Chapter Five

Heart In Chaos

Stephen lived with us for a couple of years...

And those years he was at our home I only grew jealous of him. Parang katulad sa nararamdaman ko noon sa kapatid ko... Because they were always with dad. They get to spend more time with him. Habang ako kahit ano pa ang pagsisikap ko na mapansin ay hindi pa rin nababaling sa akin ang atensyon ni Daddy...

"It's almost graduation. How's your grades, Iris?" Seryoso na bumaling sa akin si Daddy.

Pero natuwa naman ako at agad na binigay kay daddy ang atensyon ko. Our family were once again having dinner in our home with Stephen nang punahin din ako ni Daddy. "Matataas po ang grades ko, Dad! I was just about to tell you to come to my school." I said, smiling. Bumaling din ako kay Mommy at nakita kong ngumiti rin siya sa akin. I smiled to my Mom, too.

"Good. You should have good grades to land on a better university in college." Daddy said.

Tumango naman ako at may sasabihin pa sana tungkol sa college na gusto kong pasukan pero nawala na agad ang atensyon ni Daddy sa akin. Bumaling na siya kay Stephen at ito naman ang pinuri niya...

Pinigilan ko na lang ang bibig ko at tumahimik na lang.

Stephen is in Grade 9 now. At consistent din na matataas ang grades niya sa school. While I'm on my 12th grade and my last year in high school before graduation.

"You're doing great, hijo. Ipagpatuloy mo lang iyan."

Napabaling ako kay Mommy at nakita ko siyang nakangiti na rin kay Stephen habang pinupuri rin ito.

And I know that my parents were just both fond of Stephen. Kasi siguro nakikita nila ang namatay nilang anak sa kaniya... Although Stephen was just so different with my then older brother. Medyo suplado kasi si Stephen minsan at makulit din talaga kapag gusto niya. While when I remember my brother I remember that he was just always gentle...

Pero inintindi ko na lang din ang parents ko. They just probably miss their son...

But I was still jealous. And I hated the attention that my dad had for Stephen. I hated Stephen...

But when Stephen already had to leave, that's when I realized na mamimiss ko rin pala siya... And I regret that I wasn't so nice to him when he was still with us...

"Where will you go to college? I've been meaning to ask you this." He said.

Bumaling ako kay Stephen na katabi ko ngayon sa loob ng sasakyan namin.

Tapos naalala ko na noong nakaraan pa sa bahay he's been wanting to talk to me, too. He would knock on my room's door but I would only answer him that I'm busy and that I don't have the time to deal with him...

Hindi ko na siya pinapansin kapag nasa bahay kami. Kumpara noong una na kakarating pa lang niya sa amin. Because I only grew jealous of him. Because he was more close to Dad than I am. At halos nagkukulong na lang din ako sa kwarto ko kapag nasa bahay at lalabas na lang kapag tinawag na ni Mommy para kumain.

"Why are you asking?" I asked him back a bit rudely.

I don't talk to him that much anymore, too. Compared noong bago pa lang siya sa amin. Parang nga...gusto ko na lang siyang umalis sa bahay namin...

And now we're inside the car at hindi ko naman siya basta na lang maiiwasan because we're so close to each other now just both sitting here at the backseat.

Mukhang natigilan din si Stephen at nakatingin na lang sa akin. "Iris... are you mad at me?" He asked me when he noticed.

Pero umiling pa rin ako sa kaniya and I was ready to deny it. "No. Bakit naman ako magagalit sa'yo? Is there a reason for me to get mad at you?" I shot back at him.

Nakatingin pa rin sa akin si Stephen at hindi niya ako sinagot.

I sighed. "Why do you still keep on asking me things? Or things about me? It doesn't concern you anymore, Stephen. Hindi naman talaga tayo totoong magkapatid. At nakikitira ka lang sa amin." I said.

Naisip ko rin sina tita. Ang Mama ni Stephen at may kuya din siya. Although Stephen also visits his mom and brother din naman kapag weekends or breaks usually. But they agreed na sa amin na muna si Stephen. Maybe because naiintindihan din ni tita ang pangungulila ni Daddy sa anak niyang namatay...

Kaya pinahiram na lang muna nila sa amin si Stephen...

"I just want to know, Iris..." Stephen said quietly.

Nanatili pa ang tingin ko sa kaniya pero iniwas ko na rin. And I just sighed again to myself. I hate him. Iyon ang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya dahil pakiramdam ko ay inaagawan niya ako ng Daddy...

Pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasan minsan na maawa rin ako sa kaniya...

That's why I feel like my heart is just always put in chaos with him...

Because to be honest and I know it in myself that aside from the hate I can also feel other feelings for Stephen...

Kagaya na lang ng nag-c-care din naman ako sa kaniya sa totoo lang, even if I say to myself that I hate him I still care for Stephen, too. He's still a good kid. At bukod sa pagiging makulit niya noon ay wala naman talaga siyang ginagawa sa akin. It's just me and my jealousy...

"I don't know yet." Sa huli ay sinagot ko na lang din ang tanong niya sa akin kanina. "Hindi pa ako talagang nakakapag-decide." I said. Iyon din naman ang totoo. At minsan ay nakakawalang gana rin mag-isip kapag hindi ko naman maramdaman ang suporta or enthusiasm din sana ni daddy sa akin at sa mga gusto kong gawin na para rin naman sa kaniya.

"Your graduation is fast approaching, Iris." Stephen said.

Bumaling muli ako sa kaniya rito sa loob ng sasakyan. "Yeah..." Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko...

Stephen remained looking at me. And then he smiled gently to me. "Iris," tawag niya sa akin.

"Yes?"

"What would you like for your graduation?"

Nanatili rin ang tingin ko sa kaniya. At sa huli ay hindi ko na rin napigilan ang sarili ko na napangiti. Napailing na lang din ako sa sarili ko. "Are you asking me what I want as a graduation gift from you?" I asked him.

Tumango naman agad si Stephen. "Um-hum. What is it?"

"Hmm." Napaisip din naman ako sandali and I even touched my chin as I think about it. "Whatever." I said.

"What?"

I just smiled to Stephen. "You can gift me anything for my graduation. And thanks in advance." I said, smiling.

At nakita kong ngumiti na rin sa akin si Stephen. At naging okay na rin ang mood sa amin hanggang sa makarating at makauwi na kami sa bahay.

I appreciate his effort of thinking of a gift for me for my graduation as early as this time.

And then it came to my graduation day. Um-attend naman pareho sina Mommy at Daddy. I wasn't valedictorian dahil mas may magaling at matalino pa sa akin... And I wondered if Dad was disappointed... Binigay ko na naman lahat ng best ko. Grabe na ang pagsusunog ko ng kilay sa pag-aaral para lang makakuha ng matataas na marka. Still I graduated with honors, though. Ganoon lang talaga. Hindi ikaw ang palaging bida... Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Dahil palaging may mas magaling at talented pa sa'yo... At least this was what my Mom told me before.

At nandoon din si Stephen na sumama kanila Mommy at Daddy para um-attend ng graduation ko.

I was still happy to graduate and thankful to my teachers and classmates for my experience in high school. At sigurado akong mamimiss ko rin na high school pa ako once I go to college.

After attending the march and ceremony, umuwi na rin kami nina Mommy at Daddy, and Stephen to celebrate just after my parents had thanked my teachers and the school principal, too. Na kinausap din si Daddy dahil mukhang magkakilala na rin sila sa kay kuya pa dati... Who was also a bright student and once the pride of their school, too.

"Is it really all right with you, Iris? Na sa bahay lang tayo? We can also eat outside in restaurants, you know."

Bumaling ako kay Mommy at umiling na habang naghihintay kami doon at may kausap pa si Daddy sa school ko. "It's all right po, Mommy. Nakapagluto na po kayo, 'diba? Alam ko maaga rin kayong gumising kanina. Okay na po ako, Mom. Thank you po." I smiled to her.

Ngumiti rin sa akin si Mommy.

Pagkatapos ay nakauwi na rin kami sa bahay at nag-celebrate ng pagtatapos ko sa high school with my parents and Stephen. May binake pa nga na congratulations cake para sa akin si Mommy kaya natuwa rin ako sa effort niya.

Daddy didn't asked me what I wanted for finishing my high school... At pagkatapos kumain ay nagpaalam lang din siya na magpapahinga na muna sa kwarto nila ni Mommy...

While Mommy gave me her graduation gift na isang mamahalin pa na bag. I smiled to my mom and thanked her.

"You're welcome, anak. Sige kami na rito sa kusina. Magpahinga na rin muna kayo ni Stephen sa mga kwarto ninyo." Mom said.

Sumunod na lang din ako pagkatapos.

But Stephen waited for me in the corridors of our bedrooms on the second floor of our house where he would usually wait for me to talk...

"Stephen,"

"This is my gift for you." He handed me his gift. "I asked your mom what you would probably like as a gift. She said and I also noticed that you liked jewelry... So I hope you like it." aniya.

Binuksan ko naman ang paper bag na lagayan ng gift niya para sa akin. And when I opened more inside I saw that it was a pretty Pandora charm bracelet... That he probably earned from his school allowance. Since sabi rin sa akin ni Mommy na hindi raw palahingi ng pera sa Mommy niya si Stephen.

Napangiti naman ako agad sa binigay sa akin ni Stephen. He's right I really do like personal ornaments... I always go out of the house with a necklace, ring, or bracelets that I usually wear with me with also my uniform on. Since I just usually go to school dahil halos school at bahay lang din naman ako.

"Thank you." I said and looked at Stephen.

"Do you want to wear it now?" Stephen asked me.

Tumango naman ako sa kaniya at ngumiti. "Sure."

And then I let him help me put the bracelet on. I smiled after. "Thank you..." I said as I watched the pretty bracelet around my wrist now.

Nang tingnan kong muli si Stephen ay seryoso na siyang nakatingin sa akin.

"Iris, will you promise me that you won't forget about me when you go to college? I want you to be aware of my feelings now so that you'd remember..."

"Wait!" pagpapatigil ko sa kaniya dahil parang biglaan na lang ang mga sinabi niya ngayon sa akin. "What are you talking about—What do you mean?"

He looked at me like he's shy but with bravery on his fair face. "I like you, Iris..." He said.

Unti-unti namang umawang ang labi ko at hindi iyon agad na nag-sink in sa akin.

Although I feel like I have already an idea even before... I think that I was aware of his feelings at parang naramdaman ko na rin iyon kay Stephen. But I couldn't be too sure... With his actions and his words now... Umiling pa rin ako.

"No." I heartlessly answered him back.

"What..."

Umiling ako kay Stephen. "You can't like me, Stephen."

"Why not?"

"Because..." I felt conflicted at the moment. The disarray and chaos that I have felt within my heart was here again. Humugot ako ng isang paghinga.

"Do you like someone..."

Agad din ang naging pag-iling ko kay Stephen. "No... But!" I think I was already panicking.

"But?"

Umiling ako. "I don't like you either..." I just said it to him without much thought about it, and about my own feelings as well...

Nakita kong bumaba ang mga balikat ni Stephen. Pero hindi ko na nabawi pa ang sinabi ko sa kaniya...

Because my heart... had always been in chaos...