I knew it was him as soon as I saw him.

Of course, I recognised the spider web tattoo on his neck from when he had sent me the photo of it, but even without it, and considering there were many people with spider web tattoos on their necks, I knew it was him.

It was the strangest feeling when I walked up to him, as if my soul just clicked into place.

This is it. Your search ends here.

I had never believed in fate before, yet what were the odds that I would find myself in the position I was in, pressing my crotch against his ass in a Versace photo shoot? In that moment, I decided to believe the universe wanted to see us together. Or, at least, it wanted us to meet.

I held his hand as the elevator door opened, and we walked silently over the lush carpet in the corridor outside. I was happy he'd told me that he didn't know if he wanted to sleep with me; not because I didn't want to because, God, I wanted to, but because I was happy he felt comfortable enough with me to say something like that.

And I wondered how much of this hesitancy was because of H, as it was crystal clear Madara hadn't figured out he was me. I knew I should tell him, but something was holding me back.

"I have some nail polish." I was jerked back to reality by the man next to me speaking as we walked to his room. God, he was so beautiful. Tall, yet a head shorter than me, and slightly more muscle and fat on him than I had. "Maybe, we can paint each other's nails."

The suggestion was so sweet, I wanted to cry. It was made a hundred times more delicious by the fact that he blushed when he asked me, murmuring the question down into the floor as if afraid of rejection.

"Sounds lovely. What colours do you have?"

I never painted my nails, mostly because of my profession. But the expression on Madara's face when I displayed interest made me think that for this man, I would paint my nails every day, even if it would mean I had to remove it every day before work and let him re-apply it when I came back.

We sat on the floor. Madara put on a playlist.

"It's White Lies. This is one of my favourite songs. It's called Heaven Wait."

He had brought so many nail polish bottles with him, I didn't know where to begin.

"I have never painted anyone's nails before. What if it's to your satisfaction?" I asked, only half-joking.

"Then let's me start!" he said happily. "What design do you want? And don't give me one of those 'I don't know, you decide' excuses!" he added just before I said 'I don't know, you decide'.

But I saw it was important to him, so I considered each bottle.

"I like this matte dark blue", I said. "On one nail. And glitter would be nice on another. Maybe faded at the tips over the matte dark blue on a third. For the last two..."

"I do have some crystals", he said shyly.

I lit up. Crystals! On my nails! My boss would faint by the mere potential of bacteria assembly. The prospect of my boss fainting made me feel fantastic.

"Add as many as you can! Don't let anyone doubt my sexual orientation!"

He laughed and got to work. He filed my nails to a beautiful, cut-off shape that apparently was called "ballerina".

"Your nail beds are lovely", he complimented. "Makes your nails look long even if they're not."

I smiled at the compliment and thanked him.

As we sat listening to White Lies, Madara painting my nails, I took the opportunity to look at him while he was concentrating. God, he was cute. His brows were furrowed, and he was chewing the left side of his lower lip with his molars. He was bent forwards so much, his spine made a C-shape.

"How old are you?" I asked, even if I knew.

"Twenty-five." Of course, M. "You?"

"I'm thirty-two."

He stopped at this, for just the fraction of a second.

"Hashirama?"

My heart almost stopped. I couldn't hear the music anymore. Madara didn't look at me, kept putting glitter on my right index finger. His skin burned on mine, down to the skeleton.

"Mmm?"

"What do you work with?"

Time stopped. I didn't breathe.

"I'm a doctor."

He shivered. He stopped what he was doing, but didn't look up at me.

Then, he just nodded and kept painting my nails.

"Wow, thank you!" I said happily when he was done, inspecting my nails, trying to break free from the pressed atmosphere. "My turn to do you!" He jerked and blushed at my choice of wording. "Your nails, I mean", I teased.

"I know that!" he said defensively. "But yours haven't even dried yet, so keep tour pants on!"

I laughed heartily.

Madara stood up and went to the snack bar of the hotel room.

"Are you used to luxury hotels, Mr..."

"Mr Senju", I said.

"Mr Senju?" he finished his sentence. 

"No."

"Then I'll teach you the difference between a regular five star hotel and a real luxury hotel", he said and reached into the cabinet. "Five star hotels have a mini bar and snacks. A luxury hotel like this..." He took out a box of pralines. Like, really fancy pralines. "Has a bar and a pantry filled with everything your heart can ever desire. You're not on a diet, are you?"

I smirked at him.

Painting Madara's nails was fun. I had asked him what colour he wanted, and he had looked at me shyly.

"I want you to choose a design you think suits me. Based on what you've learned about me so far."

"Hmm", I said.

I liked choosing colours for him. His nails were long and beautifully stiletto-shaped, so applying the colour was a feast as well. I chose a metallic red base and then used some sparse black glitter to create a lace pattern. I knew I was quite artistic, so I was happy to see the result becoming quite neat.

But the best part was that he couldn't use his hands to grab pralines, so I had to feed him.

In between painting his nails, I chose a praline for him and fed him with it. He nibbled playfully at my fingers at each bite. Once, he even licked my fingers. At this, I looked up at him, and he blushed and looked away.

"Life is like a box of chocolate", I joked. "You know exactly what you get if you only take some fucking time to read the Goddamn label."

"Do you have a label?" Madara asked me softly.

"If I had one, would you dare to read it?"

Madara looked up at me then, lips slightly parted and glistening for me.

"I don't know", he whispered. "Let me try choosing one for myself by reading."

"Your nails", I said. "I think they're dry. I think you can pick them up yourself now."

He considered the labels carefully. Then, he chose an orange crisp one and picked it up.

And he turned to me, put the praline to my mouth...

I took it between my teeth, and he leaned forwards and kissed off the other half of it.

Then, he threw himself over me and started kissing me, mad with passion.

"Mmm", I moaned as I put my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to my body on top of me.

This is a dream. You are dreaming.

Kissing him was lovely. Indescribable. Forceful. I shut my eyes closed, pinching them together, afraid daring to look at the dream that was playing out in front of me would have the universe take it away from me. His hands... His lithe hands were everywhere, and he kissed me so desperately, as if he didn't know what to make of himself.

I love you, I wanted to say. I love you, but I couldn't because to him, I was just some guy he met at a photo shoot.

To him, I wasn't H.

"Calm down", I purred into his mouth instead. "Slow down, Madara. Let me enjoy your taste. Let me dance with you."

He slowed down. He looked down on me lovingly, and I dug my hand into his lovely messy cloud of a hairdo. 

"Hashi..."

"Good boy", I said. "It's better like this."

He jerked at the nickname, looked at me searchingly, and I wondered if his mind was wandering to H. 

Just tell him. You can just tell him now.

It wasn't as simple as that, though. I couldn't just tell him. Because H was anonymous, unknown, safe. He didn't even exist. I, however, existed. And with me came... Well, everything that was me. The reason why I couldn't be with a woman. The reason I was afraid to even be with a man. 

"Let me help you", he said, and he had a blush on his face that was so cute, it made me want to squeeze the life out of him. 

I didn't know what he wanted to help me with, but whatever it was, it apparently involved pulling my trousers down. Not that I minded. 

It was my turn to blush as he revealed me, and I wondered if he would have preferred if I shaved. He didn't seem to, though, as he started to kiss my thighs and climbed up closer and closer to me, me pulling my T-shirt down not to reveal my lightning bolts. There was still something in the way his body talked that gave a sense of hurry, that made me know he wasn't just desperate but needed something that he was afraid would pass him by if he didn't grab it fast. I had slowed him down with my soft words, but now, he didn't need to be slowed down; he needed to be encouraged.

And as I put my hand in his hair, he opened his mouth and took me in, the delicious combination of hot and cold of his mouth encompassing my entire soul.

I leaned my head back and moaned. Nothing, nothing went up to a blowjob done by another man, sorry ladies, and Madara was particularly exceptional. The creature in front me made the hottest sucking sounds I had ever heard in my life as he worked for me. I put my hand on his cheek, touched by his desire to please me. 

I love you. I love you so much. 

And I realised that I would die for this man. And even more importantly; I would live for him. 

He wasn't Madara anymore but M, fragile and vulnerable and needing me, with a career and a life so far from normality, I could never understand it, and I was H, taking care of M and letting M take care of me.

But I wasn't H and he wasn't M and we had so many secrets between us that were too heavy to breathe.

"Madara!!"

I had grabbed his hair at some point and now pulled his head back. He looked at me with a frightened expression on his face.

"God, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-" he began.

"Shh", I said, putting my finger to his lips. "I think... I think that's all I can handle. For now."

I could see disappointment in his face. Was it because he wanted more? Or because he felt used when I stopped him when it had been him who told me he couldn't sleep with me? But before I could speak up and assure him that it was nothing personal, he got up.

"Of course. Thank you for telling me."

I could tell he was uncomfortable, and my heart melted for him. 

"Can I..." I looked to the side. "Would it be too much if I asked you if I can stay?"

He looked at me as if surprised by my suggestion, that I wanted his closeness even if I couldn't fuck him. 

"Oh... I thought... I thought you didn't... You know, me..."

I stepped forwards and put my arms around him, and after some hesitation, he hugged me back.

"Madara, listen to me. I am violently and irreversibly in love with you."

"What..." 

"Don't judge me for it. Not yet. I will tell you at some point, but please, don't you ever hesitate when it comes to my feelings for you. Please. Let's go to bed."

I fetched my toothbrush from my hotel room, and we brushed our teeth together in companionable silence. I snuggled up in the big bed in a T-shirt and boxers and the scarf, not wanting to reveal the tattoos he knew so well since our video calls, but Madara stood next to the bed, hesitating. AT first, I was afraid he would ask me why I slept with the scarf, and searched my mind frenetically for a believable answer. But then, he spoke. 

"I kind of can't sleep with clothes on. Would you mind?"

Was he fucking joking? I eyed him hungrily as he undressed, and he actually managed to keep his eyes on mine. At the end of the incredibly sensual procedure, he even threw his T-shirt on me. I took it and bit it playfully.

His body was very warm, and I found it surprising for some reason that someone as submissive as him would be warmer than me, which I knew was ridiculous. Why would I be the one who warmed him just because I topped?

Wait, did I top? 

My body buzzed as Madara nuzzled close to my chest and started to doze off immediately. I kissed the top of his head over and over, and he made little happy noises until he finally fell asleep, minutes before me. 

The next morning, I would scare him away without meaning to.