❝ Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. ❞
-James Baldwin

Lily wasn't supposed to fall.

At least, not like this. Not for him.

Back in third year, she swore to herself she would never even be friends with James Potter. He was annoying and selfish and full of himself. Never mind the way he and his friends had bullied Severus for years.

But as the years went on and all of them transitioned from kids to teenagers, Severus' true colours started to become more and more apparent. The people he associated himself with, the violent ideologies he subscribed to, the nasty things he and his Slytherin friends said about anyone who wasn't a pureblood. Suddenly the way the Marauders treated him didn't feel so undeserved after all, especially when he never passed up the opportunity to go after them just as often, using the kind of Dark Magic that made Lily's skin crawl when she thought about it.

Then came The Incident. She didn't like to remember it, much less talk about it, but for Lily, it was the last straw. She'd fooled herself into thinking that Severus would never, under any circumstances, say that word to her face. But he had. He did. She should've listened to Marlene and Mary when they warned her he was not a good person. However, what James did to him wasn't something she could excuse either. Fifth year came and went with a lot of drama and heartaches, but if there was one thing Lily knew was that she was done with boys. Especially these two.

But when sixth year came knocking, the redhead didn't expect it to bring along a change of heart for her. It came slowly, languidly, slithered its way into the crevices of her brain with such subtlety that by the time she realized that the way she felt towards James had changed, it didn't even come as much of a surprise.

It was his unwavering loyalty that did it for her-the way he always stood up for Peter when older students picked on him; the way he'd offered Sirius a home and accepted him as a brother when his own family disowned him for not carrying on in their footsteps; the way he'd gone through the extremely dangerous-never mind illegal-process of becoming an Animagus just to keep Remus company during his werewolf transformations, in a period of time when everyone feared and resented his kind.

These gestures made Lily's respect for James increase by tenfold. But more than that, they helped her see him in a different light. One she'd never considered because she was too preoccupied with hating his guts.

Then again, it would be a lie to say that she always hated him. That she'd never felt an ounce of attraction to him. That she'd never noticed how hazel his eyes were, how they lit up with pride when his team won a Quidditch match or the spark that flickered through them when he was in her presence. It would be a lie to say that she'd never found the way he ran a hand through his messy hair when nervous to be sort of, kind of, really bloody adorable. And the dimples that took shape at the corners of his mouth when he smiled. And his flushed cheeks when he ran up the stairs so that he could make it to Astronomy class on time.

Oh, she was in too deep. If only she saw it yet.

At first, it was just her label for him that shifted. James Potter went from 'insufferable' to 'tolerable', from 'annoying' to 'charming', from 'selfish' to 'selfless', from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'. Suddenly, it became bearable to be in the same room as him for more than fifteen minutes (something she began to look forward to, even). Suddenly, their conversations made her smile more than they vexed her. And suddenly, it bothered her to see girls flirting with him, even more so when he gave them the time of day in return.

Not that Lily wasn't grateful he stopped trying to impress her-in ways that had varied from irritating at best to borderline creepy at worst (though, frankly, that had been in his younger, more immature years)-but part of her missed being the only person James had eyes for. She always imagined that if the day ever came he would stop trying to win her affection, she would feel relieved. But when it happened, Lily was anything but.

It was then that it hit her. She liked James. As more than just a friend.

The epiphany made her panic at first. Him? Really, Lily? Him of all people?

It felt like a betrayal to her own self. This was never meant to happen. James Potter used to be someone she resented, someone she couldn't stand, someone she'd promised her younger self she wouldn't even be friends with. Not only did she break that promise without so much as noticing, let alone minding it, but now she'd crossed over to romance territory.

That was at first. But the longer she sat on it, the more it occurred to her . . . the past didn't matter. What he did, what she said, who he was or how she acted. By their seventh year, they weren't those people anymore. It wasn't just James (and Lily's opinion of him) that changed over the years. She changed too. He changed her. Just as much as she changed him.

Only once she finally embraced her feelings without shame, no longer trying to hide or repress them, did they begin to bloom, like a fragile flower when one starts watering it instead of repeatedly stepping on it. What started out as an attraction blossomed into something more. Something deeper.

Love.

This part happened not as slowly. Lily opened the door to the possibility of having feelings for James, and that was all the encouragement her heart needed to increase the intensity of said feelings. They developed, like a crescendo, at such an organic yet increasingly intense pace, as if falling in love with one another was the only logical route for James and Lily's story to take. While the first wizarding war waged on and the two teenagers, just like everyone else around them, found themselves lost and confused, their futures uncertain and the lines between friend and foe blurred, amidst it all, there was only one thing they were sure of. The one thing they never had to question or second guess. Their love.

In only a matter of years, James had become a treasured and vital part of Lily's existence, a necessity to her happiness, a person she needed in such a fundamental, humane level that Lily could no longer imagine her life without James in it, cliché as that sounded.

And in a twisted, bitter way, she was lucky that she never had to. Because just like all the beautiful love stories to ever unfold, theirs too met its own tragic end. An untimely end. They were twenty one. Their only son just a couple months' past his first birthday. But it was for him they lay down their lives, in an act of selfless sacrifice to protect him from meeting the same fate. Their love brought little Harry into the world; their love shielded him from the icy claws of death.

Lily wasn't supposed to fall.

But she did. She fell slowly, deeply, unexpectedly, unconditionally and completely in love with James Potter.

If she could press a rewind button on her life, in that short time she had on earth, there were mistakes she would unmake, courses of action she would take differently. There had been regrets, sure. Unanswered questions. Lingering 'what if's. But none of them involving James. The one thing she knew she did right, that she wouldn't change or take back even if she could, in a hundred different lifetimes or alternate versions of reality, was the decision to love him, and die for that love by his side.

One does not control who they fall in love with, when or why or how it all plays out. It happens when least expected. Against all odds. That's the way it happened to Lily Evans when she fell for James Potter. But love is more than a chance encounter and bigger than fate. Staying in love, watering one's feelings, committing to someone one wants to spend the rest of their life with, or however much of it they have-those are choices. And in her last breathing moments, Lily found a sliver of peace in knowing that she had made all the right ones.

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in my james potter brain rot hours so it's safe to say lily's thoughts were just my own. we're both james' biggest simps. i was aiming for smth poetic and profound so i hope this was successful? also i'd say sorry for going a bit hard on the anti-snape propaganda in the beginning but i'm actually not lmao, fuck that guy ❤️

obviously the 1975 song that's also the chapter title is perfect for this but also pls check out 'when i fell' by canyon city in the media box bc 💓💓💓

quotc: what's your hogwarts house?
a: gryffindor babeyy