Chapter Six

Regret

I can't help it but to still watch the empty corridors to our bedrooms in the second floor of our house now. Dito kasi ako madalas na hinihintay ni Stephen noon para makausap ako...

Stephen went back to his family already. At halos hindi na rin kami nagkita pagkatapos. Because when I started college I got busy studying and preparing for med school after.

Ang huling nagkita kami ni Stephen ay sa lamay na ng Mama niya... His mother died of sickness. At matagal na rin pala itong may sakit na tinago lang din sa mga anak niya. Kaya pagkatapos ay si Stephen na lang at ang kuya niya... Since their dad has left them a long time ago...

"Sigurado ka bang magiging maayos lang kayo ng kapatid mo?" I heard Daddy talking to Stephen's older brother.

Tumango naman ito sa kay daddy. "Opo. We will be fine, tito. May iniwan din naman po sa amin si Mama. Thank you, po." He said to dad.

"Sige, basta, hijo, kapag may kailangan kayo huwag lang kayong mahihiyang lumapit sa amin, ha?" Kinausap din ni Mommy ang kuya ni Stephen.

At sa huli ay tumango lang din ito kay Mommy.

Binaling ko ang tingin ko sa kay Stephen na nandoon lang din at matamlay... He's probably sad about his mother's passing.

And I understand kasi namatayan sila. But I didn't really know yet how he feels exactly right now. Even though my family also lost a loved one, noong nawala na rin si kuya sa amin. Pero tingin ko ay iba rin siguro ang pagluluksa para sa kapatid at para sa nanay mo na nawala na. It's probably not the same feelings for us...

Now Stephen is only left with his older brother at sila na lang dalawa. And I thought that how hard must it be for the two brothers?

I felt sad for Stephen. Gusto ko siyang lapitan at kausapin. I wanted to try comforting him. Pero tingin ko rin kasi nang mga panahon na 'yon ay hindi ko kaya o hindi ko alam kung paano, so instead I just stayed there hanggang sa nilibing na rin ang mama niya pagkatapos. I was just there all along and just watching him...

And then after that ay balik lang din muli ako sa pag-aaral ko. Hanggang sa naging sobrang busy na rin ako at sa medical school pa pagkatapos. I haven't seen Stephen that much after, and we also haven't talked to each other any more for a long time...

Kaya naman ngayon ay parang hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala halos na may anak o sariling pamilya na niya pala si Stephen. I haven't talked to him about it yet, pero tingin ko ay mukhang ganoon na nga siguro because it explains why he has Shiloh now, right?

It's not a bad thing, though.

Karapatan naman niya iyong magkaroon ng sarili niyang pamilya and it's his choice and he's free to choose it.

I sighed to myself after thinking about it now.

Pero hindi pa rin ito mawawala agad sa isip ko ngayon.

Ilang taon na nga ba ang lumipas?

Maraming mga taon na rin. So I can't expect him to be single for a very long time, right? Lalo na at magandang lalaki rin siya. At noon pa man nang magbinata na siya lalo na ay marami na rin ang nagkakagusto talaga sa kaniya.

Because it's just later on that I realized my true feelings for Stephen... At huli ko nang naamin iyon sa sarili ko...

I realized that regret is always at the end of things... Palagi nga naman talagang nasa huli ang pagsisisi gaya nga ng sabi nila. Kung saan kapag tapos na at hindi mo na rin mababalikan pa ang mga bagay na nangyari na.

If only I had communicated more with Stephen in the past. O kahit pagkatapos ay sana kinausap ko pa rin siya. But we all get busy with facing our daily life, right? Ang dami nating mga iniisip kahit para pa lang nga sa mga sarili natin. Tapos ay iisipin din natin ang iba pang mga tao at pamilya natin. At marami pang mga bagay sa mundo. We think about our studies, our careers after that. And then our day to day lives.

Ang hirap. Na minsan may mas mahalaga pa pala sana tayong dapat na inisip din. But we're already conquered with every day life. At ang oras natin ay nauubos na sa pag-iisip pa lang ng pang-araw araw na buhay. And I think that's reality. And then at the end we're only left with regrets because we weren't able to think of our other important matters as well. Kasi nauuna na palagi sa isip natin ang pang-araw araw natin na buhay. And some things just become less of our priority. Kahit importante rin naman sana ito.

Because most of the times ay nauubos na rin ang oras at panahon natin just by thinking about our needs. Kasi iyong mga needs naman talaga natin ang dapat na inuuna. But how about the things we truly want...

What about the things that could actually make you happy in the long run...

I think we sometimes put these things last on our list. Dahil inuuna natin iyong kung ano ang mas kailangan natin sa ngayon.

I got so busy with college trying to get my grades better all the time. At hindi rin madali na course ang medical technology. And I was pressured too by dad... And then after college I went to medical school right away. Sobrang hindi rin naging madali ang med school para sa akin.

At napunta na roon ang lahat ng focus ko. At halos nakalimutan ko na rin si Stephen, although I still think about him. Pero noon ay mas mahalaga lang sa akin ang bawat araw-araw na pagpasok ko sa mga klase ko para maging isang doctor.

And now it's too late...

And I doubt if Stephen even still remember that he once confessed his feelings to me before. Baka nga nakalimutan na niya iyon. At bata pa rin siya noon.

Ngayon naisip ko na wala na rin akong magagawa kung 'di mag-isip na lang din tungkol sa current na mga nangyayari.

I've been thinking these days, that if Shiloh is already 11 now. Then that means that Stephen had him when he was only 17 or 18? What a liar. I can still remember when he told me before that he has feelings for me. Pero ano? May nabuntis agad siya just the following years after confessing his feelings to me? What a jerk...

I still just can't help it thinking about things like this until now. Kasi naman!

Napakamot na lang ako sa ulo ko at nakaka-frustrate na rin isipin.

Naglalakad ako sa hallways ng malaking hospital ng Dela Cuesta Medical nang matigilan ako at mapahinto. Bumagal ang mga hakbang ko at rumahan. I was careful trying not to wake him up dahil sa medyo mag-iingay din na heels ng sapatos ko kapag tumatapak ito sa tiled floor ng hospital. At dito sa tahimik na corridors ngayon ng ospital ay makikita ko si Stephen na mukhang pagod at nakatulog na lang sandali roon sa isang upuan...

Lumapit pa ako sa kaniya. He looks tired probably from his errands here in the hospital.

Nakita ko pa lalo ang mukha niyang natutulog nang mas nilapitan ko pa siya. It's quiet here so he can sleep peacefully for a while. May matutulugan din naman kami rito sa hospital. Pero mukhang pinili na niya rito. And I suddenly feel like it brings back memories from the past.

I remember when I also saw him sleeping that day just outside our classroom when I was in the 10th grade...

And I think now that Stephen can maybe sleep just anywhere... Tsk. It's not always safe for him or for anyone na makatulog na lang sa kung saan. When we sleep we're defenseless, you know?

Although he looks adorable when he sleeps like this even here. I decided to wake him up.

"Doctor Guevarra." Gising ko sa kaniya at bahagya ko na rin siyang tinapik.

And then his eyes fluttered open... Napatingin din agad siya sa akin at gumalaw siya sa inuupuan niya na usually ay upuan din ng mga pasyente o kasama nila when they wait for their checkups in the clinics around here.

"Why are you sleeping here?" I asked him.

"Doctor Umali..." Bagong gising pa lang siya at inayos niya lang bahagya ang sarili niya. And then after that he stood taller in front of me.

Halos mapatingala naman ako sa kaniya sa harapan ko. "You shouldn't be sleeping here. May quarters naman..." sabi ko sa kaniya.

Tumingin sa akin si Stephen at tumango lang. He just woke up from his nap.

I looked at his tired face. Nakakapagod naman talaga ang pagdodoktor. So anyone shouldn't think that this job is just easy. Especially when you're just starting.

Pero palagi rin may kapalit ang paghihirap at pagsisikap mo. Because even when Stephen was just new he was immediately called a genius doctor at the Dela Cuesta Medical. At kahit mas senior pa ako sa kaniya, but when we had this big emergency in the hospital with a VIP patient and Stephen was involved, he was praised right after for his skills and talent even as a young doctor...

Ibang-iba sa kapalpakan ko naman bilang isa ring doctor...

And my father comparing me to Stephen, just made it even worse.

At parang nanumbalik na naman ang inggit at galit ko na noon pa sa kay Stephen... Even though I know that I shouldn't. Kasi ginagawa lang din naman ni Stephen ang trabaho niya. And it's not his fault for being so talented and almost next to perfection, kahit wala namang ganoon talaga. But he's done his job well. So I shouldn't really feel ill feelings towards him. But I still couldn't stop myself...

Maybe when a person feels miserable she finds someone to blame for her own misery...

And it's not good. But people aren't born perfect...