CHAPTER 40: SHADOWS AND SINS

HAVEN'S POV

I was rouse of sleep when I heard the sound of the shower starting. I patted the space beside me and I forced my eyes to open when I felt that Allessio wasn't there.

I closed my eyes again, but not so I could go back to sleep but because I know where he's coming from. He's also showering again when we already showered before we went to sleep.

This is not the first time this has happened since we came home from the Philippines, but I hope this is the last.

I looked at the bedside table and saw that it was only almost two in the morning. I shifted to lie down on my back, staring at the ceiling while I waited for Allessio to finish his shower.

I was still doing that when Allessio finally came out of the bathroom.There was a moment of silence before I heard him speak. "You should have joined me."

I turned to my side and I pulled the blanket to cover my naked body. It's rare that I go to sleep with clothes on since I officially moved into his newly renovated bedroom. Or much better to say, our newly renovated bedroom.

"I already showered, and it's too cold."

The corner of his lips lifted as he slightly pulled the blanket down. "I have a solution for that."

I scrunched my nose at him and pulled the blanket back up again. If fucking is a sport, Allessio is already a Olympic gold medalist. All the lingerie he bought me are just for show since they always end up on the floor by the end of the night.

I scooted towards him, taking the blanket with me. He immediately enclosed me in his arms and hugged me tightly. I usually sleep like this or in a similar position. With me wrapped in his arms, or with me almost lying on top of him and using him as a pillow.

Allessio doesn't look like the kind of man who is into cuddling, but that's exactly what he is. It doesn't matter if I go to sleep first. I always wake up being surrounded by him.

"Allessio?"

I looked up at him, and I saw that his eyes were already close. I softly touch the fine hair on his chest, playing with it absentmindedly as I try to find a way to tell him what has been weighing on my mind these past few days.

"What is it, gattina?"

I didn't realize he's eyes were already open and he was watching me. I fully turn to lying on my stomach, then I put my arms on his chest so that I could lean on them. His lips tipping up in the corners, he reached for my long hair to play with it between his fingers.

"I don't want to make you mad," I admit.

"You never made me mad."

I scoffed. "You used to get annoyed at everything I did before."

"That didn't last long, remember? I was trying to resist your pull back then, but it was a pointless attempt." He kissed the ends of my hair, his smile hidden behind it. "You're like a snake charmer. A lion tamer. A devil whisperer."

I arched an eyebrow. "I thought you're claiming to be a god too?"

I yelped when he suddenly tugged me up, until I'm fully lying on top of him. The blanket slipped on my waist, and since I'm leaning forward on Allessio, my hair fell like a curtain around him.

He gently held my cheek, gazing up at me in a mixture of desire and awe. "You're a god's most precious angel. But I'm not that kind of god. I'm one that rules a place where shadows and sins dance together."

"I could still be an angel in that world. Even if it makes me a fallen one."

"You're not." He stroked my face tenderly. "You'll always be you. Light and perfect. Even with me beside you."

He sees me differently. He will always do, that's much I can tell. But I know that there is no way I could hold his hand, without letting the shadows touch me as well. I have long accepted that. I did the moment I decided to be with him. I can't be in two places at once. So I chose to stay right where he is.

But from the things I've seen, from all the pain and the ugly, I choose this. I choose the beauty he could give me, even if it means burning alongside him.

I know he will always put me in the part of his life that is not fully submerged in the life he leads. Just like he told me before, not everything he has is illegal.

But I know what he is, I know what he does, and that makes me a part of it no matter what he does. He also knows that. But I let him do what he think he has to do to keep my participation minimal because Allessio would always try his hardest to give me what was best.

Except to let me go.

"Are you going to tell me now what's on your mind, gattina?"

"Asher," I blurted out before I could think twice of it.

Just as expected, Allessio's face dimmed and I quickly rushed to explain. "I'm not thinking of him per se." I let out a heavy sigh. This is already a difficult subject to begin with, and I'm making it worse. "I'm worried."

His eyes flashed with anger. "That man doesn't deserve your worry—"

"About you. I'm worried about you." He made a move as if to put me back to bed, but I quickly straddled him so he had no choice but to look at me. "Allessio."

"There's nothing for you to be worried about. That man has broken fingers and two broken kneecaps. He's incapable of running away, let alone doing anything to me."

I pushed away the imagery that surge inside my brain. I know the possibility that could happen in the basement. I know that almost all of his men have been there, and I am aware that all of them want a shot against Asher for putting a hand on me and for attempting to do something that would have happened if not for Alexei Volkov saving me that one particular night.

"That's not what I'm worried about." I reached for his hand and I enclosed it with mine. His are too big against mine, but they fit together as if they were made for each other. "I hate that he's part of our lives, Allessio. I want it to be over. I want to move on without thinking about any of them anymore."

"Haven—"

"I'm dead. For the rest of the world, I'm already dead. That part of me—that life—it's no longer here. And Asher is part of that life. I don't want him to be part of the one I have now too." I tangled my fingers in his before I looked up and met his eyes. "I want to start living the life where there's only the two of us."

For a moment, he didn't say anything. He just looked at me as if all the answers in the world could be seen on my face.

I'm sure that Asher is currently begging for his life to end right now. Allessio doesn't want to make it easy for him, so he's dragging it. Knowing him, he's taking pleasure in whatever nightmare he's giving that man.

It's been just a week. He could make it last for months or years. But he doesn't need to. I don't want him to.

"I don't want to end it yet," he said through gritted teeth.

I smiled at him softly. "But you'll do it anyway."

There wasn't much that Allessio couldn't do for me. It was a power that I'm slowly learning how to wield.

I slit my body down and bit my lower lip when I felt a part of him touch the area between my legs. The fire in his eyes changed to the kind of fire that I like. His hand glided up my body, capturing one globe of my breasts.

"You're a dangerous minx."

I raised an eyebrow. "Moments ago, I was an angel."

"You could be both."

A moan fell from my lips when he reached for my hand and he brought it into his lips, playfully biting the inside of my wrist. "I'd give you everything. Do anything."

"I know," I whispered.

"But I really hate this one. I'm planning to extend his life until the next lifetime, so just I could make him miserable until then."

I grind myself on him and his other hand that is gripping my waist tightened. "Don't waste your energy on him when you can spend it on me."

"I always have more for you."

I lean down to brush my lips with his. "I don't like sharing. You spoiled me too much." I flick my tongue out to lick his lower lip. "You'd do this for me, right?"

His mouth crushed into mine for a hungry kiss that was was enough of an answer for me.

When we were both gasping for breaths, I pulled away a little. "You know what else you should do, Daddy?" When he grumbled as a question, I whispered in his ear. "You should donate his organs. Then there would be a balance, don't you think?"

He slightly moved his lips away from me, and I looked at him with questioning eyes. The look on his face tells me that he's seconds away from worshipping me at the same time that he wants to spank me. I wouldn't mind either way.

"What?" I asked.

"You're fucking perfect for me, gattina. That's what."

I COULDN'T HELP the my brows knitting together as I watched the couple walk away after introducing themselves. Allessio and I attended a party with his parents, and he's currently somewhere with his father while I was left with his mother.

"Sometimes it still makes me uncomfortable." I turned to Amaris, who just gave me a kind smile. "But most of the time I just pity them."

I get her point. I wouldn't think the people who just talked to us were married if they hadn't said so. The man treats the woman as if he's her secretary, while the woman acts as if she doesn't have her own brain and she's just following whatever the man wants her to do.

"It's more apparent if you meet the other capos. Even the retired ones," she said.

"I don't understand," I admit to her. "Why are they like that? As if they are more strangers than people who will spend years together?"

"Because most of them didn't want to be together. They're just bound by alliances. Most of the women didn't have a choice, while for the men, it's all part of the business." He shrugged and shifted his gaze in a certain direction. I followed her gaze, and I saw his husband and his son who as if feeling our gaze, looked back at us. "The Cascellas are different. No matter how dark their world is, their hearts remained untouched. The hearts they only give to those where it wanted to belong."

"We're lucky then," I whispered.

Amaris's eyes were full of the wisdom of a woman who had loved a Cascella for years. "You and I are the only ones who would say that. Not even those two will. It's our duty to keep reminding them that."

"Why?" I glanced at Allessio before I trained my eyes back to her. "Why don't they think we are lucky?"

"Because being with them comes with a risk. Even more so than the others." She tilted her chin towards the married couple we just talked to. "Love is a privilege in this world. Others would rather spend their lives with people they don't love so they won't have any weaknesses. There's not many that would waste a bullet on someone who wasn't even treasured to begin with."

I instantly understood what she meant. His husband and his son are the same. They couldn't hide the way they loved. They couldn't mask the way they care. Their love is their weakness, which makes the one who has their hearts a target for their enemies.

"Ezio loved his first wife. She would have been here in my place if she were still alive. Francesca, however... you know what happened to her, right?"

I nodded. "I know."

"He didn't love her, but Allessio is my son. He might be a capo now, but he's a good man. He's my boy, and I know that this life didn't change that fact. So even if he didn't love her, he cared. And that, no matter how small, was enough reason for others to hurt her. What more if it's as loud and evident as his love?"

She wasn't scaring me away. She was giving it to me because she knows that it's something I needed to know. Something that I needed to be prepared for.

I looked at where Allessio was once again. He glanced my way again, and his lips automatically curved into a smile. My heart swelled in response, beating so hard inside my chest.

My attention was only pulled away from him when I felt a gentle pat on my back. I found Amaris giving me a look that was full of tenderness that felt like a comforting embrace. For the first time in my life, I felt what it's like to be surrounded by a motherly warmth.

"You really should start calling me mamma." She gently patted my cheek. "Welcome to the family, cara figlia."