18 | trapped inside
"ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴀɴ ʜᴏᴜʀ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀꜱʏʟᴜᴍ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇʏ ʀᴀɪꜱᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ."
︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵
⋆·˚ ༘ *
"There's a huge difference between you and your sister," my mother recalled that Friday afternoon where we were watching the television as a family, and there were no arguments or mood-swings to cause an uproar.
My eyes were glued to the screen as I waited to find out her reasoning behind why she liked Eliza more. "You care about everyone else more than us. Your family. Your sister isn't like that. She cares about me and you, and you don't even like her."
I sighed inwardly, avoiding eye contact with her as I took a sip of the juice that was next to me. Eliza was on the other side of the room, straightening every piece of furniture in the room.
"Eliza, get back here and sit down. Watch with us," my mom called out as Eliza ripped open the pack of wipes and started wiping down the already clean table.
"No, I have to do this first."
I watched as my sister kept angling the furniture next to the living room, her eyes concentrated on the task at hand. I was convinced this wasn't normal behavior. I knew deep inside that there was something wrong, something in my sister's life that I never understood. Although she was my mom's favorite, there were parts of her that we didn't understand.
My mom didn't take it well when I mentioned that.
I grew up knowing and understanding that everyone had problems. For someone living with such broken pieces, there was no way I could sugarcoat others' struggles. But I could hate them for hurting me. I will always hate them for never trusting me.
If you hurt me once, I'd never forget it.
Every time that I was compared to another kid, or treated differently, I'd feel like something was digging into my heart. Or somewhere in my chest. It'd be like I couldn't breathe because my airway was disconnected and malfunctioning.
I didn't have to know that my mom thought that every single person in this entire world is better than me.
But, what other opinion did I have to believe in?
Maybe she was right. Maybe I could be better. Maybe this was all my fault.
It hurt.
It hurt and I couldn't tell anyone. It really fucking hurt.
"Eliza, that's enough," my mom said, gesturing to the middle of the couch that was usually Eliza's seat. My mom didn't really like sitting next to me, unless she was mad at Eliza. Which says a lot.
I watched as Eliza washed her hands and grabbed the popcorn bowl on the table, sitting in between me and mom.
"Mom, why doesn't Avery sit beside you?" Eliza asked innocently, and I wanted to glare or even punch her with my eyes. What a shame...
My mom's eyes didn't leave the screen and I was mildly surprised at her attention span, but then again, her drive and determination were admirable. It's just she's a miserable and controlling woman which makes her unredeemable.
"We don't feel the same connection with each other," she replied, "Avery spent nearly half of her life with Grandma and Grandpa so she's closer to them than me."
Eliza nodded, her eyes turning to me for a moment. Was it pity? Or was it simply just a reminder that she would always be the one that mom loves?
I concluded that it was a pretty mixture of both.
God, why don't you just burn her in hell?
I was evil. I was the most horrible person in existence because I wanted her to genuinely disappear. I wanted her gone. I wanted...
Gone.
I finished the last popcorn kernel. "Mom, I have to do an assignment."
"Fine," she shrugged, "I'm going to come in every once in a while. You better not be talking to anyone. You said you're going to do an assignment. So, do your assignment. That's it. No detours. You have to teach her chemistry as well."
I nodded since this was the only response my brain automatically registered. It was ingrained now. The silent, monotonous nod that was the expected answer for everything.
I went upstairs.
I set up my laptop and my notebooks on the desk and logged into Instagram from there. There was technically only one person who would possibly message me.
Of course he did.
I sighed, my eyes closing for a brief moment. I understood what he wanted. It was blatantly clear that he wanted to try again. For him, this was a masterplan. For me, this was a danger zone.
Not because I didn't like him. But because of everything that comes with it.
Just under the pretense we were dating, there were people making snide remarks about me. They were criticizing me. They had reasons to believe that I was a manipulative bitch. It was so easy for him.
Nobody in this entire world likes me.
Apart from him.
And that in itself scared me.
Why did he like me? Why did he see me that way when no one else did? When the entire world was going to go against me, why did he feel that I was the damsel in distress that he needed to save?
My mind was going to explode. My heart was going to explode.
I opened my notebook and started completing my assignment. In there was a folded piece of paper that brought back the memories again. The A was nothing to be ashamed of, especially considering the fact that I was on the verge of crying when I was writing about Lady Macbeth's lack of autonomy in society.
Even then, they blamed her for everything.
What a lovely thing to do!
I was jealous that Kyran got an A+ because it should've been me. I continued typing, but the folded piece of paper lay on desk, taunting me with its presence. I hesitated, leaving it there, but eventually, curiosity got the better of me. If I was going to spend my time staring at it, I might as well read what Mr. Sherman wanted to tell me. I unfolded it slowly, revealing a neatly written message just on top of the page.
"Hey, Everly. You're going to punch me if I say this to you in person, but I just wanted to know if you wanted to come over to my house for the weekend? Take care, okay? - Kyran."
First, he looked at my test without my permission and he even graffitied it with a note which could've simply been conveyed through a text. Rolling my eyes, I got up from my seat and caught a glimpse of my mom and my sister. They were fully engrossed in the movie, and it didn't look like they were going to come upstairs any time soon.
Might as well take the risk.
He picked up in record time. 3 seconds, I believe.
"Guys, just a sec. Talking to Avery," he whispered and someone groaned.
"I still can't get over how you got the-" his friends whined, before Kyran's voice bellowed through the phone.
"Avery! Hi. What's up? Do you um, need something? Or?" he stuttered and I sighed in annoyance.
"No. Just wanted to know why you graffitied my essay."
"Graffitied your what? Oh! The essay. Um, so are you down to come over?" he asked, completely ignoring my question. "I was thinking of having a small party with friends and stuff."
"You're dodging my question." I frowned. Why was he so insistent on avoiding the topic? It felt like he was deliberately trying to sidestep the issue.
"Ave, are you really mad at me because I wrote a small note on your essay with a pencil?"
"No, I'm not coming over for a party," I reiterated, my voice tinged with annoyance. He enjoyed getting on my nerves, didn't he?
"Who's dodging the question now?" he asked and I knew he was grinning right now. It was almost contagious, even if I couldn't see it. It was so difficult to master the art of not smiling when Kyran Drake was around.
"No party."
I didn't hear his response, because at that very moment, the almost closed door of my bedroom opened and my phone jumped from my fingers in the matter of seconds. I immediately grabbed the pencil in my hand in what seemed like nanoseconds.
"Avery. Were you talking to someone on the phone?" my sister asked and I wanted to jump with joy that it was Eliza and not my mother that showed up. However, this was still dangerous.
"No, I wasn't," I lied.
"But I heard some voices from your room just now," she pressed and I didn't hesitate.
"I was practicing for a language oral presentation for my drama elective. What do you want?" I snapped, my eyes on the piece of paper in front of me.
"You need to help me with math," she said nonchalantly and I resisted the urge to react. It wouldn't go down very well.
"Can I finish my work please? It's due tomorrow."
Despite the fact that my mother hired math tutor for my sister, I was still wasting my time teaching her stuff that she doesn't bother about. A waste of my time.
"Fine."
With that, she left the room but the door was still wide open. Cursing under my breath, I left a bit of the door ajar and got back to my desk. I needed to be more careful.
That's when I realized I never hung up on Kyran and he was still listening on the phone. I cleared my throat, hoping to catch Kyran's attention. "You could've hung up..." I started, my voice lowering to a whisper as I glanced nervously towards the slightly open door.
Kyran laughed on the other end of the line. "We never finished our conversation. Why would I hang up?"
Kyran was a huge asshole when he needed to be but he wasn't with me. He was nice, and that was such a stark contrast between him and the rest of the world. While most people seemed to judge and misunderstand me, he saw something worth caring about. It was both comforting and terrifying at the same time because one day, he'll be gone.
And then the door between us will finally find meaning.
No. Correction. I built that door between us and kept trying to lock it as he kept trying to barge in.
One day he'll grow tired and stop trying to get in. Then, it'll hurt much less because the door was there in the first place.
If I let him inside, the moment he walks out will hurt like hell. The only thing I'm entirely convinced of is the impossibility of the both of us.
"Avery. Party. Please?" he pleaded and I was ready to make up an excuse as I usually do. Not that I'm invited on a regular basis. But telling them my mom would not allow me to go would only make everything worse. "Ave, I have a fake consent letter that lets you away for the weekend. It's an educational trip. Just at my house. It'll be fun!"
His words caught me off guard, and for a moment, I was at a loss for words. Kyran was always full of...surprises. He frequently misled everyone with his carefree demeanor but he had a depth of thoughtfulness that never failed to surprise me.
"It's okay," I replied. I tried to keep my tone casual. "Thanks, I guess."
There was a brief pause before Kyran spoke again. "Everly, I know deep inside, you're jumping with the joy of the party but whatever. See you!"
How did I forgive him so quickly?
He hung up this time, and something inside me exploded. I felt a rush of warmth flood through my veins and there was a smile creeping up on my face. I tried resisting but it didn't work. I turned my attention back to my assignment.
How should economies of scale...
Why was he talking to me when his friends were around? He could've just...
Stop.
Production functions are often represented as...
But I'm such a killjoy. Why does he want me at his weekend party?
I'm screwed.
Maybe he was doing this because he pitied me. Otherwise, why would he care so much? What happened in Freshman Year didn't really mean that it needed to drag out till Junior Year. What was it about me that made him want to be nice?
Yeah, he pitied me.
I shook my head, trying to push away the conflicting thoughts that threatened to overwhelm me. It was easier to believe that Kyran's concern stemmed from pity rather than genuine care. After all, why would someone like him need to bother about me? Especially when we figured out that he didn't need a tutor. His grades were perfectly fine.
With a sigh, I forced myself to focus on my assignment, the words on the screen blurring as my mind wandered. But no matter how hard I tried to distract myself, Kyran was still the forefront of my thoughts.
A soft knock on my door interrupted my thoughts and scared the shit out of me. I quickly switched the tabs on my laptop and plastered a neutral expression on my face as Eliza peeked her head into the room.
I should've known it was Eliza and not my mom. My mom never knocked.
"Avery, can I come in?" she asked, her voice tentative as she hovered in the doorway.
I hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to respond. She definitely needed something and from her eyes, I could tell that something was troubling her. Something she didn't want to tell mom because she would probably go off about it.
I nodded, gesturing for her to enter the room. "Sure."
She held her math textbook in her hand and her notebook which was odd. There was usually a phone with her. This must be serious.
"If mom asks, we can say you're helping me with math," she said, sitting on the edge of my bed. I watched in awe as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "I wanted to say something," she murmured.
I blinked. "What?" I asked, my tone cautious as I studied her carefully.
Eliza sighed, her shoulders slumping as she avoided my gaze. "There were some people at my school. They asked me about you."
I felt a knot form in my stomach as Eliza's words finally kicked in. People asking about me? In her school. It wasn't exactly a comforting thought, especially considering the rumors and gossip that were the center of my life right now. They followed me like a shadow everywhere.
"What did they say?" I asked as I braced myself for the worst.
Eliza hesitated for a moment, her brow furrowing. "They were asking about...our family. Stuff about mom and dad. They wanted me to say that you were really mean to me and mom," she replied.
Now, it made slight sense why everyone in school thought I was an asshole. They went and coerced my sister to get information for their gossip-mongering minds.
"Did you tell them that I was a horrible person?" I asked and Eliza was shocked at my question. But she nodded slowly.
"I just told them what mom said but I know it's not true but I felt bad. I've felt bad for a long time."
Eliza sighed, her shoulders slumping as she avoided my gaze. "I hate school. No one in my school likes me. But mom said that it's for the best. Because they won't be able to distract me."
I nodded, understanding the feeling. It was exactly what she said to me and I didn't even tell her most things about my life. Eliza and I were bitter towards each other for as long as I remembered. She didn't want a sister nor did I and I was always jealous that my mom loved her more. Despite the strain and the resentment, I was glad she told me this and maybe...there was change for redemption.
I didn't put my money on it though.
We sat in the silence for a moment until I smiled. "Thanks Eliza," I whispered. "I appreciate you letting me know."
It was almost as if my sister was able to see through my mother's real intentions to keep us guarded and locked forever. Maybe...it was a result of realization that the others around her were able to do everything we weren't. Or maybe this was just her growing up and figuring out that she needed to be independent.
Whatever it was, I was glad she saw it.
We don't always have to be trapped inside and perhaps, we could open up.
We still had a long way to go.
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Averan Shippersss,
Welcome to part 3 where we're back with Avery's life. I know we love Kyran, but time to get back to the angst and life of our main gal. I really loved this chapter for the three different intertwined parts that are happening here. First we see more mom, and then we see that interaction with Kyran and then the conversation with Eliza. I love the relationships that are growing (cough cough)👀
Three more finals to go and I can't wait to not leave my bed for 50 hours. Okay, I won't do that. One more thing I'm excited about? Bridgerton Season 3 tomorrow. *screams I need more Kanthony and Penelope/Colin ahhhhhhh. 💖💖
Share your thoughts people! How are you feeling? What's up? (Don't say sky)
That's all for this fine day and I bid you a goodbye until next week.
Love and kisses,
Audrey 💕😘
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