigh. 'A seizure? A fucking seizure, babe?'

'That's what they said. I don't even know, I swear I don't. I didn't feel well, that's all I remember. I was burning up on the Tube. Everyone was on there in thick winter coats and scarves and I was so hot I could barely stand. My chest was hurting, just like New Year's Eve, then the next thing I knew, I woke up in A&E with a nurse standing there.'

And my fake brother.

'I told you, man,' Addi said. 'Didn't I tell you something was really wrong on New Year? Casey can handle herself better than anyone we know.'

Now he was lying and I couldn't resist a furtive glance at him myself. Addi knew more than anyone how close I'd come to jumping off the edge. After all, he'd been the one who'd coaxed me back more times than I cared to remember.

Davey had the decency then to look a little sheepish, and I knew that whatever Addi had told him had been brushed aside. I was a junkie. I'd been careless. I'd fucked everything up.

'I'm off the drugs,' I said.

He stiffened, his eyes widening. 'Babe...'

'I mean it. I can't do it anymore. It's fucking with my head.'

'Case, come on, we've been through this before,' he said.

'It's different this time.'

And it was different. I hadn't had half my arm pulled into a void before. I hadn't watched some invisible force make the lights explode. I hadn't seen creatures with scarred faces and cadaverous grins.

'Something's not right in here,' I said, tapping on my head. 'It's the drugs. It has to be. People don't have seizures for no reason. I've got to do something, I've got to get help or I'm going to die. I'm going to fucking die, Davey.'

He gave me a look then, a look that was so unlike him that I recoiled from it, pushing him away and jumping up from the bed.

All this time and I'd thought he didn't know. We'd never talked about it. He'd never asked me. And he'd certainly never looked at me like that. But it was there now and I wondered how I'd never seen it. I didn't know why I was even surprised, because if the rumours had followed Dan-E for most of his life, then mine had been bound to follow me too. That's how things worked in communities like this. Secrets thrived in the dirt and mire of the gutters. Secrets were as engrained in the bricks and mortar here, as was the crude graffiti and the stench of working-class rot. We kept secrets. Nurtured them. Even the most terrible ones, even the ones we dared not speak about. We just held them close and said nothing, but there was always a look, always something left unsaid that you could see in people's eyes. That poor girl, that poor, poor girl, they'd seem to say, and then they'd go back to talking about the weather, the fight down the boozer the night before, the fact that the council hadn't been round to collect the bins and the rats, oh god, have you seen the bloody size of those things.

I'd never seen it in Davey's eyes. Not once. Not until today.

I wondered how long he had known. How long he'd kept the secret from me. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to know if he'd worked out the truth a long time ago, because that meant he'd known about the overdoses and he'd dismissed it. He'd lied to me.

'I have to leave,' I said. 'I can't be here anymore.'

I moved towards the door, but Addi was there, blocking my way, panic in his eyes, although whether it was for me or for himself, I didn't know. Whirling around, I just stood there, wringing my hands. I felt jittery, caged. I had to get out. I had to.

'Case, babe, this is crazy,' Davey said, moving towards me.

I retreated and felt the push of Addi's hands in the small of my back, holding me there. Davey touched my face, stroked my hair, shot me a small nervous smile.

'I can't be here,' I said again. My heart thudded hard in my chest. 'Not anymore. I need to get better. I need to feel well.'

I needed reality. I needed to see it and feel it and know it was real and not some bloody mad, drug-induced hallucination. I needed to be away from the coke and the pills. As long as I stayed here, I'd be opening that drawer and swallowing it all down.

Swallow-snort-get high-repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

'Babe, listen to me, okay?' Davey said. 'Whatever happened today, I know it must have scared you. I know whatever happened on New Year's Eve must have scared you and I was a shit about it, I know I was. A right prize-fucking-tosser. I should have thought more about what you must have gone through and I didn't and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.'

His thumb brushed my neck, gently rubbing the soft, tender spot just behind my ear, a gesture he knew always did the trick.

'You're not sick, Case. You're not,' he continued. His voice was soft, soothing. 'You know what this is? It's a blip. That's all.'

'A blip?' I stuttered.

'Yeah. A blip. Or a bad batch maybe, who knows? It happens sometimes. But it's nothing to worry about and it's definitely not a reason to leave.'

He smiled again, wider, warmer this time. I loved that smile. I'd always loved that smile. Ever since we'd met, I'd always felt that if I could see that smile and just bathe in its warmth, then everything would be okay. I'd be okay. I'd be safe.

Davey planted a small kiss on my forehead. 'Look, tomorrow's a big night, yeah? One more night to get through and then we've got some time to recoup, but we need you tomorrow. I need you. Oscar's sending some of the fellas down and I need you to be there, by my side.'

'Oscar?' I frowned.

'Yeah. I know he gave you a bit of a hard time, but he likes you. You know that. And he wants tomorrow to be a success, so he's sending a few of his boys down to check it out and he'll want to know that you're there, doing what you always do, yeah? Looking like the best damn girl in Hackney and having it large. Can you do that for me? Just one more night?'

'Davey...' I trailed off.

'I swear to you, one more night and we'll get away from here, just like you want to. We'll have a holiday. We could go to the island. We could get Harry's boat. Spend our time, sunbathing on the deck, chilling out, whatever. Remember the boat, Ads? Top class, right?'

'Top class all the way, bro,' Addi said, behind me.

'Sounds great, doesn't it, babe?' Davey was massaging my neck again, small smooth movements that made me close my eyes for a second. 'Think about it. We can drink all the champagne we want. Sleep the days away, party all night. Just like we used to when we first met. Do you remember that summer? Fuck, that summer was the best of our lives, wasn't it?'

He was right. It had been the best time. I couldn't even remember being as happy as I had when I'd met Davey and Addi in Ibiza. It had been one of those life-changing moments. Like a thunderbolt straight from the sky and I'd felt it then. How right it felt. How good it felt. God, I wanted that again.

'Yeah, it was.' I smiled and took a breath and in that one breath I felt the sun on my skin, the warm sea caressing my ankles, Davey's hands caressing my back.

He chuckled, that warm throaty sound that always made the heat rise to my cheeks.

'See? That summer was everything. I'd give anything to relive it all again. Remember that first time we met? I was watching you dancing. I swear, I hadn't seen anyone so fucking beautiful in my whole life. I said that, didn't I, Ads? How beautiful Casey was?'

'Yeah. Yeah, man, you said that,' Addi said, thickly.

Davey brushed his lips on my cheek, kissed the tip of my nose. 'You're still beautiful, Case. Still my girl. I won't let you down again, I swear. I'll look after you. I'll always look after you. What we are we gonna do without you anyway? We'd be lost without you to hold us together. We're a family, you, me and Addi. Ain't that right, mate?'

'One hundred percent, bro.'

I turned my gaze to look up at Addi behind me, who moved his hand to my shoulder and squeezed gently, a soft pleading in his eyes. Standing between them, the two people I'd counted on more than anyone else in my whole life, I felt the erratic meltdown begin to ease, a slow relaxation of muscle, my heartbeat slowing. Despite everything, they were my family. My safety net. My haven.

Davey pulled me against him, and I pressed my face into the crook of his neck. It felt like sunshine. Like warm water. It felt like the best summer I'd ever had.

'Just one more night, yeah?'he said, wrapping his arms tightly around me. 'We get through tomorrow night and everything's going to be okay again. I promise you it will.'