ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ'ᴠᴇ ᴛᴏʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ɪ'ᴅ ᴀᴅᴏʀᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ, ɪ ꜱʜᴏᴜʟᴅ'ᴠᴇ ᴛᴏʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ʀɪɢʜᴛ ɴᴏᴡ, ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ɪᴛ ᴡᴀꜱ ᴀ ᴛʜᴜʀꜱᴅᴀʏ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ ꜰᴏᴜɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴏᴜᴛ.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

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Trigger warning: Grief; Loss 

"Yashna?" I found myself in front of one of the other people that chose to talk to me, and it was almost painful to realize that she might never speak to me again. The mind I lived off of worked exactly like this, and it was a no brainer. All I had to do was listen to what she had to say, and feel shit about myself for the rest of the day as if I wasn't already doing that.

Great.

"Avery. I just wanted to say something." The tone of her voice was enough to tell me everything I needed to know. She was obviously angry at me, but I didn't know the extent of her anger. It was purely understandable, of course. I had already learnt to understand things from other people's perspectives because not everything was about me...

But, apparently, I made everything about me, so maybe I wasn't looking at things from other people's point of view.

Maybe I was overthinking this.

"So, Kyran told me what happened." She bit her lip, and hesitated. I wanted to ask way too many questions. Did he tell her the whole story? Or did he give her half-baked versions that satisfied his ego, and drowned me in the process?

"Alright." There was nothing more I could say.

"He might have lost his chance to his dream college." Yashna fiddled with her fingernails, and it was hard to tell whether she was accusing me of something, or decided to just cut me off from her life entirely.

I wouldn't be surprised.

"I don't know what you want me to say." It was true. I genuinely didn't know if she expected some apology from me, so I needed her to be clear and not mince her words.

Yashna sighed, her eyes narrowing slightly as she awkwardly stood there in front of me. "I just wanted to understand, Avery. You two were so close, and then everything fell apart. You know how important this was to him."

The most horrid part of this was the fact that Kyran felt it right to blame me for it. He was a star football player, and suddenly, it was my fault that he messed up a game. Before my mind started spewing some more thoughts on how it was just so easy to put the blame on women, I answered Yashna.

"It's not that simple, Yashna. I didn't do anything that would intentionally hurt Kyran. Did you know he told Caleb about my shitfest of a home life? Yeah, he made a spectacle of it. Don't you think that warranted some sort of talking to? Yeah. I didn't walk onto that pitch and break his leg."

It wasn't easy—bottling up emotions, even though molten lava was erupting inside me. It really wasn't. I didn't need one more person to tell me that I'm the cause of every problem in their lives. I had enough of that already.

She crossed her arms, a skeptical look on her face. "It just seems like bad timing, didn't you think? Right before his game? It seemed to me like...you wanted to sabotage my brother."

"Are you fucking serious, Yashna? What would I achieve if I sabotaged Kyran's way to Notre Dame. Just think about that. Okay? The bad timing was bad because your brother decided to reveal my private life to everyone in the school. If I did that to him, that would be sabotage. What happened at the game is not my fucking fault, okay?"

My heart sank at her words. She was one of the people who supported me, and liked me for who I was. But it was short lived because blood is obviously thicker than water. Even though they didn't share the same blood, and I wasn't in the wrong.

Yashna's expression softened, but only slightly. "I hope you're right, Avery. For both your sakes. You need to find a way to fix this. Kyran...I would rather not see the Kyran he was after he broke up with you again."

"Wh-What?" I spluttered.

"I know about you dating Kyran two years ago. After...he wasn't a great person to be around. Always cranky, stuck in his room...Yeah. That was not fun."

"Why don't you go ask Kyran to fix this. Because from where I'm coming from...I'm not the one at fault. It just seems like your brother doesn't want to admit that it's his fault."

"Avery. I'll see you around."

I nodded, though I wasn't sure what she meant by it. I didn't know how to fix anything anymore. The damage was done, and it felt irreversible.

Just as I was about to walk into Econ, with frustration and sadness tightening in my chest, I heard my name being called over the PA system.

"Avery Turner, please report to the front office. Avery Turner to the front office."

A sharp surge of anxiety ran through me. Did Kyran already talk to his aunt? Was she going to fire me now for allegedly ruining her star player's chance to go to college? If Ms. Walton wanted me, she could've just asked me during my shift but this must be serious. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself, and made my way to the reception area that was so familiar to me.

When I arrived, Ms. Walton looked at me with a somber, unreadable expression. "Avery, there's a call for you. It's your mother. She says it's urgent."

I took the phone, my hands trembling. Usually, the word 'mother' signified love, and a sense of happiness. But for me, even hearing the word shattered something inside me, and it hurt more knowing it wasn't supposed to do that.

"Avery," my mother's voice cracked on the other end. She was crying. She was crying, and trying to control herself. She was failing. "My mom is dead. She's gone."

It just took those few words to break my mother. She wasn't on speaking terms with her mom at all, and she didn't want to talk about her parents at all.

But she was her mother.

She raised her.

She also raised me, when my mom couldn't.

The world seemed to tilt off its axis, and I had to grip the edge of the desk to steady myself. My grip was ironclad on the phone, and I was ready to break it. Something was rushing through my head. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. This was something I had to deal with in private, but it was the entire universe falling down on me, and nothing was helping me hold it up.

My grandma. Gone. The one person who made me feel loved for the initial parts of my childhood was gone. My vision was blurred. I pushed back the tears, and reminded myself that this was not the place for this.

I didn't talk to her for at least a year.

Last time I talked to her, she wanted to see me.

I didn't have the permission from my mom to see her.

"Mom? Do...I come home now?" I stammered, not sure about anything anymore. Normally, I would stall my return home but if I wanted to cry, I couldn't do it in school.

"No. Don't miss classes."

I handed the phone to Ms. Walton who looked at me with sympathy in her eyes. Did she know how much I was going through? Did she know how many things were threatening to stab my mind?

Numb.

I made my way back to Econ. Ms. Anderson nodded when she saw me walk in. She must have heard the PA announcement as well. She didn't ask me how I was. The only thing that hurt most was my mom. She didn't think that grief would affect me too. She thought that one day of my classes was more important than crying my heart out for the person who actually cared about me.

If I didn't stop thinking about this now, my brain was going to stop working.

A fresh wave washed over me again, drowning me in the submerging water. Kyran, Yashna, work, my mom—it all seemed insignificant. I felt more alone than ever. It couldn't get worse than this.

The one last person who loved me was gone.

"Ms. Anderson, sorry. Can I use the bathroom, please?" I knew she was confused, and probably skeptical, but she nodded.

I never walked out of a classroom faster.

Once I was in the hallway, I made a beeline for the nearest bathroom. This was the second time I had to cry in a bathroom of all places. This time, it was worse. Every single day was getting worse.

The tears I had been holding back finally broke free, streaming down my face.

I only had a few memories of my grandmother. Her warm hugs, the way she always had a piece of advice, the stories she told me about my mom as a child...

She used to cry that both my parents left me with her. She used to cry that they hadn't gotten the chance to see me for eight years. I never cried though, because, I had her.

My grandfather was amazing too, and it hurt a lot when he died from cancer two years ago. But not as much as this. It almost felt like the universe and everything in existence was against me. It was like it all happened because of me. To hurt me.

It wasn't even nice crying; it was ugly. It was an echoing sound, and it wasn't pretty.

How was I supposed to...do anything?

It felt like an eternity. If I stayed inside any longer, people would come in. I was not going to deal with people today. Not today. I unlocked the stall. I walked over to the sink. splashed cold water on my face. The mirror was telling me everything. My eyes were red, swollen and I looked sad. Ugly.

I exited the bathroom and I found myself facing two, no, three people I didn't want to see today.

Not. Today.

Absolutely. Not.

"Uh, hi Avery," Max said, and I gulped. I had to answer but if I did, it'd just sound like a choke.

"Hey," I whispered. I needed to get my stuff. Would they stop me if I chose to run?

"How have you been?" Max asked. I knew he was just trying to be polite. He was the complete opposite of Kyran, and I was staring at their shoes. I was not going to look at them. Nope. Yashna's sneakers for this morning were right there, and it made me wonder what their mid-class meeting was about.

Me? Maybe.

"Avery! We were just talking about you." Yashna's chirpiness knew no filter, and she realized that was probably the wrong thing to say a bit too late. Kyran stepped on her foot.

"Were you...crying?" He Who Must Not Be Named asked. Of course, he noticed. That fucking asshole. Of course, he did.

"No."

"You were."

"Is it really that difficult to mind your own business? I was not. And even if I was crying, why do you care?" I snapped viciously.

"I just...I've never seen you like this."

"Oh, really?"

Was he having flashbacks of my breakdown in front of the locked door?

Max clapped his hands. "Oh-kay. You guys clearly need to talk."

"We talked. We came to a resolution that I was the most selfish person in the world. Does that clear things up for you two? Or...did Kyran not tell you about that?"

I looked up for the first time. I wasn't going to look at him, and instead, I watched Max glare at him.

"No. He didn't tell us that."

"Right. I thought so. It seemed like you wanted to make it seem like I blocked you from scoring in the middle of your prestigious game."

"Dad was really angry with him," Yashna said, her voice lowering.

"Yashna," he hissed.

"Um, guys. This is not going well. Can you guys talk to each other without blaming each other for your problems, please?"

"Okay, Mr. Mediator. What do you suggest we do? Set up a trial so we explain our cases and see who's guilty?"

"Look, Avery," He Who Must Not Be Named started, his voice uncharacteristically soft. It was like he was allowed to be angry at me, and then be nice, and I had to just be okay with it. "I know things are messed up right now. But I never meant for you to feel like everything is your fault. No one remembers the chat that Caleb sent anyway. It's all about me and Notre Dame."

I scoffed. "Do you...even realize how ridiculous you sound right now? Seriously? You said everything was my fault, and that I made everything all about me. And, for some fucked up reason, I told you what I was going through because you asked and suddenly, you use it against me. But of course, your dream college, your dad's anger is all my fault."

There were no more tears left in me for him. I was not wasting it on him.

"...And if I ever told you why I was crying just now, it would just be me, making everything all about myself again."

His eyes flickered for a second, and that stupid concern was on his face again. "What do you mean?"

"No. I'm not doing this right now. Especially not with you. I don't need your pity."

I moved past them to walk, but he grabbed me by the arm.

"I won't do that. Just tell me. Please."

I hated him so much. I fucking hated him.

I took a deep breath. "My grandmother who raised me and actually cared about me died today. My mom just told me over the phone, but I can't take the fucking day off. On top of that, I've got Yashna telling me how I planned a sabotage of your game, and you telling me that I was the most self-centered person in the world. So forgive me if I don't want to play nice right now."

Yashna's hand flew to her mouth, and she looked really, really guilty. I almost felt bad for telling them but they asked. Well, Kyran asked.

"Avery, I'm so sorry," he said. "I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't," I snapped. "You were just too busy blaming me for everything that went wrong in you life."

"Av—"

"Actually. Kyran, you know what? I was doing pretty great when you weren't in my life. So, maybe you should just stick to the people who don't make everything about themselves, yeah?"

"Avery. You have to—"

"Just leave me alone, Kyran. You've done it well for a year and a half. It really isn't that hard to do it again."

Max, ever the peacemaker, nodded. "Come on, guys. Let's give her some space."

"Yeah, I would like all the space in the world. Please do not burden your lives with someone like me. Please, and thank you."

I felt great.

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Hello my lovelies,

I am alive and here with another chapter. I had one of those stressful weeks where I was in the process of processing everything and was a bit overwhelmed with everything. But thankfully, I am feeling better and now, I am back in action!

This chapter was super angsty and painful. I cried a little while writing it, so I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. If you did, as always, please leave a vote and comment.

That's all for now,

Dree.