december 3rd.

gold leaves shimmer on the sidewalk,
autumn breeze fluttering your hair as you walk down the street
next to me, hands in your pockets
wearing your sweater.

you glance up at me. "you look cold."
i don't disagree.
i watch as you pull off the sweater.
"here," you say
"it looks better on you anyways."

you hold out the garment, fingertips brushing mine
it sends a jolt through my very soul
oh, how i wish you knew
how i feel
about you.

alas, i know that it shall never be.

i feel the soft polyester caress my limbs
your scent enveloping me
like a blanket.

your eyes tear from mine, tearing my heart too
as you notice a girl
i recognise her from school.

"heather!" you call
she looks to you as we pass by.
she stops and pulls you aside.

now you whisper-
about what, i dont know
i dont care, really.
my heart aches all the same.

this is the happiest you've looked in a while,
i think to myself
you've got this joyous glint in your eye
(simply divine, i wish you were mine)
and she does as well.

i turn, oh how i wish i could stay
you don't look up
from where you are.
jealousy sits like a knife in my stomach.

the pain of a blade would almost be preferable to this.

i barely know her
but she seems nice
i can see why you like her so much
do i need to change?
i'll do anything for you, my love.
anything to make you want me
like i want you.

i can feel myself slipping.
drowning.
where's the surface? i need air
bubbles float from my lips
as the light goes dark.

i'd do anything for just a gasp, the smallest breath
of air, because you are the one thing
worth living for.
without you, my air, my life
i would just be a stone
sinking
in the depths of the river
of my anguish

i wish i were heather.

you're mesmerised
by her very being
like i am of you
her hair, like silk,
eyes, like the water we used to play in as kids
lips, a perfect cupid's bow
no wonder why you're so drawn to her. she shot you.

burning
my eyes, my heart, my lungs
as i suck for air
a sob ripping from my throat
i almost hope you don't hear
i don't want to get in the way of your happiness
my dear

i look back
you're leaning in
so is she
i can't watch.

i almost wish she were dead
because then maybe you'd notice me.
like me
like i like you.

no i don't.
she's an angel
how could I hate her?
trying not to hate her,
tryingtryingtrying-
it hurts
so much
please, my love, why won't you come back?

she breaks away from your embrace.
"you might wanna go check on him. he seems upset."
you twist your neck around to see me,
shoulders hunched,
trembling and shaking
in agony
like the golden leaves on the sidewalk.

you assume it's from the cold
you couldn't be more wrong
but with your arms wrapped around me, ohsotight
everything feels right.

no. this is wrong.
you like her.
not me.
i push you away.
"shouldn't you go hang out with your girlfriend?"
it comes out bitter.
i wish it didn't.

"she's not my girlfriend!"
you splutter
embarrassed?
in denial, maybe?
i dare not let myself think
you're telling
the truth
because how could you?
she's perfect
and i'm not.
i'm just
me.

"oh god, how could you think that?"
huh?
"she's like a sister to me!"
oh. i wasn't expecting that.

"but- but you- you kissed her, didn't you?"

"just on the forehead. to thank her."

"for what?"

"for giving me the courage to do this."

you cradle my head in your hands, tilt my chin up and kiss me hard.
woah-
this is better than i imagined
but how could you like me?
why would you ever kiss me?
this isn't you- it can't be you
you have to be high, or drunk,
or something
because the you i know
would
never
ever
kiss me

but here we are
your lips on mine
again, i can't breathe
but in a good way this time

before, i was drowning
now, i'm exhilarated
lost in the thrill of your mouth

i feel faint
but i don't want to pull away
luckily, i don't have to
as you pull away first.

breathless

i hear your ragged gasps
feel them on my face
on my nose

your breath in my face would normally make me cringe
but now?
it's a drug
better, even
and i'm addicted
slipping faster into your hold
but i never want to go

i love you. i only hope you feel the same.
i'd die for you.
that sounded lame-
but it's true
youre the reason I'm still here
without you
i'd have drowned
long ago.

my love,
you're the light of my life.
my star in the dark.
i'm a moth to your flame
always so near you
following you
wishing for you
but i can't come too close
or else i will burn.

i used to be afraid of burning
but now
it's beautiful.
the fingers of the flame licking towards me
my wings give one last flutter as i'm pulled in
to burn
in you
and that's okay.
i wouldn't want anything else.

our love
a fire
untouchable
as it should be.

my love,
thank you.
thank you for not letting me drown.
for pulling me up
breathing life back into my lungs
with our fiery kiss.
thank you.

i'm glad im not heather.